cheshire_cat Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I know how it feels to want someone to be jealous...it makes you feel more wanted in some way. But on the flip side I trust my BF 100% and I don't have any jealous thoughts towards him or any situation he is in at all. He has told me he trust me. So for someone to have that faith in you is a good thing. Just don't do anything to break that trust. It's good that he trust you...that's actually a healthy relationship. That is what everyone should strive for...
Emilia Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I watch a guy in the first 2-3 months and while I do communicate when there is something I'm not happy about, when it comes to bigger things that I think he should know - like anything related to integrity and morals that should come from his value system - I'll just observe. I will suppress any feelings of jealousy so that it wouldn't cloud my thinking. If I don't like what I see, I move on. As the last guy I dated found out recently. If I've seen enough and judge that our values are too different, there are no second chances and I leave when it suits me best. No amount of pressure will change my mind by then. So be careful what you play with OP, the men are right on this thread. 1
iDrumKing Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I can relate to your boyfriend. I also took a very hands off approach to my ex girlfriend. I NEVER got jealous. The lack of jealousy I displayed actually bothered her for some bizarre reason... So like everyone said, don't make a problem when there isn't one. 4
somedude81 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Just because he doesn't mind me hanging out with an ex doesn't mean that I'm okay with it. The hell? What is that supposed to mean? As for the topic, I find it very odd that you want your BF to be jealous. 1
Haydn Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 If i had that kind of trust from my ex it could have been wonderful. Trust is amazing. Don`t mess it up OP.
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 You act as though something might happen. You ask, doesn't he think you might like anybody else? Well, if/when you get in a solid relationship, the answer will be an obvious NO, of course not. Things can happen even in a solid relationship. I think both parties should be proactive in ensuring that they guard themselves and the relationship and protect it. You can't be passive and assume a relationship will be impenetrable forever. And I want to know that he feels the same way.
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Candy411 I think your BF is mature & well adjusted. Based solely on this thread, I can't say the same about you. Jealousy does not equal love, It's a manifestation of immaturity & insecurity. Why would you want a BF like that? Your BF trusts you. The past guys who always looked over your shoulder did not trust you or themselves. Somehow you misinterpreted that as love. While it is fine to talk to members of the opposite sex & a little harmless flirting is no big deal, pushing your BF's boundaries to get a rise out of him will backfire on you. If he's not the jealous type but you push him hoping to see what you consider proof that he cares about you, it won't happen. He'll just dump you for being untrustworthy. Especially if you aren't cool with him staying in touch with his EXs why are you going out of your way to hang out with yours? It works both ways you know. 2
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 The hell? What is that supposed to mean? As for the topic, I find it very odd that you want your BF to be jealous. I mean he never gets jealous and lets me do whatever I want and said he doesn't care if I hang out with an ex. I, personally, do not agree with that and I would not be comfortable with him hanging out with an ex. But since he is okay with it, I have to be also.
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Candy411 I think your BF is mature & well adjusted. Based solely on this thread, I can't say the same about you. Jealousy does not equal love, It's a manifestation of immaturity & insecurity. Why would you want a BF like that? Your BF trusts you. The past guys who always looked over your shoulder did not trust you or themselves. Somehow you misinterpreted that as love. While it is fine to talk to members of the opposite sex & a little harmless flirting is no big deal, pushing your BF's boundaries to get a rise out of him will backfire on you. If he's not the jealous type but you push him hoping to see what you consider proof that he cares about you, it won't happen. He'll just dump you for being untrustworthy. Especially if you aren't cool with him staying in touch with his EXs why are you going out of your way to hang out with yours? It works both ways you know. I'm not going out of my way to hang out with mine. But he hangs out with his and they are still in a mutual group of friends.
GravityMan Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Candy, your boyfriend sounds like a good, rational, emotionally stable dude who has his act together and doesn't overthink things or overreact. I think that's the polar opposite of a problem...those are great traits in a guy. Perhaps you're just not accustomed to guys like that? Now if he was acting aloof or distant, then that's a whole different story. But I'm not getting that vibe from him based on your posts. Seems like you've got a good catch, appreciate what you have.
somedude81 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I mean he never gets jealous and lets me do whatever I want and said he doesn't care if I hang out with an ex. I, personally, do not agree with that and I would not be comfortable with him hanging out with an ex. But since he is okay with it, I have to be also. If you would not be comfortable with him hanging out with an ex, then why do you do it? 1
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I'm not going out of my way to hang out with mine. But he hangs out with his and they are still in a mutual group of friends. Have you met the EXs? Do you hang out when this group gets together too? I'm not trying to start anything here. I just am trying to discern if you still equate jealousy with love.
Keenly Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Some women just need drama in order to form some kind of happiness. When there isn't any, they manifest it in the most ridiculous ways. This is one of them.
Sivok Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Boundaries are really healthy, and it seems like he has a good handle on his own. As others have stated, it sounds like he'd let go of the relationship if any of those were crossed. The guy knows what he can and can't deal with when he's emotionally invested with someone, and it varies from person to person. For me, NC with exes is very important. Also, no staying overnight at a guy friend's house for whatever reason. Besides that, just the normal boundaries of a monogamous relationship (no sexual interactions with others) I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you're projecting a bit. Maybe he's crossing some of your boundaries and you're not letting it known? Sounds like him hanging out with his ex isn't something you're particularly fond of. Your boundaries need to be strongly defined as well - even if it involves having a tough conversation with your dude 1
soccerrprp Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I read more of the posts. I thought that the candy411 was being ENTIRELY irrational about her bf not being jealous. I mean, who wouldn't want a SO that is confident and so trusting, right? AND THEN I READ THIS POST FROM THE OP: Yeah I get what you're saying. Well, I don't do any of that. I may be slightly flirty, but I don't want to hang out with my exes and I don't want him to hang out with his exes. However, he keeps in contact with his exes and sees no problem with it. That is why he is fine w/ me doing it too I guess. candy411, You may have a great guy on your hands, but his continuous contact with his exes indicates that his acceptance of your behavior is likely a lot less to do with his amazing self-confidence than it does the fact that he is also engaged in such behavior. 1. He seems dreamingly confident and trusting, but hey, he is also in contact, hanging out with his exes. He can't, in all conscience, tell you to stop when he's doing it himself. 2. There is a possibility that he confidence is a sign of lack of interest or that the interest and commitment isn't as strong as you think it should be or is. People are known to allow more "liberty" when they are not as into the partner. I'm not saying this is the case, but possible. Someone said he had a good understanding of boundaries...well, would you expect that your bf communicating, hanging out with his exes to be an indication of that? You are seemingly critical of that behavior with yourself, so I would say the answer to that is at least a hesitant NO. 3
pickflicker Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Things can happen even in a solid relationship. I think both parties should be proactive in ensuring that they guard themselves and the relationship and protect it. You can't be passive and assume a relationship will be impenetrable forever. And I want to know that he feels the same way. Jealousy doesn't protect a relationship, it squeezes the life out of it. You give leeway and trust in a relationship until you are given a reason otherwise. Not before. You can't safeguard your relationship by being suspicious, it'll have the opposite effect of your intention. You're going to mess up a good thing here. 3
jphcbpa Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 My ex g/f never got jealous. Of course I never gave her reason to. I was crazy about her. But she never got jealous in any of her past R's. In fact, she told me that her ex husband cheated on her...he felt so guilty that he confessed...she ended up consoling him because he was so upset about it. To me that was odd and a red flag. It shows that she was not emotionally attached to her ex husband. Probably in the back of her mind she was glad someone else was taking care of his needs. She was "too busy" working 2 jobs and raising their son. I think her lack of ability to be interdependent/walls/avoidant behavior keeps her from being jealous. Not saying this is your case OP, just my observations from my ex. 1
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Some women just need drama in order to form some kind of happiness. When there isn't any, they manifest it in the most ridiculous ways. This is one of them. I don't know if I would say that it's rooted in me needing drama. It's that I want to feel safe and comfortable in our relationship. I feel worried that he doesn't get upset at the thought of me with an ex or dancing with another guy, because I want to be sure that he does feel strongly about me enough to the point where he would care a little about things like that. I like him a lot, and I wouldn't be happy if he were dancing on another girl downtown. Secondly, I feel uncomfortable because his lack of firm boundaries makes me feel "silly" for saying that I DO feel uncomfortable if HE flirts, dances with other girls, or hangs out with his ex. He says "I don't care if you do those things" and I'm used to things being symmetrical. If he doesn't care if I do something, then I feel that I SHOULDN'T care if he does them. As another poster said, he IS "winning" in a way. By him saying "Oh, well it wouldn't bother ME if you hung out with an ex/flirted/danced with guys, etc"... then I feel that I also have to be ok with it. And I'm not. I'm crazy about him, and the thought of him hanging out one-on-one with someone he used to sleep with and share a life with, hurts me (understandably so). We are two very different people with two different outlooks on relationships and boundaries. I don't see why that's me "needing drama" by considering how this will play out and if this is going to create problems for us.
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Jealousy doesn't protect a relationship, it squeezes the life out of it. You give leeway and trust in a relationship until you are given a reason otherwise. Not before. You can't safeguard your relationship by being suspicious, it'll have the opposite effect of your intention. You're going to mess up a good thing here. Great advice. Thank you so much 1
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I read more of the posts. I thought that the candy411 was being ENTIRELY irrational about her bf not being jealous. I mean, who wouldn't want a SO that is confident and so trusting, right? AND THEN I READ THIS POST FROM THE OP: candy411, You may have a great guy on your hands, but his continuous contact with his exes indicates that his acceptance of your behavior is likely a lot less to do with his amazing self-confidence than it does the fact that he is also engaged in such behavior. 1. He seems dreamingly confident and trusting, but hey, he is also in contact, hanging out with his exes. He can't, in all conscience, tell you to stop when he's doing it himself. 2. There is a possibility that he confidence is a sign of lack of interest or that the interest and commitment isn't as strong as you think it should be or is. People are known to allow more "liberty" when they are not as into the partner. I'm not saying this is the case, but possible. Someone said he had a good understanding of boundaries...well, would you expect that your bf communicating, hanging out with his exes to be an indication of that? You are seemingly critical of that behavior with yourself, so I would say the answer to that is at least a hesitant NO. Thank you for eloquently putting into words everything I've been trying to say.
Woggle Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 It sounds like a healthy approach to a relationship. Everybody should have things that are dealbreakers and know when to draw but don't treat people as guilty until proven innocent. If you don't get your need for drama under control you will ruin this.
stillafool Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I don't know if I would say that it's rooted in me needing drama. It's that I want to feel safe and comfortable in our relationship. I feel worried that he doesn't get upset at the thought of me with an ex or dancing with another guy, because I want to be sure that he does feel strongly about me enough to the point where he would care a little about things like that. I like him a lot, and I wouldn't be happy if he were dancing on another girl downtown. Secondly, I feel uncomfortable because his lack of firm boundaries makes me feel "silly" for saying that I DO feel uncomfortable if HE flirts, dances with other girls, or hangs out with his ex. He says "I don't care if you do those things" and I'm used to things being symmetrical. If he doesn't care if I do something, then I feel that I SHOULDN'T care if he does them. As another poster said, he IS "winning" in a way. By him saying "Oh, well it wouldn't bother ME if you hung out with an ex/flirted/danced with guys, etc"... then I feel that I also have to be ok with it. And I'm not. I'm crazy about him, and the thought of him hanging out one-on-one with someone he used to sleep with and share a life with, hurts me (understandably so). We are two very different people with two different outlooks on relationships and boundaries. I don't see why that's me "needing drama" by considering how this will play out and if this is going to create problems for us. Have you told him all of this?
Sivok Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I don't know if I would say that it's rooted in me needing drama. It's that I want to feel safe and comfortable in our relationship. I feel worried that he doesn't get upset at the thought of me with an ex or dancing with another guy, because I want to be sure that he does feel strongly about me enough to the point where he would care a little about things like that. I like him a lot, and I wouldn't be happy if he were dancing on another girl downtown. Secondly, I feel uncomfortable because his lack of firm boundaries makes me feel "silly" for saying that I DO feel uncomfortable if HE flirts, dances with other girls, or hangs out with his ex. He says "I don't care if you do those things" and I'm used to things being symmetrical. If he doesn't care if I do something, then I feel that I SHOULDN'T care if he does them. As another poster said, he IS "winning" in a way. By him saying "Oh, well it wouldn't bother ME if you hung out with an ex/flirted/danced with guys, etc"... then I feel that I also have to be ok with it. And I'm not. I'm crazy about him, and the thought of him hanging out one-on-one with someone he used to sleep with and share a life with, hurts me (understandably so). We are two very different people with two different outlooks on relationships and boundaries. I don't see why that's me "needing drama" by considering how this will play out and if this is going to create problems for us. You shouldn't feel silly. People have boundaries for a reason. It sounds to me that you're struggling with the relationship because in trying to adapt to his boundaries - all you're really doing is breaking your own. They're your boundaries for a reason, and they need to be taken seriously by both you and him - otherwise this emotional discomfort is just going to fester and poison your relationship.
Leigh 87 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 My boyfriend would care or at least take an interest if I were to hang with my ex. I had sex/had a life with my ex for over two years. My current guy acts very much into me, and while he doesn't mind me having male friends, he doesn't like it the male friends who previously wanted to date me/currently make occasional off hand remarks that are sexual in nature. My bf isn't the jealous type but he would take note/care if I were to want to hang out with my sex. He would want a reason for it, AKA our dogs we had together whom I have no seen since last June. . He wouldn't have a bar of it if I were to just 'hang" with my ex. I have friends. There is no reason for me to hang with my ex unless it is to do with the dogs/seeing the dogs occasionally. I am also not comfortable with my bf somehow talking to his ex again and subsequently hanging out with her. She is in his past where she belongs. He has not talked to her since the break up. MY bf and my friends bf are both seemingly smitten with us, and they do not take well to the notion of us hanging with other men regularly. Her bf gets a little pang of if she wears revealing clothes when she goes out. My boyfriend gets annoyed when guys hit on me; the thought bothers him somewhat, even though he is not concerned (he trusts me). You don't want an annoying, jealous type yet you want him to CARE. 1
Noproblem Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Oh, I hate jealous people ......I like the guy to trust me .... You should be thankful, I'm sure this guy will feel jealous if he really sense something is odd.
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