Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating

[Buckeye2]

To answer some of the posts: my wife does blame herself, it's me who blames her friend (as well). This was probably part of my coping mechanism all of those years ago. Also, she has not fought or questioned my judgement when I told her I was not ok with her resuming any contact with the friend. It should've noted that I did have to make those statements more than once -- for example she brought up some current info about the friend ( she had googled her) but I repeated my position with no argument from my wife.

 

I'm guessing that my "rug sweep" of all of this was so effective my wife didn't think I had any problem with her friend (prior to me stating so).

 

This is the problem. The OP thinks that the “friend” should be in the same file in his wife’s brain as the OM. When his wife casually brings up the “friend” she might as well be mentioning the OM.

 

It would be like saying: I Googled the OM and guess what? He’s married and has three kids. I’ve always wondered what happened to him. The wife doesn’t understand this and the OP needs to tell her.

[Fer_jo]

I think there's truth in the last few posts. In my prior rug sweep I did place significant blame on her friend, and yes, when she brought up the friend it may as well have been the OM she was talking about.

 

I'm really trying for solutions that avoid me bringing this all up again in a manner that is destructive to my wife and children. I realize now I did NOT effectively process/deal with this originally back when it occurred. I am beginning to worry that I may never truly FORGIVE her for what happened whether I let that be known or keep it within my own mind or thoughts. I am innately aware that this is not the healthiest mental fix for my own well-being.

 

I should also mention that there is some therapeutic value to just being able to get all of this out and discuss it with all of you since I don't have this opportunity in my life (ie: no one to discuss this with objectively without consequences).

[drifter777]

OP...do you really Need to hear the details of an indiscretion that happened over 20 years ago? Will it make you feel better? I think not.

The thing about getting all of the nitty-gritty details from your WW is that it is her way to show that she is being open and honest about the whole thing. It's a show of good faith. And as strange as it may seem to a non-BH, hearing the details, even the raunchy ones, can be extremely helpful in mitigating the horrible mind-movies that BH's are tortured by. Every nasty detail that is hidden from the BH is filled in by his imagination with sexual details that are far dirtier than reality. At least most of the time.

 

Open, honest, transparency are the key words for WW to show her BH as he tries to work through her cheating.

 

The woman you are happily married to is not the young and foolish girl that betrayed your trust and that you supposedly forgave a long time ago. She is obviously still ashamed about that indiscretion...do you need to continue to shame her?

The images that haunt you now are nothing more than your own insecurities...put those images out of your head! They are not reality! Replace those images with the wonderful memories of your marriage...and seek IC if you need help...this is Your issue...

You do not understand what it is like to be a BH suffering from the images of his wife staring in a porno with some other guy. If you did you would know how ridicules it is to say "put those images out of your head" because "they are not reality" and "replace them with wonderful memories". First off, if it were that easy don't you think he would do this? There are methods and work a BH can do to help him get through these images and, eventually, take away their power over his thoughts but they take hard work and they take time.

 

And forget that friend...that friend had nothing to do with any of this...she was just a sorry excuse for an unfortunate situation that your wife got herself into...

Very well put. OP shouldn't waste his emotional energy on the wrong person and this so-called friend is the wrong person. His wife has full responsibility for what she did.

[onemanband]

Just look at the family you to built any triggers think of the great time u and you soulmate have had. Your mind is your instrument learn to be its master not its slave

[Fer_jo]

So, I was RE-reading this and realized I had a few things incorrectly stated.

1.) She admitted to Oral and then denied it afterwards, stating they only “made out”.

2.) Several years afterwards when we were formally engaged but living together, the same guy called our home asking for her. I had answered the phone and when he identified himself I told him who I was (his classmate) and that we were engaged. He promptly hung up and she acted sheepishly. I always thought it was strange he’d reach out 4 years later if all they did was “make out”.

 

As Road mentioned in an earlier reply I am sure I don’t have the truth, however I guess I’m not going to blow up my life or marriage over this (20+ years of good history). It is disappointing but we’re too good to ruin it all.

[d0nnivain]

This is still eating at you 4 years after your original post & a quarter century after it happened?

 

How's that IC going?

 

The other guy called years later but still before you were married because he liked your wife. You liked her too so why is it so shocking that another man liked her? He was probably wondering if her relationship ended? When he realized it hadn't he went away never to be heard from again.

[Maraud3r]

This is still eating at you 4 years after your original post & a quarter century after it happened?

 

How's that IC going?

 

The other guy called years later but still before you were married because he liked your wife. You liked her too so why is it so shocking that another man liked her? He was probably wondering if her relationship ended? When he realized it hadn't he went away never to be heard from again.

Seems odd though, why call her years later. Where did he get her number. Why did he think it would be okay to call her etc.

 

The reason this seems to be an ongoing issue that is eating their relationship is that it was never properly resolved. That the friend wasn't removed from the equation right away. That she wasn't entirely honest and that these people keep entering the picture when they should have been totaly out of it from the get go and have no reason to do so if there is no encouragement whatsoever.

 

He'll likely be back in another 4 years and then 2 years after that and so on.

[usa1ah]

Find away to deal with this all now. There is a thread on here by a guy in his 70’s I think going through the same thing as you. IC is a good start then your really need to get the truth from your wife. Not knowing plays havoc on ones thoughts.

[Adotta]

Earlier in the thread people suggested DNA testing the kids. I now think it's a good idea. You may be the 1 in 20 raising anothers child.

 

And don't any woman give me **** over this. How could you ever understand the deep seated worry about this? YOU KNOW, we don't. The darn thing came out of your vagina. We have no such proof.

 

I've been pushing my cousin to test his youngest for years. His youngest looks and acts just like my brother. Same head shape same early years learning and speech issues same hair color and eye color. He's had his head in the sand for years.

 

If I ever have kids I will be papa testing every time. I will decide weather to keep those tests to myself or not when the time comes.... if it comes.

 

 

The fact this guy called up 4 years later then hung up looks somewhat shady buddy. Her reactions seems off as well. Why is the guy searching her out 4 years later? Something tell me you didn't get the whole story AND this may be lasted a while.

 

I'm on the fence about the poly.... it seems like a nuclear option right now but the DNA test just seems smart to me.

[somanymistakes]

Earlier in the thread people suggested DNA testing the kids. I now think it's a good idea. You may be the 1 in 20 raising anothers child.

 

And don't any woman give me **** over this. How could you ever understand the deep seated worry about this? YOU KNOW, we don't. The darn thing came out of your vagina. We have no such proof.

 

So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

 

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

 

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

 

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.

[Adotta]

So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

 

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

 

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

 

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.

 

I never said to throw them away and yes I would cringe at somone throwing kids they raised for years away.

 

This isn't about throwing them away. If I learned I raised somone else's kids the mother of those kids would be dead to me. Not the kids. Plus I would want to know so I can decide if I want to have some ACTUAL kids of my own to carry my DNA to the next generation. If these kids are not his he just spent a decade raising and pushing somone else's DNA foward into the new generation all while denying him the right to pass his own genes down.

 

I don't raise kids for the sole reason of raising them. It's about passing my genes down. About being part of the future even when I'm gone. I want humanity a thousand years from now to have my genes as a part of its make up.

 

Why deny a man that? It's instinct.

[Fer_jo]

Thanks to all for the response. In this case I know that my children are mine.

I think that I didn’t get the full truth prior. I also know at this point it really should not have any consequences to my life or marriage.

 

It does disappoint me that it happened at all, and that things probably went farther than admitted. I wish she had shown the same respect and restraint that I did many years ago (and still do to this day).

 

Those who eloquently stated it will continue to bother me and that I’d probably come back every few years, are most likely correct.

 

Regarding IC, I did not proceed with it—don’t know if I ever will.

[Buckeye2]

Several years afterwards when we were formally engaged but living together, the same guy called our home asking for her. I had answered the phone and when he identified himself I told him who I was (his classmate) and that we were engaged. He promptly hung up and she acted sheepishly. I always thought it was strange he’d reach out 4 years later if all they did was “make out”.

 

This is why this is still festering. You weren’t even married and all she had to do was “act sheepishly” and you dropped the subject. The problem is that you think you know but don’t want to know.

 

The way you’re acting it’s as if you found out for sure you would have to divorce her. You don’t. Tell your wife that you love her but it’s tearing you up. She has been a good wife but you need to know.

 

That way you can start healing.

[DKT3]

You can't get past it because you don't know what you're getting past. As long as you're too fearful to address this with her it will continue to be at thing hanging over your marriage.

 

It's far to simplistic to say you shouldn't allow this to damage your marriage after 20 years. The truth is, it has been damaging your marriage for 20 and no matter how some say let it go, it's clear those people haven't been in that position.

 

It's been almost four years since you started this thread and you are still in the same spot..time for something different, time to sit her down, let her know that you have to know because you haven't healed in all this time not knowing.

Edited March 7, 2018 by DKT3

[d0nnivain]

Regarding IC, I did not proceed with it—don’t know if I ever will.

 

Then you are being a masochist / martyr. IC can help you. MC may help you get to the bottom of this. If this has been festering for all these years, you need to take appropriate steps to get peace.

[Maraud3r]

So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

That is incredible easy aswell as self serving to say for someone who ALWAYS knows whether the child is theirs or not.

 

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

Except, you are NOT his or her dad. You're a stranger who got tricked into taking on the parental role using fraud and deception. It does change the entire dynamic and means he'll never have children of his own.

 

Once again, as someone who will always know it's incredible easy to say: "so what?!" because it'll never be a situation you're in.

 

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

 

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.

What YOU are fine with is completely besides the point. Arbitarily adding a point in time when it would be "fine to do so" just arcs back to the whole self serving part of this.

 

It would not be his child, any relationship between the two would be entirely based on deception and lies. The child might not be the one who caused this but neither was the man in question. If he decides to stay despite all of this, props to him but there is absolutely no basis to hold the victim of a crime accountable and call them a horrible person for not sticking around.

 

Heck we could use the same logic for various other situations where you'd be outraged if we'd remove your arbitary time markers.

[standtall]

Fer jo. I have been in your shoes as well. We have been happily married 22 together 28...3 almost grown children. About 2 yrs ago I had a trigger about something my wife may have done before we were married...but seriously dating.. and had a mini meltdown.

 

A few thoughts that helped me...excluding #4.

 

1. Is it really cheating? Neither of you had signed a contract nor swore an oath in front of witness at that time. That means a lot in my book.

 

2. Focus on what you and your wife have now. Even if she did do more with an other guy, who cares? She chose you, has had sex with you a zillion times...hopefully even enjoyed it...and had your children. You won.

 

3. I know every guy wants to know how many times she swallowed, how he tore that *ss up etc. Get over it and don't ask anything more about the details.

 

4. You are in good position to ask your wife to not reconnect with these people. She knows why too.

 

5. Be wary here about posters. Some of them will encourage you to blow up your marriage with DNA tests, poly graphs, and other crap either for their own personal amusement, or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them. Nothing good will come of this digging. Get off of this forum ASAP and get your advice from people with successful marriages..not serial dysfunctional ones.

 

6. Refer to #1 as needed.

Edited March 7, 2018 by standtall

[BluesPower]

Fer jo. I have been in your shoes as well. We have been happily married 22 together 28...3 almost grown children. About 2 yrs ago I had a trigger about something my wife may have done before we were married...but seriously dating.. and had a mini meltdown.

 

A few thoughts that helped me...excluding #4.

 

1. Is it really cheating? Neither of you had signed a contract nor swore an oath in front of witness at that time. That means a lot in my book.

2. Focus on what you and your wife have now. Even if she did do more with an other guy, who cares? She chose you, has had sex with you a zillion times...hopefully even enjoyed it...and had your children. You won.

3.Get over it and don't ask anything more about the details.

4. You are in good position to ask your wife to not reconnect with these people. She knows why too.

5. Be wary here about posters. Some of them will encourage you to blow up your marriage with DNA tests and other crap either for their own personal amusement, or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them. Get off of this forum ASAP and get your advice from people with successful marriages..not serial dysfunctional ones.

 

ST...

 

I find it hard to believe that someone like you that has been here as long as you have been would actually feel this way. But, of course that is your right with out a doubt.

 

While is don't know your specific story, I have seen a lot like it.

 

I would like to point both you and OP to "Rog's" story. Married 35 years, I think, his wife pulled something like this, and it turned out that none, repeat none of his 4 children were his.

 

She had cheated the entire marriage and had 4 children with different men. BTW, he did not want to DNA test his kids either.

 

The reason that We here on LS are so staunch about things is the we have lived it and seen it so many times.

 

OP, got and has gotten triggered by his wives lack of respect for him, repeatedly.

 

Of course his then GF slept with the guy. She probably screwed him multiple times. And she lied about it.

 

OP then rug swept the situation like so many men do, only to find out that her lack of character then is actually a "warning" about her lack of character in the present day.

 

I am not saying for OP to blow up his marriage, but he is owed an explanation and the truth. But in his heart he knows that she screwed the guy, but instead of telling the truth, she choose to lie about it and put a wedge between them. That is on her, not him.

 

He was just a fool for believing her and marrying her.

 

And for every one that says he is a crazy for feeling the way that he does, you all should understand that a betrayed BF or spouse can trigger at any time. That is why infidelity is so damaging.

[DKT3]

Fer jo. I have been in your shoes as well. We have been happily married 22 together 28...3 almost grown children. About 2 yrs ago I had a trigger about something my wife may have done before we were married...but seriously dating.. and had a mini meltdown.

 

A few thoughts that helped me...excluding #4.

 

1. Is it really cheating? Neither of you had signed a contract nor swore an oath in front of witness at that time. That means a lot in my book.

 

2. Focus on what you and your wife have now. Even if she did do more with an other guy, who cares? She chose you, has had sex with you a zillion times...hopefully even enjoyed it...and had your children. You won.

 

3. I know every guy wants to know how many times she swallowed, how he tore that *ss up etc. Get over it and don't ask anything more about the details.

 

4. You are in good position to ask your wife to not reconnect with these people. She knows why too.

 

5. Be wary here about posters. Some of them will encourage you to blow up your marriage with DNA tests, poly graphs, and other crap either for their own personal amusement, or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them. Nothing good will come of this digging. Get off of this forum ASAP and get your advice from people with successful marriages..not serial dysfunctional ones.

 

6. Refer to #1 as needed.

 

I have an issue with number 5...Look OP has no peace, so how can this marriage be truly a happy one? He is struggling, and he has been doing what you suggested you know what? It's not working. This isn't going to go away, it hasn't after 20 plus years why would it now?

 

He needs answers to heal and move pass this, she owes him those answers, honest answers no more sheepishly avoiding and rugsweeping it away.

 

Not to long ago we had a FWW come along shocked because her husband just picked up and left years after her affair was dead and she thought they had reconciled. In all those years he had no peace, he silently struggled with what he didn't know, this feeling that she hadn't been honest and one day he just broke and disappeared. As her story slowly come out it was clear they had rugswept her affair, she never answered his questions so he stopped asking, she assumed he must be over it.

 

His unrest will slowly kill his love for her.

[BarbedFenceRider]

The part I'm feeling is that it is really easy to lay down 20+ years, kids, house, family time...And then see the "hidden" parts and realize that this family thing is a facade. If the WW can get away with a lie 20 years ago, what else has she gotten away with?

And I totally get not wanting to blow up the family for some serious questions, and I feel the OP has been really good with keeping it cool. But still, after reading MULTIPLE threads of WWs 20-30 years down the road busting open the whole image of a healthy relationship and destroyed whole families. Sick.

Hopefully, this WAS a 1 off thing, and she feels terrible about it. OP should just assume that they screwed all those years back...And just let it go. I feel his energy would be best served by introducing a counselor into a marriage "tune up". Nothing accusatory, but to help build solid foundations and bring to light any holes in the wife's barriers or trust factors. This would put in the open that OP's expectations of a fulfilling marriage, trust and loyalty included. That includes past boyfriends calling the home at weird times and dates expecting repeat performances.....

Also, this "tune up" time would be a good gauge at what your wife's expectations of you are at. Lets all agree that OP as well as the rest of us husbands always have some room to grow and improve as well. Kinda takes the sting away from being a salem witch trial against the wife....

[DavidJoseph]

You believe your then-girlfriend lied to you, and has continued to lie to you all of these years. She lied to you long ago, and she by not ever telling the truth since then, in essence, she continues to lie. She has never since then told the truth about it. That is a lot of lying, and for a very long time.

 

It is hard to feel like someone has truly apologized if the person continues to lie.

 

These are my opinions, of course.

 

Apparently you have never brought this up to your wife since then. I suggest you do so. I would suggest that one goal you want to reach in a marriage is to be able to tell each others their deepest feelings. Your wife is harboring a secret from you. You likewise are harboring a secret against her. Your secret is that you feel this way, it is important and serious to you, even though outsiders may feel it is trivial, and you kept your feelings secret from your wife.

 

Picture this: 30-40 years from now, your wife is in the hospital, and you are searching something she wants from your bedroom. You find a journal, and in the journal it mentions that your wife always thought that a certain lie, that you thought was trivial, but which your wife thought was a huge deal. And it has always bothered her. Wouldn't you wish your wife had told you about it previously, so you could have cleared the air and straighten it out once and for all, rather than let her bother her for almost her entire life?

 

Either your wife loves you enough to deal with how you feel about this, or she doesn't. It's OK if you do nothing about it, if you think she will want to get angry with you for feeling how you feel. But possibly these types of feelings are what have bothered you - not just that you thought she lied, but that you also feel like you can't bring it up or she will cause problems for your genuine feelings and troubles.

[standtall]

BP and dKt3...your responses prove the point of what I said in #5...

or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them

 

thanks for re-affirming it to him. I think your experiences are more on the worst case, extreme scenarios. Besides, look past your pain of betrayal and look at the demographics here.... most people with happy, functional marriages are not posting to love shack.

 

OP, who cares...we all have skeletons.

Edited March 7, 2018 by standtall

[road]

BP and dKt3...your responses prove the point of what I said in #5...

 

thanks for re-affirming it to him. I think your experiences are more on the worst case, extreme scenarios. Besides, look past your pain of betrayal and look at the demographics here.... most people with happy, functional marriages are not posting to love shack.

 

OP, who cares...we all have skeletons.

 

People that have no marriage problems are not here. The people

that have problems come her for answers. When a new member

comes here and they say they feel something in their gut.

 

What do we say, and based on real life experience, we tell them

the gut is never wrong. They don't want to believe us.

 

Then what happens?

 

They come back and say you guys were right my WS cheated.

[BluesPower]

BP and dKt3...your responses prove the point of what I said in #5...

 

thanks for re-affirming it to him. I think your experiences are more on the worst case, extreme scenarios. Besides, look past your pain of betrayal and look at the demographics here.... most people with happy, functional marriages are not posting to love shack.

 

OP, who cares...we all have skeletons.

 

I do appreciate you opinion... However I just could not disagree more.

 

Which, no offense, makes me think that you choose to rug sweep your future wife's infidelity under the rug.

 

And, if that works for you, that is great. I am happy for you.

 

However, a lot of people cannot. And the reason that they cannot is either/or/both that they rug swept or the wayward lied and trickled, which bring me to my point.

 

When they lie, or trickle, it is because they are of low moral character, or they are just liars. Neither of which is a good basis to build a relationship on.

 

Further, those guys that accept the Lying are usually the men that are the second place guys. And what is worse they think they got a prize.

 

And I am in no way saying that infidelity cannot be overcome, because it can. But for that to happen, it requires truth from the wayward and honest work from both parties.

 

When that does not occur, it is always best to cut your losses.

 

And just an FYI, I don't have any skeletons and any woman that I am with can ask everything except how many.

 

So I don't think either of our posts (mine or dtk) validate your point.

 

I think it invalidates it...

[standtall]

People that have no marriage problems are not here. The people

that have problems come her for answers. When a new member

comes here and they say they feel something in their gut.

 

What do we say, and based on real life experience, we tell them

the gut is never wrong. They don't want to believe us.

 

Then what happens?

 

They come back and say you guys were right my WS cheated.

 

Yea yea yea He is talking about something 20+ yrs go when they were DATING...not the same thing at all.

 

Is it that important for YOU to be right? It is not about you, but HIM. Try and be objective and leave these poor guys alone and stop feeding on their anguish and try to help them. The more you post, the more you prove the point that the betrayal you suffered is blinding you so much that you can't stop thinking about it. IMHO, you are just trying to blow up his marriage because yours did.

 

 

OP. you heard some opinions, not take some last advice and get off this forum.