BH's who chose to reconcile

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I don't want to start my life over; I'm too old. We have temporary custody of our 4 year-old grandson now and will likely be awarded permanent custody at the trial this fall. If we are not living together we won't win the case. His life is more important than whatever satisfaction I would feel by walking away now. I don't want to live alone - its too depressing.

 

Oh, and I have LOW SELF-ESTEEM so I have no confidence I can find anyone to share my life with if I divorce.

 

I waited too long to face the truth. I didn't recognize the most important moment in my life because I was scared of facing life alone.

 

Drifter all so this saddens me so much. As you know, my husband and I have had a very long, rough road. It is getting better, I think. But like you, I sometimes wonder if my husband stays because of duty, his parents, his reputation, etc. His affair was not public, mine was - I know he worries about his becoming public and he is a very proud man. Even our own son doesn't know (our daughters do). So there are times I am filled with sadness because I wonder if he is here because he wants to be or because he feels like you, there is no choice.

 

Your posts make me sad.

[Zenstudent]

My H definitely feels a little insecure with sex right now. Right after D Day he asked me if I was bored with him and our sex. He also asked me of I wanted a 3some. WTF? I really don't know why he asked that. I told him no I absolutely have no interest in a 3rd person in our M. I asked if he wanted to be with another woman. He said that wouldn't make him feel better. He also told me that he had many opportunities to be with others and shot them down because of me. The sex is getting better and more frequent, but we still need to work on it.

Why WTF? Do you really have no clue why he asked that?

 

At least from the outside, it sounds hollow when you say that you have absolutely no interest in a third person in the marriage - your actions proved otherwise. It makes him insecure about where you're at mentally.

 

I think there are two possibilities. One is that it's a test to see if you're still interested in whatever made you betray him. Two is that he's wondering if you might as well open up since he can't control you (and you couldn't either) - this is what I thought post d-day, it would eliminate the need for lies to cover up.

 

And yes, the self esteem take a dive in after an affair has been discovered. Of course it does, why wouldn't it? It sends a huge message to the partner that he or she isn't good enough. You have to re-examine yourself to see if the message is correct or if you believe in yourself at a deeper level.

I can tell you, it's the only time in my whole life I have seriously considered the mails in my trash folder filed under the topic "penis enlargements..."

 

It takes time to rebuild self esteem and confidence, and only the BS can do this. I believe we're different as to how much we show it though.

[violet1]

I know it sounds stupid, but yeah I was shocked about the 3some question. He hasn't asked me anything like that since we were dating in our early 20's.

 

I know my A has made him feel like he alone wasn't good enough for me. I feel bad about it, I do, but I can't change what I did. I'm trying to learn how to cope with issues better. My H and I are both a little conflict avoidant. My problem is that I let things build up until they explode.

 

We're communicating better, but last week was rough. We had a few arguments about finances. I hate fighting with him, it just makes me feel sick. He throws the A and other past things in my face. I'm patient because I assume this is normal considering how early on we are. I just wanted a little perspective from some of the men out there. It helps me to understand what he's going through a little better.

[Scott Thomas]

Any updates?

Are you two reading any books about recovering from affairs?

Have you tried seeing a marriage counsellor with prior experience in infidelity?

How has your H reacted to the A?

[Ap22]

This is pretty much the "my affair wasn't about you" thing. Like the old "it's not you it's me" bulls**t. For the hundredth time let me say that I don't have any idea what this means. WW's say this all the time as if it is supposed to magically help their BH somehow feel better. What you are saying is that your selfish desire to have sex with another man was so strong that you didn't even have the decency to think about him or his feelings. At the time you started sex with OM your relationship with your husband was completely insignificant. Yeah, I feel better already.

 

As a BS, let me try to explain. My wifes affair had nothing to do with me and it had nothing to do with the OM. No matter who her husband was, no matter who the OM was, she would have cheated. Why? Because she was fundamentally broken.

 

My wife has very low self esteem, she never felt good enough, she absolutely needed external validation. She needs the fancy car and big house to feel worth. She cares tremendously what people think of her.

 

It didnt matter what I did, how much I thought she was sexy, how much I told her she looked incredible. I had to say those things being her husband. Its like when a parent tells their child how good looking they are. It doesnt hold any weight, but if a stranger says the same thing its tremendous.

 

My wife was broken. The OM just hit on her at the right time and fed her what only a stranger could. She would have been easy picking for any predator, especially one who knew her. In the end, her needs were just that much important than her husband and her children. It wasnt until she saw the absolute destruction of her family that she realized the total aspect of what she had done.

 

So I understand the whole "it wasnt about you" thing. I know with 100% certainty that it wasnt about me and it wasnt about the OM. Replace the OM with any other man with the same motive and the result would have been the same. That being said, it doesnt make a difference to me. Doesnt make the pill any easier to swallow.

 

You said "What you are saying is that your selfish desire to have sex with another man was so strong that you didn't even have the decency to think about him or his feelings."

 

This is what it all boils down to. Selfish desire is stronger in cheaters. Its all about them.

[reboot]

Personally, the decision to reconcile was a huge mistake for me. I have since rectified that. It took years to get my self esteem back, but when I finally did I realized I could do better than a liar and a cheater.

[violet1]

Any updates?

Are you two reading any books about recovering from affairs?

Have you tried seeing a marriage counsellor with prior experience in infidelity?

How has your H reacted to the A?

I asked my H if he wanted to read marriage and infidelity book and he said he didn't want to. I think I need to myself though. We have been seeing a counselor, but haven't for a few weeks. He really doesn't talk about the A. He did a lot the first two weeks though. If he sees me on my phone some times he'll ask if I'm talking to a boyfriend. I tell him no and hand with my phone. He does throw the A in my face when we're having arguments, but like I said before I think it's normal be behavior considering the circumstances.

 

I really don't know what to think. I don't know if he's rugsweeping, but he just doesn't talk about the A. Our marriage is doing better than it has in a long time. We have plans for the future. He found a good job that he really enjoys. He was unemployed off and on for the last 3 years. He was very depressed, slept nonstop, and we didn't really talk. I picked up a 2nd job 6 months ago so we didn't lose our place or my car.

 

The last couple of years really were hell for us. I was strongly considering divorce before the A. I felt bad leaving him when he was unemployed so I sought out an A to cope and escape my problems. What's sad is that it took me having an A and a D Day to realize how much I really do love my husband. I wasn't checked out of my M like I thought.

[RightThere]

I asked my H if he wanted to read marriage and infidelity book and he said he didn't want to. I think I need to myself though. We have been seeing a counselor, but haven't for a few weeks. He really doesn't talk about the A. He did a lot the first two weeks though. If he sees me on my phone some times he'll ask if I'm talking to a boyfriend. I tell him no and hand with my phone. He does throw the A in my face when we're having arguments, but like I said before I think it's normal be behavior considering the circumstances.

 

I really don't know what to think. I don't know if he's rugsweeping, but he just doesn't talk about the A.

 

I don't like the sounds of that. He sounds like he's choosing to ignore it as opposed to deal with it. I don't think there is a good outcome for dealing with it that way long term.

 

Especially throwing the affair back in your face. It may be what some people call "normal" but it's not healthy. For either of you.

[Scott0310]

Right now I’m a BH whose wife had slept with someone as we are currently separated; I still consider this cheating mostly because how quick it happened, and the fact that we are not legally separated, only on terms due to our marriage breaking down. I really want our marriage to work out, but now that she has slept with this other guy, I do feel put down. I can’t help but wonder what all they did, how he was, what she felt. I think many BH’s have it run through their heads about why they might be doing now that reminds the cheating wife of the OM or worse yet, trying to one up the other guy. I cant help but wonder what do I have to offer anymore, and should I even try?

 

I’m actually starting to have second thoughts of fighting for my marriage to work as I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. How can I bring back the life to our sex life after something like this? In my case I happened to come across a chat session between my wife and this guy and it was so detailed to the point that I threw up everywhere, and wondered the house looking for something to hurt myself with. She told me a lot of what was in that chat didn’t happen, and the “affair” part only happened once and it was recent to me finding that chat; still I cant get some of that out of my mind, many of the things I used to want to do with my wife, or did do with her, she talked about in this text, and now I cant picture myself with her without that entering my mind.

[RightThere]

She told me a lot of what was in that chat didn’t happen, and the “affair” part only happened once and it was recent to me finding that chat; still I cant get some of that out of my mind, many of the things I used to want to do with my wife, or did do with her, she talked about in this text, and now I cant picture myself with her without that entering my mind.

 

Don't buy it for a second. She did those things and more. You are getting trickle truthed because she doesn't want to shatter the image of her as a good and decent person.

 

Whatever you read, she did. And he did too.

[revelations]

violet1:

 

Typically speaking yes self-esteem does take a big hit, I know because it did for me. Understand that I did not stay with my WW and I left for a few reasons. For one to me she is contaminated (yes maybe childish) and I no longer find her sexually attractive. I compete all the time, however given what the prize is in this case, I will bow out since the prize means nothing to me. One of the last major things is that I have to protect myself from more harm. By staying with her I leave myself open for that. After all fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

 

Often times people will say love is blind. I say that love is not blind, it is retarded. Many people will stay with a WS for many different reasons. Some is as simple as they love them and would not know how to start this off with another person. Some men stay because they do not want to loose everything and have to pay off the WW for the rest of their lives. We can write a book on all the reasons to stay with a WS.

 

Now I will tell you that as an xBH that your affair will be on his mind till the day he dies. Even though I am not with her anymore I am still hurt by her affair. Thankfully in my case I don't have to look at her or even speak with her, so I am not reminded very often. I still have days were I get depressed, after all I thought we had a good marriage and I remember the good times. Then I am reminded of what destroyed that, it is a terrible feeling to have.

 

Men will wonder all kinds of things, no matter if they stay or not. Was my penis not large enough to satisfy her? Did I not give her enough attention? Do I not earn enough money? Did she ever really love me? Am I just her second choice? Will she always need to be with two men? These and countless more questions will run through a BH's mind. Ever wonder why we are all over the place and do not trust you? Hell we can't even trust ourselves to know if you are speaking the truth.

 

I say this a lot on here to WW's and that is give him a post nuptial agreement or if he wants a divorce were you take nothing. With kids only take the 50% of what is needed. Let him know that because of what you have done your willing to give this to him as part of an amends to him. Leave him 100% of his retirement and do not touch what he is earning now. If you will need money to get started, ask him for that small amount if he chooses to give it to you. This also shows you are taking responsibility for your actions. Now because he is staying with you, this means that it may never actually be used. However a word to the wise, he may get 3 years or 5 years down the line and change his mind and leave you. The question is would you feel right about forcing him to work to support you after you broke his heart? Now no lawyer in their right mind would tell you to do this, they will tell you to take him for everything. Again it is a judgement call on what you can live with. Heck from what you wrote he may not have much to take anyway. Truthfully you probably already took everything from him.

 

I don't mean to come off as sounding mean, cruel or bitter. However my eyes were opened to the fact that most men are disposable in the eyes of women. I can give examples in my marriage, either my actions or words of my xWW. I can also give examples of just listening to ladies talk about their husband or boyfriend. For me, once I realized this it made me sick. So I do not date much anymore and when I do I am very careful. If you want your BH to feel like he has not made a mistake the do not make him feel disposable. Make him feel needed and loved through words and actions on a daily bases.

[violet1]

Thank you that well thought out post. My situation is different than most. I'm the bread winner so if anything, I'd be the one paying alimony if we divorced. He's struggled with job market for the last 3 years. He went through the biggest depression funk I've ever seen. He was so depressed from being turned down from job after job that he gave up on life. He'd sleep all day. Nothing I did or say would help him get out of it. He felt like less of a man for not being able to support his family. I felt like a horrible wife for not being able to pull him out of his funk. Instead of being the supportive wife, I gave up, wanted a divorce and sought out an A.

 

Last Christmas Eve he tried to end his own life. I called our therapist and immediately got him in. Thank God with our counselor's help my H was able to pick himself up. He has a good job and very happy. In January, my stepdaughter's mom died and a couple weeks after that D Day was here. I think my H blames himself for my A. I've told him many times it's ALL me. I'm the one who didn't handle our problems in a healthy manner. He feels bad for not trying harder when he was so depressed. Maybe that's why he chose to forgive me. There's just so much to my story that I haven't posted. Sometimes I feel like my life is like a Lifetime movie. Uggghhhh...

[violet1]

I don't like the sounds of that. He sounds like he's choosing to ignore it as opposed to deal with it. I don't think there is a good outcome for dealing with it that way long term.

 

Especially throwing the affair back in your face. It may be what some people call "normal" but it's not healthy. For either of you.

I know it's not healthy and I'm hoping it will change in time. We just been through so much the last few years. I don't know...maybe it's just too much for him right now? It's only been a couple of months since his daughter lost her mom. We've been putting most of our focus on her. She's only a pre teen and lost her mom to a drug OD.

[RightThere]

I don't know...maybe it's just too much for him right now? It's only been a couple of months since his daughter lost her mom. We've been putting most of our focus on her. She's only a pre teen and lost her mom to a drug OD.

 

All the more reason he should be stepping up. If his daughter is depressed, and sees him being depressed, it will just create a negative spiral downwards.

 

He needs to either be able to make positive changes himself or get some help to do so. Otherwise I would be afraid everything is just being masked and nothing is really being resolved behind the scenes.

[ClemsonTigers]

Now I will tell you that as an xBH that your affair will be on his mind till the day he dies. Even though I am not with her anymore I am still hurt by her affair. Thankfully in my case I don't have to look at her or even speak with her, so I am not reminded very often. I still have days were I get depressed, after all I thought we had a good marriage and I remember the good times. Then I am reminded of what destroyed that, it is a terrible feeling to have.

 

I am 17 years out and can attest that, for me, Revelations statements are not true at all. There may have been a year or so where my confidence took a hit but, like others here, I figured out that her affair wasn't about me at all. We both had sex with others prior to marriage so after all this time, thoughts of her with OM are really in the same category of thinking about her being with someone before we were married. Not something I think or care about often at all.

 

 

 

 

Men will wonder all kinds of things, no matter if they stay or not. Was my penis not large enough to satisfy her? Did I not give her enough attention? Do I not earn enough money? Did she ever really love me? Am I just her second choice? Will she always need to be with two men? These and countless more questions will run through a BH's mind. Ever wonder why we are all over the place and do not trust you? Hell we can't even trust ourselves to know if you are speaking the truth.

 

Men don't wonder these things. Teenage boys do. I am very empathetic to the struggles and self respect issues faced by husbands when infidelity is first discovered. It's a huge punch in the gut and most likely the worst thing that will ever happen to a husband, however, there comes a time when a man must step up and be man and realize he is not defined by his penis, his earnings, his conquests and his woman.

 

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

~1 Corinthians 13:11

 

 

 

 

I don't mean to come off as sounding mean, cruel or bitter. However my eyes were opened to the fact that most men are disposable in the eyes of women. I can give examples in my marriage, either my actions or words of my xWW. I can also give examples of just listening to ladies talk about their husband or boyfriend. For me, once I realized this it made me sick. So I do not date much anymore and when I do I am very careful. If you want your BH to feel like he has not made a mistake the do not make him feel disposable. Make him feel needed and loved through words and actions on a daily bases.

 

 

If a wife feels her husband is disposable, he's not doing a very good job at being her husband. Absent a mental health disorder or substance abuse problem I find a great majority of wayward wife households to have a substantial leadership issue. I don't ever hold a woman accountable for her husband cheating on her…but I very often hold men quite accountable for inviting sin into their homes (including myself, IF I'd been loving and cherishing my wife the way I was supposed to and the way I do now….she absolutely wouldn't have cheated on me).

[Scott0310]

Clemson

I am going to have to disagree with you on the thoughts men sometime might have. For about 10 years, and I say about because my wife dropped the D word on me three weeks before our nine year anniversary, I believed we were relatively happy as a couple with 2 kids…turns out she wasn’t (read my main post about our break up if you like). Since our separation first week of Jan this year, my “wife” has dated and slept with a guy, (however, like you I can forgive it as you stated about having sex with other people before we got married), he later broke up with her and yadayada now her and I are talking again but not anywhere near getting back together.

 

 

 

Just the other day I learned that I thought I knew everything about her, turns out she has secrets from her past, stuff she doesn’t trust anyone with. Now how am I supposed to NOT think about what those might be?

 

 

 

I am 34 years old, I thought my wife told me everything, as I have shared everything with her (I’m an open book and don’t care about secrets, if I tell you and you don’t like me afterwards, than good riddance with you), turns out she hasn’t shared everything with me.

I cannot stop myself from wondering if there is any way I can make her happy again, how can I compete with the fling she had when we started our separation? She is constantly in fear that I will throw that in her face should we get divorced, I would never do that but at the same time while we talk she jokingly talks about how things will be if we get divorced, something she is constantly throwing in my face. Its ok for her to do these things and keep secrets but its not ok for me.

 

 

 

With all this going on I cant help but wonder what life would be like without having all that crap all the time. I try to put it out of my mind everything that has transpired in the past, and if it would continue should we reconcile and stay married.

 

 

So you may have not had any problem in this area but not all guys are the same. Most of the time I can get by just fine without a problem, but there are times when the moment comes up where those thoughts enter my mind and it takes a lot of effort to rid them so I can continue with my life and try to still love my WW.

[RightThere]

If a wife feels her husband is disposable, he's not doing a very good job at being her husband. Absent a mental health disorder or substance abuse problem I find a great majority of wayward wife households to have a substantial leadership issue. I don't ever hold a woman accountable for her husband cheating on her…but I very often hold men quite accountable for inviting sin into their homes (including myself, IF I'd been loving and cherishing my wife the way I was supposed to and the way I do now….she absolutely wouldn't have cheated on me).

 

I'm going to probably get whiplash from the amount of head shaking I'm doing based on that statement. I think you managed to build double standards on top of your double standards.

[Sub]

...but I very often hold men quite accountable for inviting sin into their homes (including myself, IF I'd been loving and cherishing my wife the way I was supposed to and the way I do now….she absolutely wouldn't have cheated on me).

 

Not a very fair statement to make, seeing as how you probably know little about each of these men your holding accountable. It's fine if you want to feel that way about yourself, but I can't see how such a judgment of other BH's is valid.

 

Men and women are equal. Different in ways, but equally responsible for the health of a marriage. To hold women to a different standard is actually chauvinistic IMO. They can offer leadership in a household as well.

[ClemsonTigers]

Clemson

I am going to have to disagree with you on the thoughts men sometime might have. For about 10 years, and I say about because my wife dropped the D word on me three weeks before our nine year anniversary, I believed we were relatively happy as a couple with 2 kids…turns out she wasn’t (read my main post about our break up if you like). Since our separation first week of Jan this year, my “wife” has dated and slept with a guy, (however, like you I can forgive it as you stated about having sex with other people before we got married), he later broke up with her and yadayada now her and I are talking again but not anywhere near getting back together.

 

 

 

Just the other day I learned that I thought I knew everything about her, turns out she has secrets from her past, stuff she doesn’t trust anyone with. Now how am I supposed to NOT think about what those might be?

 

 

 

I am 34 years old, I thought my wife told me everything, as I have shared everything with her (I’m an open book and don’t care about secrets, if I tell you and you don’t like me afterwards, than good riddance with you), turns out she hasn’t shared everything with me.

I cannot stop myself from wondering if there is any way I can make her happy again, how can I compete with the fling she had when we started our separation? She is constantly in fear that I will throw that in her face should we get divorced, I would never do that but at the same time while we talk she jokingly talks about how things will be if we get divorced, something she is constantly throwing in my face. Its ok for her to do these things and keep secrets but its not ok for me.

 

 

 

With all this going on I cant help but wonder what life would be like without having all that crap all the time. I try to put it out of my mind everything that has transpired in the past, and if it would continue should we reconcile and stay married.

 

 

So you may have not had any problem in this area but not all guys are the same. Most of the time I can get by just fine without a problem, but there are times when the moment comes up where those thoughts enter my mind and it takes a lot of effort to rid them so I can continue with my life and try to still love my WW.

 

 

I don't know your situation but when a woman asks for a separation it's typically because she's already having an affair. This guy she dated early in your separation was likely someone she was already having at least an emotional affair with before your separation. All good recoveries begin at the truth. You should spy on her to get the facts about your life or polygraph her. You can't recover without the truth.

 

 

You may not agree with me today but maybe|hopefully someday you will. You are still very much in the thick of things and trying to understand this new world around you. My wife was a pretender and an escape from reality (into fantasy) for quite a few years before her affair. Not that the affair was a gift but she essentially "grew up" that 1st year of recovery and shared a lot more of herself with me (and frankly herself). It was scary really getting to know my wife for the first time and wondering whether I was gonna like this person (who had just betrayed the crap out of me too). My wife was well worth it. Maybe yours isn't and infidelity certainly gives you the right to divorce her.

 

Last thing…I clearly indicated I had similar thoughts and insecurities the first maybe month or two of recovery. But shortly thereafter I determined that I wouldn't allow my wife's behavior to define me as a husband and a man nor would I ever paint all former waywards as hopeless trash forever. Your wife, with your leadership, may just make it. Without you…probably not. She needs you more than you need her.

 

God bless

[ClemsonTigers]

I'm going to probably get whiplash from the amount of head shaking I'm doing based on that statement. I think you managed to build double standards on top of your double standards.

 

 

Yes, I hold Christian betrayed husbands more accountable for what goes on in their home with their wives than Christian betrayed wives. Doesn't mean I excuse or don't hold the waywards accountable for their reckless, selfish and substantially more hurtful sin(s).

 

Should have been more clear when speaking about Christians. I apologize.

 

I do this in real life with Christian men and Christian couples one at a time.

 

 

There are plenty of other double standards too. I generally counsel BW's that want to save their marriage|family to expose (including church discipline), issue an ultimatum and if the wayward husband won't end his affair, then he should leave immediately. Instant separation. File for support, delay divorce for one year, if possible. Whereas betrayed men that want to save their marriage I counsel to expose, stay at home and fight for their marriage and family for as long as it takes or until the wife moves out. I do this for two reasons, in generally men are more capable emotionally to handle the fight for a longer period of time without lasting effect and two, they came to me saying they wanted to save their marriage so these differing strategies are what I believe to generally be the most successful strategies based upon the differences between men and women.

 

So yeah, I've got some politically incorrect views and double standards.

[ClemsonTigers]

Not a very fair statement to make, seeing as how you probably know little about each of these men your holding accountable. It's fine if you want to feel that way about yourself, but I can't see how such a judgment of other BH's is valid.

 

Men and women are equal. Different in ways, but equally responsible for the health of a marriage. To hold women to a different standard is actually chauvinistic IMO. They can offer leadership in a household as well.

 

 

Yeah, as I said in my previous post, I do know these Christian men in real life. I am not holding anyone here personally accountable for their wife's affair. I don't know them or their full story nor their religious beliefs. It's not every man either but many. Such "accountability holding" is part of the recovery process way down the road AFTER holding the wayward strongly accountable for their behavior, that sometimes even involves public accountability (church discipline).

 

Men and woman ARE equal and the church is catching up to that notion. However, equal does not make them the same and those difference are what make biblical marriage so powerful and awesome.

 

But if you want to counsel differently, I'll let you be the counselor that tries to hold a betrayed wife accountable for her role in her husband's affair(s).

[Fluttershy]

 

But if you want to counsel differently, I'll let you be the counselor that tries to hold a betrayed wife accountable for her role in her husband's affair(s).

 

Easy! I was accountable for allowing my husbans an innapropriate friendship. I should have spoke out about my unease but I was a "forward thinker" and "trusted" him. Am I to blame for his affair? Nope. But that doesn't mean I can't see where I went wrong.

 

How about the women who emasculate, belittle and cut sex off?" in your "christian talk" are they less responsible than a man?

[revelations]

ClemsonTiger:

 

Men don't wonder these things. Teenage boys do. I am very empathetic to the struggles and self respect issues faced by husbands when infidelity is first discovered. It's a huge punch in the gut and most likely the worst thing that will ever happen to a husband, however, there comes a time when a man must step up and be man and realize he is not defined by his penis, his earnings, his conquests and his woman.

Do you actually believe much in your own shaming language? To equate a man having these thoughts as being a boy is exactly what I mean by being disposable. I am not saying it is healthy to hold on to these thoughts, however it is a normal reaction. By your statement one can only draw a conclusion that a man should be indifferent to his wife's cheating. A lot of people mistake hate as being the opposite of love. This is not the case, indifference is the opposite of love. The reason a BH may question and feel these things and more is because of the love for his WW. The way a WW's views her husband is important to the BH. Her actions of the affair shows the BH exactly how much the WW values her BH. Yes this goes both ways.

 

If a wife feels her husband is disposable, he's not doing a very good job at being her husband. Absent a mental health disorder or substance abuse problem I find a great majority of wayward wife households to have a substantial leadership issue. I don't ever hold a woman accountable for her husband cheating on her…but I very often hold men quite accountable for inviting sin into their homes (including myself, IF I'd been loving and cherishing my wife the way I was supposed to and the way I do now….she absolutely wouldn't have cheated on me).

Wow once again we can see here that a woman can do no wrong, only the man. Did you ever think for once that she also took those vows and has an obligation to hold up her end? No marriage is 50/50 it often is a lot of give and take and in different volumes. Feeling like your disposable does not come from a healthy balance of give and take. It comes from an unhealthy or unbalanced give and take. However giving and taking alone are not what defines this, often times it is in the words spoken. I have actually heard women including my xWW speak of the men in their lives as a pet. This is not just disrespectful, it also indicates how disposable that man is.

 

Leadership struggle is often caused by a large ego. Any woman I have ever been with will show that she has more skills in areas that I lack that skill. If she is a doctor and I need the help of a doctor, then she is wearing the captains hat. However if she needs a computer repaired, then I wear the captains hat. To dismiss her skills in this area would show a lack of leadership qualities.

 

Stating that a man is responsible for a WW cheating is absolute bull. Neither a BH or a BW is responsible for the action of their cheating spouse. Both have 50% of the blame of the marriage, however the WS owns 100% of the decision and action of the affair. Stating that the men are responsible for inviting the sin into the marriage is stating the man can control the wife 100%. I hate to break this to you, however no one can control another person 100%. The only thing a person can control 100% is themselves and how they react. Controlling someone else is only an illusion at it's best.

 

violet1:

 

Okay what you have said clears up a lot of things. Now a get out of marriage free card may still not be a bad thing. However I see your point that since you are the bread winner that it may be a bit of a mute point then. It sounds to me your husband may have been depressed for not feeling like he was contributing to the marriage. Hence the question that goes through a BH's mind of "Do I not make enough money?" which of course can erode the self-esteem. However I am sure that you can see that by having that affair it did nothing to improve your BH's self-esteem.

 

Remember that if your BH is indifferent to you, then you cheating on him would have no effect at all. The affair effects him because of his love for you. The main thing is to encourage a change of perspective in him on how he views himself, the marriage and how he sees you viewing him. An affair will often times support a change of perspective in the BS's view of themselves, marriage, and the WS. The trick is to nurture the healthy perspectives of that BS. Yes it is true that we cannot control another person, however by you being close to your BH you can encourage the change.

 

Just because a BH chooses to stay with a WW does not mean he is suffering from low self-esteem at all. Now self-esteem does take a major hit as the result of an affair. It often times will lead to a change of perspective during the time of rebuilding that self-esteem. This is why that some BS's will leave the marriage a few years later. This is often times why I will tell any WS that making a lifetime amends is key to helping the BS overcome the affair. Amends is not saying "I'm sorry for banging the OM/OW" it is actually offering just compensation to the BS. Now just compensation is different from compensation in a certain way. If you insure a painting that your dead grandmother made for $100k and it get's burned up in a fire. The insurance company gives you $100k as just compensation for your loss. Why is it "just compensation" in this case? Well the insurance company cannot replace the actual painting that was lost, so instead they give you the $100k. Likewise with your BH you cannot go back and unbang the OM now can you?

 

Promising that you will never have another affair is not "just compensation" either, mind you that was suppose to be what he signed up for in the first place. Just compensation is going out of your way to show him why he is not a second choice. It is saying and doing different things for him that you may not have normally done. It can be small things day to day that you say or do for him, to much larger things. You may give up going to a tropical resort with your husband so that he can take a fishing trip with his friends would be an example. It does not mean being a doormat however. In a disagreement you do not give in simply because of guilt of the affair. However even in disagreeing you still remain respectful. The amends process may seem difficult at first. However later you will find that doing these things will help yourself out as well as your BH. Because your BH has chosen to R with you, then he has also given you a job. Now that job you have chosen to accept is making sure your BH feels he made the right choice for himself.

[Zenstudent]

Revelations; a very good post. I was just thinking how lucky I am not being a Christian and belong to Clemsons church, which would mean that I should take blame and responsibility for everything going on in my wife's head.

 

Violet1, I think Revelations is on to something. If I may add that what helped me the most was/is the revelation that I'm free AND capable of leaving at any time. Before D-day and the first year after; leaving wasn't even an option to me (in my head). Knowing that I'm still here by my own choice and free will has empowered me and made it possible to rebuild self esteem.

 

Maybe your husband could use the same change of perspective - how can you help him with this?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I was completely responsible for my choice to have an affair. It had nothing to do with my husband's lack of leadership at the time and everything to do with me and my issues.