newmoon Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have a close friend (male) for 10 years now. He's married with kids, I am single and date. We have been close friends for 10 years - just friends, nothing else. Anyway, he had a party three weeks ago on a Saturday and I said I would come - I told him maybe 3 or 4 times I would for sure be there. Then I got an invitation to go out of town for a week with a new boyfriend and decided to do that instead. I missed my friend's party and touched base with him when I got back (maybe 8-9 days later). He won't even talk to me now. He says he is very upset that I didn't text him or call him to say I wasn't coming to his party because I had promised to be there. He is not my husband, the party had tons of people, it wasn't like it was dependent upon my showing up, and I am single and can do whatever I want without having to text him my plans. I didn't even remember his party to be honest, I was away having a vacation. It seems rather troubling; this guy has a family, who cares if I show up to an event he has? But given the years of friendship I want to fix this but can't figure out how because he won't even take my calls now.
SJS Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Who cares if he has a family? The point is you made a promise to him and didn't keep it. You couldn't even bother to warn him ahead of time that plans changed. You're showing him that you don't value his friendship, and judging by your flippant response, you're proving that you're the opposite of 'close friends'. You need to do some serious apologizing...and not just to please him, but actually mean it. JMHO. 3
Lernaean_Hydra Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I'm gonna be honest, someone very recently pulled this on me so maybe my feelings are a bit raw but I completely understand where he's coming from. Yeah he's not your husband, but as a friend...as a decent human being, it is your duty in that role to give notice when you can't make an event you've already promised to attend. "I am single and can do whatever I want without having to text him my plans" Being single does not in any way negate your responsibilities as a friend. Being single does not mean "I can mistreat people because I'm not dating them". Most importanly, being single does not mean it is (or should be) acceptable for you to flake on someone. As SJS said, "You're showing him that you don't value his friendship". ...and that's really the bottom line. I've had people absolutely flake on me, sometimes on some very important dates. And while sure, they might not have been the only people there, I was still looking forward to their attendance....which is why I invited them in the first place. Not showing up and not even bothering to call or text is pretty low, and indicative of someone who frankly isn't invested in maintaining the friendship. This is common courtesey we're talking about here. If you couldn't make it into work I'd bet my life you'd drop your boss a line to tell them so...even though you're not dating them. Why? Because you value your relationship with them. 3
CC12 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 He won't even talk to me now. He says he is very upset that I didn't text him or call him to say I wasn't coming to his party because I had promised to be there. He's right to be upset. It has probably worked to your advantage that he hasn't been taking your calls because you don't seem sorry at all, and it would have pissed him off even more if you tried to explain it away like you did here. So please try to rethink your position. You were invited to a close friend's party. You promised you would be there several times. Then you were invited to do something better and you bailed on your close friend and didn't have the courtesy to let him know you weren't coming. Can you imagine how that made him feel? You let your friend down in many ways, and you owe him an apology. If you can't muster an apology or a little humility, then just don't bother calling him anymore. You're better off not being friends since you have such different opinions on what friendship means. 3
TigerLilly78 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Who cares if he has a family? The point is you made a promise to him and didn't keep it. You couldn't even bother to warn him ahead of time that plans changed. You're showing him that you don't value his friendship, and judging by your flippant response, you're proving that you're the opposite of 'close friends'. You need to do some serious apologizing...and not just to please him, but actually mean it. JMHO. This 200% well put...
lollipopspot Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I guess I would email him and say that I didn't realize that it meant that much to him, that I thought it was a more casual invitation, and that I was really sorry and would be a lot more careful with my words next time. I half understand where you're coming from, as I'm guilty of not taking invitations to larger parties very seriously sometimes too. But you did say several times that you would be there, and that he has a family is kind of irrelevant. If you say you're going to do something, you ought to follow through or let the other person know you've changed your plans, as a courtesy.
D-Lish Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) I've been single forever, and I have seen my friends go from needing me around because they've divorced or broken up, or whatever, to them getting involved in a new relationship and getting domestic and indifferent again. It's your time if you meet someone exciting. I wouldn't ditch my friends forever if I met someone special or decided to go on vacation- but I'd certainly look after my needs first as all my friends seem to do when it comes to their relationships and family. I can't tell you how many times I've dropped my life in order to accommodate my friends that have needed me- you get tired of it after a certain point. Your friend had a party he wanted you to attend- of course he's going to be upset you blew him off... However, I wonder when he was making time with his new gf if he gave your friendship a second thought during the blissful moments. I guarantee he didn't. I have a friend that reached out to me after getting divorced recently- he jumped into a new relationship quickly and demoted me to second choice pretty quickly. Sometimes you just have to look after yourself and your own needs and not apologize for it. I'm sure your friend didn't feel the need to apologize for meeting a terrific woman and blowing you off- so why wouldn't he give you the same courtesy. Edited March 8, 2014 by D-Lish
TigerLilly78 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 All she had to do was send one text saying hey im sorry I cant make it somethings come up that's a basic courtesy as a friend. I see your point about needy friends and then they forget you. But I haven't herd anything to indicate that this guy has done anything to the OP like that unless ive missed something here.. 3
Tailor2000 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I think you've been pretty rude. It's not a casual acquaintance. By your own admission, he is a close friend. You've been telling him for four weeks you'd be at his party, your close friends party. Something came up, sure, your world doesn't revolve around him, but you at least do the courtesy of getting in contact to say you can't make it, and you don't wait around 9 days to get in touch. I think you say it plain and clear, don't blame him, don't come up with excuses, or if you do, say it was about a new boyfriend and your head was in the clouds, tell him why you weren't there, why you're a terrible friend for not getting in touch before his party and explaining, and say sorry a million times. Unless you think he may calm down soon? He may be a bit needy, a bit insecure, might expect people to follow up on their arrangements, but as long as you tell people before hand what's going on, then that's fine. When you leave people guessing, that's a big no in my book. 3
Author newmoon Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I guess I would email him and say that I didn't realize that it meant that much to him, that I thought it was a more casual invitation, and that I was really sorry and would be a lot more careful with my words next time. I half understand where you're coming from, as I'm guilty of not taking invitations to larger parties very seriously sometimes too. But you did say several times that you would be there, and that he has a family is kind of irrelevant. If you say you're going to do something, you ought to follow through or let the other person know you've changed your plans, as a courtesy. this sounds like "me" so I will try this. actually, it's the truth; I had no idea this was so important. and I didn't think my presence would be that missed since several other people were there. if it was a one-on-one type of thing for sure I would have cancelled directly or said I wasn't going, but amongst 25+ people I didn't figure I needed to do that. but a majority of the responses seem to indicate I should have. I guess I just figured (because he has a family) that I wouldn't have held him to that same standard (calling or saying he wasn't coming) because his family would always come before me, so why shouldn't my life come before him? that was my thinking and it never even crossed my mind to cancel because it was a larger event as opposed to a smaller one. who knew it was so important. I will try again, it seems everyone thinks I was in the wrong here. Thanks.
CarrieT Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I wouldn't have held him to that same standard (calling or saying he wasn't coming) because his family would always come before me, so why shouldn't my life come before him? Oh please don't say you are going to sell him this!?!? Don't really how petty and self-centered it makes you sound? Just apologize but don't turn it back on yourself like that. Sheesh. 3
Author newmoon Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Oh please don't say you are going to sell him this!?!? Don't really how petty and self-centered it makes you sound? Just apologize but don't turn it back on yourself like that. Sheesh. of course I won't say that part, but I can think it. you don't think someone with kids would put them first? and SAY THAT? so because I don't have a family I can't put my own life first? I can both say that and think that, but I won't say it. and this will be the 2nd apology, I already apologized last week and he wasn't receptive
freestyle Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I have to ask this--- How long does it actually take to send someone a text/leave a voice message? Less than 60 seconds....To show common courtesy.. And let a long-term friend know that his feelings matter.. You can prioritize your own life & needs, and still show common courtesy. 2
maiden of rohan Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 It's not about you not turning up, I don't think, or you putting your own life first. I think it's about the fact that you didn't have the decency to let him know you were not going to make it. If one of my close friends pulled that, I wouldn't be very receptive of their apologies either, at least for a little while. I think it's pretty rude to say you're going to be there for four weeks, then when you get a better offer, to just up and go without even informing him of the change. It tells him you do not care all that much about your friendship with him. I'm sure you wouldn't like it much if he did the same thing to you. Friends should be at least accountable to each other. If you make plans with someone, let them know if you have to cancel for whatever reasons. It's great to put yourself first-but informing someone of your cancellation is hardly stopping you doing that. It might take him a bit of time accepting your apology, and I wouldn't deliver one unless you actually mean it. 3
Tailor2000 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 of course I won't say that part, but I can think it. you don't think someone with kids would put them first? and SAY THAT? so because I don't have a family I can't put my own life first? I can both say that and think that, but I won't say it. and this will be the 2nd apology, I already apologized last week and he wasn't receptive Of course you can put your own life first, but it is common courtesy to explain to someone BEFOREHAND that something else has come up. Why do you think it acceptable to wait 9 days after the event to say anything? I don't know why he can't accept your apology. Maybe you are that close of a friend? 1
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 this sounds like "me" so I will try this. actually, it's the truth; I had no idea this was so important. and I didn't think my presence would be that missed since several other people were there. if it was a one-on-one type of thing for sure I would have cancelled directly or said I wasn't going, but amongst 25+ people I didn't figure I needed to do that. but a majority of the responses seem to indicate I should have. I guess I just figured (because he has a family) that I wouldn't have held him to that same standard (calling or saying he wasn't coming) because his family would always come before me, so why shouldn't my life come before him? that was my thinking and it never even crossed my mind to cancel because it was a larger event as opposed to a smaller one. who knew it was so important. I will try again, it seems everyone thinks I was in the wrong here. Thanks. I don't think you were in the wrong necessarily. You could have texted him you couldn't make it, sure. It doesn't sound like you blew off his party with any malice intended though. I think it warrants an apology since he is obviously upset- but I'd apologize for not letting him know- not for what you decided to do instead. As I said earlier in your thread, My married friends often want me to drop everything when they want me around- but they are often too busy with their families and significant others to do the same for me. That's okay with me, I get that their lifestyles different greatly from mine- but when I get opportunities now to do something gratifying for myself, I don't pass up those opportunities like I used to in order to make them happy. When I went through my divorce, my friends were in the process of getting married or starting their families- and I got some support from them, but not as much as I craved at the time considering the hell I went through. I don't harbour resentment, but I try to look after myself and my needs more than I used to- and make no apologies for doing so. I'm still the girl that would drop what I am doing for a friend in need. I am sure if he had have told you how important it was for you to be there that you would have gone. So for sure, apologize and explain yourself ONCE. No need to accept unnecessary punishment. If he's a true friend, he should understand on some level where you are coming from. Don't beat yourself up.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) I have a close friend (male) for 10 years now. He's married with kids, I am single and date. We have been close friends for 10 years - just friends, nothing else. Anyway, he had a party three weeks ago on a Saturday and I said I would come - I told him maybe 3 or 4 times I would for sure be there. Then I got an invitation to go out of town for a week with a new boyfriend and decided to do that instead. I missed my friend's party and touched base with him when I got back (maybe 8-9 days later). He won't even talk to me now. He says he is very upset that I didn't text him or call him to say I wasn't coming to his party because I had promised to be there. He is not my husband, the party had tons of people, it wasn't like it was dependent upon my showing up, and I am single and can do whatever I want without having to text him my plans. I didn't even remember his party to be honest, I was away having a vacation. It seems rather troubling; this guy has a family, who cares if I show up to an event he has? But given the years of friendship I want to fix this but can't figure out how because he won't even take my calls now. He's over reacting big time. A simple apology from you (though it was rude of you not to tell him your plans to go out of Town, you did have time to let him know that you weren't attending his party just out of respect and common courtesy) and to take him out to lunch or something to make up for it, should be fine but since he is ignoring you, maybe (?) he is using that as an out to end the friendship. Just a thought as to why he is reacting like this. This part confuses me: Then I got an invitation to go out of town for a week with a new boyfriend and decided to do that instead. I didn't even remember his party to be honest, I was away having a vacation. Basically you chose not to go and went on a mini holiday instead last minute. Edited March 9, 2014 by whichwayisup
Tayla Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 An observation, at no point did the OP carry any level of empathy. That should speak for itself. the OP was socially incorrect from a formal stance of properly notifying the host of her recinding the party offer. something so simple yielded the true character of the OP... 3
VeronicaRoss Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Your friend asking you several times if you planning on showing is an underscore on how important your appearance was. It also makes me think it wasn't the first time you didn't show. This might have been a last straw after a long series of no-shows. Only you would know but if true something to acknowledge to them when you apologize.
stillafool Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 OP I don't understand people who get upset the way your friend did. When any of my friends get romantically involved with someone I encourage them to take as much time away from me as possible to cultivate their new relationship. I've never been a possessive friend and can't stand when they try to possess me.
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