Boyfriend hates PDAs and this hurts sometimes?

[TXGuy]

 

Is there anything I can do to make him be more accepting of PDAs? eg Tone down the kissing in private until he is more comfortable with kissing in public?

 

Yes, using sex as a weapon might resolve the issue with finality. That is a good way to end the relationship. Then you can move on to someone who shares your views on PDA.

[Keenly]

I'm reading that you think its not fair and maybe a little selfish of him to feel this way...

 

 

Yet when you look at it the other way... he was up front about how he feels and how he operates with you, and now you want to change him so you look good in front of your friends?

 

 

Don't try to change people just because they aren't like you. Obviously you like this guy, so you need to take him as he comes. Boyfriends are not cars, where once you have them you get to start customizing them for your liking.

[Shepp]

When I was with my ex-girlfriend I'd kiss her in public, hold her hand, etc.

Not to show off to anyone else, just because I loved her and wanted to do so. I had nothing to be ashamed of.

If I had a girlfriend who never wanted to be seen to be affectionate towards me, and only was so behind closed doors, I'd wonder whether she was embarassed by or ashamed of being with me.

 

A) there's a difference between public and in a small group of friends, with the latter being more impolite or at least inconsiderate.

 

and B) Good for you, whatever floats your boat - i didn't tell you what to do, i just said the first thing that pops into my mind when i see it.

I equally didn't say there was anything wrong with holding her hand or a quick kiss here and there. I still continue to question the motive of couples who can't keep there tongues out of each others mouths for 3mins in public....maybe its just me but when i love someone i actually want to hear what they've got to say sometimes! And the couples i know like that - none of them lasted more than a few months.

 

 

Anyway the "you only don't go OTT on PDA if your ashamed" is just bull, I'm living proof - I'd write in the sky that I finally got the girl if I had an aeroplane! I just don't feel the need to make my friends feel awkward!

[Sweeetie]

So are you saying he is touchy feely when you are dressed up sexy in public and turns his head when you are wearing jeans - also in public?

 

Yes, in public. I notice that he does put his arm around me a little more when he sees I have a really nice dress on, as if he feels more proud to show people I'm his girl

 

 

Okay, that is a fair cause for concern, IMO. If he were truly principally against PDA then it wouldn't vary depending on how dressed up you are.

 

Have you talked to him about this (why PDA is only okay if you're all dolled up)?

 

I've spoken to him about the PDA thing but I haven't specifically asked him why there's a discrepancy in his PDA between me being dolled up and me dressing 'smart casually' (as on a normal date), you're right I should ask him about this.

 

 

 

Last night my boyfriend and I went for a few drinks with two friends; one of his best friends and one of my girl friends. At first it was just me and my boyfriend because the other two were late. While I was talking to him about my day he had his arm around me, but as soon as his best friend showed up (my girl friend came even later) he recoiled it immediately and at once took on a new 'uninterested guy' position a little away from me as if to look manley in front of his friend. I felt this to be quite rude, but I didn't tell him. Especially since I spoke to him about this again yesterday before the evening plans. I just don't think he understands how it makes me feel.

[Emilia]

Yes, in public. I notice that he does put his arm around me a little more when he sees I have a really nice dress on, as if he feels more proud to show people I'm his girl

It's about showing you off as Shepp said. It's for other people, not an expression of what he feels about you. Men do this, it's just a form of posturing, wouldn't read too much into it.

Last night my boyfriend and I went for a few drinks with two friends; one of his best friends and one of my girl friends. At first it was just me and my boyfriend because the other two were late. While I was talking to him about my day he had his arm around me, but as soon as his best friend showed up (my girl friend came even later) he recoiled it immediately and at once took on a new 'uninterested guy' position a little away from me as if to look manley in front of his friend. I felt this to be quite rude, but I didn't tell him. Especially since I spoke to him about this again yesterday before the evening plans. I just don't think he understands how it makes me feel.

How old is he?

[Els]

Yes, in public. I notice that he does put his arm around me a little more when he sees I have a really nice dress on, as if he feels more proud to show people I'm his girl

 

 

 

 

I've spoken to him about the PDA thing but I haven't specifically asked him why there's a discrepancy in his PDA between me being dolled up and me dressing 'smart casually' (as on a normal date), you're right I should ask him about this.

 

 

 

Last night my boyfriend and I went for a few drinks with two friends; one of his best friends and one of my girl friends. At first it was just me and my boyfriend because the other two were late. While I was talking to him about my day he had his arm around me, but as soon as his best friend showed up (my girl friend came even later) he recoiled it immediately and at once took on a new 'uninterested guy' position a little away from me as if to look manley in front of his friend. I felt this to be quite rude, but I didn't tell him. Especially since I spoke to him about this again yesterday before the evening plans. I just don't think he understands how it makes me feel.

 

Arm around you definitely doesn't count as explicit PDA in my book, so I understand you feeling slighted by that especially if he recoiled as soon as his friend arrived. Have another talk, and bring up the dress issue. If he isn't interested in trying to work out a compromise, probably best to reconsider the whole thing.

[Chocolat]

Last night my boyfriend and I went for a few drinks with two friends; one of his best friends and one of my girl friends. At first it was just me and my boyfriend because the other two were late. While I was talking to him about my day he had his arm around me, but as soon as his best friend showed up (my girl friend came even later) he recoiled it immediately and at once took on a new 'uninterested guy' position a little away from me as if to look manley in front of his friend. I felt this to be quite rude, but I didn't tell him. Especially since I spoke to him about this again yesterday before the evening plans. I just don't think he understands how it makes me feel.

 

Hmmm... I'm still not sure I'm seeing a problem. If I'm out with my guy and it's just the two of us, I am leaning in toward him, touching his shoulder or his thigh, (not in an OTT PDA, but naturally), etc. If someone else were to join us, I would change body language to include that person. I hate it when I feel as though I am the third wheel in someone else's night, so I try hard not to make others feel that way. In addition, everyone knows that I am with my guy, so I don't need to demonstrate it.

 

Honestly, from what you've written, I can't tell if there is an actual problem here or if you are overly sensitive.

[Sweeetie]

It's about showing you off as Shepp said. It's for other people, not an expression of what he feels about you. Men do this, it's just a form of posturing, wouldn't read too much into it.

 

How old is he?

 

Yes but if it is a show-off thing that men like to do, it makes me feel like my boyfriend doesn't think of me as much of a catch. I've often felt insecure about my appearance for the time I've been with him so far. He's 23 years old, and I'm 24.

 

Arm around you definitely doesn't count as explicit PDA in my book, so I understand you feeling slighted by that especially if he recoiled as soon as his friend arrived. Have another talk, and bring up the dress issue. If he isn't interested in trying to work out a compromise, probably best to reconsider the whole thing.

 

Thanks, I will talk to him about it tomorrow when I see him. It was as though he was putting his friend first over me; not caring about being rude to me as he immediately recoiled his arm and instead caring more about his friend- even though as you correctly say he was not being that overtly affectionate to me to feel embarrassed about it. I know that if it had been me going to join his friend and his girlfriend, or him going to join them, his friend would not have just recoiled from his girlfriend like that. My boyfriend even moved away from me after recoiling his arm which was the icing on the cake. This is why I feel increasingly more like withdrawing private affection- if he recoils from it so rapidly when his friend is there, it makes me feel less like he deserves it from me. A bit like a child with a doll; play with her when you want to, put her down and ignore her at the drop of a hat.

 

However, another point I should bring in here is that as the night drew on and we had a few drinks and the hours drew by, he was starting to get more affectionate with me by holding my hand and giving me the occasional kiss, which is what I was happy with. It was just the four of us; me, him, his friend and my girl friend.

Edited March 6, 2014 by Sweeetie

[kaylan]

Honestly, it annoys/amuses me when couples do entire makeout sessions in public, so I suppose I am a bit of a prude, like your boyfriend. I'd consider hand-holding, arm around shoulders/waist, hugs, normal... but full-on kissing? Ech. On the other hand, him going so far as to move his head away from a peck on the cheek does sound rather extreme...

 

I think this is just one of those incompatibilities that you either deal with, or decide you'd rather not deal with and seek someone compatible.

Agree. I do quick mouth kisses, but I havent done full on public makeouts since I was 18 or 19. You just kind of mature and realize its not something you really need to do in many settings.

 

Like this couple at the gym the other day (maybe 19 to 22 years old) were holding hands near the front desk, and then full on tongue kissed each other for a couple seconds. I mean really? Why do that at the gym's front desk?

 

I dont mind PDA, but it depends on the settings. In the middle of a park? Sure. In line at the store? Nah, tone it down.

[man_in_the_box]

In complete public scenes I'm not to annoyed by small PDA's (holding hands, kiss on cheek, arm on shoulder) and we'll occasionally do those. However in a rather private setting with friends I'd say it's highly inappropriate and frankly ****ing annoying. I can perfectly understand your bf for not doing it in that situation and if my friends would have been all over each other then I'd think again before having an evening together. Get a friggin room and don't waste our time if you're so eager to be all over each other.

[Leigh 87]

hmm I am guilty of, occasionally, having a kiss session while we are waiting to cross the road at the traffic nights.

 

Never in front of friends though, besides from one time, just after we first met, we went out with friends and we did make out a fair bit at a club.

 

Since then though we don't make out in front of others as we think it is totally rude to just suck each others face off in public; we just couldn't help it in those first 3 weeks of meeting:love:

 

What I do need? I don't know about you, but I like the guy to want to hold my hand a lot of the time and to cuddle me in public.

[Els]

 

Thanks, I will talk to him about it tomorrow when I see him. It was as though he was putting his friend first over me; not caring about being rude to me as he immediately recoiled his arm and instead caring more about his friend- even though as you correctly say he was not being that overtly affectionate to me to feel embarrassed about it. I know that if it had been me going to join his friend and his girlfriend, or him going to join them, his friend would not have just recoiled from his girlfriend like that. My boyfriend even moved away from me after recoiling his arm which was the icing on the cake. This is why I feel increasingly more like withdrawing private affection- if he recoils from it so rapidly when his friend is there, it makes me feel less like he deserves it from me. A bit like a child with a doll; play with her when you want to, put her down and ignore her at the drop of a hat.

 

I think you should frame your talk in a more general sense ("Why do you say you are against PDA in principle, but I feel that it fluctuates depending on how I am dressed?") rather than about that specific event. You will likely get more enlightening answers that way, rather than hashing out one event that he may or may not remember and may not even be thinking about when it happened.

[preraph]

You're not having to pressure him to get him to take you out in public and around his friends are you? Because that would mean he isn't planning on keeping you, probably. But if he isn't hesitant about taking you around friends and family, then he just doesn't like PDA's and you shouldn't force it. But if you can't live that way, then leave him. At least he holds your hand in front of his friends so they at least know you're dating....

[Sweeetie]

You're not having to pressure him to get him to take you out in public and around his friends are you? Because that would mean he isn't planning on keeping you, probably. But if he isn't hesitant about taking you around friends and family, then he just doesn't like PDA's and you shouldn't force it. But if you can't live that way, then leave him. At least he holds your hand in front of his friends so they at least know you're dating....

 

Oh not at all, he's planning on taking me to his home country this summer to meet his family and all his friends know we are together. I know he does love me, he just has an extreme dislike of PDAs.

 

Another thing that I should mention here is that he hates taking pictures with me. Whenever I have tried to take one of both of us he either makes a funny face or just looks away from the camera. This weekend, we went on an outing with some male friends (I was the only girl) to a beautiful wild forest. At one point, one of his friends wanted to take a picture of the two of us with the awesome scenery in the background. He asked us to hold hands for the picture. It would have turned out to be a great picture, except my boyfriend was looking in completely the other direction, as if we were not even dating. This ruined the picture completely. It's a shame because pictures are special and one can frame them and look back on memories.

 

It just seems that me and my boyfriend have such different ways of looking at things, I don't know if we are compatible in the long term.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Emilia]

Oh not at all, he's planning on taking me to his home country this summer to meet his family and all his friends know we are together. I know he does love me, he just has an extreme dislike of PDAs.

 

Another thing that I should mention here is that he hates taking pictures with me. Whenever I have tried to take one of both of us he either makes a funny face or just looks away from the camera. This weekend, we went on an outing with some male friends (I was the only girl) to a beautiful wild forest. At one point, one of his friends wanted to take a picture of the two of us with the awesome scenery in the background. He asked us to hold hands for the picture. It would have turned out to be a great picture, except my boyfriend was looking in completely the other direction, as if we were not even dating. This ruined the picture completely. It's a shame because pictures are special and one can frame them and look back on memories.

 

It just seems that me and my boyfriend have such different ways of looking at things, I don't know if we are compatible in the long term.

You have very different values. We often see Westerners as quite weak with their constant need for reassurance and validation. What you describe above is exactly that, it wouldn't be my thing either.

[Sweeetie]

You have very different values. We often see Westerners as quite weak with their constant need for reassurance and validation. What you describe above is exactly that, it wouldn't be my thing either.

 

The picture thing is not for validation as such but something that one can frame and look back on as the years go past. I don't think that flicking back through picture albums and remembering good times is something that different cultures differ on. And I am not English myself, my parents are from Asia.