bwright42tx Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 OP: If they have been together that long, there may be something worth fighting/staying for. Just because her parents may be racist *holes doesn't mean she is. Maybe the compromise should include him not packing his ****/moving out when her parents visit. However, many of my friends who are cohabitating before marriage, do not tell their traditional parents about it. It isn't about being ashamed of the partner, it's just a generational/belief divide, in that it would probably break the family up if they did. In that case I would be more understanding about her not informing her parents that she is living with him. This reminds me of a joke: Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that Stephanie’s has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom” 2
Quiet Storm Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 His girlfriend needs to grow up and stop being so afraid of her parents. I met my black husband (I'm white) in 1991. When I decided to be in a relationship with him, I knew that I would be judged for it. However, I accepted it and faced that unfortunate consequence (judgement from some family/friends/society). When you are in a relationship like this, you have to develop a thick skin and not let the opinions of others bother you. People say, "No way! Not in this day & age!", but racism is still prevelant. Even in a liberal and diverse state like my Maryland. His GF has managed to avoid facing her parents judgement for many years now. I think it would be different if she was estranged from her parents and never talked to them or visited them. But it sounds like that is not the case. It sounds like she continues to visit her parents and communicate with them. It's concerning that she has kept this significant part of her life from them. She must be able to lie & compartmentalize very well. Your brother needs to consider that this aspect of her personality may not only be related to the circumstances with her parents. Has she lied to and hid things from him, as well? Also, he needs to be careful that she's just keeping these secrets because of fear... and not because of shame. She has nothing to be ashamed of, and her actions should reflect that. 3
Quiet Storm Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 (edited) Disagree... Like said before...No one can like it, but her family absoltely has a right to have their feelings about it...You think its easy to write off your family? Forget it..Before they met they were two faces in a crowd...Your family is there from the very beginning to(hopefully) the very end of your life.. Its a no win situation...Pick him and lose your family...Lose him and have your family...If he was THAT important, my feeling is that she would have taken a stand long ago....But maybe I am reading it wrong.. TFY I doesn't have to be that way. If her parents are good people, people that care about her, people that have been there for the very beginning. . . then they will continue to be there for her. Regardless of the color of her boyfriend. It may take time. There will be lots of tears and anger. They may feel betrayed. But they may learn to tolerate. And eventually accept, even if they don't like it. Probably similar to how some learn to accept a child is gay. Who knows...once they have a little mixed grandbaby to love they might wonder how they ever felt that way. It happens Edited March 11, 2014 by Quiet Storm Did not intend to put that smiley but I can't get rid of it! 2
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I just talked to my brother. They went home this weekend and she was supposed to tell her parents yesterday. She claimed her parents went out of town and she wants to do it face to face, so it didn't happen. Personally, I think this was another stalling technique. I asked my brother if she planned to tell them everything and he said he didn't know. I can see this situation being pushed till the final hour... 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I just talked to my brother. They went home this weekend and she was supposed to tell her parents yesterday. She claimed her parents went out of town and she wants to do it face to face, so it didn't happen. Personally, I think this was another stalling technique. I asked my brother if she planned to tell them everything and he said he didn't know. I can see this situation being pushed till the final hour... Your instincts are correct....Its a stall.. TFY 2
hotpotato Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 To play devil's advocate, I understand why she wouldn't tell them. I date out of my race, and some members of my family hate it. Telling them about the relationship adds another layer of drama. The first boyfriend didn't meet the parents until over a year of dating. For one thing, I dont believe in letting just anybody meet the parents.
Emilia Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I date out of my race, and some members of my family hate it. Telling them about the relationship adds another layer of drama. I'm fortunate that my family aren't like this but if they were, I would consider cutting them loose. You have to be kidding me. I'm white, my Indian ex's parents hated white people because of the whole British empire thing and I've never met them. I'm not sure how much their hatred would have bothered me long term but I would not have kept moving out of my own place to accommodate them.
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 My brother said that she's afraid they will disown her when they find out. For her to think this, they must have expressed some pretty strong feelings about interracial dating. Honestly, I don't think my brother should force her to tell them anymore. I don't think he should push her to make a choice. I think he should simply walk away. What kind of future could they have if her family is so firmly against it? If her family turns on her, she will most likely blame him for forcing her to tell them. Especially since he's allowed it to go on for so long. There would never be a happy wedding and their children would never be welcomed by their maternal grandparents. The ensuing drama would likely lead to the end of their relationship anyways, and there would always be a divide with her family. I've told him my feelings on this, and now he is trying to make a decision for himself... 3
hotpotato Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I'm fortunate that my family aren't like this but if they were, I would consider cutting them loose. You have to be kidding me. I'm white, my Indian ex's parents hated white people because of the whole British empire thing and I've never met them. I'm not sure how much their hatred would have bothered me long term but I would not have kept moving out of my own place to accommodate them. Most people aren't going to cut loose their family... 1
Quiet Storm Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 (edited) I know a lot of interracial couples. Many of the white partners thought they would be disowned. In all of them, the parents eventually came around. It takes time. Sometimes years. But its possible. I don't live in the south, I can't say how deep the racism runs. But I will say that most parents love their kids and want them to be happy. Hot Potato says "most people aren't going to cut loose their family". I agree, but that applies to the parents, too. Parents may threaten "disownment" as a tactic to control the situation. But if she stands strong, if she doesn't waiver, then most parents will eventually accept. It will be hard. It may take years. But more times then not, parents dont permanently disown their kids. They just need time to accept. Edited March 12, 2014 by Quiet Storm
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Talked to my brother today. He is not moving into the new house with her and will begin looking for another place. His lease isn't up till the end of the month so he has a little time. He said they talked about it again last night cause she wasn't taking him seriously about not moving with her. He said she started crying and said he doesn't understand how she feels about losing her parents. How could he not understand when he's been living this charade with her for almost 5 years?? He said he told her she needs to decide whether or not he's worth the risk because he doesn't see a future for them leaving things as is and he wouldn't ever want to bring a child into a family that couldn't accept them. I'm proud of him for standing his ground even though I know he loves her a lot. 4
MrMeh Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 Talked to my brother today. He is not moving into the new house with her and will begin looking for another place. His lease isn't up till the end of the month so he has a little time. He said they talked about it again last night cause she wasn't taking him seriously about not moving with her. He said she started crying and said he doesn't understand how she feels about losing her parents. How could he not understand when he's been living this charade with her for almost 5 years?? He said he told her she needs to decide whether or not he's worth the risk because he doesn't see a future for them leaving things as is and he wouldn't ever want to bring a child into a family that couldn't accept them. I'm proud of him for standing his ground even though I know he loves her a lot. Excellent for your brother for having some pride. You shouldn't have to live in the shadows with the one you love. 1
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 13, 2014 Author Posted March 13, 2014 My brother just texted me again. Sheez...this girl is really trying to skirt the issue here. Since my brother says he is not going to be moving in and out of a house he pays rent for, she is now trying to compromise by saying that she will pay his part of the rent until her parents know they're living together. I told him that the RENT is not the damn issue here! And when would she tell her parents?? Another 5 years?? 3
gaius Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 You and her should just cut out the middle man and start fighting directly.
Almond_Joy Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 My brother just texted me again. Sheez...this girl is really trying to skirt the issue here. Since my brother says he is not going to be moving in and out of a house he pays rent for, she is now trying to compromise by saying that she will pay his part of the rent until her parents know they're living together. I told him that the RENT is not the damn issue here! And when would she tell her parents?? Another 5 years?? This chick makes me sick. If she's not willing to make a decision and stand for it, she's wasting your brother's time and needlessly hurt him by hiding their relationship. Bless your brother for his patience, but I hope he walks. He deserves someone who will defend the love he's offering. Her family doesn't have to like him, but she should make damn sure they respect their relationship. 2
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 ***UPDATE*** So my brother stood his ground and found his own apt. He is scheduled to move in Friday, but has been staying at the new house with his gf until the apt was ready. He wasn't breaking up with her, but decided they should live apart until she was ready to tell her parents. Well, this morning, I woke up to a text from him. They decided to have a get together at the new house last night and when it got late, he told her he was going to bed. He woke up later and found her having sex in the garage with some guy she works with!!!! He said he ran over and punched the guy, and he just ran out of the house. She never said a word and just stood there crying. He went to a hotel last night and is moving into his apt Friday. I just can't even believe she did this to him. I'm just glad he made the right choice to NOT move in with her, and now he REALLY knows she is no longer worth the investment.
TAV Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Jeez! Do you think she did it on purpose to force a breakup or has she cheated on him before? I can't believe he lived with her for years and apparently did not know her at all. The term double life comes to mind. I'm glad the situation is resolved though I'd hoped he would be the one breaking up with her over the racism issue. I hope he comes out of this stronger and that his fate in love is not ruined.
Radu Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 ***UPDATE*** So my brother stood his ground and found his own apt. He is scheduled to move in Friday, but has been staying at the new house with his gf until the apt was ready. He wasn't breaking up with her, but decided they should live apart until she was ready to tell her parents. Well, this morning, I woke up to a text from him. They decided to have a get together at the new house last night and when it got late, he told her he was going to bed. He woke up later and found her having sex in the garage with some guy she works with!!!! He said he ran over and punched the guy, and he just ran out of the house. She never said a word and just stood there crying. He went to a hotel last night and is moving into his apt Friday. I just can't even believe she did this to him. I'm just glad he made the right choice to NOT move in with her, and now he REALLY knows she is no longer worth the investment. She sounds passive-aggressive, and an avoider of conflict. Probably needs to always have options in terms of love life. Either catching her was an accident and she was trying to increase her options, to not be alone, or it was her way of passively ending her relationship to your brother [being a conflict avoider and all that]. Your brother came out ahead on this one, by forcing this showdown in her head, because in the end her love for him, their history together, etc ... was simply not strong enough to defeat her ingrained nature, her selfishness won. Better to find out now. OTOH, your brother was a massive dumbass for punching the guy. He should have called the cops, when he heard the noise. 1
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 She sent him a text this morning apologizing and basically saying that ever since he said he was moving out that her head was all messed up. She said he was right, and that she wasn't ready to risk losing her family for him and that maybe she used this as an opportunity to end the relationship so she wouldn't have to. Ironic part is, she didn't want to tell her parents she was dating my brother because he's half black, butban n educated, hardworking, decent human being, so she instead had sex with another black guy who could be the poster child or definition of "ghetto thug". I saw his fb page and was shocked. And then to do it in the manner that she did while he was there in the house. The whole thing just disgusts me as I thought she was a decent person. Why hurt him like this instead of just ending the relationship?
Radu Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 She sent him a text this morning apologizing and basically saying that ever since he said he was moving out that her head was all messed up. She said he was right, and that she wasn't ready to risk losing her family for him and that maybe she used this as an opportunity to end the relationship so she wouldn't have to. Ironic part is, she didn't want to tell her parents she was dating my brother because he's half black, butban n educated, hardworking, decent human being, so she instead had sex with another black guy who could be the poster child or definition of "ghetto thug". I saw his fb page and was shocked. And then to do it in the manner that she did while he was there in the house. The whole thing just disgusts me as I thought she was a decent person. Why hurt him like this instead of just ending the relationship? Because this way, she is not the one who has to take the bull by the horns and end it. That whole 'conflict avoider' thing ... 1
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 Because this way, she is not the one who has to take the bull by the horns and end it. That whole 'conflict avoider' thing ... Ah, well I'm sure the humiliation and shame of what she did when all of their mutual friends find out (which some already know) is a much better alternative. I hope she catches motor oil infection in her hoo-ha!
Radu Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Ah, well I'm sure the humiliation and shame of what she did when all of their mutual friends find out (which some already know) is a much better alternative. I hope she catches motor oil infection in her hoo-ha! You don't get it. Let me break it down for you. - he dumped me for another girl - he was abusive and i had to end it - so many yrs without a ring, he had commitement issues and it took me a long time to realize this It will never be her fault, someone must always take the blame for whatever happens to her.
tbf Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 guy who could be the poster child or definition of "ghetto thug".Apparently, ghetto attracts ghetto. While your brother might not be thankful now, hopefully his pain will dissipate where he'll realize that she's trash and that it's time he spread his wings to find a better quality girlfriend. The lesson learned is that people who hide their mates are doing it for a reason, which is usually a reason their mates would be appalled to discover and rarely aligns with what they say. Words are way too easy. 4
Babolat Posted April 11, 2014 Posted April 11, 2014 Wow, reading this was like watching a movie and not expecting "that" ending! What a mess. I'm sure your brother is hurting, but at least he got his answer. You sound like an amazing sister, good for you. 1
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