Something more? Or just a fling to fill time?

[roksi001]

Ok. So I've kind of been seeing this guy. We initially met on Tinder; and while he seemed keen off the bat asking me out to coffee etc..it slowed because he was 'busy' with work. A few weeks later we were back in touch via text and arranged to meet. We've since caught up 4 times.

 

I feel he's giving mixed signals or is a little guarded and distant at times, but really engaged at others. Any advice would help me immensely! I think I'm smitten on him so I guess I'd like to know if I should continue to invest or not...and if so, how can I get him to be more comfortable with being more 'relationship' like.

 

Here are my questions. I've included a long (sorry, but detail is better than no detail) descriptor of our encounters to help you develop perspective.

 

My questions are:

 

I find this whole interaction very confusing. Firstly

 

- Does it sound like he's into me and treading carefully? Or is he just buying time...? Should I wait to see what happens? Or let it go?

 

- Is it too soon for him to be emotionally ready for someone else? His past relationship lasted 7 years...and while they've been apart nearly 9 months now, I don't want to develop deeper feelings for him if I am just a rebound.

 

- He initiates texts after we've met...but during the week I have to prompt him. I know he's busy with work, but a text is 30 seconds. Is he just shy and worried I've forgotten him during the week and waits for me to see if I'm keen? After all, after we've met is easier because he's still confident and on a high from our last meet.

 

- Should I be worried we mainly hang out at his for now? That there are not 'datey' things?

 

- I always end up at his, and I am worried I'm just a fling but then he surprises me with his open and honest conversation about himself. You don't talk about those things with someone you're not interested in.

 

- If this develops, how long is it realistic for me to wait to be invited to hang out with his mates? He introduced me to his friends on that one occasion, but has never asked me to join him on an out-of-home activity with him or his friends.

 

Date 1: Coffee. Saturday.

He's handsome in a nerdy gawky way. He seemed quite relax and could chat, however his eye contact seems nervous. He also made a point to say he had a lot planned that weekend and apologised if he seems a little 'out of it', because he had had a big week at work, he was slightly hung over and had a busy afternoon. I chatted politely but he seemed distant and wasn't present. So I kind of wrote him off in my mind. He paid and when we stepped out of the cafe I politely suggested he need not walk me to my car. He insisted and it was just a quick peck on the cheek. I honestly didn't think I'd hear from him. But the next day (Sunday) I received a text saying "Great to catch up! How was your hens night?" After I responded he asked what my week was like and suggested meeting up "potentially'' Saturday.

 

Date 2: Friday, Club/His place

It rolled round to Thursday and I hadn't heard from him so I dropped him a quick text to confirm Saturday; he told me about his week- presentations for the CEO etc etc and confirmed Saturday. Friday rolls on and I confirm a time for Saturday; to which he gave one but then asked what I was doing that night? If I was about the city (I live in the suburbs, but work in the city and sometimes go for after-work drinks with colleagues) maybe we should catch up. I made a joke about the invite being his way of getting more girls to entertain his night out- but disclosed he was out for a 30'th birthday party for a girl so there'd be plenty there. Ultimately we met up later that night. He introduced me to his friends, I introduced him to mine. At first I thought there was a bit of chemistry between him and my friend- but my friend said he kept on asking questions about how she and I knew each other. Whether I believe her or not, I don't know. Ultimately he and I got to dancing, and we ended up hooking up and ducked back to his place. The night DID NOT end in sex as I thought it would, but rather just making out and cuddling. I stayed the night at his, he held me as we slept and he didn't rush me off in the morning. But note: no breakfast date or anything.

 

This is Saturday morning now, the day we had originally planned to hang out. I thought since we hooked up on Friday instead, I wasn't going to suggest meeting up again so soon like some clingy psycho. He then sends me a text a few hours later saying he forgot to check if I was still keen to catch up for drinks...but added that he was shattered. I took the shattered bit of the text and responded by recalling the fun we had the night before but that maybe the only way to un-shatter him to replicate the fun was to intoxicate him. He agreed, but then said he wasn't sure if i was suggesting to come around or not. I said, if he was tired perhaps it was best to skip it. So he agreed to skip it...I said I was heading to a street party a few blocks down to which he wished me good night and said "You're incredible! Enjoy - take care. Night :)"

 

Date 3: Saturday, Bar near His place - then his place.

He shot me a text half way through the week and we agreed to meet Friday night. I had drinks after work again so we met up at a bar near his for an encore...and retreated back to his a little tipsy. This time we had sex and slept together; much like on date 2. He held me after sex, and we went several times. I offered to go home and he told me to stay. So I did, and the morning again wasn't a rush. I left after midday. He shot me a text the following day about his weekend, asked me about mine and asked if I was keen to catch up again.

 

Date 4: Saturday, His place.

Half way through the week I shot him a text asking him what his weekend plans were and said I am hoping my weekend would be half as fun as last. He picked up on my flirt and said he wasn't up to much and he'd be up for mischief. Out text exchange was frank and flirty...but he struggled a little on the flirty side. He apologised and said he wasn't any good at responding cheekily. I said he was doing just fine. We made plans for Saturday but to meet at his house. By now I'm worried that we're always just meeting at his. He hasn't asked me out to dinner or anything like that.

 

Saturday morning he shoots me a text to say he's looking forward to the night. Asked what time I'd like to come by. I had dinner plans so I said after 9. A few hours later he writes back and says he has a cold sore coming up and thought he'd put it out there and see if i still wanted to go ahead. I saw this as really confusing. I asked if he was bailing? He said, no but understood if I wanted to. I said hanging out was fine and he should stop stressing about what I think. I called him a player, to which he seemed to be quite offended. He was emphatic that he wasn't and was a little wounded I saw him that way.

 

At his we had several cocktails, played scrabble, watched a video of his trip to Croatia for a friend's wedding. He talked about personal things. Like his ex and what his last relationship was like. She was very 180deg...and he said he found me refreshing because I'm very open and black and white in my responses. He said he thought i was conservative when we met for coffee. I asked why he asked me out again, to which he said he liked that i was confident and intelligent. He finds that a turn on. He also kept teasing me about my height (he's 6'3 and I'm 5'1). He teased the smallness of my feet...and when i needed his help to get down wineglasses off the shelf he also teased me slightly, but then held me as I mixed the cocktails.

 

He spent the rest of the night telling me about the pressure he puts on himself at work, how HR at work has even told him to stop working so hard, the pressures he put on himself in high-school. He told me things he said no one else knows- not even his parents. He said he liked that.

 

 

He noted it was horrible that he couldn't kiss me and wanted to several times through out the night. We ended up cuddling, and fooling around... and chatted and cuddled more through out the night in his bed. He said he's like to do this again when he can kiss me. I was thinking that it would be nice, but I didn't take it too seriously. I reciprocated his Croatia video with showing him photos of an overseas trip I took recently. He noted my friends were hot. Mind you, he has never once said I looked beautiful or was hot. He's just called me cute and intelligent and doesn't believe there's nothing I wouldn't be good at. That doesn't really strike me with confidence that he wouldn't pass me up for someone 'hotter'.

 

He seemed deep in thought though as the night went on. So I suggested sleep and he pulled me close and I ended staying the night at his. The next day I got up sensing he was a little restless as he went out to check the mail and call his friend to follow up the day's plans. I took the opportunity to get ready to leave but he came back to the room and held his arms out to me and we cuddled for a while longer. He expressed he had a great time but that he was really frustrated we couldn't kiss. I said it was okay, and I had a good time. He said I could shower at his, but I declined - said I was off for a swim - and left.

[Gaeta]

Ok. So I've kind of been seeing this guy. We initially met on Tinder; .

Isn't this an app for hook ups?

 

I find this whole interaction very confusing.

Nothing is confusing when looked by an outsider. It's confusing to you because you are trying to read some meaning in situations that have no meanings.

 

- Does it sound like he's into me and treading carefully? Or is he just buying time...? Should I wait to see what happens? Or let it go?

If you are looking for a relationship Let it go, he is into getting in your pants once in a while when it's convenient to him and where it's convenient to him. Nothing more.

 

- Is it too soon for him to be emotionally ready for someone else? His past relationship lasted 7 years...and while they've been apart nearly 9 months now, I don't want to develop deeper feelings for him if I am just a rebound.

You are way ahead of yourself. This man is not even into getting to know you and you are wondering about if you're just a rebound? Nah, men treat their rebound to restaurants, they're lovey dovey with them, they're infatuated and then suddenly it stops. You're just a girl he met on Kinder and he hooks up with.

 

- He initiates texts after we've met...but during the week I have to prompt him. I know he's busy with work, but a text is 30 seconds. Is he just shy and worried I've forgotten him during the week and waits for me to see if I'm keen? After all, after we've met is easier because he's still confident and on a high from our last meet.

I have never so many excuses why a man doesn't text. Nah, he's just not into you, and you don't use up much of space in his mind. If he were really into you he'd make sure you don't forget about him.

 

- Should I be worried we mainly hang out at his for now? That there are not 'datey' things?

 

- I always end up at his, and I am worried I'm just a fling but then he surprises me with his open and honest conversation about himself. You don't talk about those things with someone you're not interested in.

Yes you should worry. You're a free escort on call. He confines in you? Meh, so what? Men confine in their hairdresser, dentist, and yes even in their escorts. So now you're a free escort AND a free shrink.

 

 

- If this develops, how long is it realistic for me to wait to be invited to hang out with his mates? He introduced me to his friends on that one occasion, but has never asked me to join him on an out-of-home activity with him or his friends.

...and he will never. Please take off your pink sunglasses.

[Chocolat]

After I responded he asked what my week was like and suggested meeting up "potentially'' Saturday.

 

Ultimately we met up later that night. <snip> Ultimately he and I got to dancing, and we ended up hooking up and ducked back to his place.

 

I took the shattered bit of the text and responded by recalling the fun we had the night before but that maybe the only way to un-shatter him to replicate the fun was to intoxicate him.

 

I had drinks after work again so we met up at a bar near his for an encore...and retreated back to his a little tipsy. This time we had sex and slept together; much like on date 2.

 

Half way through the week I shot him a text asking him what his weekend plans were and said I am hoping my weekend would be half as fun as last.

 

I had dinner plans so I said after 9.

 

You've been offering yourself up as a booty call throughout your interaction with this guy (initial meet excepted). If you want him (or some future guy) to date you, then wait to be asked out on a date. When you present yourself as someone who wants to "meet up" after she's had an evening out drinking with her friends, you are not likely to attract guys who want to date.

[d0nnivain]

You are making it easy on him. He hasn't put in much effort so far.

 

It's up to you. You can continue on this path. It will be hard to get him to put more effort in at this point but you can try.

[ExpatInItaly]

From what you've described, it sounds lukewarm at best. I wouldn't contact him again, let him come to you. If and when he does, suggest a meet-up somewhere other than this place and gauge his reaction. At the moment, it sounds more like a hook-up situation to me to be honest.