BanditK Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 First off, this is a long story. My on again, off again girlfriend of three years and I had been talking about getting married. I purchased the ring she wanted (in secret but she found out later), we looked at bands for me, looked at colors and dates. I was all set to pop the question in a couple of weeks. We are separated due to the fact that she is training for a job in California and may get a permanent position upon completion. I live in the Midwest. We had a great Valentines Day weekend and she left me a very lengthy love letter. Four days later, she explained, out of the blue that she wanted to wait to be engaged until someone moved. It totally caught me off guard. I gave her time and space for the week when she called again and said nothing in the world made her happy. She lives alone out there and has very few friends. She is lonely, depressed and questioned whether or not we’d both make each other happy in the future. She asked for space so I gave it to her. She kept texting me to tell me that her love for me hadn’t changed and that I had done nothing wrong. She just needed to find her own happiness and that someone needed to move. I am in an industry where the job market is limited; hers is wide open. She text me again yesterday morning and we got to arguing and she complained that we always fight, never communicate and a few other things. Our core values align, our families get along and marriage is what everyone expected. She couldn’t tell me how long she needed to figure out what she needed to and told me again that someone had to move and she wasn’t giving up her career (albeit she has been in her job much less than I and I have a guaranteed position that is closer to both families.) I eventually told her that if she wasn’t willing to or knows if she wants to work through things, then it should just be ended. Sher complained that she thought she was never the girl for me, told me I had girls lined up and that I was only saying that so she would end it and look like the bag guy. So she did and said, “fine, you win. We’re done.” A girl I used to date a long time ago posted a few video links on my Facebook wall later and that angered my new ex even further. She won’t answer calls or texts. My family and friends are angry at what she did having bought the ring. Her folks are extremely confused. Did I handle this correctly or am I at fault?
pteromom Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Well, I can't say whether you are at fault or not. I mean, maybe you contribute to the arguing and lack of communication she was complaining about. But it sounds like whatever is going on with her goes beyond your relationship. She is unhappy in her life and is trying to figure out what will make her happy. If you are interested in the possibility of getting back together, keep the lines of communication open. 1
somecamel Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 First off, this is a long story. My on again, off again girlfriend of three years and I had been talking about getting married. I purchased the ring she wanted (in secret but she found out later), we looked at bands for me, looked at colors and dates. I was all set to pop the question in a couple of weeks. We are separated due to the fact that she is training for a job in California and may get a permanent position upon completion. I live in the Midwest. We had a great Valentines Day weekend and she left me a very lengthy love letter. Four days later, she explained, out of the blue that she wanted to wait to be engaged until someone moved. It totally caught me off guard. I gave her time and space for the week when she called again and said nothing in the world made her happy. She lives alone out there and has very few friends. She is lonely, depressed and questioned whether or not we’d both make each other happy in the future. She asked for space so I gave it to her. She kept texting me to tell me that her love for me hadn’t changed and that I had done nothing wrong. She just needed to find her own happiness and that someone needed to move. I am in an industry where the job market is limited; hers is wide open. She text me again yesterday morning and we got to arguing and she complained that we always fight, never communicate and a few other things. Our core values align, our families get along and marriage is what everyone expected. She couldn’t tell me how long she needed to figure out what she needed to and told me again that someone had to move and she wasn’t giving up her career (albeit she has been in her job much less than I and I have a guaranteed position that is closer to both families.) I eventually told her that if she wasn’t willing to or knows if she wants to work through things, then it should just be ended. Sher complained that she thought she was never the girl for me, told me I had girls lined up and that I was only saying that so she would end it and look like the bag guy. So she did and said, “fine, you win. We’re done.” A girl I used to date a long time ago posted a few video links on my Facebook wall later and that angered my new ex even further. She won’t answer calls or texts. My family and friends are angry at what she did having bought the ring. Her folks are extremely confused. Did I handle this correctly or am I at fault? I'm a bit confused, this girl is your on and off GF and you've separated because she's training for a job in California and you're going to propose to her when you live thousands of miles away from each other and see each other how often? I think communication and stubborness is a major flaw in your relationship, why is she in California training for a job which could become permanent when none of you have worked out how you're even going to be together if you did get married. I'm actually on her side, i think it would be stupid to propose before you'd even worked out the living arrangements.
Author BanditK Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) Originally, when we began talking about this, she wanted to get engaged and then she would move to where I live. In the peat few weeks, she seems she wants to stay and now has grave concerns. She's changed her mind like this quite a few times and it has been a roller coaster ride. We've pretty much always been long distance because we both have a bit of stubbornness to us. I am willing to communicate and learn by reading and actively listening. She hasn't shown the same willingness to either help herself or us. We had both hoped that seeing a ring on her finer might help encourage her boss to let her transfer here. Apparently that changed. My biggest worry was when I asked her if she was willing to work on our issues, she replied "I'd like to think I will." Edited March 5, 2014 by BanditK
somecamel Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Originally, when we began talking about this, she wanted to get engaged and then she would move to where I live. In the peat few weeks, she seems she wants to stay and now has grave concerns. She's changed her mind like this quite a few times and it has been a roller coaster ride. We've pretty much always been long distance because we both have a bit of stubbornness to us. I am willing to communicate and learn by reading and actively listening. She hasn't shown the same willingness to either help herself or us. We had both hoped that seeing a ring on her finer might help encourage her boss to let her transfer here. Apparently that changed. My biggest worry was when I asked her if she was willing to work on our issues, she replied "I'd like to think I will." I would imagine she's torn between her new life in California and you. I'm not from the US so not too sure on the cool places to live are:P but I'd be quite happy having the Terminator as my Guv'nor:P If you truly love her, you need to at least have a serious think about how far you're going to go for this girl. You don't seem to be completely smitten with her to the point where marriage is even an option so if you're not prepared to move with her new goals and support her maybe it's time to move on. I get that she has a more portable job but I don't think this is just about the job, I think she's liking where's she living and wants you to go as well.
Author BanditK Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I do truly love her and I even applied for jobs out there. I was a tad scared to move but would've gotten over it. My biggest worry was moving out there and then having her decide that she still wasn't happy. Does that make sense?
somecamel Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I do truly love her and I even applied for jobs out there. I was a tad scared to move but would've gotten over it. My biggest worry was moving out there and then having her decide that she still wasn't happy. Does that make sense? Of course it does. Obviously you haven't put these fears over to her? You seem to have a misconception that she's all alone in California and can't live without you because she has no friends and is all alone. Is this true? Has she told you this? If you really want to be with this girl, you need to start putting some of your fears aside, I get you, i really do but if you don't try stuff in your life you'll never know. Open up the communication lines, don't let it get to petty crap like you have a pool of women ready, that's not healthy and will only reinforce mistrust. If you love her and she loves you, you can make this work but you need to work out your compromises:)
Author BanditK Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I've told her my fears and she says' Well we'll just have to see when you get here." She repeatedly tells me she is alone and only has one friend. I'm only weary because her mood seems to be so up and down and never seems very willing to make a compromise, or at least to make one and be happy with it.
Author BanditK Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 UPDATE: She texted me a few days ago to let me know she loves me very much but sees no future. She said it appears I have already moved on and said "God Bless." I texted back to say, "no way ever?" Then quickly texted, "never mind." I ignored the three texts she sent next. Am i doing the right thing by ignoring her? it sounds harsh but this gal crushed me.
Copelandsanity Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I think you dodged a bullet on this one. The bipolar nature of your relationship doesn't bode well for a stable marriage. Hope your ring had a good return policy because diamonds don't hold any value after they're purchased.
Author BanditK Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Yup, returned the ring this weekend. Got my full price back for it. But just keep ignoring her?
pickflicker Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 UPDATE: She texted me a few days ago to let me know she loves me very much but sees no future. She said it appears I have already moved on and said "God Bless." I texted back to say, "no way ever?" Then quickly texted, "never mind." I ignored the three texts she sent next. Am i doing the right thing by ignoring her? it sounds harsh but this gal crushed me. It's not harsh. You wanted to marry her and she didn't feel the same way. Don't talk to her anymore.
somecamel Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 UPDATE: She texted me a few days ago to let me know she loves me very much but sees no future. She said it appears I have already moved on and said "God Bless." I texted back to say, "no way ever?" Then quickly texted, "never mind." I ignored the three texts she sent next. Am i doing the right thing by ignoring her? it sounds harsh but this gal crushed me. What was in the other three text messages?
Author BanditK Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 1. Nevermind what? 2. Ok then.... 3. See this is why I can never voice what I think. I was just being honest.
Mr.Pine Posted March 13, 2014 Posted March 13, 2014 UPDATE: She texted me a few days ago to let me know she loves me very much but sees no future. She said it appears I have already moved on and said "God Bless." I texted back to say, "no way ever?" Then quickly texted, "never mind." I ignored the three texts she sent next. Am i doing the right thing by ignoring her? it sounds harsh but this gal crushed me. Bandit, Before your recent update, I was ready to give you some advice on what to do with your vacillations about moving to Los Angeles. I live in Los Angeles. Trust me, bro, you do NOT want to move here sans plan and sans job. You would have driven each other nuts worrying about bills and your future and the rest of it. California is fooking expensive. Stay where you are. Now, she texted you that she's out. Actually, she's been out ever since she moved to Los Angeles. Her one friend is a dude. Trust me on that. She may call her "one" friend Roberta, but it's actually Robert. And Robert convinced her to text you it's over. Go NC. Go NC hard. Don't look back. Take the money you got back for the ring and buy something nice for yourself. Like a bottle of whiskey or a rub-n-tug. You have a long road ahead. Much luck.
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