Break no contact or hold out?

March 8, 2014

I've posted in this forum a couple of times now because I feel like there's no one in my life I can turn to at the moment.

My girlfriend and I recently broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving he state to study at University. She suggested we revert back to being "friends" but since breaking up contact on her part has been minimal.

When we started dating it was natural for her to amalgamate into my friendship group(s). They enjoyed her company and soon she started texting and Snapchatting them (I'm not a jealous person and it's something I didn't have a problem with because I myself have similar contact with some of my friend's partners).

But since breaking up, she's pretty much stopped texting me (Only replying to messages I send her) but has continued to text my friends. It's not that we broke up that frustrates me (I now realise that we wouldn't have worked out long distance) but rather that she suggested we be friends and now she's pretty much cut off contact and continues to text my friends. It makes me feel like I meant nothing to her given how fast she has gotten over me and it seems quite insensitive that she'd cut off contact but continue to text my friends.

We've had two confrontations since the break up. The first time I texted her one evening asking how she was and received no reply. So the next morning I apologised for caring, she said she'd been busy and I replied, "You don't seem too busy to text [My friend]."

The second time I was having a hard time getting over her so I initiated "No contact", unfollowing her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and blocking her on Snapchat as well as removing her number from my phone. She sent me a text asking if I'd deleted Snapchat and I told her what I'd done and why. She said she thought I was okay with being friends and I said I didn't really have a choice (To say no would have been to end it completely). I followed up that it seems like our relationship meant nothing to her.

She hasn't texted me since but the message has been "Seen". I do want to be friends with her but it feels like she's gotten over my much easier than I'm getting over her. This, coupled with her texting my friends which plays with my head and I don't want to think the worst but can't help but be paranoid.

Should I text her? Or simply wait for her to reply?

March 8, 2014

She said "friends"because she was trying to be nice. You're not friends. Stop texting her.

March 8, 2014

My advice - don't text her. I am going through something somewhat similar. I unfriended my ex from Facebook and he seemed more hurt about that than about me breaking up with him. He didn't text me much at all but then one day, because he's ADHD and doesn't think things through sometimes (thought he's very intelligent) said he sends/recieves 4k texts a month. That made me pretty sick considering only a handful of those were to me so there went his "busy" excuses and "I'm a really brief texter, a man of few words". Really? Anyway, I am starting to think that he simply didn't know what to say to me, possibly because either a) my life is really boring compared to his and he didn't want to appear to be showing off and didn't know what to ask me since my answer was generally boring since my life is generally boring, ir b) he was afraid of saying the wrong thing or anything that could be misconstrued and thus topple the persona he had so carefully crafted over the months (he's very insecure but tries so hard not to show this, but I wasn't born yesterday). Or a combo of both.

Yes he has plenty to say to his friends (of both genders) and I can't imagine he preferred communicating with them, but I do know he didn't have to communicate with them about a relationship or anything intimate or complicated. I am starting to think that being his friend is the best position to be in with him. He treats his friends quite well. Can he be my friend post-breakup, I don't know. I do know he'll never make it with another woman if he couldn't make it with me (he repeatedly told me I was the woman of his dreams and his friends were shocked he had lasted so long with a woman since they had never witnessed this in the many, many years they'd known him). People can be SOOO complicated yet appear simple to others. Relationships can send some people into a turmoil no one but them will ever understand. I, too, told my ex it seemed we mattered little to him and that he couldn't possibly have cared about me and done what he did (serially stand me up and break promises) and he also did not reply. It will drive you crazy trying to figure out why and what they are thinking so I suggest you begin NC, stick to it, and stop looking for answers from her, and just start trying to heal. Besides, long distance relationships are so hard, especially when you are young. Give her some time and space and down the road you can approach her in a friendly manner to see how she is doing but don't say you miss her and such. I've been in her shoes and that doesn't help if she isn't feeling it. The best you can hope for is friends but you need to let time pass and approach her in a way she knows that is truly your intent. As far as the relationship goes, you really would do best to let it go. You're young and you will recover so much faster than us older folks.

I still like her though and even though I know we'll never be together again, I feel bad for leaving our last conversation on a bad note. I've been in a bad place since the break up. I shouldn't even just shoot her a message explaining everything I've been feeling, from her under appreciating me to not texting me but texting my friends? Or just leave it and hope it clicks in her head someday what she's done?

March 8, 2014

I still like her though and even though I know we'll never be together again, I feel bad for leaving our last conversation on a bad note. I've been in a bad place since the break up. I shouldn't even just shoot her a message explaining everything I've been feeling, from her under appreciating me to not texting me but texting my friends? Or just leave it and hope it clicks in her head someday what she's done?

You're too emotionally involved to be her friend. You need to let go.

March 9, 2014

I still like her though and even though I know we'll never be together again, I feel bad for leaving our last conversation on a bad note. I've been in a bad place since the break up. I shouldn't even just shoot her a message explaining everything I've been feeling, from her under appreciating me to not texting me but texting my friends? Or just leave it and hope it clicks in her head someday what she's done?

Whats done is done. Let it be and move on.

March 9, 2014

You're too emotionally involved to be her friend. You need to let go.

Alternatively, should I confront my friend about him still texting her? He's one of my oldest friends but I've been really sour towards him recently (Not made easier by the fact he's my housemate and we work together). I don't want to come across as jealous, but it's literally tearing me up inside to see them doing this (I know more likely than not they're just talking but I can't help but be paranoid and think she left me because of him [Not for him though]). He's one of those arrogant types that think that every girl that talks to him wants him. He doesn't have much of a heart so probably wouldn't understand where I'm coming from and would just say I'm just being insecure.

March 9, 2014

Alternatively, should I confront my friend about him still texting her? He's one of my oldest fpossible.t I've been really sour towards him recently (Not made easier by the fact he's my housemate and we work together). I don't want to come across as jealous, but it's literally tearing me up inside to see them doing this (I know more likely than not they're just talking but I can't help but be paranoid and think she left me because of him [Not for him though]). He's one of those arrogant types that think that every girl that talks to him wants him. He doesn't have much of a heart so probably wouldn't understand where I'm coming from and would just say I'm just being insecure.

Again, what's done is done.

You can't tell someone to stop talking to someone. Not your place.Your place is to seperate from the situation as much as possible. Dont talk to her

March 9, 2014

I would stop sending texts if I were you. Are these from your phone? I don't know I think email is the best route if you are trying to deal with lose ends after a break up. Then you can just say what you need to say and not expect an immediate response.

If this is really bothering you, send her an email detailing how you feel. Tell her it's been hard for you that she's emailing your friends, after the two of your broke up. I think I wouldn't hesitate to tell an ex to stop that. If she doesn't get that her behavior is at a minimum, not nice, then she's pretty clueless. Tell her you'd like to remain friends and to enjoy college, or wherever she is off to. Then leave it at that. Make it kind of like a goodbye email. If you have just been sending random, vague texts about your feelings, maybe write this all coherently in an email and then leave it at that. You might not get a response, but in a way you are communicating with her your post-break up boundaries and I really see no big problem with that. As long as you don't mention getting back together, then what does it matter.

I would also not hesitate to tell your roommate the same thing. If he starts dating her, there is no way you are going to want to remain friends with him anyway.

Edited March 9, 2014 by Sandy99

March 9, 2014

The following is from a previous thread of mine titled "Is this just coincidence?"

My ex and I recently broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving the state to study at University. I haven't taken the break up well but she seems relatively fine with it (Which is part of the pain I'm feeling [Did I mean nothing to her?]).

She proposed being "friends". Obviously I said yes because you can't say no in a situation like that (To say no is to end it completely). While we were going out, it was natural for each of us to amalgamate into each other's friendship group(s). My friends really enjoyed her company and soon she started texting them and snapchatting them (Something I didn't have a problem with [i myself interact with some of my friend's partners in the same manner]).

But after breaking up (And remember she suggested going back to being friends) contact on her part has been minimal. I try to text her but she always seems to just shelve me. Now I know this shouldn't worry me but it does, she still texts my friends (Quite extensively too). I think it'd be unfair to ask them to stop but it literally eats me up inside when I see her texting them and not me.

I wouldn't call them fights as such, but we've had a few heated confrontations since breaking up. I eventually initiated "No contact"; unfollowing her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram as well as deleting her number on my phone and blocking her on Snapchat.

Now I haven't spoken to her since doing all this, but today I was feeling a change of heart so I re-followed her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (Obviously some of these actions would have warranted her receiving a notification).

Now my problem: Within the space of 10 minutes of re-following her on Instagram, the friend of mine who I know she's been texting since we separated mentioned me in a comment on Instagram and started following her (I checked my following feed and the timing was impeccable). Now this guy is my housemate and (I'd like to think) one of my closest friends, but I know for a fact he hasn't used Instagram in over 2 years so he would have had to re-download the app (For his new phone too, mind you).

So here are my questions: Is this purely coincidental, or are they talking about me over text? I now recognise we wouldn't have worked out long distance, but since she suggested we should be friends I'd expect somewhat of a continual conversation and not just her shutting me out and talking to my friends.

This is literally playing with my head and I don't want to approach either party in the off chance that I've read this wrong. But I can't help but be paranoid and it's bringing me down. It's interfering with my study and also my ability to sleep.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So today I broke no contact. I sent her somewhat of a goodbye message. Got some things off my chest and mentioned to her how she'd been texting my friends. I told her I can't control who she talks to but that it'd been playing with my head how she'd cut me out of the loop. I told her that I won't talk to her again, but that she should stay in touch and if she initiates conversation I'll always be here.

Now, how should I react if she shares this message with the friend of mine she's been texting? I would consider a message of this kind of caliber pretty personal, so if it does turn out the friend gets wind of it does that mean I've definitely been played and I'm just some kind of joke to them? Should I expect a reply or just take solace in the fact I built up the courage to tell her how I was truly feeling?

Edited March 9, 2014 by Economist70

March 9, 2014

You're stuck in a punishment phase, i.e, you're punishing yourself.

I begged, I cried, I told her personal stuff about how I was feeling and they just don't care.

It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I'm only on day 2 now of NC because I kept on making stupid excuses to make contact. I found out stuff I didn't really need to know and it hurt.

Do yourself a favour, go strict NC, you've got what you feel you need to get off you chest, now it's time to concentrate on your feelings and move on.

March 9, 2014

Alternatively, should I confront my friend about him still texting her? He's one of my oldest friends but I've been really sour towards him recently (Not made easier by the fact he's my housemate and we work together). I don't want to come across as jealous, but it's literally tearing me up inside to see them doing this (I know more likely than not they're just talking but I can't help but be paranoid and think she left me because of him [Not for him though]). He's one of those arrogant types that think that every girl that talks to him wants him. He doesn't have much of a heart so probably wouldn't understand where I'm coming from and would just say I'm just being insecure.

It's none of your business who she talks to. You need to consider making new friends, since you don't think highly of this guy. But if they want to talk, you don't get to tell them off for it.

March 9, 2014

You're still being a doormat. You're not going NC if you say "I'll always be there if you initiate." Why? She dumped you. Stop trying to keep her in your life.

March 9, 2014

Drop it, man.

Not having her in your life is better than being friendzoned.

Also, your friends are wrong by continuing to talk to her. It's in poor form that they ever did it in the first place. Next time, put your foot down and don't allow that to happen.

March 9, 2014

She suggested we revert back to being "friends" but since breaking up contact on her part has been minimal.

We've had two confrontations since the break up. The first time I texted her one evening asking how she was and received no reply. So the next morning I apologised for caring, she said she'd been busy and I replied, "You don't seem too busy to text [My friend]."

You're not being a friend to her. Friends don't bring that sort of drama/neediness/insecurities.

You are trying to be more than friends with her. The more you pull, the more she will push.

March 10, 2014

I've been posting in this forum a lot over the last couple of days because I've been quite lost since breaking up with my girlfriend and this forum has been a huge support!

My girlfriend and I broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving the state to study at University. She proposed being friends, I reluctantly accepted (Not knowing full well then what this term actually implied).

While we were going out, it was natural for her to become friends with mine. She started texting and snapchatting them, something I didn't have a problem with because I make similar contact with some of my friend's partners.

When we broke up, she pretty much stopped texting me but continued to text my friends. This started to really eat me up inside because it was her that said we should be friends and she pretty much just cut me out of her life but continued to text my friends (Some of them quite close but I didn't feel it was my place to tell them to stop).

We've had two "encounters" since the break up. The first time was after I'd sent her a message asking how she was and after not receiving a reply, I apologised for bothering her. When she finally replied, she said she was busy but I knew she'd been texting my friend in this time so I said to her, "You don't seem too busy for [My friend]."

The next time I initiated No contact; unfollowing her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram as well as blocking her on Snapchat and deleting her number from my phone. She then sent me a text asking whether I'd deleted Snapchat and I told her what I'd done because I was having a difficult time getting over her (More to the point, it was hard for me that she was acting so casual post-break up which led me to think I'd meant nothing to her). In this confrontation, I told her it didn't feel like we were friends and she never replied.

A few days passed since that last instance and after some reflecting I decided to undo all the social media no contact (In part because I was embarrassed about how immature it must have looked). I didn't want the last time we talked to be on a bad note so I sent her one last message explaining how I was feeling: I told her about how I felt I'd meant nothing to her and how her texting my friends and not me made me feel. But I also said who she texts in none of my business, how she views what happened between us might be different to how I see it and that I would like to be remain friends but it seemed like she wasn't interested in me in the slightest.

Should I expect a response from that last message? It's pretty personal and I'd imagine it'd warrant at least some recognition. But rather, if she doesn't reply to that message what could that possibly mean for relations between us?

Edited: Should also mention that I have had enormous closure since sending this message, like I finally have gotten everything off my chest and can actually move on. So even if she doesn't reply, will it be all that bad? At least she'll know exactly where I stand.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Economist70

March 10, 2014

If this was closure, then why do you care if she responds? I think you are fooling yourself and you were hoping this message would spark some sort of reaction. They usually don't, which is why you should never write those type of letters. The fact that you started this thread and are hoping to get some sort of insight means you aren't exactly being honest with this "closure" talk.

You need to stop emoting to her, stop looking back, stop wondering, stop trying to read her mind and move forward. Asking the questions you are asking is a first-class ticket to nowhere. Even if you had the answers, what does it matter? Are you going to use the information to try to manipulate her into feeling something for you? What good does that do?

March 10, 2014

Yeah, this is going to go nowhere pretty fast.

You can't message her expecting something from her, you are no longer together, she has no obligation to respond. It is detrimental to your moving on by looking to her for anything.

It is hard when one person has feelings and the other does not, but you are just going to have to accept that. She isn't going to respond, at least not in a way that will make you feel better- you won't get closure because she doesn't understand how you feel.

March 10, 2014

She owes you nothing, move on.

March 10, 2014

I totally get how her correspondence with your friends can bother you, I would be terribly annoyed by that.....however, you need to cut contact with her. Who cares what she thinks if you delete and block her from social media. Who cares what she or anyone else thinks about what you need to do to heal and move on.

Honestly, if your friends were really your friends Id venture to say that theyd minimize their contact with her. I know I would if it were me.

March 10, 2014

It doesn't matter if she responds or not, you are no longer together.

Please stop hoping that you will get back together because that will never happen if you continue to act this way.

By sending that last message you sealed the deal and proven that she was right when she dumped you.

Stop being a doormat and act like a man. Start NC.

March 10, 2014

I do want to move on but I'm scared that if I ever get into a new relationship my ex will come running back and I'd be placed in an impossible situation..

March 10, 2014

Well my friend take it one step at a time, first get a new girl and then see what happens. Chances are your ex won't come back.

March 10, 2014

I do want to move on but I'm scared that if I ever get into a new relationship my ex will come running back and I'd be placed in an impossible situation..

You're still punishing yourself with false hope.

It will take a while to get over this believe me, but you are the only one that can do this.

Have a look back from some of my posts and see the ups and downs I went through whilst all the time the peeps on here are telling me to go NC. You make excuses to yourself as to why you can't and it's bloody hard.

Is it going to take you finding out something you didn't want to know to get over this girl?

March 10, 2014

Dude, here's my impression of you.

You: This is how I feel and this is the last time I'm going to speak with you. Goodbye.

Her: No response.....

You: I REALLY mean it this time. I'm gone! Outta here! I'm a ghost! Later babe! Have a good life!

Her: No response.

You: Okay, seriously?!?! You can text my friends but not me... Well, now I really know how you feel about me and what we had. Makes not contacting you easy as hell!

Her: No response.

You: I mean it! Never again!

Her: No response...

See a pattern here?

March 15, 2014

My girlfriend and I broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving the state to study at University. After the break up, she's consistently maintained no contact with me but I've messaged her a few times either looking for answers or taking out some of my grief out on her. I eventually sent her a "farewell" message of sorts, saying how it feels like I meant nothing to her and that I wouldn't contact her again because she clearly wasn't interested in me.

Now I know I shouldn't have sent that last message, but it did give me a sense of closure (Like I might be able to get over her). But tonight my heartache has returned and all I want to do is message her to ask how she is etc.

There are two difficulties at play for me here. 1) We met at work and whenever I'm there all I can think about is her and the happiness and joy I felt when we met, the friendship we formed and the relationship we shared. All the good things, pretty much.

2) She still contacts my friends. When we started dating, it was natural for her to amalgamate into my friendship group. They really enjoyed her company and she started texting them (Something I didn't have a problem with because I interact with my friend's partners in a similar manner). But since breaking up, when I see her texting them it pains me and eats me up inside.

I've posted in this forum a number of times now (Feel free to read my other posts for an in-depth description of what has transpired from my account [indeed, how she sees it might be different to how I see it]). I also don't want to move on (But know I should) in the off chance she has a change of heart for me one day, it's something I'm afraid of because I know I'd take her back (Irrespective of whether I'm in a new relationship or not ).

Edited March 15, 2014 by Economist70

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