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Question for women with a past & now in a serious relationship

johndoe13

By johndoe13
in General Relationship Discussion

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johndoe13 Member

johndoe13

Posted
Posted

Hi I have a question for women with similar situation than this (or men that were is relationships with women like this)

 

You are dumpted by your first love. Then Let's say you were into casual relationships and one nighters here and there and were considered sexually agressive by your friends (say over 20 men). You come from a poorer family but made it through school. You also had no problem dating two or three guys at same time (non committed rotation) You also feel in love quickly in the past? You like strong confident men that are leaders, secure. You are past 30 and decided to get into something serious.

 

You meet your boyfriend and he is a nice guy but insecure because of your past and because he finds it hard to trust you for some reason. He also has no past at all but is extremely sexual and thinks you did more with other men than with him. He also thinks that he wants a connection from you that he is not feeling (a girl that is crazy about you)

You have told him that in the past you were more into the manly type than emotional type, that you were more sexually agressive. You also told him that you were a flirt. When he brought that up she tells him; that was in the past can we live the present....

 

1) Why did you actually consider dating him

1a) Is you past really behind, or did you just resist because you were in a relationship.

2) Why did you fall in love with him at the end despite not being sure of him

3) Whe you had a discussion on your past did you lie about your number and why. Did you lie about what you did sexually despite him asking him to do the same thing you did with previous lovers (anal)

3) Did you end up cheating on him, how and if yes why

4) Did everything fall into place?

5) What could he have done to spice things up?

6) Any other comments...

HomanWater Established Member

HomanWater

Posted
Posted
The past is the past. Leave it there it doesn't belong in the present relationship.

 

People who are worried about their partner's past history are exhibiting their own insecurities. You did not know them before the relationship so why does it matter? If it does matter to you then why are you with her? (note: I am not speaking directly to you but in general)

 

So what if she was promiscuous before? If she's worth your time now isn't that what matters?

 

Life is too short to be an unhappy relationship if your insecurities are holding you back from fully being "in" the relationship. Don't waste another person's time if you can't handle your own insecurities. Work on them to find the root cause and find ways to alleviate it.

 

I disagree with above response. Because:

 

1) Why did you actually consider dating him

 

2) Why did you fall in love with him at the end despite not being sure of him

 

Introspection "why are you with THAT specific person and not any random one from the street?" is pretty important. If you honestly can't answer that question, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person.

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
The past is the past. Leave it there it doesn't belong in the present relationship.

 

People who are worried about their partner's past history are exhibiting their own insecurities. You did not know them before the relationship so why does it matter? If it does matter to you then why are you with her? (note: I am not speaking directly to you but in general)

 

So what if she was promiscuous before? If she's worth your time now isn't that what matters?

 

Life is too short to be an unhappy relationship if your insecurities are holding you back from fully being "in" the relationship. Don't waste another person's time if you can't handle your own insecurities. Work on them to find the root cause and find ways to alleviate it.

It's not really insecurity if it is that person's preference not to be with someone that was promiscuous. You have preferences? Are they because you are insecure?

  • Like 2
BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

Posted
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I've been there.

 

I was a virgin when I met my ex-wife. She had done anal once with a dude before she met me and because of that experience would not let me do it with her. Ever. I tried too ... as in several times but she never budged.

 

So to get over it, I went about exploring a lot of other things her previous partners never did (tantra, public sex, toy play, threesomes and more). I will caution you with this though ... I had to prepare myself for two things when I went about the process of trying to one up what I considered my competition (memories of former lovers):

1. Her saying no to my ideas.

2. Her revealing that my idea of new wasn't new to her.

 

If it wasn't for her willingness to try new things and keep our sex life interesting, I never would have gotten over the issues that you are facing.

 

Good luck in tackling them!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

If a woman who is more sexually aggressive & generally likes take charge masculine guys is dating an emo / intellectual guy, there must be something about him she likes. She could also be maturing & trying to change her ways if she was burned by bad boys in the past.

 

 

If you want to know what she wants to spice things up, ask. Buy the Joy of Sex or the Karma Sutra. Read it & make suggestions.

 

 

As for the # of past partners, don't ask. If you are given a # it will only make you crazy. As health questions & get tested but stay away from specifics.

GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
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err enough of this.

 

It's my vagina and I do whatever the hell I want with it. Whoever has a problem with this can go off themselves.

  • Like 2
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

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I disagree with above response. Because:

 

 

 

 

 

Introspection "why are you with THAT specific person and not any random one from the street?" is pretty important. If you honestly can't answer that question, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person.

 

While I agree that introspection is important, I fail to see how it is in anyway correlated to the fact the person was promiscuous before the relationship.

janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
Posted

Everyone has a past. Some people have a past of sleeping around too much. Some people have a past of being lazy. Some people have a past of drinking or partying. Some people have a past of being self-righteous and arrogant. Some people have a past of being blind to their own past (oh wait, that could be present).

 

If someone's past is too distributing, don't date them. But you don't have to be an ass about it either.

 

Sometimes it is enough that someone has changed. Sometimes it isn't. And both choices are okay.

 

Then remember to look in a really good mirror every once in awhile.

 

Like the famous facebook meme says:

 

Don't judge people for sinning differently than you do.

 

There are people who wouldn't come within ten miles of me because they wouldn't want the FWW stain to rub off. I understand. I don't feel like getting close to anyone who doesn't believe in redemption, elevates themselves by denegrating others, and acts more like the Pharisee than the tax collector.

 

So basically I don't have to worry. They don't want me, and I sure as heck don't want them. ;)

 

I don't think you should feel like you "should" be okay with someone you're not okay with.

  • Like 2
HomanWater Established Member

HomanWater

Posted
Posted
While I agree that introspection is important, I fail to see how it is in anyway correlated to the fact the person was promiscuous before the relationship.

 

It is extremely important.

 

If someone was choosing "bad guys" all their life, why change all of the sudden? What's the allure of other choice, if there's any? And if not, are you positive that old taste for badness is gone and you won't revert to old ways some time past commitments have been made?

 

All relevant questions.

janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
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What's FWW?

 

Former Wayward Wife

  • Like 1
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted
It is extremely important.

 

If someone was choosing "bad guys" all their life, why change all of the sudden? What's the allure of other choice, if there's any? And if not, are you positive that old taste for badness is gone and you won't revert to old ways some time past commitments have been made?

 

All relevant questions.

 

Because we finally had pur lesson and decided to stop dating *******s?

 

This still has nothing to do with a woman being promiscuous during her single years though....

The question is relevant- it's just not related...

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
Everyone has a past. Some people have a past of sleeping around too much. Some people have a past of being lazy. Some people have a past of drinking or partying. Some people have a past of being self-righteous and arrogant. Some people have a past of being blind to their own past (oh wait, that could be present).

 

If someone's past is too distributing, don't date them. But you don't have to be an ass about it either.

 

Sometimes it is enough that someone has changed. Sometimes it isn't. And both choices are okay.

 

Then remember to look in a really good mirror every once in awhile.

 

Like the famous facebook meme says:

 

Don't judge people for sinning differently than you do.

 

There are people who wouldn't come within ten miles of me because they wouldn't want the FWW stain to rub off. I understand. I don't feel like getting close to anyone who doesn't believe in redemption, elevates themselves by denegrating others, and acts more like the Pharisee than the tax collector.

 

So basically I don't have to worry. They don't want me, and I sure as heck don't want them. ;)

 

I don't think you should feel like you "should" be okay with someone you're not okay with.

The thing is there is this assumption that all men are going to be an ass about the revelation of a past but they are not. I know for me I wouldn't. Most men would never be an ass about someone being genuinely honest with them. They would though if they heard something about you from another person. Anybody would be an ass about people not being upfront and honest with them.

 

Would you as a person having a medical condition and needing to have surgery take a surgery without knowing all the risks involved? I mean hell you have to sign an informed consent. Everyone wants to know about the person they are dating. Hell I tell women I am with all about my past and if they don't like it then it's cool because their is someone that will love me and accept me for who I am. It says a lot about a person's character if they have to hide aspects of themselves out of fear of being "judged" or said better fear of being rejected because it's not in alignment with that person's preferences or beliefs

2.50 a gallon Established Member

2.50 a gallon

Posted
Posted

I know much of my GF of 18 years sexual past. Married for almost 20 years to a man who turned out to be an alcoholic and emotional abuser. Followed a couple of years later with a live in BF for several years. None of which mattered as she chose me.

 

Even though he divorced her, her ExH never acknowledged that she was no longer his wife and never gave up on trying to win her back. He was a drunk and used to call me and beg me to leave her. On a couple of occasions he tried to brag how he used to bang the U know what out of her. I then rubbed it in his face and thanked him for teaching her as I was now reaping the reward. That ended that.

HomanWater Established Member

HomanWater

Posted
Posted (edited)
Because we finally had pur lesson and decided to stop dating *******s?

 

This still has nothing to do with a woman being promiscuous during her single years though....

The question is relevant- it's just not related...

 

That's convenient explanation, but not always real one.

 

How is the guy to know woman's taste in men has changed? Maybe he is only settled for and taste for promiscuity persists?

 

I'd advise to keep one's eyes open wide.

 

Remember, dating or being with anyone isn't obligatory, past is just as valid reason not to as any other. And if you find yourself questioning someone's motivation to get into relationship with you, you might be better off without them.

Edited by HomanWater
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