Slept with him on the third date,and now he's dissapeared?

[newmoon]

Your opinion is worth squat. I've been in several long term relationships and a 10 year marriage. I also have common sense and the number of dates you've been on DOES NOT guarantee a relationship nor equate to the length of time a relationship will last. If you think the # of dates you go on before having sex with someone is going to be the deciding factor then you are clueless on how real human interaction works. PERIOD.

 

Oh, and the women that share your opinion are the same ones crying they were used because they went on TEN dates and he disappeared after the deed was done.

 

 

 

there is no magic number of dates, of course not. but 2? or 3? you aren't giving yourself enough of a chance to know the person and whether they will run off. waiting doesn't guarantee a guy will stick around either, but it at least guarantees you'll have more of a chance to judge whether he will run right off after sex.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

there is no magic number of dates, of course not. but 2? or 3? you aren't giving yourself enough of a chance to know the person and whether they will run off. waiting doesn't guarantee a guy will stick around either, but it at least guarantees you'll have more of a chance to judge whether he will run right off after sex.

 

That's just it. I don't use sex as a guarantee. My vagina is not a prize given in exchange for a promise, and that's where so many women go wrong. I have sex because I WANT to. Because I like someone, because I'm attracted to them. Whatever. I don't feel shame or guilt afterwards because it's not something I was "convinced" to do. I'm secure in who I am and what I want and the decisions I make are mine.

 

Just to add to my point. Once, after coming out of bad relationship, I approached a male friend with a FWB offer. Didn't want to be in a relationship, just wanted to focus on school and work, and he seemed a nice enough guy. He accepted and less than 6 months later he proposed to me. We were married for 10 years. Add that to your generalization.

[BC1980]

We were married for 10 years. Add that to your generalization.

 

Your situations are specific. In general, it's probably best to wait for sex if you want a relationship out of a man. Of course, there are exceptions to the general rule, as you have given us. I could give you some of my experiences that apply to the general rule. I'm sure that if we took the collective, sum total of experiences, it's not that uncommon for a man to bolt if you give up the good too early. I can't tell you how many threads I have seen on LS with this same problem, and the OP is confused. It's not rocket science; this is like dating 101.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Your situations are specific. In general, it's probably best to wait for sex if you want a relationship out of a man. Of course, there are exceptions to the general rule, as you have given us. I could give you some of my experiences that apply to the general rule. I'm sure that if we took the collective, sum total of experiences, it's not that uncommon for a man to bolt if you give up the good too early. I can't tell you how many threads I have seen on LS with this same problem, and the OP is confused. It's not rocket science; this is like dating 101.

 

But that's what I'm saying in where the confusion sets in. A man is going to want to have sex with you regardless. It's not the amount of time you wait to have sex with him that determines whether or not he sticks around. It's who you are as a person (physically & intellectually) and how much that appeals to him in a relationship scenario. Dangling the "I don't want to have sex with you unless we are in a committed relationship" is not going to persuade him to commit. All it's going to do is make him try harder to convince you to have sex with him. If a man bolts, its not because you had sex with him too soon, it's because he didn't see you as someone he wanted to be in a relationship with. Sex? Yes. Relationship? No.

[Simon Phoenix]

It doesn't matter if you wait for sex or if you don't wait for sex. A man's opinion of you is cemented at the moment you have sex no matter if it's the first date or the 10th date. If a man wants a long-term relationship with you, he'll up the pursuit after sex is had for the first time. If a man wants you as a FWB or a non-longterm relationship, he'll just do whatever he needs to do to keep you around as an option. If he wants to "hit it and quit it", then you'll get what happens to the OP.

 

As for the second part of this thread, using your vagina as a prize you would win on a game show is lame. If you want to have sex early, do it. If you don't, don't. But don't try to use sex as a way to keep a guy hostage. You should never use sex to try to "hook" a guy -- you use sex to have sex. If you want it, awesome, do it and don't feel the least bit bad about it. If you aren't ready for it, don't do it. A guy who truly values you will stick with you after sex and will be willing to go slow if that's what you desire.

[Raena]

I don't think there is some magic number of how many dates before it is appropriate to become intimate. You do it when it feels right for both of you.

 

But to have sex after spending 6 weeks talking nonstop with 3 dates and then go radio silent is just wrong. I'd be upset too.

[BC1980]

I don't think there is some magic number of how many dates before it is appropriate to become intimate. You do it when it feels right for both of you.

 

But to have sex after spending 6 weeks talking nonstop with 3 dates and then go radio silent is just wrong. I'd be upset too.

 

Oh I totally agree that it's sh@t behavior, but I'm not surprised. This isn't a new story by any means. That's why you protect yourself by not over investing too early, and women typically get more attached with sex than men. It's just smarter to wait unless you know you can handle it.

[SammySammy]

I don't think the OP was used for sex nor do I think the timing of the sex had anything to do with him withdrawing. In my opinion, what this guy is running from is the expectation of a relationship.

 

It seems that both of them are on the rebound from other relationships and he may just not be ready for that level of commitment at this time. He's dealing with it in a very cowardly manner. I think he's doing the OP a favor by behaving this way.

 

Also, I don't believe the OP is "easy" or made the wrong decision by having sex with him on the third date. This idea that waiting until after an arbitrary number of dates to have sex will increase the likelihood of a successful relationship is silly. It's just not true.

 

Of the long-term relationships I've had, I had sex with a couple on the first date and others I knew for a while before we had sex. The timing of the sex had absolutely NOTHING to do with me deciding to have a relationship with those women NOR did it have anything to do with how much I respected them.

[Iguanna]

The reason I wouldn't have sex with someone too soon would not be cause I wanted him to take me seriously (that too, but this comes second). The reason would be that I would want a lot of time to understand if we are good together, if our morals and opinions for life match, if our dreams are similar, if we can be happy together. I sure need more than 3 dates to figure out all these things. To actually have sex with someone that I want to have a serious relationship with I must have understood by that time that he is interested in an exclusive relationship that will most probably last. I'm not that crazy to have sex, a month earlier or later won't make any difference in that department, but a month earlier or later WILL make a difference in getting to truly know him and know his intentions. Of course there is always the chance that he will be a great actor and just telling me what I want to hear for a long time and then ditch me. But I'm 99% sure that I have the ability to make him show his true colors, one way or another. I've never found myself being in a complete shock about why some man disappeared, the clues were always there, the only thing I should do was read them right. What I'd advise women that date a seemingly good guy would be to just wait for the sex a month more than they intended. It's a win - win situation if you do, cause 1. you get to know this man's intentions better, 2. you eliminate all possibility to be considered easy.

[Secret Advisor]

Seen this one a million times especially with OLD. Guys almost always disappear after having sex. Best approach is not to pursue them. They will likely be back.

[somedude81]

All of these problems would be solved just by waiting till an actual relationship has formed before you have sex.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

The reason I wouldn't have sex with someone too soon would not be cause I wanted him to take me seriously (that too, but this comes second). The reason would be that I would want a lot of time to understand if we are good together, if our morals and opinions for life match, if our dreams are similar, if we can be happy together. I sure need more than 3 dates to figure out all these things. To actually have sex with someone that I want to have a serious relationship with I must have understood by that time that he is interested in an exclusive relationship that will most probably last. I'm not that crazy to have sex, a month earlier or later won't make any difference in that department, but a month earlier or later WILL make a difference in getting to truly know him and know his intentions. Of course there is always the chance that he will be a great actor and just telling me what I want to hear for a long time and then ditch me. But I'm 99% sure that I have the ability to make him show his true colors, one way or another. I've never found myself being in a complete shock about why some man disappeared, the clues were always there, the only thing I should do was read them right. What I'd advise women that date a seemingly good guy would be to just wait for the sex a month more than they intended. It's a win - win situation if you do, cause 1. you get to know this man's intentions better, 2. you eliminate all possibility to be considered easy.

 

I think this is a good standpoint to have if this is the perspective you're coming from. I live in a different mindset. Like I said earlier, I've spent a good deal of my life around males. I've spent a lot of time talking to them on personal levels and maybe I just view them differently then the average female. To me, it is ABSOLUTELY clear when a man is fully into you. I've never had to have a "commitment" or "relationship" discussion. They always made it very clear where they wanted to be, if it was a relationship. The men whose intentions I had to question were the ones that got exactly what they dished out. No emotional investment from me. Maybe they'd hear from me, maybe not. Sex is usually not even a consideration for these types, so no need to place a timeline. If it was a consideration, it would be without any expectations whatsoever, and these were at times when a relationship just wasn't what I was looking for.

 

My guy was very honest and open with me from the first time we chatted, and we talked about EVERYTHING. The connection was almost instant. He would pause in the shower to dry his hands and answer my texts. He was an absolute gentleman on the first date and was afraid to even try to kiss me because he didn't want to mess it up. I couldn't take it, I eventually had to kiss him first. At one point, I ran my hand across his cheek because I wanted to feel his beard, and he just closed his eyes like it was the best feeling in the world. The day after our first date he texted me, "I can still smell you on my jacket and it makes me happy." CLEAR signs.

 

THIS is why I had sex with him on the 2nd date. When all else checks out this good, then I have to know if we are sexually compatible. I just can't see myself spending 2-3 months emotionally investing myself in someone I do not have a physical connection with. I am one that believes the physical connection is just as important as the emotional connection and when either one is missing, the relationship is bound to fizzle. He turned out to be so dead on my physical match that it's almost scary. Great sex is one thing. Feeling a strong connection with someone is another. But when you have both equally? It is the best. thing. ever.

[robaday]

I dated a girl who did not have sex with me for the first month and a half - we slept in the same bed at least six times. To be honest, I gave up, I just thought she wasnt into me or some game was being played - this whole holding off to guauge if hes serious can really backfire because I was into her. And I later found out she was into me.

 

Fully respectful of women who want to wait. But no guy wants to be in the friend zone either and thats often how it seems if someone is holding off for a long time.

 

To the op - Im sorry this happened to you. But waiting longer with this guy may have had exactly the same effect, just further down the line. You have no way of knowing what his intentions were

[Iguanna]

At one point, I ran my hand across his cheek because I wanted to feel his beard, and he just closed his eyes like it was the best feeling in the world. The day after our first date he texted me, "I can still smell you on my jacket and it makes me happy." CLEAR signs.

 

You say "clear signs" and I do agree, but do you know how many guys act and pretend to have fallen in love with a woman and be crazy about her only to get her in bed and then they lose interest or disappear? What do you think happened to the OP? For 6 weeks he was showing "clear signs" and then he ditched her. In your story the ending was good, but there are many stories where men say whatever is needed in order to have sex with a woman. If these clear signs were that easy to be translated and if we could tell if they are real or not, there wouldn't be heartbroken women who are left not knowing what happened...

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

This is why I said in my original post that I thought there was a disconnect in the sex part of the relationship and he should've had the decency to tell her that something didn't click. She describes that it seems he was into her, but without more info, I'm not really sure. They kissed, held hands, and cuddled on the couch. They talked on the phone every night, but what was being said? Did he express a desire to be with her? She spent 6 weeks becoming emotionally invested before the physical took place. She said the experience seemed good, but who knows what he was thinking? I don't invest myself too much emotionally until I know that side of the relationship is equally good. If things had not played out physically with my guy, I would have been disappointed, yes, but not heartbroken, and if the connection is not there, I am equally as risky for backing out.

 

I feel for the OP, but I think she is better off. He was not a gentleman after all.