OhhIsabella Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I know that relationships are up to yourself to continue or discontinue. However, sometimes you need a third party perspective to tell/show you things you can't/won't see. That's what I'm asking for. Here is some history, because without knowing the full story you can't judge the situation. I am 20 and he is 21. We were set up by a mutual friend who thought we'd be perfect for each other. Our mutual friend and I both drove to his place to meet his friend and him. We clicked right away and by the end of the double date I drove our mutual friend back to our town and he asked if I would come back. I agreed to. We were in the couch watching movies when I got back, when a knock on the door interrupted. It was his landlord asking for rent which he didn't have. He came back in embarrassed and began to tear up and apologize. I felt awful knowing the feeling and gave him 320 for his rent. He declined and I insisted. Just trying to be nice. When we got back he hugged me and thanked me. That same night he asked if I'd be his girlfriend. I agreed, feeling that he was a pit together guy who just had a rough month and just started a new job. Within that week I never left him. I spent the night and would go to work the next day. And come back straight after. He eventually asked me to move in at the end of that week. I had met his parents in this week as well for his brothers birthday party. Two weeks total of dating we had sex as well. So basically a lot of life decisions made in two weeks time. We had both been single for a few years before. He called me one day coming back from work and said he had bad news. The job he had just gotten had fired him because the supervisor got him wearing his nose ring. I was furious because some places are common sense to not wear facial piercings. But I decided to work through it because relationships take work. In the middle of the night soon after there was a knock on the door and I was woken up to be told that his vehicle was being seized for lack of payments made. At the time my car needed a new tire and I was using his to drive to work. Needless to say I lost my job because I couldn't make it to work. During our job search I diligently searched and he sat at home playing video games until I snapped and confronted him on his lack of effort. We eventually got factory jobs and he still has his while I recently was laid off over high labor. Two months in our relationship flipped. The charming out together guy was now anything but. While I worked, I would come home, cook and clean for him. If we needed laundry done I had to either go by myself or beg him to get up before it closed. He turned into an extremely lazy person. No more trying, we barely have sex. It's like we've been married for 10 unhappy years and it's only been six months. I got my mustang fixed and since I'm laid off he has drove it however he wants. Announced he was gonna pick up a friend for work without asking or letting me know ahead of time. Dirtied the inside with mud and material from work. When I asked him to take precautions so it stays cleaner he said "it's a pain in the ass" He never cleans, and once told me that he works so he shouldn't have to do dishes. He's also very selfish in little ways. He would say he's gonna get a pack of cigarettes we both liked to share before work. Instead he left early, got the menthol cigarettes he preference and traded a guy at work for 5 non menthol for me but kept the rest for himself. Cigarettes don't matter but it's the fact that I didn't matter in the equation. He also told my brother that when I get my 18,000 settlement check that "we would be set. We could pay off our debt, he could get a car again. Etc" So I confronted him about this all a few days ago. He admitted to everything I pointed out. He said he would change and it was his choice. Because he didn't want to lose me. However the next day he hurt me again. I made a joke to him and he got upset. When I asked why he said "I just feel like I have to now down to you now." He has been considerate and changed for three days so far and I know it takes time. However, my parents think I'm being used and should take their offer. I got a desk job I really wanted last week. My mom has offered for me to move back in, work my desk job, enroll in cosmetology school like ive dreamed and just help out with groceries. Should I keep making things work with this guy or take this oppurtunity without him and set up my future while I'm young? I do live him, and I'd feel bad leaving but I can't afford to keep going chances. When I shouldn't haver had to ask my boyfriend to care about me. He just should. I'm sorry this was so lengthy. And any advice would be extremely appreciated.
somecamel Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I would love to tell you to stay with him and work through your issues but in all seriousness this guy is no good for you. Your still young, move back in with your parents, go to college and do something with your life. I suspect he has already spent in his head the 18k compo your getting. 1
Conners Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I'm sorry if I come across as rude but.. WOW You gave him $300 the FIRST NIGHT YOU MET HIM??!?! Did he even pay you back? I think you rushed into this relationship WAYY to quickly.. moved in together by two weeks.. you hardly knew each other. You were also cooking and cleaning for him within a month.. are you sure he just didn't make you his girlfriend so you could look after him... because that's what it looks like. He's a deadbeat and I think you should leave him to be honest. Next time don't rush into a relationship so quickly and make yourself look so desperate and available by giving him money and cooking and cleaning for him. It's probably the only reason he keeps you around. 1
Author OhhIsabella Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 No, I appreciate any blunt, in your face advice. And he never paid me back per say, but he buys groceries and cigarettes for me while I am laid off for the past month. If that even comes close to an equivalent. And thank you both for replying.
Candice Luna Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I agree with the other posters that you really should take your parents offer and move back in with them. You'll be relieved you made that choice, in time Best of luck with the new job and going to school.
frigginlost Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I know that relationships are up to yourself to continue or discontinue. However, sometimes you need a third party perspective to tell/show you things you can't/won't see. That's what I'm asking for. Here is some history, because without knowing the full story you can't judge the situation. I am 20 and he is 21. We were set up by a mutual friend who thought we'd be perfect for each other. Our mutual friend and I both drove to his place to meet his friend and him. We clicked right away and by the end of the double date I drove our mutual friend back to our town and he asked if I would come back. I agreed to. We were in the couch watching movies when I got back, when a knock on the door interrupted. It was his landlord asking for rent which he didn't have. He came back in embarrassed and began to tear up and apologize. I felt awful knowing the feeling and gave him 320 for his rent. He declined and I insisted. Just trying to be nice. When we got back he hugged me and thanked me. That same night he asked if I'd be his girlfriend. I agreed, feeling that he was a pit together guy who just had a rough month and just started a new job. Within that week I never left him. I spent the night and would go to work the next day. And come back straight after. He eventually asked me to move in at the end of that week. I had met his parents in this week as well for his brothers birthday party. Two weeks total of dating we had sex as well. So basically a lot of life decisions made in two weeks time. We had both been single for a few years before. He called me one day coming back from work and said he had bad news. The job he had just gotten had fired him because the supervisor got him wearing his nose ring. I was furious because some places are common sense to not wear facial piercings. But I decided to work through it because relationships take work. In the middle of the night soon after there was a knock on the door and I was woken up to be told that his vehicle was being seized for lack of payments made. At the time my car needed a new tire and I was using his to drive to work. Needless to say I lost my job because I couldn't make it to work. During our job search I diligently searched and he sat at home playing video games until I snapped and confronted him on his lack of effort. We eventually got factory jobs and he still has his while I recently was laid off over high labor. Two months in our relationship flipped. The charming out together guy was now anything but. While I worked, I would come home, cook and clean for him. If we needed laundry done I had to either go by myself or beg him to get up before it closed. He turned into an extremely lazy person. No more trying, we barely have sex. It's like we've been married for 10 unhappy years and it's only been six months. I got my mustang fixed and since I'm laid off he has drove it however he wants. Announced he was gonna pick up a friend for work without asking or letting me know ahead of time. Dirtied the inside with mud and material from work. When I asked him to take precautions so it stays cleaner he said "it's a pain in the ass" He never cleans, and once told me that he works so he shouldn't have to do dishes. He's also very selfish in little ways. He would say he's gonna get a pack of cigarettes we both liked to share before work. Instead he left early, got the menthol cigarettes he preference and traded a guy at work for 5 non menthol for me but kept the rest for himself. Cigarettes don't matter but it's the fact that I didn't matter in the equation. He also told my brother that when I get my 18,000 settlement check that "we would be set. We could pay off our debt, he could get a car again. Etc" So I confronted him about this all a few days ago. He admitted to everything I pointed out. He said he would change and it was his choice. Because he didn't want to lose me. However the next day he hurt me again. I made a joke to him and he got upset. When I asked why he said "I just feel like I have to now down to you now." He has been considerate and changed for three days so far and I know it takes time. However, my parents think I'm being used and should take their offer. I got a desk job I really wanted last week. My mom has offered for me to move back in, work my desk job, enroll in cosmetology school like ive dreamed and just help out with groceries. Should I keep making things work with this guy or take this oppurtunity without him and set up my future while I'm young? I do live him, and I'd feel bad leaving but I can't afford to keep going chances. When I shouldn't haver had to ask my boyfriend to care about me. He just should. I'm sorry this was so lengthy. And any advice would be extremely appreciated. As a guy --- RUN! Cut him off totally. Move forward with you and you alone. If he's a man with a hint of decency, he will understand and make changes through actions and actions alone to himself.
Zahara Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 No, I appreciate any blunt, in your face advice. And he never paid me back per say, but he buys groceries and cigarettes for me while I am laid off for the past month. If that even comes close to an equivalent. And thank you both for replying. Of course, he's gotta eat too and smoke. Let's try not to set the bar so low. You gave him $300 the first night you met him. Then everything happened at lightning speed and he wanted you to move in. Then you lose your job because he can't pay his bills. Seriously, I think he was looking for you to support him. When you gave him rent money on the first night of meeting him, his radar went up. Get out of this relationship. Go back to your moms and start over. You made bad choices. You should not be taking care of a grown man.
Poppyolive Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Toxic, we have an abuser on our hands....abuser I say maybe even a sociopath!...read up on abusive relationships... Warning signs.....promises change...does it again next day....this guy has no consequences for his actions and you are allowing him. It will become a vicious cycle and you'll be with down. Run no before you invest anymore.... Do yourself a favor & do lots of reading up.
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