confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Basically I got with my girlfriend in November, everything was great and when we met she has a 2 year old who never really sees the father, or so she said. ANyway he wasnt around much at christmas, think he saw the child twice all christmas and wasnt interested, the girlfriend since has told me they split up in november 2012 but i cant help think its more recent as they have pictures together on facebook at parks etc in july. Anyway all i ever heard from the girlfirend was 'i hate him (the ex)' 'hes an idiot for what hes done to us' 'hate how he never wants to see his son i hate him' bla bla bla and 'i want you to take him on and be his dad' anyway for the past 3 months ive got really close to the child and close to the mum, we both say were in love with each other, anyway lately the farther has been coming round once a week for 2 hours which is fine by me and they all sit in together, but i noticed he text her a msg the other day and it had 3 kisses on the end so like an idiot i couldnt help but check the messages (i no it was a dumb move to make). Some of the messages made me feel sick to my stomach, saying things like 'it was so nice to talk to you last night, nice to have someone to talk to x' <--- that was from my gf to the ex. then she also put out the blue to him 'thought id repay the favour and make you smile today as my friend says our son is looking more and more like you everyday x' he replies 'that did make me smile, youve repaid the favour xx' and then we argued one night when he was coming and we was meant to be going out and she cancelled our date to sit in with the ex, then said her battery was dead on her phone so couldnt talk. anyway when i checked the times she had actually text him twice before texting me, i kind of accept it was probably because she was angry at me but hate how she turned to the ex to talk. it was just small texts like 'i think youre really good with our son now x' but still makes me uneasy. all these types of things are making me so uneasy. I asked her about them and she obviously went mad that id read them and said if id asked her she would of showed me anyway as had nothing to hide and says shes only close with him now for the kids sake she doesnt feel anything for him anymore. i want to believe her, am i just being a jelous idiot or is there more to this? she swears she loves me but i cant help but feel random texts starting with 'i want to make you smile' i asked her why on earth if all you want is too be civil would you want him to smile? thats surely not for the kids sake but to make him smile im confused.
Joaquin Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Run like hell out of this situation man. This girl is clearly not available for what you want. 1
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Don't get it though, she is all over me normally and talks about wanting kids with me and a future, says im her soul mate and things where never like this with her ex. Everything she says is nice to me but whenever she mentiones his name i hate it, we can be having a meal and ill say something and out the blue she'll go 'oh (the ex) said this the other day' im thinking argh i dont care. Then i ask about her busienss she wants to start and she'll go 'me and (ex) was talking about this he said.....' i cant help but keep thinking please stop metnioning him, i get you talk and get you meet but id prefer to not know
Joaquin Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 She has not really moved on from her ex, the father of her child, and you are being sucked into their drama. If you stay then I would guess that the way you are feeling now is just the beginning. It is gonna get worse as you double up on your emotional investment each time some drama comes up with the ex. That she is lovey dovey with you means nothing if she is sneaking around with her ex. She is playing you and going to the ex to seek his attention under the BS of....we have a child. Get out man!
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 My goodness, where to start. You are just a pawn. The things she says to you don't matter, look at her actions. You've been dating for a very short time and look at all the drama. When a woman is in love she doesn't go around putting smiles on other men's face. Get out now. There is nothing for you in this, give her all her freedom to text kisses to her ex. 1
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 i sort of knew this already but really hard to accept
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Just based on the title - I'm going to say what I always say in cases like this one. If you do not want to deal with an ex, do not get into a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 If you do not want to deal with an ex, do not get into a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship. This is not about dealing with exs, a lot of exs with children know how to handle contacts with their exs with respect for their current spouse-gf. What she does with her ex is unacceptable behavior, period, whether he's an ex or not an ex.
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 She did say that she would stop talking to him if it made me happier but dont know how to respond to that as dont feel i should get in the way. Kind of hard because she mentiones him all the time i really dont think she is fully over him and never will be when hes coming round.
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 This is not about dealing with exs, a lot of exs with children know how to handle contacts with their exs with respect for their current spouse-gf. What she does with her ex is unacceptable behavior, period, whether he's an ex or not an ex. I didn't read to be honest. THis is my automatic reply when I see see something along the line of 'boohoo…ex…children…' Whether or not the ex's behaviour is acceptable or not, understand that when you are getting involved with someone who has kids from a previous union, chances are high the ex WILL be part of the story and chances are the partner will be more tolerant of the ex's behaviour just to make things go smoothly with the kid (s)
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Confused: It's not that they are contacting each other that is the problem but the kind of contact they have. They should exchange about diaper money and daycare schedule, NOT sending kisses and hugs and confining in each other. See the difference? You can go ahead with this relationship and ask her to stop that type of communication with him but it's just a matter of time before it hits you in the back of the head again. I don't know how old she is but this woman is immature. She's been dating you for a couple of months and says she loves you and wants you to be her child's daddy......That is SO trash and immature! 1
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Confused: It's not that they are contacting each other that is the problem but the kind of contact they have. They should exchange about diaper money and daycare schedule, NOT sending kisses and hugs and confining in each other. See the difference? You can go ahead with this relationship and ask her to stop that type of communication with him but it's just a matter of time before it hits you in the back of the head again. I don't know how old she is but this woman is immature. She's been dating you for a couple of months and says she loves you and wants you to be her child's daddy......That is SO trash and immature! Not necessarily. Some couples break up and maintain more than civil relationships - even friendships. I was very close with my ex until he got a new girlfriend that flipped a gasket every time my name was even mentioned. Would we still be friends had she not be around? definitely. Would we have gotten back together or slept together? n to the o. Just because two people were in a relationship doesn't mean they can't be close friends and give 'hugs and kisses' and be close. FYI, my ex's new girl is the one that went and cheated with her ex. In psychology it's called projection.
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 i'm 30 shes 26. he did treat her so badly and i cannot believe with how he treat her she can actually feel the need to text him saying nice things.
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Not necessarily. Some couples break up and maintain more than civil relationships - even friendships. I was very close with my ex until he got a new girlfriend that flipped a gasket every time my name was even mentioned. Would we still be friends had she not be around? definitely. Would we have gotten back together or slept together? n to the o. Just because two people were in a relationship doesn't mean they can't be close friends and give 'hugs and kisses' and be close. FYI, my ex's new girl is the one that went and cheated with her ex. In psychology it's called projection. But would you of sent them types of messages?
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 But would you of sent them types of messages? Well, we don't have a kid together. We were friends and we were close. That man had seen the best and the worst from me so I felt I could tell him anything. Once we went shopping for furniture for me and at some point he stopped and laughed and said 'hey! remind you of anything?' We were going through the exact same stores we did a few years before when we moved in together. He didn't mean anything by it. It was just funny. That being said, he cut me off every time he went back to his girlfriend and I wouldn't have explicit conversations with him when I was seeing someone. One thing you have to keep in mind is that these two have a history and they have a little bundle of joy to remind them of this history. I wouldn't be surprised if what you are reading is more them trying to remain 'nice' to each other for the sake of the kid. Stop assuming they will get back together. If she wanted to be with him, she would be. But at this point, they have to be in contact. The worst thing you can do is start assuming what is behind those messages. If it worries you that much, have ONE conversation with her. A NON accusatory conversation. Let her know you are worried because he was absent for so long and now is back. Then, leave it. The more you obsess over this, the more it will have a bad effect on your relationship.
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Well, we don't have a kid together. We were friends and we were close. That man had seen the best and the worst from me so I felt I could tell him anything. Once we went shopping for furniture for me and at some point he stopped and laughed and said 'hey! remind you of anything?' We were going through the exact same stores we did a few years before when we moved in together. He didn't mean anything by it. It was just funny. That being said, he cut me off every time he went back to his girlfriend and I wouldn't have explicit conversations with him when I was seeing someone. One thing you have to keep in mind is that these two have a history and they have a little bundle of joy to remind them of this history. I wouldn't be surprised if what you are reading is more them trying to remain 'nice' to each other for the sake of the kid. Stop assuming they will get back together. If she wanted to be with him, she would be. But at this point, they have to be in contact. The worst thing you can do is start assuming what is behind those messages. If it worries you that much, have ONE conversation with her. A NON accusatory conversation. Let her know you are worried because he was absent for so long and now is back. Then, leave it. The more you obsess over this, the more it will have a bad effect on your relationship. Thank you that sounds like good advice, i did speak to a friend about all this who also has a kid and a new gf and he says, they talk but not as close as these are. Its so hard but i keep telling myself to back off and just let her do whatever because in the long run she'll respect me more for it and if anything was to happen im sure she'd tell me plus if they really wanted to get back together theres nothing i could do about it.
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Thank you that sounds like good advice, i did speak to a friend about all this who also has a kid and a new gf and he says, they talk but not as close as these are. Its so hard but i keep telling myself to back off and just let her do whatever because in the long run she'll respect me more for it and if anything was to happen im sure she'd tell me plus if they really wanted to get back together theres nothing i could do about it. Not everyone is able to remain close with former partners. Not a lot of people actually. By all means, have a conversation with her about it. But if she calmly says that nothing is going on and they're just friends and it's mostly for the kid - leave it at that. Nothing is worse for a kid than two parents hating on each other and maybe they understand that. Unless of course you want to push her away…then by all means keep torturing yourself like you already are until she gets sick of it.
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Not everyone is able to remain close with former partners. Not a lot of people actually. By all means, have a conversation with her about it. But if she calmly says that nothing is going on and they're just friends and it's mostly for the kid - leave it at that. Nothing is worse for a kid than two parents hating on each other and maybe they understand that. Unless of course you want to push her away…then by all means keep torturing yourself like you already are until she gets sick of it. I am completley torn, 50% of me remembers things where shes said 'i no you dont like it but trust me in a year youll be in the same place i am where you can just be friends with him because he means nothing and if it wasnt for the kid i wouldnt talk to him' then the other 50% remembers the nice texts, that are almost flirtatious. and the times shes gone mad about him calling him every name under the sun to me, its all so confusing and emotionally draining, plus this girl is so stubborn and never apologises which makes is worse because if i bring anything up she goes silent for days.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 its all so confusing and emotionally draining, plus this girl is so stubborn and never apologises which makes is worse because if i bring anything up she goes silent for days. Well isn't she an example of maturity.
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I am completley torn, 50% of me remembers things where shes said 'i no you dont like it but trust me in a year youll be in the same place i am where you can just be friends with him because he means nothing and if it wasnt for the kid i wouldnt talk to him' then the other 50% remembers the nice texts, that are almost flirtatious. and the times shes gone mad about him calling him every name under the sun to me, its all so confusing and emotionally draining, plus this girl is so stubborn and never apologises which makes is worse because if i bring anything up she goes silent for days. I understand but unless you have any reason to believe she is lying about the bolded part, like she has acted flirty with other men before, I think you should leave it at that. But if there is more to the story (as you mention in your second paragraph) it's a different story… Maybe you are not telling us everything?
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Well isn't she an example of maturity. It depends. My ex kept worrying I would cheat on him. At first I would try and reassure him but at some point, I just got fed up. I was about to go out for my birthday and when he said «I will sleep on the couch so you can have the room with the guy you bring back» (we were living together) I said 'ok cool' and went out with friends. I just didn't want to spend another evening sitting in the living room with him - especially on my birthday. There are always two sides to a story and constantly having to reassure you SO is really annoying after a while. I'm not pretending to know OP's SO here, but I'm just playing devil's advocate.
Author confused83 Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 I understand but unless you have any reason to believe she is lying about the bolded part, like she has acted flirty with other men before, I think you should leave it at that. But if there is more to the story (as you mention in your second paragraph) it's a different story… Maybe you are not telling us everything? Well things havent been good for about 2 weeks and in that time she has ended up sitting in with him rather than going out with me, she did say its because she wanted to see how id react to them being together but isnt that a test? and i dont like that in a relationship
GoreSP Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Well things havent been good for about 2 weeks and in that time she has ended up sitting in with him rather than going out with me, she did say its because she wanted to see how id react to them being together but isnt that a test? and i dont like that in a relationship Yeah ok this is stupid of her. Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a little chat… It's not OK for her to use her ex to get a reaction out of you.
bubbaganoosh Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 First of all. He the kids Dad. That means that he's always going to be in the picture. Get used to that. Second. She isn't over the relationship with him and until she is, your either going to put up with it or move on. Right now it sounds like she wants someone to pick up the slack and if your not comfortable with that, then move on. It's one thing to maintain a peaceful relationship with the father but if you feel that there is something more, then there isn't much you can do about it. Either stay or move on. You gut feeling is for the most part right. 1
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Mature people don't give the silent treatment to their gf-bf and don't test their jealousy. And all this drama after 2-3 months dating.
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