BH's who chose to reconcile

March 6, 2014

You've outlined one of the major issues in all this. Again, I put in the by now standard caveat that the cheating is all on you, but reread what you wrote above. You say that you couldn't discuss issues without fighting.

What if you could have discussed your issues and each of you had paid attention to the issues the other had. If those issues had been addressed even a bit, would you still have had the affair?

I'd bet that some of those issues are now being addressed during the reconciliation process. It is really too bad that they could not have been resolved earlier. THAT, for me, is the lesson in all of this.

I ask myself that question all of the time. My H was very against counselling for years. I keep wondering if I had pushed the issue more maybe things would have been different. I honestly don't know. I just got so sick of the fighting that I stopped talking to him about my feelings or issues. That was my biggest mistake. Unfortunately, I can't go back and change any of that.

March 7, 2014

Unfortunately, I can't go back and change any of that.

After one month since D-day, how often do you and your husband talk about the affair and the way he and you feel now about your relationship?

Do you ever bring the topic up or do you wait for him to bring it up?

March 7, 2014

Yes your self esteem takes a bit of a hit at first however I think in my case what bothered me the most was that it showed me that I didn't know my wife as well as I thought I did. And that has made me question a lot of things she did that were completely unrelated which in turn has caused some tension because she's already walking on eggshells about her infidelity. In the end I am a fairly confident person and I had to decide if I was genuinely going to let the infidelity infect the rest of our relationship which is very good. I took responsibility over if I was going to allow that to happen and I decided that one of the most important things was first and foremost that we should protect everything that was good between us from getting polluted by the issues surrounding the infidelity. This has taken some therapy and isn't easy for me to do but I have to manage it and so far although its only been a few weeks into therapy I have been getting on top of it. In my situation there was no ongoing affair and it wasn't a hard choice for me to keep the relationship but I think if there was a ongoing affair it would be a far more difficult decision to reconcile for me.

March 7, 2014

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. When I see posts that say only a man with low self esteem would take a cheating wife back, I get sick to my stomach. Or when I see posts that say things like men only stay with their cheating wives because they have no back bone, afraid to be alone, etc. My H is not showing any signs of having a low self esteem. It doesn't seem like he's with because he's afraid of being alone. We are a little over a month past D Day. Maybe it's too soon to tell.

I am in my second marriage. First wife was a PA/EA, we eventually divorced (my choice and hers too) but I did hang (cling) on for a while (embarrassingly so) due to low esteem. Second marriage it was an a lingering downshifted EA (from former PA MM of hers) - kind of a glue she could not break with her old MM. I threatened to divorce her immediately unless she went NC, but yet I still had lingering self esteem issues and yes some emasculation issues. My male self esteem and masculine issues were complicated by issues that had nothing to do with either wife, that I needed therapy for. My current wife's past - finally got me in to the therapy and process I needed and worked on myself. It took years of work and while internally I have good enough self esteem now - I still know she lacks something for me that she had with OM/MM - and that makes me sad sometimes - but its more about her then me - if that makes sense.

But as to why I "took her back" after the EA (and her past) was discovered - those reasons are complicated and have nothing to do with my self esteem issues.... nor any "feelings". The reasons for marriage and love often don't often have anything to do with feelings or esteem issues.

Perhaps you don't really know why he has taken you back, he may have reasons he has not fully shared, nor perhaps would you wish to really know them. They may have nothing to do with his self esteem. Just a possibility.

Many reasons people stay married after an affair, many reasons people stay married even when there is no affair. Also many marriages go through phases and different states over many years. I have talked to relatives and friends married 20, 30, 40 years or more - and hear of many similar stories of these phases.

Edited March 7, 2014 by dichotomy

March 7, 2014

My H definitely feels a little insecure with sex right now. Right after D Day he asked me if I was bored with him and our sex. He also asked me of I wanted a 3some. WTF? I really don't know why he asked that. I told him no I absolutely have no interest in a 3rd person in our M.

I’m not trying to be harsh, but you already brought a third person into your marriage. Your husband was merely asking you if you wanted to do it honestly. He’s trying to figure out what you want and what he’s lacking.

March 7, 2014

I’m not trying to be harsh, but you already brought a third person into your marriage. Your husband was merely asking you if you wanted to do it honestly. He’s trying to figure out what you want and what he’s lacking.

You're not being harsh, it's true. The question he asked just caught me off guard.

March 7, 2014

After one month since D-day, how often do you and your husband talk about the affair and the way he and you feel now about your relationship?

Do you ever bring the topic up or do you wait for him to bring it up?

The first two weeks we talked about it a lot. Now he only brings it up if we're in an argument. Sometimes if I'm on my cell phone he'll ask in a snide manner if I'm texting my boyfriend. I hand him my phone and tell him he's welcome to look at it. He has all my passwords. I understand he doesn't trust me yet. I'm complete NC with the XMOM.

March 7, 2014

After one month since D-day, how often do you and your husband talk about the affair and the way he and you feel now about your relationship?

Do you ever bring the topic up or do you wait for him to bring it up?

I am in my second marriage. First wife was a PA/EA, we eventually divorced (my choice and hers too) but I did hang (cling) on for a while (embarrassingly so) due to low esteem. Second marriage it was an a lingering downshifted EA (from former PA MM of hers) - kind of a glue she could not break with her old MM. I threatened to divorce her immediately unless she went NC, but yet I still had lingering self esteem issues and yes some emasculation issues. My male self esteem and masculine issues were complicated by issues that had nothing to do with either wife, that I needed therapy for. My current wife's past - finally got me in to the therapy and process I needed and worked on myself. It took years of work and while internally I have good enough self esteem now - I still know she lacks something for me that she had with OM/MM - and that makes me sad sometimes - but its more about her then me - if that makes sense.

But as to why I "took her back" after the EA (and her past) was discovered - those reasons are complicated and have nothing to do with my self esteem issues.... nor any "feelings". The reasons for marriage and love often don't often have anything to do with feelings or esteem issues.

Perhaps you don't really know why he has taken you back, he may have reasons he has not fully shared, nor perhaps would you wish to really know them. They may have nothing to do with his self esteem. Just a possibility.

Many reasons people stay married after an affair, many reasons people stay married even when there is no affair. Also many marriages go through phases and different states over many years. I have talked to relatives and friends married 20, 30, 40 years or more - and hear of many similar stories of these phases.

Thank you for sharing your story. He says that he's giving me another chance because he loves me. We're both really trying to improve our marriage.

March 7, 2014

Thank you for sharing your story. He says that he's giving me another chance because he loves me. We're both really trying to improve our marriage.

Right - and love is not always "a feeling" but can be rather a commitment to the elevation of an other and the marriage and vows. You can love someone and not really like them or their actions, or even be attracted to them.

One thing that takes closer examination - while I came to an "good" place about my own self esteem, my masculinity, and sexual value....that is I felt pretty darn good about those parts of myself ....I still never gave up hope that my wife would share this view with me. Its a fine distinction - one my wife still wrongly thinks is about MY self esteem when I bring up her sexual passion and attraction to OM vs me.

It is not that I don't think I "got it" in the bedroom or over OM in general....I just wish she agreed with my own self view. Actions speak louder than her lack of words in this area.

If your husband is questioning your feelings or emotions or sexual satisfaction for OM - it maybe all about how you feel about him (not how he feels about himself) and its up to you to speak up loudly - through actions and words.

Edited March 7, 2014 by dichotomy

March 7, 2014

I think a lot of guys agree to reconcile not out of really being able to accept and move on but of the fear of being alone, especially if they are in LTR and not the young buck that they used to be. The WS already has demonstrated her ability to form outside relationships with men, but BS not only takes a hit to his masculinity knowing that his wife was performing every sex act imaginable with someone else, but by not knowing if he dissolves the relationship if he will find someone else.

It is hard not to have low self esteem when you have been lied to, deceived, relaced for sex, and disrespected by someone you trusted. That is why I think a lot of those that try to R do not make it. Once the stages of grief work themselves out, the reality sticks.

March 7, 2014

I think a lot of guys agree to reconcile not out of really being able to accept and move on but of the fear of being alone, especially if they are in LTR and not the young buck that they used to be. The WS already has demonstrated her ability to form outside relationships with men, but BS not only takes a hit to his masculinity knowing that his wife was performing every sex act imaginable with someone else, but by not knowing if he dissolves the relationship if he will find someone else.
It is hard not to have low self esteem when you have been lied to, deceived, relaced for sex, and disrespected by someone you trusted. That is why I think a lot of those that try to R do not make it. Once the stages of grief work themselves out, the reality sticks.

if this is the case, I wonder if it's easier for my husband to stay in our marriage having had subsequent affairs.

March 7, 2014

My H and I are in R after he discovered my affair. We are doing pretty well. He doesn't seem to have a low self esteem. He says that he loves me and wants to get past this.

My questions for the BH who chose to reconcile. Do you have a low self esteem? Do you feel like your decision to R is a mistake? I know that being cheated on is very emasculating to a man. I want honest answers here. Some posts on another thread have me feeling a bit down about reconciling. The last thing I want is to destroy my H's self image more than I already have.

Everyone knows my opinion on this but I'll humor you.

Yes, I had low self-esteem back then and reconciling with her has made the problem much, much worse. Yes, I absolutely believe my decision to stay in the marriage was the biggest, worst mistake of my life.

I used to believe that a BH staying for the kids was understandable. I don't think that anymore. A man can be a great father to his children without living with their mother. Staying "for the kids" is just another excuse for not having the courage to walk away and face the world on his own.

It's too late for me to rectify my situation so I try to bury my regret and make the best out of a bad situation. Most of the time my life is ok, sometimes its good, and sometimes it sucks. We all have regrets and maybe even hate ourselves for some of the decisions we made in life. This is probably not much different than anyone else so I guess my life is mostly normal.

March 7, 2014

Katielee

All that I said could certainly apply to women as well. The original post was asking how other BH felt about self esteem when their WW cheated. Any BS can wind up or have self esteem issues when something like infidelity happens to them.

March 7, 2014

Everyone knows my opinion on this but I'll humor you.

Yes, I had low self-esteem back then and reconciling with her has made the problem much, much worse. Yes, I absolutely believe my decision to stay in the marriage was the biggest, worst mistake of my life.

I used to believe that a BH staying for the kids was understandable. I don't think that anymore. A man can be a great father to his children without living with their mother. Staying "for the kids" is just another excuse for not having the courage to walk away and face the world on his own.

It's too late for me to rectify my situation so I try to bury my regret and make the best out of a bad situation. Most of the time my life is ok, sometimes its good, and sometimes it sucks. We all have regrets and maybe even hate ourselves for some of the decisions we made in life. This is probably not much different than anyone else so I guess my life is mostly normal.

Just out of curiosity, Drifter, but why do you say "it's too late?"

March 7, 2014

I kept reminding him that the A was not HIS fault. It was about something in me. Also, that it wasn't a reflection of him.

But don't tell him that unless you truly believe it, because BSs have a very good bull filter.

This is pretty much the "my affair wasn't about you" thing. Like the old "it's not you it's me" bulls**t. For the hundredth time let me say that I don't have any idea what this means. WW's say this all the time as if it is supposed to magically help their BH somehow feel better. What you are saying is that your selfish desire to have sex with another man was so strong that you didn't even have the decency to think about him or his feelings. At the time you started sex with OM your relationship with your husband was completely insignificant. Yeah, I feel better already.

March 7, 2014

Just out of curiosity, Drifter, but why do you say "it's too late?"

I don't want to start my life over; I'm too old. We have temporary custody of our 4 year-old grandson now and will likely be awarded permanent custody at the trial this fall. If we are not living together we won't win the case. His life is more important than whatever satisfaction I would feel by walking away now. I don't want to live alone - its too depressing.

Oh, and I have LOW SELF-ESTEEM so I have no confidence I can find anyone to share my life with if I divorce.

I waited too long to face the truth. I didn't recognize the most important moment in my life because I was scared of facing life alone.

March 7, 2014

I suffered low self-esteem as a result of my wife's affair. However, I don't think that my choice to reconcile was a result of that low self-esteem, nor do I think I suffered a loss of self-esteem because I chose to reconcile.

What your h needs most at this point is honesty, fidelity, and a commitment to be in this with him for the long haul. If you're considering "setting him free" so as not to hurt his self-esteem further, then you're not really in touch with what he needs. He needs reassurance that you'll stay.

By the way, eventually my wife and I both decided to divorce. That didn't resolve any of my self-esteem issues.

This isn't necessarily so. Lots of BH's - like me - are too weak to walk away and end up staying married to a woman they no longer trust or respect. I wish my wife wouldn't have opened the door to reconciliation and just "set me free".

March 7, 2014

This isn't necessarily so. Lots of BH's - like me - are too weak to walk away and end up staying married to a woman they no longer trust or respect. I wish my wife wouldn't have opened the door to reconciliation and just "set me free".

Now Drifter that is not fair. You are an adult with free will. Don't put the responsibility for your decision to stay married on your wife. You made this choice.

March 7, 2014

Violet:

I'm a BH myself. I took my WW back after she cheated on me. I am about as alpha male as you can get. I don't take crap from anybody, and I definitely don't have problems with my self-esteem.

In the initial days after finding out about my wife's infidelity, I was drawn into a primordial thinking where I had to get her back at all costs: OM vs me. These instinctual urges were powerful. Even though I know these forces were acting upon me, I still fought for the marriage.

I would argue that only those men with superior self-esteem are the ones who go back and ask for R with their WW a first time. Once the boundaries are set and the lines for R are laid out, only the truly foolish WW's would seek to cross them again. My WW knows that if she strays even a micrometer beyond my boundary that she would immediately be thrown out on the street and Divorced. I am not the fool any longer.

If your husband wants you back, why can't you accept it for face value? He wants YOU and only you. Go back to him lovingly and tell him you are sorry. More importantly SHOW HIM YOU ARE SORRY and take extraordinary steps to show him that you won't betray him again.

March 7, 2014

Everyone knows my opinion on this but I'll humor you.

Yes, I had low self-esteem back then and reconciling with her has made the problem much, much worse. Yes, I absolutely believe my decision to stay in the marriage was the biggest, worst mistake of my life.

I used to believe that a BH staying for the kids was understandable. I don't think that anymore. A man can be a great father to his children without living with their mother. Staying "for the kids" is just another excuse for not having the courage to walk away and face the world on his own.

It's too late for me to rectify my situation so I try to bury my regret and make the best out of a bad situation. Most of the time my life is ok, sometimes its good, and sometimes it sucks. We all have regrets and maybe even hate ourselves for some of the decisions we made in life. This is probably not much different than anyone else so I guess my life is mostly normal.

If this is how you feel about your life, your marriage, and your wife, why are you still married to her?

March 7, 2014

Now Drifter that is not fair. You are an adult with free will. Don't put the responsibility for your decision to stay married on your wife. You made this choice.

You are always in attack mode - maybe stop responding to my posts.

I'm not blaming anyone but myself for anything. I wish she would have made the decision for me. I was too weak to do the right thing so I wish my wife would have done it for me. In no way do I blame her for my decision. Especially when the decision I made was to not make a decision. I thought I could pretend we could move past it and that I would get over it in time.

March 7, 2014

You are always in attack mode - maybe stop responding to my posts.

I'm not blaming anyone but myself for anything. I wish she would have made the decision for me. I was too weak to do the right thing so I wish my wife would have done it for me. In no way do I blame her for my decision. Especially when the decision I made was to not make a decision. I thought I could pretend we could move past it and that I would get over it in time.

No Drifter, you have read me wrong. The last thing I want to do is attack you. I just wish you could have made better choices for yourself and your wife. You are far from happy and I find that sad. I really hope that you can find true peace one day and not regret your life anymore. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad.

March 7, 2014

This is pretty much the "my affair wasn't about you" thing. Like the old "it's not you it's me" bulls**t. For the hundredth time let me say that I don't have any idea what this means. WW's say this all the time as if it is supposed to magically help their BH somehow feel better. What you are saying is that your selfish desire to have sex with another man was so strong that you didn't even have the decency to think about him or his feelings. At the time you started sex with OM your relationship with your husband was completely insignificant. Yeah, I feel better already.

I didn't commit. That has absolutely nothing to do with H. I honestly didn't get it, or even realize that I hadn't committed. It wasn't until the aftermath of the A that we started discussing what it meant to commit, and that he'd always loved me differently than I loved him, that I realized what I was missing.

For someone who has never witnessed a committed relationship in a close firsthand way (eg parents or close friends), I didn't even realize there was something missing on my end.

Yes, we had some issues in our relationship. But for the most part, they were normal, manageable couple stuff (plus a miscarriage that I had never healed from). But because of my lack of commitment, I had managed to work up those issues in my head until I justified my A to myself.

No, that had nothing to do with him!

It may not help you, but it was an important part of H's healing process when he truly started to internalize this.

March 8, 2014

This isn't necessarily so. Lots of BH's - like me - are too weak to walk away and end up staying married to a woman they no longer trust or respect. I wish my wife wouldn't have opened the door to reconciliation and just "set me free".

This is the weak person's way out. Not the person who chooses to take responsibility for their own actions and choices but would rather let someone else call the shots. It is very common. You see it a lot in posters who are in an affair. They won't wnd their marriage but rather force a dday so their spouse will.

And then added to that is there is no way to know how one's life would have turned out of a different descision was made. A person who never fully reconciled with their spouse may have still never fully healed had they chose D. You just don't know.

All I know is stay or go I have the power to choose my thoughts and channel my feelings in a healthy way. I will not be ruled by negaivity or what ifs. They drag you down. Make you bitter. And are not fulfilling.

I choose happiness, joy and life. It is my feee will to do so. My husband's straying was not about me. Because not everything is about me. He strayed because of poor boundaries, selfishness, and choosing poorly. None of that had anything to do with me and who I am. His actions affected me more than anyone else because he betrayed me. But that doesn't make his descision to cheat related to who I was or in my case even our marriage.

March 8, 2014

I don't want to start my life over; I'm too old. We have temporary custody of our 4 year-old grandson now and will likely be awarded permanent custody at the trial this fall. If we are not living together we won't win the case. His life is more important than whatever satisfaction I would feel by walking away now. I don't want to live alone - its too depressing.

Oh, and I have LOW SELF-ESTEEM so I have no confidence I can find anyone to share my life with if I divorce.

I waited too long to face the truth. I didn't recognize the most important moment in my life because I was scared of facing life alone.

God, ain't that the truth!!!!!

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