violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) My H and I are in R after he discovered my affair. We are doing pretty well. He doesn't seem to have a low self esteem. He says that he loves me and wants to get past this. My questions for the BH who chose to reconcile. Do you have a low self esteem? Do you feel like your decision to R is a mistake? I know that being cheated on is very emasculating to a man. I want honest answers here. Some posts on another thread have me feeling a bit down about reconciling. The last thing I want is to destroy my H's self image more than I already have. Edited March 6, 2014 by violet1 1
Clay Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 My xW was a serial cheater. It destroyed my self esteem. It made my life so difficult I lost complete sight of doing what was right for me. I focused on the kids and she continued to play games. I am glad you are able to reconcile but personally I wont ever do it again. It has taken years to get back on my feet and start to feel whole again. I don't recommend anyone do it. Read it for what it really is. If your cheated on its because the person that cheated on you wants someone else. That might hurt but its the truth. Its better to walk away and find someone with a higher standard of morals. Plus the chance they will cheat again is higher. They got away with it once and now they just learned how to hide it better. Clay 1
Ap22 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Yes, it does kill your self esteem. Let me put it this way....I've never wondered if I had a big penis. I always got complimented on it by the ladies. Never, and I mean never, in my life have I worried about it.....until, my wife cheated on me. Now I wonder all the time. The self esteem is just one issue. The other is imagining your wife screwing another guy. We dont picture you having boring sex, we picture you going buck wild on another guy doing things to him we only wished you would have done with us. You cant imagine having sex with your spouse and wondering at the same time if this is the way the other guy had her. You could never imagine how horrible that feels. We feel like you stabbed us in the back once, you're capable of doing it again. We wonder if things go bad in life how willing you are to stick around. Life becomes so much more stressful, painful, and depressing. It takes a strong person to get through this. The ironic thing about R is the person who caused the pain is the one person who can fix it best. Be the wife your husband wants and deserves. Show him how sorry you are everyday. Show him how much you want to make it up and how much you love him. Go above and beyond the call. Its been just under 4 months since dday. All things considered, I'm not doing to bad. My wife has done everything right so far. We still have a very long road to go though. Remember, you did something to your husband that was the worst thing you could possibly do on so many levels. You cannot begin to imagine the destruction you caused him. Understand that it will take years to get better and that you can play a huge part in his recovery. 8
Bryanp Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 If the roles were reversed, what do you think you would be feeling about yourself right now? In addition, the fact that your husband had to discover your affair instead of you confessing about it implies that you would still be in a sexual affair putting your husband at risk for STD's. I guarantee you that your husband still thinks about this. 2
Sub Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 The self-esteem takes a hit, yes. Not just from the fact you've been lied to and become secondary in matters of the heart. The A served as a reminder of some of my own failings prior to it ever taking place. In no way was my WW's A the correct course of action, as it only damaged our relationship to a near point of no return. But the state of our marriage made her vulnerable, and I take partial responsibility for that. I don't get the emasculating thing, though. I've never questioned my own manhood, or felt the OM was more of a man than me. Mostly because I think alot of the stereotypical "man's man" characteristics are BS. I'm more of the strong, silent type. OM had confidence to the point of arrogance, which just isn't my thing.
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 My xW was a serial cheater. It destroyed my self esteem. It made my life so difficult I lost complete sight of doing what was right for me. I focused on the kids and she continued to play games. I am glad you are able to reconcile but personally I wont ever do it again. It has taken years to get back on my feet and start to feel whole again. I don't recommend anyone do it. Read it for what it really is. If your cheated on its because the person that cheated on you wants someone else. That might hurt but its the truth. Its better to walk away and find someone with a higher standard of morals. Plus the chance they will cheat again is higher. They got away with it once and now they just learned how to hide it better. Clay For me, it wasn't really about wanting someone else. It was more about desiring an escape. My H and I were going through major problems. I was depressed and I didn't want to deal with my real life problems. I thought for sure I wanted a divorce. I was convinced my M was over, but I was wrong. Everything I did was wrong. I was conflict avoidant and thought that having an A would help me not to worry about my problems. It did the opposite. It made things worse. I'm glad you are getting back on your feet btw. Affairs are very painful and destructive. 2
Clay Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 For me, it wasn't really about wanting someone else. It was more about desiring an escape. I know things get difficult but your husband will never really understand this. This only translates into you did not want him. If you wanted him you would have gone to him and pushed for things to be better. He is always going to live with the fact that when things were difficult you left him to find comfort with someone else. Every time things start to get difficult he will have this on the back of his mind. He will suffer from this for the remainder of your marriage. Sure time heals but its something he will never forget. With all this being said I do commend you both on trying to make your marriage work I know its hard and I wish only the best for both of you. I just would never go down that path again myself. Clay
compulsivedancer Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I kept reminding him that the A was not HIS fault. It was about something in me. Also, that it wasn't a reflection of him. But don't tell him that unless you truly believe it, because BSs have a very good bull filter. 4
anne1707 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Speaking on behalf of my H, I know he does not suffer from low self-esteem and I also know that he does not regret reconciling. Yes, he went through a whole range of emotions after dday but he worked through them.
harrybrown Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Some days are getting better, but almost every day after 3 plus years, I still think about her affair. Yes, it does make me feel like her backup plan, even though I have so much more to offer than the OM. Self-esteem does take a big hit. Hope you can help your H feel better about all of this. 3
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. When I see posts that say only a man with low self esteem would take a cheating wife back, I get sick to my stomach. Or when I see posts that say things like men only stay with their cheating wives because they have no back bone, afraid to be alone, etc. My H is not showing any signs of having a low self esteem. It doesn't seem like he's with because he's afraid of being alone. We are a little over a month past D Day. Maybe it's too soon to tell.
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I kept reminding him that the A was not HIS fault. It was about something in me. Also, that it wasn't a reflection of him. But don't tell him that unless you truly believe it, because BSs have a very good bull filter. I tell him this a lot too. We've discussed it in MC as well. On Valentines Day, I gave him his favorite candy and wrote a note expressing how thankful I am for him. I told him that I didn't deserve his love, but he said that's not true and that I've always deserved his love. We have our good and bad days, but R seems to be moving right along.
gettingstronger Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 They say the same thing about us wives as well. Yes, my self esteem took a huge hit but it played no role in my decision to reconcile. As you know it's hard work and yes there are days when it feels like you are mentally killing each other and should give up , but if you are progressing those days will be fewer and far between. As I told my husband , the damage is done if you think walking away for my own good is honorable than do it , just don't try to pretend it was for my good, own up to the fact that you could not handle the damage you inflicted. It's a long painful journey for all, good luck to both of you. 1
Sub Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Maybe it's too soon to tell. It may be. It could also be that he's trying to be as strong as possible in your eyes, and masking it. I'm sure he has his moments of insecurity. I know there were times, especially early on, that I didn't want to show it to my WW.
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 The self-esteem takes a hit, yes. Not just from the fact you've been lied to and become secondary in matters of the heart. The A served as a reminder of some of my own failings prior to it ever taking place. In no way was my WW's A the correct course of action, as it only damaged our relationship to a near point of no return. But the state of our marriage made her vulnerable, and I take partial responsibility for that. I don't get the emasculating thing, though. I've never questioned my own manhood, or felt the OM was more of a man than me. Mostly because I think alot of the stereotypical "man's man" characteristics are BS. I'm more of the strong, silent type. OM had confidence to the point of arrogance, which just isn't my thing. You sound a lot like my H. He doesn't feel threatened or less than the XMOM. The only he says that really bothers him is that I was connecting with someone else. It obviously caused us to become more disconnected than we already were. Prior to the A, my H and I were both very stressed. We stopped having sex. He slept on the couch and I slept in the bedroom for a very long time. We couldn't discuss our issues without fighting. He takes responsibility for playing a role in our marital issues, but he knows the A is ALL on me.
cozycottagelg Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Not to thread jack, but I've been following your story. What made you decide to R with your husband when the state of the marriage was so poor during your A? Just curious. Also curious if your AP is in R as well. Best of luck, I know this isn't easy <3
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 What I think is helping my H the most is that he has a friend who's going through similar things with his GF. My H and his friend vent to each other a lot. I think it makes both of them feel like they're not alone. I'm thankful that my H has this friend. 1
Sub Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Interesting. My best friend was the only one I confided in about the A when it happened. Two years later, he discovered his own wife's A, so we were able to lean on each other a bit at different stages. Unfortunately, he's chosen to D.
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Not to thread jack, but I've been following your story. What made you decide to R with your husband when the state of the marriage was so poor during your A? Just curious. Also curious if your AP is in R as well. Best of luck, I know this isn't easy <3 I don't know anything about the xAP now. He didn't have a D Day. He and I fire proofed our A because we met online. We didn't give each other last names or discussed where we work, etc. We intentionally did this in case one of us got caught. There's no way of contacting his wife. My H hasn't asked about him really. I decided to R because I still love him very much. We've been together a long time. When I realistically think of my life without him, I get sick. He and I both believe that what we have is worth trying to save. I hope it works out, but only time will tell. 2
RightThere Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I've read that many husbands regret reconciliation a few years down the road. Initially they are all in on forgiveness and wanting to reconcile, but it's often due to almost a primal motive (this is mine, you can't have it). Not sure if I totally subscribe to that theory, but I can relate to the initial part when a BS feels like he's fighting for his wife. You feel like you want to win the prize. When you get it and the OM is gone, you start to question what is the prize you fought so hard to get. For the most part, as a BS going through reconciliation, I don't have low self esteem outside of sex. I'm confident in myself in what I do around the house, with my family, with our friends. But the doubt creeps in when it comes to sex. She wasn't satisfied before, what's different about now that makes her satisfied? I know a lot of the "great sex" she felt she was having with her OM was partially due to the "danger and lust" that goes along with having a secret affair. But it's still difficult to process. 3
sidney2718 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 You sound a lot like my H. He doesn't feel threatened or less than the XMOM. The only he says that really bothers him is that I was connecting with someone else. It obviously caused us to become more disconnected than we already were. Prior to the A, my H and I were both very stressed. We stopped having sex. He slept on the couch and I slept in the bedroom for a very long time. We couldn't discuss our issues without fighting. He takes responsibility for playing a role in our marital issues, but he knows the A is ALL on me. You've outlined one of the major issues in all this. Again, I put in the by now standard caveat that the cheating is all on you, but reread what you wrote above. You say that you couldn't discuss issues without fighting. What if you could have discussed your issues and each of you had paid attention to the issues the other had. If those issues had been addressed even a bit, would you still have had the affair? I'd bet that some of those issues are now being addressed during the reconciliation process. It is really too bad that they could not have been resolved earlier. THAT, for me, is the lesson in all of this.
BetrayedH Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I suffered low self-esteem as a result of my wife's affair. However, I don't think that my choice to reconcile was a result of that low self-esteem, nor do I think I suffered a loss of self-esteem because I chose to reconcile. What your h needs most at this point is honesty, fidelity, and a commitment to be in this with him for the long haul. If you're considering "setting him free" so as not to hurt his self-esteem further, then you're not really in touch with what he needs. He needs reassurance that you'll stay. By the way, eventually my wife and I both decided to divorce. That didn't resolve any of my self-esteem issues. 1
MuddyFootprints Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 What your h needs most at this point is honesty, fidelity, and a commitment to be in this with him for the long haul. If you're considering "setting him free" so as not to hurt his self-esteem further, then you're not really in touch with what he needs. He needs reassurance that you'll stay. This was very helpful to me today. Thank you! 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 My questions for the BH who chose to reconcile. Do you have a low self esteem? Do you feel like your decision to R is a mistake? I know that being cheated on is very emasculating to a man. I want honest answers here. Some posts on another thread have me feeling a bit down about reconciling. The last thing I want is to destroy my H's self image more than I already have. Reconciled BH here. Do I have low self-esteem? No. I know that if I were single, I could have an active dating life. I am comfortable with myself. Within our marriage I have my insecure moments. How could I not? Do you feel like your decision to R is a mistake? No, but at times over the years I questioned my decision and my motives. This month will be 6 yrs since D-Day. The first 3 yrs I was on the brink on D often. Every year it gets better. "I know that being cheated on is very emasculating to a man." Yes! Not only was I emasculated, I was emasculated by the ONE person I entrusted my heart. Her affair made me feel expendable. I would not summarize my pyche from her affair has "low self-esteem". I have described it to my WW as a small part of me is "irrevocably broken". Discovering her affair broke me to the core. After all of these years and IC/MC I'm okay. We're okay. However, there will be a small part of me that will remain broken inside. 3
Author violet1 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I've read that many husbands regret reconciliation a few years down the road. Initially they are all in on forgiveness and wanting to reconcile, but it's often due to almost a primal motive (this is mine, you can't have it). Not sure if I totally subscribe to that theory, but I can relate to the initial part when a BS feels like he's fighting for his wife. You feel like you want to win the prize. When you get it and the OM is gone, you start to question what is the prize you fought so hard to get. For the most part, as a BS going through reconciliation, I don't have low self esteem outside of sex. I'm confident in myself in what I do around the house, with my family, with our friends. But the doubt creeps in when it comes to sex. She wasn't satisfied before, what's different about now that makes her satisfied? I know a lot of the "great sex" she felt she was having with her OM was partially due to the "danger and lust" that goes along with having a secret affair. But it's still difficult to process. My H definitely feels a little insecure with sex right now. Right after D Day he asked me if I was bored with him and our sex. He also asked me of I wanted a 3some. WTF? I really don't know why he asked that. I told him no I absolutely have no interest in a 3rd person in our M. I asked if he wanted to be with another woman. He said that wouldn't make him feel better. He also told me that he had many opportunities to be with others and shot them down because of me. The sex is getting better and more frequent, but we still need to work on it.
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