candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 my boyfriend never gets jealous about me. ever. he doesn't mind if i meet up with an ex, and he said i don't need to ask for permission or tell him everything i do. i don't understand this mentality. he said that it's because he fully trusts me. (although he did say that kissing and whatnot would NOT be okay, obviously). i'm not used to a guy being so 'hands off' in this way and not caring. and even if he is completely 100% trusting of me.. i feel like he doesn't love me or care about me when i realize that he doesn't get jealous of me hanging out w/ an ex or interacting w/ other guys that might flirt with me. he treats me with love, care, and respect in every other way. and i know that i've told him in the past that people often accuse me of flirting when in fact i'm just bubbly. still, it bothers me that he really doesn't feel any kind of jealousy regarding me with an ex or if one of his friends hits on me. is he so COCKY that he thinks i would never like anyone else? i try to be very affectionate and maybe he just thinks too highly of himself. or maybe it's a reflection of how he feels about me...that he really wouldn't fall for someone else, so he doesn't think i will either. what are your thoughts on a complete lack of jealousy?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I think you're creating a problem where there isn't one. Sure, I get that it's an ego boost when your man shows at least a little jealousy from time to time. But some people just aren't the jealous types, are secure and trust people not to stab them in the back. It's generally a good quality. I've been with men who were jealous to the point of being controlling, not jealous at all, and shades in between. I don't think it had much to do with me or how they felt about me - it was about their own inclination to be jealous or not, their own level of security and trust. 10
kaylan Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I think hes a smart guy. Hes let his boundaries known and doesnt get jealous, keeping a hands off approach. Id say hes the type of dude who does care about you, but wouldnt think twice about leaving if youve disrespected the boundaries hes set. I think its a healthy style of going about things. 20
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I think hes a smart guy. Hes let his boundaries known and doesnt get jealous, keeping a hands off approach. Id say hes the type of dude who does care about you, but wouldnt think twice about leaving if youve disrespected the boundaries hes set. I think its a healthy style of going about things. whoa, you're totally right. i could see that if i ever DID do something that would cross a boundary (like kissing, being intentional about a sexual flirtation, etc.) he be furious, devastated, and would end things. But other than that, if I flirt a little or hang out w/ an ex, he's cool. 1
GoreSP Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I think that if you two ever break up you should give me his number... 3
kaylan Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 whoa, you're totally right. i could see that if i ever DID do something that would cross a boundary (like kissing, being intentional about a sexual flirtation, etc.) he be furious, devastated, and would end things. But other than that, if I flirt a little or hang out w/ an ex, he's cool. Also consider this...its not too respectful of your relationship to be alone with exes or flirting with them. I had a friend who dated a girl like that and he didnt speak up about his displeasure with it. He merely said "dude, let her do that stuff. Im just having fun for now and dont see this long term. But if she does get out of line Im bailing". So Id be conscious of your own behavior. Because some people wont outright say anything, but will make conscious decisions about how serious the relationship will be based on how you behave. 7
Els Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I don't think lack of jealousy is a measure of his feelings for you at all; he just sounds like a secure guy who trusts his girlfriend. My guy is also fine with the occasional hangout with a male friend or an ex. I usually invite him to come along and he sometimes declines. I have no reason to doubt his feelings for me, because he expresses them in other ways - by caring for me, prioritizing my happiness - not by clinging on to me. 2
newmoon Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I date a guy like this - he takes a very hands-off approach and a non-jealous attitude about everything. it's called trust and it's up to you to not break it. in my case I know that one mistake would = the end. a guy who is that willing to have a healthy relationship and give a woman her space and freedom would also expect that she knows what to do with it. as in, not cheat or take advantage of the dynamic. I think it's very healthy. 4
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Also consider this...its not too respectful of your relationship to be alone with exes or flirting with them. I had a friend who dated a girl like that and he didnt speak up about his displeasure with it. He merely said "dude, let her do that stuff. Im just having fun for now and dont see this long term. But if she does get out of line Im bailing". So Id be conscious of your own behavior. Because some people wont outright say anything, but will make conscious decisions about how serious the relationship will be based on how you behave. Interesting. I'm used to always having someone else "police" me. Now I have the responsibility of asking myself if it's respectful. I guess part of this stems from fear that HE will do things that make me uncomfortable. Just because he doesn't mind me hanging out with an ex doesn't mean that I'm okay with it. 2
Lernaean_Hydra Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 The person I'm seeing is like this as well. Well, he's not outwardly jealous anyway. We've been out several times and guys have approached me. Hell, he's even seen guys literally swarm me and hit on me and never really reacted. It actually made me feel a bit, I don't know...I guess it made me feel like he didn't think he had anything to worry about because he didn't think I was that attractive. I'm ashamed to admit I'd even gone so far as to subtly provoke him into jealousy which rarely (if ever) worked. Which is, of course, wildly unhealthy behavior I know. But then I noticed him doing things like checking my phone when he thought I wasn't looking or if someone calls me he's always trying to see who it is which while at first, went a ways to sort of reassure me that he didn't think I was undesirable, it became sort of annoying. Like, now if my phone rings while he's here and I step into another room so as not to be rude, he'll actually mute the television, etc. Guess what? Now it's a nuisance. Now it's become a "thing" sometimes. It's like now I have to worry about whether he thinks I'm promiscuous and disloyal or doesn't actually trust me. Fickle right? I've said all that to basically say these few things: First, be careful what you wish for. Second, like Ruby Slippers, I think you're creating a problem where there isn't one. Third, jealousy isn't always a good thing I think you should be happy that you have someone who trusts you enough not to cheat or to entertain the the advances of other men. Because that's actually a good thing. Also, just because he doesn't act jealous, doesn't mean he isn't; but even if he is, he's self-aware enough to know that behaving in a jealous manner would ultimately be undesirable. I don't think this is something for you to worry about really, it's a non-issue. Everyone approaches relationships differently depending on who they're with and this guy seems to genuinely trust you. Consider yourself lucky. 2
Els Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Also consider this...its not too respectful of your relationship to be alone with exes or flirting with them. I had a friend who dated a girl like that and he didnt speak up about his displeasure with it. He merely said "dude, let her do that stuff. Im just having fun for now and dont see this long term. But if she does get out of line Im bailing". So Id be conscious of your own behavior. Because some people wont outright say anything, but will make conscious decisions about how serious the relationship will be based on how you behave. I agree that the OP should be conscious of boundaries, but your friend isn't proof of much. I would hope that the OP is able to deduce based on her bf's behaviour and actions in other aspects, as to whether or not he is interested in the long term, rather than judging it from lack of jealousy alone. 1
Els Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Interesting. I'm used to always having someone else "police" me. Now I have the responsibility of asking myself if it's respectful. Yes, as it should be. It's an important part of maturity and one that you should be glad you are able to foster in a healthy, secure R. 2
Canucklehead Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Interesting. I'm used to always having someone else "police" me. Now I have the responsibility of asking myself if it's respectful. I guess part of this stems from fear that HE will do things that make me uncomfortable. Just because he doesn't mind me hanging out with an ex doesn't mean that I'm okay with it. Be careful not to project your insecurities on to your partners behavior. I would have a honest conversation with him if you are seeking reassurances. Candy, it sounds like you have dated some dudes with issues in the past if you think it is normal for guys to be possessive about their partners. Take heed in what Kaylan and the other posters are saying here..... they pretty much align with my philosophy about trust in an LTR I have had 8 significant others in 33 years and fidelity was never an issue unless I made it one. Law of averages would say that it is likely that I was cheated on at some point but I honestly don't know if I was (and it really does not matter now or then)..... the point is that after a partner earned my trust then there was freedom to be who we were and not behave according to strict guidelines. 1
SensitiveTJ Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 A lack of jealousy doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or the relationship. He simply understands he cannot control your actions. If you choose to cheat on him then he knows it was your choice and nothing to do with him. He's already set his boundaries and trusts you not to cross them. If you do, he has the power to choose to stay or not. I'm assuming you've discussed the reasons why you still communicate with your ex and he is fine with it and respects your decision. That's a key factor in a good relationship. Trust. He's given it to you, so honor it. For every woman that wants her man to be jealous, there's 10 that wishes their man could remotely trust them. You have a good man, do what you can to keep him. OP should pay attention to the bolded. And one important aspect to consider: just because your boyfriend isn't reacting with jealousy to your actions, doesn't mean they aren't having a negative impact on the relationship. Flirting and spending time with your exes is not the behavior of a woman who is serious about her current relationship. Please don't think he can't see this. His trust of you is also the rope by which you can hang yourself, if you aren't careful. In his mind, you may already have crossed the borderline of "Not a woman with serious long-term potential." Be careful, OP. 4
oldshirt Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 . he said that it's because he fully trusts me. (although he did say that kissing and whatnot would NOT be okay, obviously). That is a boundary right there. Why am I having this strange premonition that you are going to test it by getting it on with someone and seeing what his reaction is????? Here's the lesson you are going to learn the hard way. He is has stated a hard-boundary. He is giving you some slack and leeway and discretion up to that boundary. He is giving you trust until you give him reason not to trust. Why do I have the feeling you are going to give him reason not to trust. I used to be a swinger and have a lot of friends who are swingers. Here's something you need to know about slack and leeway vs hard boundaries. When you give someone a lot of slack and leeway and then give them a hard boundary, when they break that hard boundary, there is no second chance. You can take my word for that or you can find out the hard way. I suggest you take my word for it and not do something dumb that I think you are working yourself up to do. 3
kaylan Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) Interesting. I'm used to always having someone else "police" me. Now I have the responsibility of asking myself if it's respectful. I guess part of this stems from fear that HE will do things that make me uncomfortable. Just because he doesn't mind me hanging out with an ex doesn't mean that I'm okay with it. Mature adults should not need someone else to police them inside a relationship. Though my last relationship was 4 years ago, I learned a lot from it...the same way Ive learned a lot from casually dating. Its too much on me mentally to have to worry about a womans actions all the time. I will set my boundaries early on, and if I feel Im not getting what I want from our interactions, I will bail. Thats the healthiest thing for me to do moving forward and it limits drama. If you dont feel right about some of the things you do, dont do them. You shouldnt need your bf to object to it before you decide not to do it.I agree that the OP should be conscious of boundaries, but your friend isn't proof of much. I would hope that the OP is able to deduce based on her bf's behaviour and actions in other aspects, as to whether or not he is interested in the long term, rather than judging it from lack of jealousy alone. My point was that my friend altered his behavior based on the way his ex behaved. She eventually caught wind of the difference in his behavior, but he already had it made up in his mind by then that he couldnt see her as a long term option. Edited March 6, 2014 by kaylan 2
pickflicker Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) Oh, OP...tread lightly. You want to know why jealousy is so bad? It is the only emotion where you expend 100% of your energy and get nothing in return. It is a purely negative emotion. Anger and sadness have catharsis at their end. Jealousy doesn't. It gives nothing and takes everything. I don't get jealous in my relationships either. Why would I, when it offers me no payoff? I'd rather be bringing the emotions that benefit both of us. Love is not possession. It is mutual support. And if you're trying to make him jealous, stop. Edited March 6, 2014 by pickflicker 2
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 That is a boundary right there. Why am I having this strange premonition that you are going to test it by getting it on with someone and seeing what his reaction is????? Here's the lesson you are going to learn the hard way. He is has stated a hard-boundary. He is giving you some slack and leeway and discretion up to that boundary. He is giving you trust until you give him reason not to trust. Why do I have the feeling you are going to give him reason not to trust. I used to be a swinger and have a lot of friends who are swingers. Here's something you need to know about slack and leeway vs hard boundaries. When you give someone a lot of slack and leeway and then give them a hard boundary, when they break that hard boundary, there is no second chance. You can take my word for that or you can find out the hard way. I suggest you take my word for it and not do something dumb that I think you are working yourself up to do. Thank you. Makes sense.
Imported Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I don't really get attached easily anymore I think. I can date a girl for a month or two and things are good, I like her fine and she can do what she wants, I won't tell her she shouldn't do anything. However, I observe and note everything. I have limits and I don't forget. That thing you did with some dude that didn't seem to phase me? Well, it didn't phase me, but in the back of my head it has been noted not to trust you. I am not here to change a girl to what I believe is right and wrong. I am here to find a girl that already believes as I believe with regards to this. I shouldn't have to give you feedback that you ****ing around with other dudes "innocently" or not, is unacceptable. Dinner date with the ex? Late night phone calls with some guy? Constant texting with some dude? She can do what she wants. I already checked out and stopped taking her seriously. 6
Author candy411 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I don't really get attached easily anymore I think. I can date a girl for a month or two and things are good, I like her fine and she can do what she wants, I won't tell her she shouldn't do anything. However, I observe and note everything. I have limits and I don't forget. That thing you did with some dude that didn't seem to phase me? Well, it didn't phase me, but in the back of my head it has been noted not to trust you. I am not here to change a girl to what I believe is right and wrong. I am here to find a girl that already believes as I believe with regards to this. I shouldn't have to give you feedback that you ****ing around with other dudes "innocently" or not, is unacceptable. Dinner date with the ex? Late night phone calls with some guy? Constant texting with some dude? She can do what she wants. I already checked out and stopped taking her seriously. Yeah I get what you're saying. Well, I don't do any of that. I may be slightly flirty, but I don't want to hang out with my exes and I don't want him to hang out with his exes. However, he keeps in contact with his exes and sees no problem with it. That is why he is fine w/ me doing it too I guess.
Eggplant Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 You act as though something might happen. You ask, doesn't he think you might like anybody else? Well, if/when you get in a solid relationship, the answer will be an obvious NO, of course not.
VeronicaRoss Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 If you feel yourself tempted to provoke him for the thrill please either suggest sky diving together, or just leave after telling him you need to sow more wild oats and visit a few more judges to get more restraining orders issued in your life before you're ready to settle down with a guy like him. Anything but the usual that would send him here too seeking advice about girlfriend provoking him. Thanks!
SammySammy Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 It seems that some women have a subconscious need for drama. The need to evoke some emotion or passion from their man. This guy is handling the trust issue the way it should be handled. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and freedom until she proves that she does not deserve to be trusted. Knowing that he can only control his own behavior while hoping she has the character and integrity to respect him, herself and their relationship. But, that's not enough. It's a problem that he's not jealous and controlling. I have a feeling the OP is not going to be satisfied until she gets the drama she's looking for. Whether it's with this guy or somebody else. 1
Iguanna Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 My bf is not jealous either. He cares for me and his priority is that I am ok and happy. He trusts me to the end of the world cause he knows I'm too honest and even if I flirt with someone, I tell him afterwards and we laugh about it. It's the "innocent until proven otherwise" mentality that he has. Sometimes it bothers me (I like my drama sometimes ), but at the end of the day it's nice to know that your partner trusts you fully and never doubts you. 2
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