ThursdayChild Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Hi everyone Can I get your opinions on this also please? I got married a couple years ago. One of my bridesmaids was a good friend of mine. She did attend my wedding shower and offered to throw me a bachelorette. She did also buy the dress I requested and showed up to the rehearsal and wedding and gave me a nice gift. That being said, she would not take time off work for my stag and doe or sell tickets to people she knew and was late for wedding party photos and rehearsal. She also would not get ready with me and have her hair and makeup done with me, saying she wasn't feeling well and wanted to do it herself. After the wedding I admittedly called her names and told her how much she let me down. I did not send her a thank you card and have never apologized because of how much she let me down. I thought we were friendly again after a while and she was over it as I had gotten over it and moved on. Clearly things have not been the same since but I thought she was past it- but recently I think she has changed her mind and has distanced herself entirely even though it's been a relatively long time since my wedding. 2 questions: did I overreact to her actions completely and should I apologize even now? Or just let bygones be and let it go? What do you think honestly?
AnneT1985 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Yes- you overreacted. I understand some people have a "dream wedding" in mind and want things to go absolutely perfectly...but life happens. She was there for you in the end when it mattered most. I would certainly apologize even now--even 10 years later...because I personally wouldn't want to sit with that. Maybe your friend tried to "get over it" but after a couple years decided to move on and chose not to. My 2 cents:)
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 thanks for your reply and opinion
Copelandsanity Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Yes, you overreacted. Even if my best man showed up to my wedding late, forgot the ring, and gave a horrible reception speech, I'd still be best friends with him. As an aside, I had to look up "stag and doe" because I had no idea what that was. I thought it was a typo lol. Man, getting married seems to never get simpler, just more and more complicated.
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 As an aside, I had to look up "stag and doe" because I had no idea what that was. I thought it was a typo lol. Man, getting married seems to never get simpler, just more and more complicated. Some people have them in my neck of the states. Helps offset the cost of the wedding.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 It can be disappointing when your friends aren't excited about your big day as you are. However, all she was required to do was show up on the day of the wedding. She did that & more. Frankly, I'm not sure what you wanted her to sell tickets to, but IMHO anything that has an element of fundraising is grossly tacky when connected to a wedding. Had somebody asked me to do that as a BM, I would not & that friendship would be over before the ink on the marriage license was dry. 1
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 Frankly, I'm not sure what you wanted her to sell tickets to, but IMHO anything that has an element of fundraising is grossly tacky when connected to a wedding. Had somebody asked me to do that as a BM, I would not & that friendship would be over before the ink on the marriage license was dry. I guess you could consider it a fundraiser party where lots of people are invited. Tickets are sold to it and where I'm from some people do these for weddings. Not everyone has them but I did and the bridal party is supposed to help with it.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 I guess you could consider it a fundraiser party where lots of people are invited. Tickets are sold to it and where I'm from some people do these for weddings. Not everyone has them but I did and the bridal party is supposed to help with it. Leaving aside the fundraising aspects -- the BP is only required to show up on the day of. Everything else they do for you is a gift. There are no obligations. You shouldn't have called her names but that is water under the bridge now. If you genuinely want to repair your friendship I'd invite her over for dinner or out to lunch or do something else you used to do for fun. If you apologized I wouldn't rehash old wounds but I would make an effort to rebuild the friendship.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Hi everyone Can I get your opinions on this also please? I got married a couple years ago. One of my bridesmaids was a good friend of mine. She did attend my wedding shower and offered to throw me a bachelorette. She did also buy the dress I requested and showed up to the rehearsal and wedding and gave me a nice gift. That being said, she would not take time off work for my stag and doe or sell tickets to people she knew and was late for wedding party photos and rehearsal. She also would not get ready with me and have her hair and makeup done with me, saying she wasn't feeling well and wanted to do it herself. After the wedding I admittedly called her names and told her how much she let me down. I did not send her a thank you card and have never apologized because of how much she let me down. I thought we were friendly again after a while and she was over it as I had gotten over it and moved on. Clearly things have not been the same since but I thought she was past it- but recently I think she has changed her mind and has distanced herself entirely even though it's been a relatively long time since my wedding. 2 questions: did I overreact to her actions completely and should I apologize even now? Or just let bygones be and let it go? What do you think honestly? You have to remember, people have their own lives, own problems. She did enough for you and your expectation level was really high. To be upset and pissed at her (her explanation too, she wasn't feeling well, IS valid and not a brush off!), call her names is immature and you didn't handle it well. How exactly did she let you down? Other than (again) your expectation level being really high. That was intentional and cruel not to send her a thank you note. It was to punish her and I'm sure she felt hurt by it. Unfortunately your treatment of her has made her decide she doesn't want to be close with you anymore. You can apologize all you want but until you see how your part created this mess, your apology won't mean much to her.
Author ThursdayChild Posted March 10, 2014 Author Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) I have tried to do some nice things for her since and she was receptive to that which is why I guess I felt she was over it. But no I've never apologized. I'm wondering if that's why she is distancing herself after all this time. I guess I felt let down by her in a number of ways and felt that she should have apologized to me honestly. Edited March 10, 2014 by ThursdayChild
Copelandsanity Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Some people have them in my neck of the states. Helps offset the cost of the wedding. Interesting. I would think that the wedding gifts help offset the cost. I broke even after accounting for cash gifts and returning material gifts. Then sold some of the unused items over the years on eBay.
Shepp Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Yes, you overreacted. Even if my best man showed up to my wedding late, forgot the ring, and gave a horrible reception speech, I'd still be best friends with him. THIS! Friendship runs deeper!! 1
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I have tried to do some nice things for her since and she was receptive to that which is why I guess I felt she was over it. But no I've never apologized. I'm wondering if that's why she is distancing herself after all this time. I guess I felt let down by her in a number of ways and felt that she should have apologized to me honestly. She was a brides maid, not maid of honour! Well, since you haven't apologized to her and she's distanced herself from you, I would take that as she doesn't want to be close friends anymore. This also sounds like a pride/ego thing. You feel she owes you an apology and you feel she needs to say it to you, not the other way around. The thing is, if she was someone you truly cared about and loved, you wouldn't let pride and ego get in the way, you'd see this also from all sides, not just your own and you'd try to fix this and sort it out.
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