LilSprout Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm hoping to get, well possibly some advice, possibly just some space to just vent. I broke up with my BF way back in August. It's a very long story but we had been together just over a year and he broke up with me for a few reasons: long distance (though it was only an hour), unsure he could see a future and my depression was getting too much for him, basically he believed I would have a better chance of getting better out of a relationship. I'm pretty confident this last point was the main factor. Since then I have been in therapy and come on in leaps and bounds . I feel SO much better now and definitely see my portion of faults in the relationship very clearly. I don't know who I was for that period of time but I was not me. I think it was because I was very deeply and negatively effected by my previous relationship where I suffered emotional abuse. My ex and I have not talked since December, I went NC to heal and in that time I left my job and on the hunt for a new more exciting one. Selling craft items I make which I adore doing, hanging out with friends, getting fit; it's wonderful. But I still love him very deeply and would still very much like another chance with him since my sense of self was so badly warped for the duration of our relationship. Approaching and during the break up I acted like a nutcase, I'm actually really embarrassed about it. But the eventuality was that we still wanted to be in each others lives (as friends or whatever) but we were aware we needed some time apart to take care of ourselves. He has been very respectful of my request to not communicate and his friends still talk to me on occasion and support my creative work (I keep conversation VERY brief though as to be polite but avoid hearing anything about him). I believe there are no hard feels despite some of the events that occurred post break up. Here is one thing I know though and something that really concerns me. At the beginning of December, when we stopped talking, he officially started dating someone new. She's about 5-6 years older than him (he's 23) and she is honestly the nastiest piece of work I have ever had the misfortune to know (she is a mutual friend I met through his brother). I know I must sound like the bitter ex but her history is long and troubled and she causes such drama and strife in the friend group. She has borderline personality disorder and I don't think my ex has researched at all what that entails. I have read about it and it really frightens me. Obviously he is someone, despite us not being in a relationship anymore, who I care about a great deal and really don't want him going through terrible things like: loosing his job, having property damaged, being abused and gas lit, lied to, manipulated (those last three she did to me in order to get close to him! I thought I was going nuts!) But I don't know if I can do anything. Now I feel so much better and my vision is much clearer to my problems (I've essentially made a full recovery) I really would like to reach out and communicate again and in a perfect world I would like to discuss another chance but I need to respect he has found someone else. But she is just something else. She doesn't take her medication, she's not in therapy and don't think, despite being official diagnosed, she even thinks she has a problem! What can I do? I doubt he would listen to me if I tried to tell him and I certainly don't want that to be the way I re-enter his life. How do I cope knowing I can't protect someone I love so much from impending danger? Thank you for any advice, support, anecdotes etc. It's very much appreciated.
flightplan Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 My two cents.. do nothing. He's a grown man and its up to him to figure this out. He's not asking for your opinion or your help. If you insert yourself, you risk coming off as the bitter ex, insulting his woman, just to gain his good graces.... the reformed angel riding in to save the day. 1
Author LilSprout Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 My two cents.. do nothing. He's a grown man and its up to him to figure this out. He's not asking for your opinion or your help. If you insert yourself, you risk coming off as the bitter ex, insulting his woman, just to gain his good graces.... the reformed angel riding in to save the day. I very much agree. I don't want to break onto set trying to be the 'hero' and I know full well that's how it will come off. I hope he learns quickly and ends it soon, it's weird because he knew how much of a psycho she was long before they started dating. I'm having a hard time letting go. Any advice on being able to just let what be be here? I've been distracting myself, trying to work on me, making positive change and so on but this actually keeps me up at night; it's crazy. I'm kind of at my wits end with the worry.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I hope he learns quickly and ends it soon, it's weird because he knew how much of a psycho she was long before they started dating. If the above is true he is fully aware of her problems but still wanted a relationship with her. I think you should just leave it alone. It wasn't clear from your post but did he break up with you or did you break up with him?
Author LilSprout Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 If the above is true he is fully aware of her problems but still wanted a relationship with her. I think you should just leave it alone. It wasn't clear from your post but did he break up with you or did you break up with him? He broke up with me because my depression was making him unsure of us having a future, it put a lot of strain on the relationship. Why on Earth would anyone want to willing date someone they KNEW was like that? That's maddening!
flightplan Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 If what you say is true, then he'll eventually leave her. He left you over depression.. he'll leave her when he figures out she's bat shyte crazy and there is no future. Sit back and enjoy the show. Meanwhile, keep working on yourself and do your own thing.
Author LilSprout Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 It's all the uncertainty is it. Some relationships with a crazy can go on for years :S because people get so confused, messed up and scared. I was with my abusive partner for 2 years! His mother is nuts too apparently, so perhaps it's a Freudian thing? Just hoping he doesn't think this is how things are meant to be; he does not get on with his mother so I don't think that's the case. Question: if I did want to approach him soon, no about this obviously, but just telling him I'm ok to talk now and possibly be friends, how would you suggest I approach it? Or should I do it at all? Should I just stay well away and til she's off the scene? Many thanks!
guest572 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Its natural to be concerned about him but be is not your responsibility anymore and like flightplan says, if you tell him your concerns he might get ticked off and think you are bitter about the breakup. You did say you want another chance, you can't do that whilst he is in a relationship. Are you so concerned or is this an excuse to get back in. I think you should stay out of his life and move on with yours. If you start to become closer so you can be friends you might be setting yourself up for more pain as well as complications. You don't want to get mixed up in this.
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