pointfive Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 So I've been trying online dating and met with two guys so far. Guy A The first guy was great at first. We got along really well, great sense of humour, he was very attentive, etc. About 1.5 weeks in, he wanted to sleep with me but I told him I didn't want to that night, and two days later he sends me a text saying he was hit with an emergency at work and would be busy for the next while. I told him we could slow it down so he's not overwhelmed, and he said we can see how it goes in the next two weeks. During that time I saw him once. He said he was dead tired, but we seemed to have good conversation and laughed a lot. I texted him again the next week to see when he was free, and he kept saying he'd let me know but never gave a date. I told him if he didn't want to see me anymore, he could just say so. He said it wasn't a good idea. I then asked if he was really busy with work or he just didn't want to start something with me. He told me it was the latter and that he didn't see things going anywhere because I didn't want to sleep with him. I told him it wasn't that I didn't want to, I just didn't want to that night. After that I get no response, so I just cut contact with him completely. Guy B I met the second guy around the same time as the first and went on one date with him. We would text every day for about a week. However I saw Guy A so frequently that I just told Guy B I wanted to start seeing someone else. Seeing that things ended with Guy A, I went back on the dating site. About a month after we meet, I see Guy B pop up again on my visitor's list and we begin talking again. I summarized what happened with Guy A, and Guy B basically told me he's going through a phrase where he's unsure if he's ready for a legitimate relationship or not and says it has nothing to do with anyone. I'm not sure if this is a red flag or not. I'd rather not waste time or get my hopes up for anything. It just got me thinking because he's constantly asking for pictures of me (selfies), or complimenting my appearance, and it makes me think he's just after sex. However the first date was fun, and he did take a picture of me... but after telling him what happened with Guy A, I'm unsure. I guess I just want to know what you all think! I'm fairly new to dating and relationships as well so I'm probably taking it slower than most people haha.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 You're not taking it too slow. Both guys are jerks. Cut ties and move on. Any man who tells you he's no longer interested because you didn't have sex with him after a week and half is not worth your time or emotional investment. Any man that tells you that PERIOD is not worth your time. And then you knocked down your self worth by telling him that you "wanted to have sex with him, just not right then". Was this a weak attempt to keep him interested? If he would've responded with, "Oh, okay then, let's meet up this weekend," would you have agreed?? The second guy seems equally shady. First, NEVER discuss with the 2nd guy what happened with the first guy that you shot him down for. It's none of his business. You just knocked yourself down a peg. You rejected him for this other guy, the other guy rejects you based on sex, and now you're going back to the rejected one and giving him details?? He may have been interested in you at one point, but now he would only be willing to entertain you for sex. As a successful veteran of online dating, I can tell you that the first thing you need is a firm set of standards for yourself and a backbone. What you are seeking, what you want, and what you WON'T accept. Don't ignore red flags, don't discount yourself, and don't try to be what THEY want you to be. NEVER weigh yourself against their expectations. Weigh them against yours. There are a lot of shady men on OLD dating just looking to get laid. Don't make yourself their next conquest. If they aren't looking for the same things you are, then move on. There's plenty more men out there. 3
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I cringed when I read that you told Guy B details about Guy A. Armed with that info, I can understand why B gave you a non-committal answer. You made him feel like your 2nd choice. With OLD making it clear in general that you are dating multiple people is good. Telling anybody details is bad. It's time to move on to Guy C where ever he may be. 4
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Guy B basically told me he's going through a phrase where he's unsure if he's ready for a legitimate relationship or not and says it has nothing to do with anyone. He's a no go. When a man tells you something *listen*. He's just told you he's not serious. because he's constantly asking for pictures of me (selfies), or complimenting my appearance, and it makes me think he's just after sex. Now he's showing you he's not serious. Why women have such a hard time smelling BS when it's right under their nose. 2
BC1980 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 With guy A, you should have cut his off when he said he didn't want anything with you because you wouldn't sleep with him. With guy B, you shouldn't have told him about guy A. You really need better standards if you kept talking to a guy after he was upset you wouldn't sleep with him. Come on. You can do better. He's clearly not interested in an actual relationship. 2
HappyLove Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Guy A isn't busy with work. He's busy with desperate women with low self esteem who give it up after a week or two then wonder where Guy A went. Good for you for not falling in that trap because trust me he would have went POOF anyway. Guy B TOLD YOU he's not looking to commit. Move on. Also how would you like it if someone told you that you are their second choice? Anyone with any self respect wouldn't stick around for anything serious. You are dating, there was no need to drop Guy B for A. You were not exclusive and quickly found out guy A was a waste of time anyways. A lot of deceitful men with OLDing. They will show you loads of attention for two weeks then get you in bed and go POOF. Be careful and not so willing to commit to people giving you shady excuses. Time to move on to guy C... 2
Author pointfive Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 Thanks everyone for the insightful replies. Obviously I have a lot of self-reflecting and thinking to do about what it is I really want from a relationship. Bright side of this situation is that meeting them has helped me figure out what I definitely don't want from a relationship. It probably sounds really naive, but I'm surprised at how deceitful some guys can be. I kept getting messages from guys that obviously only wanted hookups and I'd just ignore them. With Guy A he seemed genuinely interested in me as a person and wasn't pushy about sex until that one night, so I thought he would be fine with waiting. Obviously that wasn't the case haha. Lesson learned though. I also decided to cancel the date with Guy B. I just don't have a good feeling about it and would rather not string it out. 1
BC1980 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Thanks everyone for the insightful replies. Obviously I have a lot of self-reflecting and thinking to do about what it is I really want from a relationship. Bright side of this situation is that meeting them has helped me figure out what I definitely don't want from a relationship. It probably sounds really naive, but I'm surprised at how deceitful some guys can be. I kept getting messages from guys that obviously only wanted hookups and I'd just ignore them. With Guy A he seemed genuinely interested in me as a person and wasn't pushy about sex until that one night, so I thought he would be fine with waiting. Obviously that wasn't the case haha. Lesson learned though. I also decided to cancel the date with Guy B. I just don't have a good feeling about it and would rather not string it out. I'm still surprised at how deceitful people can be. However, it gets easier to weed people out with more experience. 2
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