im not ready for this.

[butiloveyou]

My children's father and I have been together six years. We've had our problems and we've both made mistakes, but now he's done trying. I'm not. I'm dying on the inside. I guess I will start from the beginning. We were only together for four months before we were pregnant with our first son. Immediately I wanted to be with lonnie forever, it was fate. Stress from my pregnancy and financial issues took a serious toll on our relationship. Shortly after my son was born lonnie and I had a fight and he messed around with a whore from his work. When I found out I was devastated, but I wanted things to work. I forgave him. I spent months hiding to cry to avoid confrontations. Eventually the pain free less heavy on my heart. We still had our ignorant fights but stayed together. In 2000 I was pregnant with our second. The stress only made everything worse and after our second son was born lonnie told me he resented me during pregnancy because he wasn't ready for another child and apologized for the Hell he'd put me through. A little after our second turned one I decided the fighting was more then I could handle. I left lonnie and two months later I was so depressed I started drinking heavily and decided to start dating this cut my mom set me up with. Lonnie showed up on my doorstep one day in tears and said he needed me, I refused to listen, I hated him for everything he put me through. But he begged for days and I realized he finally wanted the same things I did. He finally needed me like I needed him. I broke things off with my boyfriend and lonnie and I got back together. In about two months we learned I was yet again pregnant... lonnie said the baby wasn't his. I tries for months to show him our baby was his I wasn't far enough along for her to be my exs. Lonnie spent the next four or five months in the bar and even started sleeping with an ex drug addict. I finally got him to come around towards the end of my pregnancy. My daughter is about to turn one and lonnie and I recently split. It's been about two months I called him the other day and asked if we were gonna try to make this work again.... and he said he doesn't love me anymore and has no faith in our relationship. I'm crushed. I don't know what to do with myself.. all I know is I can't start drinking again. I will ruin what's left of my broken life.

[David87]

Sorry for your pain. The first thing to do is stop drinking. The second thing is to have some self respect and never get back together with Lonnie.

 

I know it's hard but he's behaviour does not fit for a father. Be the best example for your kids because they need a good mother.

[butiloveyou]

Thank you, I know you're right and I know this break up is a good thing. Just feels like I'm starting my whole life over. It's so damn hard. Trust me I've learned drinking is not gonna solve anything. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[Zahara]

The best thing for you to do is to focus on your children and be the best role model that you can be to them. Your relationship with Lonnie is toxic and you are clearly emotionally unhealthy as well. He's not a good role model nor is he an emotionally stable partner.

 

You now have 3 children to care for. Expend all your energy on them and stay away from the alcohol. Your responsibilities and priorities have to now shift to them.

[butiloveyou]

I think perhaps its a little unfair to call me " emotionally unhealthy". I loved someone and fought with everything I had to keep them. I'm overwhelmingly sad. I'm starting my whole life over. I was looking for advice or an ear to vent in, not judgment. I'm sorry if i made the drinking thing a little unclear, there were three or four months in 2012 I over indulged in alcohol. I was tending bar and went to work after my children were asleep. I did spend a lot of the day in bed then but I've always been very active in my children's lives. Then and now. They are the only thing that keeps me stable.