LadyOfHope Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Hello love hopefuls, Have you been in a relationship where sex was the focal point and not your stagnant, suffocating relationship? There's a story to follow. I have been dating a local fella for 4 months. We each have kids (throwing it out there as it's hard to get out of the house some days). We've had 7-8 dates. Sex occurred each time but 3 of them (my bad!!! It's been ages!). Well, I regret the early put-out. Juuuust saying. Our slow-to-progress relationship is based on calling each other "sexypants", describing what we'll do to each other the next time we meet up again, and various other hot physical connections. What I wish we would discuss is our wants and desires in a relationship, our goals, our hopes, etc. I put on the breaks during our other date prior to clothes flying off. I openly expressed to him my desire for a man who is as crazy about me as I am him. We text each other daily, however, we never speak on the telephone. We do have a little depth to our conversations, but it's usually borderline 'weather' talk. He wants to stay away from labels (Valentines Day, Anniversaries, etc), but we're steady and both looking for long term commitment. Am I missing something? LOL This relationship is missing the foundational grease-fire passion. And firetrucks. I want him to be crazy enough for me to want to come over for a kiss goodnight (not just say it). I want his excitement to be so grand that he does want to go out of his way to express to me or others about his affection towards our relationship. I would personally care less if he expressed it to me as my voids are filled and do not expect my mate to fill any if I had them. I just want a man who has the passion about 'us' that he wants to tell it to the world or me, or SOMETHING! Is that so hard to ask? Call me hopeful. Or dumb. I'm planning on having another talk with him (or as he calls it, having my girl-moment ~ grumbles) this week. Anything I should mention? Thank you for your wonderfully intentional feedback
oldshirt Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) I'm assuming you are both divorced and both have had some periods of dry spells. So for starters don't apologize or feel regretful for wanting some lovins and not being afraid to express some desire. You are both consenting adults and have a right to a love and sexlife. It does a body good. But anyway this all really goes back to being a grown up and stating your objectives, boundaries and limitation and enforcing them. If you want a real relationship, make your intentions known an pursue it. If you don't want a FWB relationship - don't. My suggestion as a middle aged guy is bump up your girl game a notch or two and be a little more proactive about your communications and dates. Initiate some dates where sex just simply isn't likely to occur such as something in a public venue and be less available to get nakey at the end of the evening. If it's applicable and appropriate consider doing something with the kids. Also instead of returning a "sexypants" txt. Actually call him and ask him or tell him about something relatively mundane like normal couples do. In otherwords don't make a big deal of it or make any kind of profound statements or grand gestures. Just simply start doing some of the things and start talking about some of the things normal couples do. If he falls in step with you seemlessly and does what people in relationships do, then if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck........ If he starts flaking left and right and disappears like a fart in the wind then you have your answer. I'm going to stereotype here but men typically aren't good about talking about relationships and often just kinda nod their heads and say, "me too" when women talk about relationship stuff, it just kind of goes over their heads. Men speak through their actions and what they do. If he starts taking you to the concerts you've been wanting to see and meeting up with some of your friends and going to the roller rink with you and all the kids on a Sat afternoon, he's walking the walk. If he's always busy and can't do that stuff but can always show up at your house at midnight with a 12pack of Schlitz and a stiffy on a moment's notice then he's in it for the booty. Edited March 5, 2014 by oldshirt 7
joystickd Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 This relationship is missing the foundational grease-fire passion. And firetrucks. I want him to be crazy enough for me to want to come over for a kiss goodnight (not just say it). I want his excitement to be so grand that he does want to go out of his way to express to me or others about his affection towards our relationship. I would personally care less if he expressed it to me as my voids are filled and do not expect my mate to fill any if I had them. I just want a man who has the passion about 'us' that he wants to tell it to the world or me, or SOMETHING! Are you sure that is what you want or do you really want a relationship that he is more into the relationship than you? Usually I find that usually relationships work that the woman in more into the relationship than the man. Well usually my experience. Maybe your problem is these guys are not feeling that way because they are not seeing that from you either. People do feed off of each other when it comes to relationships. If one is seen as inconsistent then there is no reason for the other person to be consistent.
OhThatGirl Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 OP. I want all of that too. When you figure out how to get it, let me know. Like oldshirt says, start modeling the kind of relationship behaviors you'd like to see from him. No big deal, just lead it in that direction without a declaration of what you're doing. He joins in, you're good. He doesn't like that direction? Well, then you've got a problem. I too agree that at some point a conversation won't be too effective, especially if you've made your position clear. Actions show you the real intentions. Great post oldshirt.. Spot on.
Author LadyOfHope Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 Thanks good-helpin' advisors!!! Plenty of great information to include in our next discussion. We see each other once a week, and communicate through text. Texting is a guesstimate game of the mood behind the words. He doesn't enjoy telephone conversations, even though we have not yet tried. On my end I feel there is a disconnect, however, he does not feel this at all. When we are together, its like constant physical fireworks. I'm hoping we'll break the communication barrier sooner rather than later. I want to find my Mr. Right. He is a decent fellow and I am hopeful. Time will surely tell. Thanks again for your messages of inspiration!
Tayken Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Then it's only a matter of time before things go South.. Bad foundation to build a relationship on
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