djcos25 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) Here's a little back story on this girl. A few years ago my friend tried setting me up with this girl. We met for coffee, things went well. I could tell she was interested in me. At the time I wasn't. I told my friend and didn't follow up with her. I did text her afterwards but I didn't hear from her. I should have told her first regardless, I'm not the type of person to do that. Now recently, my Dad had a knee replacement so I would be doing the shopping and all that. He had me take a ride to a place he does a lot of shopping at. While I'm there I remember this girl works there. I didn't see her the first night but I had to take another ride there for more shopping and I saw her. She was at the door where they hole punch your receipt on the way out. She commented on one of the things I bought and we started talking. She didn't recognize me, I told her I don't know if she remembered me, but we got coffee a few years ago (since then I got contacts and grew a beard). After that she remembered. We talked for a good 15 minutes, sometimes with the occasional break where she had to hole punch customer's receipts. I asked her to dinner and she said yes. She said it would have to be on a weekend preferably, as she has classes/internship during the day, so she has to work at night. She gave me her number and permission to add her on facebook. She gave me a hug before I left. I texted her but didn't hear from her. She added me on facebook so I tried on there, I have more luck with her on facebook. She told me her phone died, that's why she didn't respond. Before we started talking I apologized for what happened before, saying before I met her, a previous girl had hurt me. She said apology accepted. For weeks we have been trying to set something up, but something always happens - she's working, it snows (we've had a bad winter), I recently got sick with a head cold. After one of the times where she told me she was working she said let's not drop the ball on this. From time to time she will 'like' some of my statuses on facebook. I took a ride up there a week or so ago to do more shopping, my Dad came with me. I saw my friends mom who works there. I told her that we have a date setup, its just finding a night that works for us. She told me that she's a good kid, real shy and to be a gentleman with her (even though she knows I am). She also told me the only income they have is hers right now. Her parents lost their jobs and almost lost the house, so a lot of her co-workers try to get her more hours. This past weekend I messaged her on facebook to see how her weekend and work was. She said her grandfather passed away. I knew exactly what she was going through, I lost mine a few years ago. I went to the wake, and as soon as she saw me she came to see me. She gave me a hug, held my hand a bit, said I didn't have to come out and take time out of my day. She had me meet her family, and to text or facebook her. I gave her another hug and kissed her on the cheek and said if you need anything just call or text me. I also left a spiritual with the family. I know there's no real "timetable" for something like this, how should I proceed? Edited March 6, 2014 by djcos25
Author djcos25 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing so far and she seems receptive. You just have to be understanding of her time at the moment since she's grieving. No time table is needed. Just go with the natural flow and see how it plays out. You can only ruin your chances by being too demanding of her time. Good luck! Yeah that's why I posted here because that's the last thing I want to do haha. I've been patient with trying to set something up. I did ask her at the wake if she wanted me to stick around for a few minutes but she politely declined, plus at that moment her Mother was calling for her anyway. I forgot to mention when she was introducing me to her family she said "This is a dear friend of mine." I texted my friend and told him I went to the wake, he said I shouldn't wait and ask her to dinner. I told him, I'm like "dude her grandfather just passed. I know you're married but trust me on this." All I said to her was if she needed anything to call/text me. Disregarding her grandfather's passing, she told me she's busy which is why weeks have gone by and we still haven't gone to dinner. I know the saying "if they're interested they'll find time for you." I agree but she even told me that she's busy, and she's not just saying that, her schedule is really hectic. She's not the type of girl to play games, which is why my friend tried to set us up in the first place. I did see her before she noticed me at the wake and to see her upset like that, I felt bad for her. She asked me afterwards why I looked sad, I told her my grandfather passed a few years ago so I knew what she was going through. My Dad said it was good I went to the wake, she was probably happy to see me because somebody came for her and not just the family. As long as I keep doing what I'm doing and check in with her occasionally and see how she's doing I should be fine?
babycakees Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Keep doing what you are doing. She seems interested in getting to know you better. Understand she is going through some tough times right now, though, and may not actually have much time to date. Keep in contact with her and take it day by day.
GemmaUK Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 I see you bumped this a couple of times over a few days. The situation is a little awkward which is possibly why you haven't had many responses. I've lost both my parents (mum 3 weeks before I turned 18 and dad 16 years and 2 days after her) so my reply is going to be somewhat based on that. Also, I'm from the UK and it's totally possible that funerals and wakes are treated differently somewhat due to cultural differences. She was interested clearly. I wouldn't spend 15 minutes chatting to someone without saying 'sorry, can't really chat as I am working' , nor would I accept a dinner date nor offer up facebook. Your friend's mum gave you some good advice and insight too. Firstly, she has a heck of a lot on her shoulders with her folks out of work. I have no idea how old either of you are..20's/30's? From what your friends mum said she is a lovely lady who is doing her best to keep it all together. She is grown up enough to take that responsibility. It's a good thing but it also means she is no wilting flower and she is independent. Independent women need some careful thought. I am one myself so I know this! When things didn't pan out with the inner date she put a halt on it. To her I think this means she has written it off if I am honest. When you as a person are having a hectic life and all is crashing own around you you tend not to get sick with even a cold. Your body recognises that you don't need that on top. But sometimes..it just happens as well and on top of everything and you just take cold and flu meds and live through it. It doesn't stop you having to work or anything else. You weren't free when she was as you had a head cold. To be fair to her she has probably just worked through any head colds that she has had. Me and many folk I know don't stop if we have a head cold. It's a cold. If we can still eat and function but give ourselves extra rest it's a few days to get through normally. OK, the next part and I might be way off here...culturally that is. Death is very very personal. I have so far lost my uncle when I was 8 years old( he was lovely and I still think of him at age 43), my great aunt (same as with uncle) , my grandfather (no sympathy required as I disliked the man for so many reasons) my step grandmother (again, no sympathy needed), my mum (wish I had been older when I lost her and ad learned more from her), my dad (my lovely dad who I only got the opportunity to get close to after my mum passed away - I am so glad that I did! My dad is the one I love and miss the most). Funerals and wakes in the UK are open to anyone normally. My dad's funeral mostly was his friends and me and my guy plus his family. The wake was gate crashed by many of my friends and I was so very touched as they were long time friends, If a guy who had asked me on a date had arrived I am unsure what I would have done. She called you a 'dear friend' and she had only met you twice. I think she was making it more comfy for herself. She didn't want you to stay. I understand (and she does I think) your sentiment. But..read my story about those deaths again..what I never ever do now is assume I 'know how you feel because 'X' has died'. No one ever knows how someone feels. The best thing to say is that you have been though death of a grandparent as well and that you have no idea how they 'feel' as each death is so very different and to many people it is so incredibly sensitive but that you can relate to it. Then leave it at that. My words are always 'I'm so sorry to hear you lost 'X' and I have no idea how you feel but I have lost 'X' so I understand that times are not easy. If you want to talk then I'm here..Losing someone can bring out all kinds of emotions which I completely understand. Every loss is different, everyone is different. It's all OK to feel whatever . I'm thinking of you.' Turning up at the wake may have been a bad move is what I am saying...but I absolutely know it was only good intentions on your part. Just be aware that she may have felt it to be really awkward at the time. I would leave it for now. Let her life get back to some kind of normal.
Author djcos25 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Keep doing what you are doing. She seems interested in getting to know you better. Understand she is going through some tough times right now, though, and may not actually have much time to date. Keep in contact with her and take it day by day. If she seems interested how come I never hear from her? My friends mom said she's a really shy girl, could that be it? Since the beginning of February she has only texted me twice. Once to tell me she couldn't switch her hours, as it was the start of the month when the food stamps get sent out, and I'm forgetting what the second time was about. As for me getting sick, I never asked what her schedule was at that point. I was sick, I wasn't going to go out with her and possibly get her sick. How would going to the wake be a bad move? I thought it would have been bad/rude if I didn't go. When she saw me she came right up and hugged me. My Dad said she was probably happy someone came for HER and not the family. Before I left the wake she even told me to text or facebook her. I didn't for a week so I could give her some space. I did message her last night although she hasn't seen it, just asking how are things. I hope it was ok to bump, this was on the 3rd page I think. I honestly don't know what to do. I've never been more confused about something like this. If one of my friends told me something like this, I would say she's not interested. But I don't want to make that mistake, if she is interested. I mean, she doesn't have 2, 3 hours? I saw on her facebook she went to a hockey game with her Dad last night. Should I text her saying I'm still interested in going out on that date if you are? I kinda don't want to, just wanna see some opinions.
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