Mr.Pine Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Hello everyone. First time poster; long time lurker. I was actually waiting until my ex-gf was going to break NC (if it all) and it finally happened. But first, here is my back story... I'm 42; she's 49. Dated for 2 years. Lived together for that past year. Things went along swimmingly until a month ago when she started acting distant. Problems arose earlier this year when I failed to do my part in chores and the like. Both of us live paycheck to paycheck. Anxiety from our jobs and such causing a little riff. Me losing my job a few weeks ago does not help my cause. Not much passion for the last 2 months. She's slowly pulling away and has her friends for support...me, not so much. I don't have the social network she has. 2 Fridays ago, we have dinner. I finally get the nerve to ask her, after a little sake, what is going on with us. She says she is "on the fence" and doesn't know what to do. I pry a little further. She says she feels resentment for me as I do not do my chores and she feels like she is mothering me. Not good. She's also concerned that since I lost my job, how are we going to cope. I know for a fact one of her girlfriends offered her a room to stay in if push came to shove. She doesn't know I know that. The conversation is getting more intense, so I offer to have it at home since we'd be out of the public eye. When we get home, I don't fare any better. She again says she's on the fence. She says she loves me, but I don't altogether believe it. Then, out of the blue, our cat jumps on my lap and starts to nibble at my goatee, like he always does. And I decide to ask her a question regarding the cat. I remind her that whenever the cat misbehaves, we put it in the bathroom until he calms down. Then, when we release him, he continues to love us like nothing has happened; unconditional love. I then ask her if she has unconditional love for me. She responds, "I don't think so". With that, I decide it's enough, tell her I am not going to spend another night under the same roof with someone who doesn't truly love me, and pack up an overnight back and head to my brother's place. While I am packing she says: "I don't think you're what's best for me." The knife is in. Deep. I text her the next day and tell her I spoke with our landlord who is requiring that I co-sign a paper saying I am vacating in 30 days. She has to do the same. Since I don't want to spend another night under the same roof, I text her that she can keep my half of the cat (spent $350.00) and my part of the deposit ($750.00) which covers my half of March's rent and utilities. She simply texts me back "ok". That is the only thing I hear from her until just now... She emailed me this: "So I spoke to our landlord and she informed me that you have to consent to signing over your portion of the deposit. It’s a legal issue. So please e-mail the landlord stating that I am to receive the full amount after damage assessment. (which will most likely be nothing.) Also, what am I to do with your furniture? you want it? or should I give it to goodwill. Then there is your belongings in my Storage shed, It’s paid up till April of this year. After that, I’ll close it down and getting rid of most of what’s in there. thank you" Now, I have been going gonzo nuts these last 2 weeks. Missing her like crazy but still keeping the NC going for my sanity, for my health and maybe for her to realize that maybe she does miss me or still love me. Her email is pretty blunt and passionless. How should I answer? I still lover her madly and don't want to appear like a shlub. As idiotic as it sounds, I want her back. Maybe not yet or until I get my **** together, but I want her back. Any help or analysis would be greatly appreciated. Mr. Pine
Chi townD Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Sorry dude, time to move on. Once a woman makes up her mind, not even an act of congress is going to change it. Plus, you can't win. Her friends are a BIG influence on her and are supporting this decision not to be with you. Hell, one even offered up a room for her just to get away from you. You can't win dude. Get your sh*t together and make positive changes in your life. Time to heal and move on from this. Dude, there are MILLIONS of girls in this world, Don't hold out for one that told you that "I don't think you're right for me." Translation, I don't think you're good enough for me. Well, time to get your act together and prove to her that she was wrong. She missed out on a good thing and she has her influential friends to thank for that! Just move on. Take care of all the legal stuff and go dark on her. 2
Author Mr.Pine Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Sorry dude, time to move on. Once a woman makes up her mind, not even an act of congress is going to change it. Plus, you can't win. Her friends are a BIG influence on her and are supporting this decision not to be with you. Hell, one even offered up a room for her just to get away from you. You can't win dude. All very good and valid points. In my experience, the female in the relationship usually has the bigger and better support group. Males aren't apt to cry to every one of their friends... just a chosen few, as I have. Get your sh*t together and make positive changes in your life. Time to heal and move on from this. Dude, there are MILLIONS of girls in this world, Don't hold out for one that told you that "I don't think you're right for me." Translation, I don't think you're good enough for me. Well, time to get your act together and prove to her that she was wrong. She missed out on a good thing and she has her influential friends to thank for that! I wholeheartedly agree with your translation. Damn, that just sucks. And thank you for the kind words. It inspires confidence and self-esteem mending, which I desperately need at the moment. Just move on. Take care of all the legal stuff and go dark on her. My question is, do you think I was too quick to leave? She said she was on the fence. Maybe I was too hasty in my decision to pack up and leave. I was a bit emotional with the answers she had given me. But I get the nagging feeling I'm too late and even if I had tried, it wouldn't have made a difference.
mangetout Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 You were not too hasty to leave. It sounds like your girlfriend checked out of the relationship before you had this talk. But I would ask her one more time if this is what she really wants. If she still wants out then you need to focus on yourself. Sigh. I know it hurts because I am in the same position as you.
Chi townD Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 My question is, do you think I was too quick to leave? She said she was on the fence. Maybe I was too hasty in my decision to pack up and leave. I was a bit emotional with the answers she had given me. But I get the nagging feeling I'm too late and even if I had tried, it wouldn't have made a difference. When you got up and packed a bag, did she follow you around saying, "wait, wait! We're moving too fast and I don't want you to leave. Let's talk this out." NOPE! She followed you around telling you or reaffirming to you that she believes you're not right for her and she made NO attempt to stop you from what you were doing. Sorry to say this, but you weren't too quick to leave. I think you left at the right time.
Author Mr.Pine Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 When you got up and packed a bag, did she follow you around saying, "wait, wait! We're moving too fast and I don't want you to leave. Let's talk this out." NOPE! She followed you around telling you or reaffirming to you that she believes you're not right for her and she made NO attempt to stop you from what you were doing. Sorry to say this, but you weren't too quick to leave. I think you left at the right time. Chi, She did, at one point, grab me close on the couch while we were talking. But that was probably out of pity. I pried myself loose. She didn't it try again. And again, you are right. She didn't really try to stop me. She just watched from afar, vacant stare, with that last "not what's best for her" jab for good measure. Regardless, I took your advice and emailed her back that I would take care of the deposit legal stuff and told her she could have whatever she wanted of mine from the apartment and storage and she could Goodwill the rest. It was all professional and neutral. No asking about her or anything personal. She emailed this minutes later: "Thank you for getting back to me . It will all be taken care of." For a brief moment, I was elated she responded so quick. I thought for a second she was happy to hear from me. Then reality set in and I realized the only reason she got back to me so fast was that she finally received an answer regarding my crap in her storage and the apartment and happy to finally be rid of me. Do you agree?
Author Mr.Pine Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 You were not too hasty to leave. It sounds like your girlfriend checked out of the relationship before you had this talk. But I would ask her one more time if this is what she really wants. If she still wants out then you need to focus on yourself. Sigh. I know it hurts because I am in the same position as you. Mangetout, It's been two weeks since I moved out. The only time she reached out to me was for confirmation of what to do with the stuff I left in the apartment we shared and her storage. Wouldn't asking if this is what she really wants a moot point? She has been living in our old apartment by herself for the last 2 weeks. Never once reaching out to me. It seems, as hard as it is to accept, she would rather be alone than bother with me. How would you make the attempt to ask? I'm curious to the wording. The one thing I still have is my dignity at this point. I would hate to lose that and be left with nothing. By the way, what is your story? You say you're in the same boat.
xUnknown Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Mangetout, It's been two weeks since I moved out. The only time she reached out to me was for confirmation of what to do with the stuff I left in the apartment we shared and her storage. Wouldn't asking if this is what she really wants a moot point? She has been living in our old apartment by herself for the last 2 weeks. Never once reaching out to me. It seems, as hard as it is to accept, she would rather be alone than bother with me. How would you make the attempt to ask? I'm curious to the wording. The one thing I still have is my dignity at this point. I would hate to lose that and be left with nothing. By the way, what is your story? You say you're in the same boat. I wouldn't reach out. As you said, you still have your dignity now. Keep it. If she wants you back she'll move mountains. Its on her. If she didn't want this, she would have (and should have) spoken up.
Chi townD Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 (edited) Yeah, she's adopted the all business; "lets get this taken care of so we don't have to deal with each other" attitude. Then go dark on her. One thing about MOST women, not all; but most. They can't stand the fact that there might be a person out in the world that hates them or doesn't think that they're a nice person. So, after some time, she might reach out to you to see where your head is at. IGNORE HER!! TO reaffirm what I just said, go ahead and read paperwings first post on his thread and see what his girl that left him asked. Remember, this was her choice. Not yours. And besides, why would she want to continue to communicate with a person that isn't right for her? Edited March 7, 2014 by Chi townD
Author Mr.Pine Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I wouldn't reach out. As you said, you still have your dignity now. Keep it. If she wants you back she'll move mountains. Its on her. If she didn't want this, she would have (and should have) spoken up. Unknown, I whole-heartedly agree. But she doesn't want me back. She wants nothing to do with me. That's the truth. Proof is in her actions. She would have, but didn't and she should have, but refused.
Author Mr.Pine Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 Remember, this was her choice. Not yours. And besides, why would she want to continue to communicate with a person that isn't right for her? Chi Town, Your final paragraph speaks volumes. Thank you for all of your positive and pragmatic comments and advice. You have been extremely helpful. I owe you a beer or three.
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