If you want them back.

[rogersm]

LET HER GO!!!! Let her have her way, because right now, she's trying to validate and dignify that decision. Let it be... as hard as it is, let her have her way.

 

She'll wake up one day and say "ohh... what was I thinking." Maybe then, like in my case, it'll be too late.

 

As for my ex, which I have to work with, her pride is getting in the way. She has no one... her rebound blew up in her face... now she's just another one of the many single, 'doesn't know what she wants' women roaming from one door to the next looking for 'real affection'. I pity her actually... just too bad she doesn't get it.

 

 

This is so right. I was on here for months and I tried and tried to get my ex back. I still love her and always will. But, you can't force them to change their mind. My ex is a "doesn't know what she wants women". And it sucks! But, I have realized that she treated me poorly towards the end of our breakup and especially after it. You need to give the ex space to see what they are missing. Maybe when they do you will have moved on and found somebody else.

 

One thing I have realized in dealing with my past relationship is that perfect love doesn't exist. You need to work for it. A lot of people go around looking for somebody that will give them everything that they are looking for. And they never find that person. Do not let somebody go that loves you and cares about you unconditionally. They are really hard to find and chances are they will only come around once.

[SCJACK]

This is so right. I was on here for months and I tried and tried to get my ex back. I still love her and always will. But, you can't force them to change their mind. My ex is a "doesn't know what she wants women". And it sucks! But, I have realized that she treated me poorly towards the end of our breakup and especially after it. You need to give the ex space to see what they are missing. Maybe when they do you will have moved on and found somebody else.

 

One thing I have realized in dealing with my past relationship is that perfect love doesn't exist. You need to work for it. A lot of people go around looking for somebody that will give them everything that they are looking for. And they never find that person. Do not let somebody go that loves you and cares about you unconditionally. They are really hard to find and chances are they will only come around once.

 

You said that perfectly... too bad my ex doesn't see that either. She's also a doesn't know what she wants.. and I did love her unconditionally.. treated me poorly towards end of relationship and after as well.. and she let me go even though I cared about her... and I hope you are right about the really hard to find... and if they only come around once.. then that would definitely be me on that "coming around once" maybe one day our ex's will realize something and come after us... I wish I could be in that position.

[learning_slowly]

I was going through a roller coaster of emotions too. I was tempted to try and win her back after being the dumper and letting her get with somebody else.

 

But I think all you need to do is ask her once "is there a chance we can be together?"

 

If she says yes, then work hard, but don't be walked over.

 

If she says no, then wish her the best possible life going forward and then ignore all other emails. If there is a desire there, she won't be able to not contact you to talk about hooking up.

 

If there isn't you don't want to waste your life chasing that person anyway. Life is a series of episodes, just try to make sure most of them are good ones for you. She may seem like the perfect girl for you, but would she seem that way in 20 years. You'll change and she will. Just enjoy the good times and don't dwell on the sad times. Move on & live.

 

I forgot that for a few weeks, so all you doing months and years, make a change! Get on eharmony or something, and meet someone better.

 

Thanks to the op for reminding me I had a life. Good luck.

[Smurf03]

I was going through a roller coaster of emotions too. I was tempted to try and win her back after being the dumper and letting her get with somebody else.

 

But I think all you need to do is ask her once "is there a chance we can be together?"

 

If she says yes, then work hard, but don't be walked over.

 

If she says no, then wish her the best possible life going forward and then ignore all other emails. If there is a desire there, she won't be able to not contact you to talk about hooking up.

 

If there isn't you don't want to waste your life chasing that person anyway. Life is a series of episodes, just try to make sure most of them are good ones for you. She may seem like the perfect girl for you, but would she seem that way in 20 years. You'll change and she will. Just enjoy the good times and don't dwell on the sad times. Move on & live.

 

I forgot that for a few weeks, so all you doing months and years, make a change! Get on eharmony or something, and meet someone better.

 

Thanks to the op for reminding me I had a life. Good luck.

 

regarding the part in bold my ex told me in a 'breadcrumb' (3 weeks after the break up) that he still wasn't ready to get back together but 'maybe in the future'. He says he still loves me and misses me. How would you suggest you 'work hard' but not be a doormat? My plan is strict NC for however long it takes to build up strength. Thoughts?

[organizedchaos]

that's awesome, & that's what you should be doing.

 

 

dude, you never forget someone you loved at one point, whether or not you still love them the same way or vice versa, they will ALWAYS have love for you... that's why reconciliations do happen.

 

 

and just the fact she is liking your instagram photos says things too, maybe not that she wants to get back together but definitely says something.

 

 

however, when you completely cut the cord and really decide for yourself to move on, is when you will be completely happy and you will not care anymore

 

So finally did cut the cord and made my instagram private to stop her from having any ability to check in on what I'm doing or who I'm with. Now she can "wonder" what I'm up to while I move on with my life.

[No Limit]

Not heartbroken but rather headbroken.

 

A good friend of mine has taken her ex back after he begged for a few days. Now she's given up a job she really liked (it took her MONTHS to get a job in that type of business!) and taken one back that she hates just so she has a bit more time for her boyfriend on Skype (who lives hundreds of miles away from her and has cheated once already).

 

I really feel like giving her a swift club to her head sometimes. Her family isn't doing well financially so when her ex got a simple little car it meant the world for her even though he's almost 30 and still living with his parents.

And just when we all thought she'd start her life already, BAM...

 

For all people out there, if you ever give second choices, don't give them to people you don't feel safe with (if you have to say "This time it's different, he just truly loves me!" it's NOT security you're feeling!!) and for God's sake, don't risk yourself over it.

[learning_slowly]

Not heartbroken but rather headbroken.

 

A good friend of mine has taken her ex back after he begged for a few days. Now she's given up a job she really liked (it took her MONTHS to get a job in that type of business!) and taken one back that she hates just so she has a bit more time for her boyfriend on Skype (who lives hundreds of miles away from her and has cheated once already).

 

I really feel like giving her a swift club to her head sometimes. Her family isn't doing well financially so when her ex got a simple little car it meant the world for her even though he's almost 30 and still living with his parents.

And just when we all thought she'd start her life already, BAM...

 

For all people out there, if you ever give second choices, don't give them to people you don't feel safe with (if you have to say "This time it's different, he just truly loves me!" it's NOT security you're feeling!!) and for God's sake, don't risk yourself over it.

 

Are you really after security over love? It took me years to work out I loved my ex and preferred that over security. Which would you prefer? A gamble at true love, or a secure friendship? It's your choice, but people do sometimes change.

[No Limit]

Are you really after security over love? It took me years to work out I loved my ex and preferred that over security. Which would you prefer? A gamble at true love, or a secure friendship? It's your choice, but people do sometimes change.

 

Well she's still with her rosy glasses. Only his are fading, if it was ever love that made him go back to her. He's a rather... difficult type anyway, and since it's only her who truly understands him (re-read again with sarcastic voice) who knows what will become of it.

I just know that it won't last and the fact that she threw her job away is saddening me. I remember how we all celebrated her when she gave us the good news, and now this. They most certainly won't take her back and the other ones haven't even considered her.

I hope it lasts, for her sake, but I doubt it.

[learning_slowly]

regarding the part in bold my ex told me in a 'breadcrumb' (3 weeks after the break up) that he still wasn't ready to get back together but 'maybe in the future'. He says he still loves me and misses me. How would you suggest you 'work hard' but not be a doormat? My plan is strict NC for however long it takes to build up strength. Thoughts?

 

If you reply, then say "great idea, but chances are I will be with somebody else by then, as I'm not wasting my life waiting for you to maybe choose me. Good luck for the future. Bye", but you maybe better off ignoring. Chances are in all these breakups, that you won't get back together, so keep your self respect and don't become a hater. Bitterness will only drag you down. Look at the good things in life, even if it's only the people on here, caring enough to try and help. Maybe we should have a real life annual event loads of people crying together.

[furby58]

Not really heart broken anymore but....heres the long story short...

 

Ex broke up with me just over 5 months ago, 2 1/2 amazing years living together pretty much most of our relationship ..went through the marriage and kids talk . One day not long after my surgery "i love you but im not in love with you " was dropped . It came out of no where and boy did it feel like i got hit by a bullet train . I moved out of our place a week and half after the break up but at that time he was still calling me everyday and we still went to dinner and did all the couply things (i had my love goggle on ) i hit my head on some brick walls and realised that the chapter had to end . For months he was calling me , emailing and called me at work for stupidest reasons .on valentine i blew up and sent him a "dont ever contact me " email. He left me alone for maybe if i was lucky 3 weeks ..i picked my self up and started to do things that i use to enjoy (working out alot , spending more time with friends etc )basically started loving my single life. At the end of that 3 weeks he emailed me again.... i replied in a nice manner thanking him for everything and wished him goodluck. Did i mention he started seeing a new chick pretty much a couple of days after we broke up?

 

I went on my merry way , did my own things ..a month and half ago he texted me ,then appeared at my train stop( craaaayzy chemisty is still definitely there..the same one that were there on our first date ) ...then more texting and its always him that innitates all the contact.and to be frank ..we talk WAY too much for exes.

 

We have pets that we bought together and i kept them after the split ..he wanted to spend time with them so i gave him the option to meet me at the park or walk over ..he came over , no nothing happened (old place is literally 10 steps away ..and my ex said he was moving out a month after out split ) .

 

I'm travelling at the moment for a month and he has no clue (hell why should he ) ..he texted me the other day and i didnt reply for 4 days ..he freaked out and said that he was worried because i wasn't replying ...so what im asking is some insights as to WTF is going on ..

Edited May 17, 2014 by furby58

[BC1980]

Not really heart broken anymore but....heres the long story short...

 

Ex broke up with me just over 5 months ago, 2 1/2 amazing years living together pretty much most of our relationship ..went through the marriage and kids talk . One day not long after my surgery "i love you but im not in love with you " was dropped . It came out of no where and boy did it feel like i got hit by a bullet train . I moved out of our place a week and half after the break up but at that time he was still calling me everyday and we still went to dinner and did all the couply things (i had my love goggle on ) i hit my head on some brick walls and realised that the chapter had to end . For months he was calling me , emailing and called me at work for stupidest reasons .on valentine i blew up and sent him a "dont ever contact me " email. He left me alone for maybe if i was lucky 3 weeks ..i picked my self up and started to do things that i use to enjoy (working out alot , spending more time with friends etc )basically started loving my single life. At the end of that 3 weeks he emailed me again.... i replied in a nice manner thanking him for everything and wished him goodluck. Did i mention he started seeing a new chick pretty much a couple of days after we broke up?

 

I went on my merry way , did my own things ..a month and half ago he texted me ,then appeared at my train stop( craaaayzy chemisty is still definitely there..the same one that were there on our first date ) ...then more texting and its always him that innitates all the contact.and to be frank ..we talk WAY too much for exes.

 

We have pets that we bought together and i kept them after the split ..he wanted to spend time with them so i gave him the option to meet me at the park or walk over ..he came over , no nothing happened (old place is literally 10 steps away ..and my ex said he was moving out a month after out split ) .

 

I'm travelling at the moment for a month and he has no clue (hell why should he ) ..he texted me the other day and i didnt reply for 4 days ..he freaked out and said that he was worried because i wasn't replying ...so what im asking is some insights as to WTF is going on ..

 

He's keeping you around in case he changes his mind, which is cruel. I'm not even saying he is completely aware of what he is doing or is doing it to be cruel. Some dumpers actually believe that they are owed friendship after dumping you based on shared history. My ex was very upset when I denied him friendship, and it made me feel like the mean one. Don't fall for that trap.

 

My ex would also nearly always be the one to initiate the contact, but, when I questioned him on his motives, he said he missed me and wanted to remain friends. Even went so far as to say that you never know what the future holds. All that BS. It means nothing. It's truly not uncommon, and there are loads of threads on LS telling similar stories. I also think keeping up the contact helps the dumper ease out of the relationship. It doesn't hurt them as much because they are processing things in a different way. My ex was the type that always wanted control. He wanted to control my perception of him and the story of the breakup, so I think he kept coming around to make sure I thought he was a nice guy.

 

I would certainly go NC, so you move on and at least have a chance with someone else in the future. He keeps busting your boundaries when you tell him not to contact you. You have to be really firm with people like that. You have basically shown him your boundaries aren't that strong because you keep answering him. Ignore him from now on.

Edited May 17, 2014 by BC1980

[Summerrose2013]

He's keeping you around in case he changes his mind, which is cruel. I'm not even saying he is completely aware of what he is doing or is doing it to be cruel. Some dumpers actually believe that they are owed friendship after dumping you based on shared history. My ex was very upset when I denied him friendship, and it made me feel like the mean one. Don't fall for that trap.

 

My ex would also nearly always be the one to initiate the contact, but, when I questioned him on his motives, he said he missed me and wanted to remain friends. Even went so far as to say that you never know what the future holds. All that BS. It means nothing. It's truly not uncommon, and there are loads of threads on LS telling similar stories. I also think keeping up the contact helps the dumper ease out of the relationship. It doesn't hurt them as much because they are processing things in a different way. My ex was the type that always wanted control. He wanted to control my perception of him and the story of the breakup, so I think he kept coming around to make sure I thought he was a nice guy.

.

 

Genius - exactly what my ex put in a email to me last week - I had to hold myself from writing a tirade back at him, cheeky git, does he think I'm going to be sitting around weeping, whilst I wait for him to decide he wants me back - NOT!! Decided that my silence would speak better than any rant I could sent him. Grrrr

[BC1980]

Genius - exactly what my ex put in a email to me last week - I had to hold myself from writing a tirade back at him, cheeky git, does he think I'm going to be sitting around weeping, whilst I wait for him to decide he wants me back - NOT!! Decided that my silence would speak better than any rant I could sent him. Grrrr

 

It's so cruel to do that to someone because it puts you in the position of having to cut it off completely when you are already at a weak point.

[Summerrose2013]

It's so cruel to do that to someone because it puts you in the position of having to cut it off completely when you are already at a weak point.

 

Yes, so many exes feel that they have a divine right to move you into the friend zone after they dump you, and us, as decent human beings are just not used to being harsh and ignoring people, we have to get past this inbuild gene we have that 'we must be polite, we must not offend anyone' - it's simply madness.

 

I never replied to him on this message, I just ignored it, and later that night he TEXTED ME (forcing his contact on me - easier to say you didn't read an email than a text I guess) - I had deleted him number from my phone but guessed it was him. And YES I have deleted that message so I still don't have his number in my phone.

[BC1980]

Yes, so many exes feel that they have a divine right to move you into the friend zone after they dump you, and us, as decent human beings are just not used to being harsh and ignoring people, we have to get past this inbuild gene we have that 'we must be polite, we must not offend anyone' - it's simply madness.

 

I never replied to him on this message, I just ignored it, and later that night he TEXTED ME (forcing his contact on me - easier to say you didn't read an email than a text I guess) - I had deleted him number from my phone but guessed it was him. And YES I have deleted that message so I still don't have his number in my phone.

 

I remember my ex crying when I said we couldn't be friends, and this is a guy who never cried and rarely showed deep emotions. Of course, they see you as being unfair. We are all selfish to some extent, but you have to step back from your own needs sometimes. You can't expect to dump someone and then remain BFF. My ex even asked me to go on his family vacation after he dumped me. I was like WTF? Just totally clueless. So of course, with my lack of boundaries, I tried to do the friendship thing because I didn't want to hurt him. I was willing to ignore my emotions and needs for his. It obviously ended badly, but it was a huge lesson learned.

[PhillyConnection23]

Yes, so many exes feel that they have a divine right to move you into the friend zone after they dump you, and us, as decent human beings are just not used to being harsh and ignoring people, we have to get past this inbuild gene we have that 'we must be polite, we must not offend anyone' - it's simply madness.

 

I never replied to him on this message, I just ignored it, and later that night he TEXTED ME (forcing his contact on me - easier to say you didn't read an email than a text I guess) - I had deleted him number from my phone but guessed it was him. And YES I have deleted that message so I still don't have his number in my phone.

 

At the time I was pretty hurt by my ex wanting no contact with me. But now I realized it was a way of protecting herself from her feelings for me.

 

It makes me feel good in a weird way.

[rogersm]

Being put in the friends zone after a breakup is horrible. Take it from somebody who refused to listen to people and go NC. You need it. Read my threads on here and you will see how much i suffered. I thought I would be fine and I was for a bit. Me and my ex talked a lot. She even told me she loved me and didn't want to lose me. Obviously while she was talking to other guys. But, no doubt she lost respect for me. We got back together for a week or two and that was my high point. Lost her now and we havn't talked for two months. Seems like she doesn't miss me at all now.Finally blocked her off a majority of my social media and I feel good. Starting to make some headway and now I am scared to turn around and go back to contact.

[Summerrose2013]

BC1980 - just wanted to let you know that your posts from yesterday have given me strength.

 

My ex and I had holiday dates planned for this year to coincide - I found out last night that he is going to be in the same place as me next week (we met through mutual friends and family) - we are staying at different houses, thankfully, but he asked me if I wanted him to change dates to avoid seeing him and I said YES - and that I don't want to be in contact with him any more (I know he will respect this and he has so far). This is the final break for me....it feels right...I'm sad because this is my final acceptance that we are over, but I know I am getting stronger everyday. It's sort of bittersweet. But I now understand that he wasn't trying to be friends, he was keeping me 'as an option' and I ain't no mans option.

 

Funny thing is, I remeber him telling me that after his wife left him, she still wanted him to go on family holidays with the kids - WTF! So I know he will understand my reasons for avoiding him.

We very nearly had a holiday cottage booked for this week for all 10 of us (how we got together last year funnily enough) but I had said I didn't want to do it again this year - phew.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[furby58]

Thank you BC , ive been reading your past threads as well . i think im still battling with my self and my emotion ..some part wants him back ( good lordy why why why ) and the other part wants to cut him out .

[Summerrose2013]

Thank you BC , ive been reading your past threads as well . i think im still battling with my self and my emotion ..some part wants him back ( good lordy why why why ) and the other part wants to cut him out .

 

All I can say is keep busy and as each day passes you will start to feel yourself slipping out of his grasp....for me it is 2 months now and I'm only just really starting to get back on an even emotional keel...with the occasional low but also some lovely highs too from the New things I have forced myself to do. The real longing lasts a good month. It was like withdrawing from an addiction and during that time I really wanted him back. But as time went on , and I sat down and listed the things that were wring in our RS, I realised the break up was for the best. I'm not saying this made me feel better straight away. You still battle the loneliness and longing but it fades.... very gradually and each day I find myself thinking more and more about other things and not only about him. We're here for you x

Edited May 20, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[furby58]

Thank you summer ! I'm travelling at the moment and i guess my trip is coming to an end and will have to deal with the reality when i get back in a few weeks and it'll be hitting the (longest and most painful) 6 months since the split.

 

Most days i feel happy and content , just the last few i've been feeling down .

 

I should really open my own thread , i dont want to derail or hijack this thread

Edited May 21, 2014 by furby58

[MrWhite]

Great NC summary.

Blunt and true.

 

 

I must add one thing to anyone looking to get back together with an ex.

 

You must "Let Go" 100% before you can get back together.

 

Having a plan or following the NC rules to "get someone back" is not the entire solution.

Unless you can let the past go, you will have problems.

You need to be at a point of life to either reestablish a new relationship or choose to not allow them back into your life.

Figure yourself out first, then figure out who will be part of it.

 

 

Lastly, if the relationship restarts, who ever was the dumper (or person who made the error) needs to know that they have used up their "I messed up card" and any other major mistake will lead to a final break-up.

[bulldogz]

I read the opening post. It makes sense.

 

However, if both parties read the opening post (or otherwise subscribe to that post-breakup plan), then neither will contact the other, and the two won't get back together.

 

I think with the advent of the internet and dissemination of dating advice, it is safe to say that anyone with a computer knows the "no contact" rule.

 

So if both parties play it, and stick to it, neither is going to get back together.

 

 

I understand the point, but just sayin...

[jphcbpa]

I read the opening post. It makes sense.

 

However, if both parties read the opening post (or otherwise subscribe to that post-breakup plan), then neither will contact the other, and the two won't get back together.

 

I think with the advent of the internet and dissemination of dating advice, it is safe to say that anyone with a computer knows the "no contact" rule.

 

So if both parties play it, and stick to it, neither is going to get back together.

 

 

I understand the point, but just sayin...

 

Then you read this part....

 

Because if you are the one who was dumped, you simply cannot go back or make anything right.

 

The dumper has too.

[bulldogz]

Then you read this part....

 

So this guide only works for the dumper, and the dumpee has no shot?