Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My younger brother is 25 and has been dating this girl for about 4-5 years. They also dated in high school and then broke up for about a year in college before getting back together. They been living together in apt with another close friend and roommate for almost 3 years now. They recently found a nice house for rent and have decided to move there. However... We are all from a small southern town. My brother, like me, is half black half asian. His gf is white. She has NEVER told her family about him simply because he is NOT white. They live about 2 hours from our old town, and when her family comes to visit, my brother has to pack up all his things, remove all evidence, and go to stay with a friend until they leave. I did not find out about this until last year and was pretty upset about it because this girl claims to truly love him. Well, now, my brother has finally decided to give her an ultimatum. Either she tells her parents about him, or he's not moving into the new house with them. They are 2 weeks from the move in date, and now she is trying to compromise. She is saying that she will tell her parents about him this weekend, but she won't tell them he is moving in with them. He's asked me what he should do. My opinion is that this is not good enough. In the event that they come to visit, he will STILL have to pack all of his things and find somewhere to stay until they leave - in a house that he pays rent, utilities, etc. My brother is a really good kid. He was a model student in high school, all his teachers and classmates loved him. He went to college on a full scholarship and graduated on the dean's list. He's now continuing his education to go into physical therapy while working a full time job. He's never been in trouble a day in his life, is good with money, and completely independent. He really loves this girl, and they have a good relationship with a lot of history, but does not want to continue being her "secret" anymore. I know what I would do, but I would like to get opinions from others so I can show the responses to my brother.
mammasita Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I agree with you 100%. I can't even imagine how it must feel to be kept a secret like that. I hope your brother has enough sense to walk away if his GF can't acknowledge him to her family. 13
Els Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Are you certain the reason is because of his race? If that is the case, then it should definitely be a dealbreaker for him. I can't see how a healthy relationship could include racial discrimination. However, many of my friends who are cohabitating before marriage, do not tell their traditional parents about it. It isn't about being ashamed of the partner, it's just a generational/belief divide, in that it would probably break the family up if they did. In that case I would be more understanding about her not informing her parents that she is living with him. 5
krazikat Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Wow! I am completely gobsmacked and outraged by this post. This is 2014. This type of thing should not happen anymore. I would advise your brother to dump her immediately and find someone who loves him unconditionally and would not be ashamed of him or have to hide him from her parents. Absolutely vile and disgusting behaviour. If someone did that to me (told me I had to leave and take my stuff so she could hide the evidence) she would not see me again. I'm sorry for what your brother is going through. Hopefully he does the right thing. It is very sad that this type of ignorant behavior still exists.
pickflicker Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Agreed. A secret relationship is a nothing relationship. He should walk until she tells her folks. What happens if he wants to marry her? 2
gaius Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I think you should butt out and let him do what makes him happy. I'm sure a guy that has all that going for him has choices about who he could date, but he picks her for a reason. I had a girlfriend I dated for over a year and never met a single member of her family. Never got added to facebook. From what I understand halfway through she told them she was dating someone but for whatever reason she never wanted me to meet anybody. Which was fine, I never assumed it had anything to do with me and when we were together she made me happier than anyone else could. So it was worth the little bit of weirdness that caused. Even if why your brother's girlfriend doesn't tell her parents has something to do with his race I don't see that as any better or worse than whatever reason my ex wouldn't tell her parents about me.
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 Are you certain the reason is because of his race? Yes. Her parents are firmly against interracial dating/marriages. I think you should butt out and let him do what makes him happy. I'm sure a guy that has all that going for him has choices about who he could date' date=' but he picks her for a reason.[/quote'] First of all. I've never gotten involved. I've given my opinion/thoughts when ASKED for it. My mother and I both still welcome her in our home. And maybe YOU were happy, but my brother obviously IS NOT and that is why he gave the ultimatum. He's been doing this song & dance of having to move his stuff and find somewhere to stay for almost 3 years. They've been together for FIVE years. She claims she loves him and has told me personally that she would marry him in a heartbeat and have his children. How could she marry him if she can't even tell her parents about him?? They can never spend holidays together, because holidays involve her family. My mother buys her a gift for xmas every year though. It's not fair to my brother, and this far into the relationship, they should not still be hiding from her family. If they don't want to meet him, be around him, that's fine, but they should KNOW about him and he shouldn't have to move out of his own home just because they decide to visit. 3
gaius Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 First of all. I've never gotten involved. I've given my opinion/thoughts when ASKED for it. My mother and I both still welcome her in our home. And maybe YOU were happy, but my brother obviously IS NOT and that is why he gave the ultimatum. He's been doing this song & dance of having to move his stuff and find somewhere to stay for almost 3 years. They've been together for FIVE years. She claims she loves him and has told me personally that she would marry him in a heartbeat and have his children. How could she marry him if she can't even tell her parents about him?? They can never spend holidays together, because holidays involve her family. My mother buys her a gift for xmas every year though. It's not fair to my brother, and this far into the relationship, they should not still be hiding from her family. If they don't want to meet him, be around him, that's fine, but they should KNOW about him and he shouldn't have to move out of his own home just because they decide to visit. If he agrees with you and feels her parents simply knowing isn't enough then he should make that ultimatum too. But I do remember trying to please both my family and my girlfriend when I was in his situation which was an uncomfortable balance. I might have pushed her a little harder than I personally wanted to based on what my family thought, which was a mistake in the end I think. Her actions didn't really bother me that much but the disapproval from my family about it did. If that makes any sense. I would just advise him to base his actions on what HE thinks and wants. It's great you and your mom treat her with such respect and you bring up perfectly fair points about marriage and children which he should address if they're a priority for him. They could probably get married without parental involvement but children would be a different story. 1
RedRobin Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Maybe her parents are a-holes and she is embarrassed about THEM... not him. 6
TAV Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If she wants to pretend she is single she should be the one doing all the work keeping the bf a secret: fake address, fake home, fake life. Let her stress out over it instead of him having to live like a nomad till the folks are gone. I cannot comprehend why he is making it so easy on her to keep up this charade. Trying to be 'more understanding' is all good and fine but the whole erasing himself from her life thing is a plain insult. God forbid but just imagine she has a terrible accident; he would not even be allowed to be near her because officially he does not exist. Your brother may be smart and good but he does not respect himself very much. And it is obvious she doesn't respect him either. And I suspect the parents are aware something does not add up but they prefer to keep up appearances too because in that way their 'perfect' little world remains intact. 3
oldshirt Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I think the better terms of the ultimatum would be that SHE is not going to move into the new house and until she acknowledges him as her partner. Now the house is really just a technicality and is figurative for the bigger picture. The point being is that he should not be planning any kind of future with her or moving forward in their relationship while he being treated like some kind of dirty secret. no one should have to put up with being treated like that. the problem is he allowed her to establish this pattern of behavior and treatment. He should have put his foot down and refused to be treated like yesterdays trash the first time. 1
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I think the better terms of the ultimatum would be that SHE is not going to move into the new house and until she acknowledges him as her partner. Now the house is really just a technicality and is figurative for the bigger picture. The point being is that he should not be planning any kind of future with her or moving forward in their relationship while he being treated like some kind of dirty secret. no one should have to put up with being treated like that. the problem is he allowed her to establish this pattern of behavior and treatment. He should have put his foot down and refused to be treated like yesterdays trash the first time. I agree. He never even told me about this until late last year and I was astonished because of how long they'd been together. Tomorrow is the day she is supposed to tell them, although I don't yet know which option she is going with. I told him he needs to stand his ground and make sure she comes completely clean, not just about them dating, but about them living together as well. I will post an update once I hear something.
Keenly Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I wouldn't be dating, let alone Moving in with, a woman that was ashamed of me. 1
Keenly Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Maybe her parents are a-holes and she is embarrassed about THEM... not him. This one doesn't fly at all. " baby, I'm ashamed of my a hole parents, so I need you to pack up all your stuff and leave for 8 hours. " Nope, doesn't work. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Be it right or wrong, the parents have a right to have their feelings about this matter...Now, its up to the individual to decide what to do with their life..If she is an adult, then she can do what she wants. Sounds like she is cake eating...Either shyt or get off the pot...My guess is she doesnt want to lose her family over this, so she just keeps it under hat..I am sure thats not making the guy feel so good...Id have walked long ago if I was him, just because it probably wouldnt be worth the aggravation...Like it or not, when you get together with someone and it becomes serious, in many cases you get the family in the bargain as well and if they are never going to embrace me, then I dont think Id want a part of that.. Hope it works out...whatever you do. TFY 3
oldshirt Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 This one doesn't fly at all. " baby, I'm ashamed of my a hole parents, so I need you to pack up all your stuff and leave for 8 hours. " Nope, doesn't work. Agree. She is trying to keep them from finding out about him, not the other way around.
gaius Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Just to add, I'm guessing since they're living together that people know they're dating. They probably go out to movies and dinner together, take a stroll through the park together. Labeling him as a dirty secret of hers wouldn't be quite accurate if that's the case. There's just the particular hang up with the parents she has. Correct me if I'm wrong on any of this. Whenever cases like this come up where race is involved I always see the advice that the person with racist parents should just completely forsake them and not care about their love and approval because of their views, but I don't get that. If someone could do that to the people who raised them they could certainly do that to their partner. I think it would show a character flaw if she could easily do that. Toss out her relationship with the people who raised her for the sake of her boyfriend. Just over one wrong opinion they have. Anyway, you did bring up good points about their future that I never had to worry about because I never got that far in. But I don't buy into the insinuation that they couldn't have a loving relationship with that particular issue going on. I certainly felt loved and respected. Hope it works out for brother Olivia. 2
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Just to add, I'm guessing since they're living together that people know they're dating. They probably go out to movies and dinner together, take a stroll through the park together. Labeling him as a dirty secret of hers wouldn't be quite accurate if that's the case. There's just the particular hang up with the parents she has. Correct me if I'm wrong on any of this. Whenever cases like this come up where race is involved I always see the advice that the person with racist parents should just completely forsake them and not care about their love and approval because of their views, but I don't get that. If someone could do that to the people who raised them they could certainly do that to their partner. I think it would show a character flaw if she could easily do that. Toss out her relationship with the people who raised her for the sake of her boyfriend. Just over one wrong opinion they have. Anyway, you did bring up good points about their future that I never had to worry about because I never got that far in. But I don't buy into the insinuation that they couldn't have a loving relationship with that particular issue going on. I certainly felt loved and respected. Hope it works out for brother Olivia. They are only able to do these things because they live more than 2 hours from our home town. Her parents and my mother both still live there so when they go home, they must always take separate cars and do not spend any of that time together unless she goes to my mother's house who lives on the outskirts of town. Like I said before, they originally began dating in high school and were dating more than a year then before going their separate ways during college. I remember back then that my brother wouldn't admit to her being his gf, and I didn't understand why. He would keep saying that they were just friends. I realize now that it was because she was worried that someone in town would tell her parents if they identified themselves as anything more. The difficulty in the situation with her parents is the reason my brother has gone along with the secret for so long. But I think he now believes that with so much time invested and the fact that they have been living together for so long, that he is not willing to play the game anymore. We will see...
Els Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 If she has been with him for this long and is loyal in all other ways, I wouldn't necessarily consider this to be a 'game' that she is playing. I think she might be young and confused and just not ready or willing to tell her parents to f**k off with regards to her love life. I have certainly seen couples with traditional parents start out like that and are still happily together or married (the parents eventually resigned to it or were gradually brought in after engagement). It is certainly his right to not want any part of it, though, and especially if her parents dislike his race, he will be in a tough situation if he plans on spending their lives together. Having to deal with prejudiced in-laws will be really, really difficult. So, one cannot blame him for choosing to leave either. I personally think you should just withhold your opinion and tell him to make what he believes to be the best decision for himself. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Wow! I am completely gobsmacked and outraged by this post. This is 2014. This type of thing should not happen anymore. I would advise your brother to dump her immediately and find someone who loves him unconditionally and would not be ashamed of him or have to hide him from her parents. Absolutely vile and disgusting behaviour. If someone did that to me (told me I had to leave and take my stuff so she could hide the evidence) she would not see me again. I'm sorry for what your brother is going through. Hopefully he does the right thing. Great post! I agree 100% This is all on her, she has to grow up, woman up and LIVE her life for herself, not worry about her parents not accepting them as a couple. She obviously feels or is assuming they won't like him or accept him into her life. They love each other and make each other happy, that should be good enough! Your bro needs to tell her how much it hurts him and minimizes their R. This is going to be HER loss if things end soon all because she can't show her parents her happiness without fear of them judging her or not accepting him.
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 If she has been with him for this long and is loyal in all other ways, I wouldn't necessarily consider this to be a 'game' that she is playing. I think she might be young and confused and just not ready or willing to tell her parents to f**k off with regards to her love life. I have certainly seen couples with traditional parents start out like that and are still happily together or married (the parents eventually resigned to it or were gradually brought in after engagement). It is certainly his right to not want any part of it, though, and especially if her parents dislike his race, he will be in a tough situation if he plans on spending their lives together. Having to deal with prejudiced in-laws will be really, really difficult. So, one cannot blame him for choosing to leave either. I personally think you should just withhold your opinion and tell him to make what he believes to be the best decision for himself. I simply can't do that. We are of a 12 year age difference, and my parents divorced when he was only 2. I essentially helped my mother raise him, so he is more like a child to me than just my brother. I would never tell him to end the relationship. That, of course, is his decision to make. But I will give him my thoughts in that trying to continue a serious long-term relationship in this manner is not in his best interest. If she truly loves him, and wants to be with him, then she has to come clean. Either her parents will learn to accept it or they will give their own ultimatum, and she will have a decision to make, and my brother will indeed know for sure whether or not they have a future together. 3
Els Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I simply can't do that. We are of a 12 year age difference, and my parents divorced when he was only 2. I essentially helped my mother raise him, so he is more like a child to me than just my brother. I would never tell him to end the relationship. That, of course, is his decision to make. But I will give him my thoughts in that trying to continue a serious long-term relationship in this manner is not in his best interest. If she truly loves him, and wants to be with him, then she has to come clean. Either her parents will learn to accept it or they will give their own ultimatum, and she will have a decision to make, and my brother will indeed know for sure whether or not they have a future together. Oh, okay. That makes a lot more sense, then. Sure, do what you feel you need to do. But why ask here, then? You have made up your mind on what you are going to tell him, no? Will posts on an anonymous forum sway him more than an older sister's advice?
thefooloftheyear Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Great post! I agree 100% This is all on her, she has to grow up, woman up and LIVE her life for herself, not worry about her parents not accepting them as a couple. She obviously feels or is assuming they won't like him or accept him into her life. They love each other and make each other happy, that should be good enough! Your bro needs to tell her how much it hurts him and minimizes their R. This is going to be HER loss if things end soon all because she can't show her parents her happiness without fear of them judging her or not accepting him. Disagree... Like said before...No one can like it, but her family absoltely has a right to have their feelings about it...You think its easy to write off your family? Forget it..Before they met they were two faces in a crowd...Your family is there from the very beginning to(hopefully) the very end of your life.. Its a no win situation...Pick him and lose your family...Lose him and have your family...If he was THAT important, my feeling is that she would have taken a stand long ago....But maybe I am reading it wrong.. TFY
bubbaganoosh Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I find it to be total bull $h!t. He's good enough to pay the rent but not live there when the parents come to visit. The girl sound like she's very shallow and if he's not good enough to meet her family then she isn't worth his time and effort and he should let her know and not mince words about it. Maybe it would wake her stuffy ass up.
Author Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 In the town that we grew up, this viewpoint was fairly common. I remember having a lot of friends in high school that dated interracially and had to keep it a secret from the folks. However, that was nearly 20 years ago. The guy I'm dating now is white, and I am the first ethnic woman he has ever dated. When he mentioned telling his mother about me, I immediately got nervous. They are from an area in Colorado that is 95% white. I asked him what his mother would say when she realized I wasn't white. He said, "I don't know...who cares?" He then went on to explain to me that the attitude there wasn't the same as it is in the south even though it is predominantly white. Sure enough, when he told his mother about me, she was just ecstatic that he had found someone he was truly happy with and can't wait to meet me. The funny part is, our town is not even predominantly white and has a military base so there is plenty of ethnic diversity. Yet still, the idea of interracial dating/marriages is still frowned upon by some locals like it's 1962. 1
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