Mom says I'm not Grown Up

[pteromom]

I'm sick of people who drink, smoke, and do drugs or that are in jail can get their life together but yet I work hard and can't get nothing.

 

In what way are you working hard? Maybe you are putting your energy into the wrong things?

 

Whether you consider yourself a grown-up or not isn't important. The question is are you happy, and if not, what are you doing about it?

 

Giving up isn't the answer.

 

If what you want to do is writing and photography, start doing it. Submit articles to websites. Find magazines that pay you for submissions they use. Look for photography contests that pay winners. Write unpaid articles to start making a name for yourself. Write a blog and learn how to advertise on it. You don't have to wait for the world to start handing things to you - go out and make it happen.

[OpheliaSong]

Where is your pride, your self esteem? Is there something mentally wrong with you? Are you disabled? Do you have a drug problem or are an alcoholic, or some other addiction? Why, at twenty seven are you mooching off your parents? Do you have some sort of illness?

I am twenty three, live abroad, finishing my PhD and working at a huge firm, living by myself in a townhouse and have my own car. My parents didn't give me a dime and I was expected to make my own way in this world. I also came from a middle class family so I didn't have a trust or anything. I work hard for what I want and if I fail, I get back up and do it over and over until I master it. Work is good for your soul. It makes you have character. Don't give up on life.

[ASG]

I don't wanna be on college debt and besides that the field I wanna do writing and journalism is competitive and hard to find work. Plus no degree is worth having even the basic one's like associates or bachelors won't get you work. I have tried finding work in writing and photography too. Too many people doing it. And no I don't wanna go to college I tried I didn't like how you had to take general ed classes just like regular school screw that. I have tried the website and YouTube thing. I got google Adsense but that doesn't help' I got a paypal donate button no one donates money. I can charge people but they won't pay even if it was 99 cents! I do have other things I'd like to so but it requires schooling etc and I don't wanna do it. I have applied to retail but everything requires experience! I don't want to volunteer it doesn't pay you. And I can't work anyway i got disabilities issues I.e. Anxiety and depression that prevents me from working. I tried to get s.s.i. But that's hard too. I tried getting my license to drive but taking that test over 40 times? Screw it! I am just done with it all I really am. I'm sick of people who drink, smoke, and do drugs or that are in jail can get their life together but yet I work hard and can't get nothing.

 

 

This is where you're wrong. You DONT work hard. In fact, you do absolutely nothing!

You cant even do your mom a favour of sending a fax!

 

Life is not being unfair to you. You're just waiting for stuff to fall on your lap and, I'm sorry to break it to you, but that doesn't happen to most people!

[pickflicker]

We don't know her circumstances. We only know tiny details about it, when there's a bigger picture going on here.

 

But people looooooove to juice themselves up when it comes to talking to people in situations like this, for some reason, I guess they like to play Mummy - "grow up!", "stop bumming around!"; "put your big girl panties on!" is a big favorite in people of this ilk.

 

Yeah, great, we get it. People think she's a child / needs to grow up / stop being lazy... great, stellar, amazing, whatever... That isn't helpful. It isn't productive. It isn't advice. It's just patronizing.

 

Shepp had some great advice, but if OP is suffering from depression, (which certainly seems apparent with the very demotivated responses she's posting), something is going to need to be done about that. Otherwise, it's like telling a depressed person to "snap out of it", "what are you doing?? Get on with your life!" Yeah. It's not gonna happen...

 

The issue shouldn't be whether the OP is a "child", or a "grown up". That is petty, defeating, and beside the point. The real issue is actually getting herself to a point where she CAN be self-sufficient.

 

 

Napy - My advice to you is to get help for your mental health first and foremost: seek help for your anxiety and depression. Perhaps try to find a good counsellor or therapist who can help you find ways to motivate and inspire yourself, and maybe even find ways to make money through self-employment. There are a lot of great resources out there for people looking to set up their own business.

 

Maybe you could start small perhaps by selling things from home. When I was out of work a while ago I got by by buying and selling things over eBay. Maybe you could try something like that just to get your confidence up a little. It's a vicious cycle ENOUGH when you're struggling to find work - that alone is enough to make many people horribly depressed - let alone when you have someone actually pushing you down by comparing you unfavourably to others. I feel for you and I hope you find a way out of this soon. Things don't need to stay the same way forever hun.

 

If a grown up has depression and anxiety, they see a doctor.

 

If a grown up can't pass their driving test, they hire a driving instructor.

 

If a grown up can't realise their employment dreams straight away, they take a job that will pay the bills while they figure things out, volunteer (something she refuses to do, which deserves a "grow up" right there) go to a career counselor, go to a course that teaches job hunting skills, etc.

 

If a grown up can't afford to rent a place, they get roommates.

 

See the difference?

[Lixxy]

If a grown up has depression and anxiety, they see a doctor.

 

If a grown up can't pass their driving test, they hire a driving instructor.

 

If a grown up can't realise their employment dreams straight away, they take a job that will pay the bills while they figure things out, volunteer (something she refuses to do, which deserves a "grow up" right there) go to a career counselor, go to a course that teaches job hunting skills, etc.

 

If a grown up can't afford to rent a place, they get roommates.

 

See the difference?

 

 

It isn't always as easy as that, though.

If every "grown up" did exactly as you said, no one would ever have any problems. Or not for very long. - They'd face the problem, and bam, simply solve it right away as you said. Life isn't always as simple as that, especially for those with psychological issues. Life, human beings, and our responses to life difficulties is not as perfect as that.

 

Some people suffering from depression and anxiety take *years* to get help for their psychological health. It isn't because they are "lazy" or whatever. To many sufferers, it takes a colossal amount of effort to even get out of BED every morning, let alone find help, get a job, get a car, etc.. And then there's the issue of finding the right therapist, right kind of help, etc, etc.. That is work in and of itself.

 

All this "you're a "grown up" if you behave this way" but "you're a "child" if you behave that way" is just kicking someone when they're already down.

Her status as an adult does not change in accordance to her employment status, her desire (or lack thereof) for college education or whether or not she has a car, and certainly as an adult suffering with depression.

 

Maybe all this "grow up", "you are a child" talk might help some people, and maybe the tough love approach some people here in this thread are showing her might work for her. But as well, it may just further push her down. I sure hope she's ok.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Lixxy

[pickflicker]

It isn't always as easy as that, though.

If every "grown up" did exactly as you said, no one would ever have any problems. Or not for very long. - They'd face the problem, and bam, simply solve it right away as you said. Life isn't always as simple as that, especially for those with psychological issues. Life, human beings, and our responses to life difficulties is not as perfect as that.

 

Some people suffering from depression and anxiety take *years* to get help for their psychological health. It isn't because they are "lazy" or whatever. To many sufferers, it takes a colossal amount of effort to even get out of BED every morning, let alone find help, get a job, get a car, etc.. And then there's the issue of finding the right therapist, right kind of help, etc, etc.. That is work in and of itself.

 

All this "you're a "grown up" if you behave this way" but "you're a "child" if you behave that way" is just kicking someone when they're already down.

Her status as an adult does not change in accordance to her employment status, her desire (or lack thereof) for college education or whether or not she has a car, and certainly as an adult suffering with depression.

 

Maybe all this "grow up", "you are a child" talk might help some people, and maybe the tough love approach some people here in this thread are showing her might work for her. But as well, it may just further push her down. I sure hope she's ok.

 

You don't need to tell me about the unique problems by people suffering from depression. That's why my post is broken into tasks that can be done one by one.

 

Step one - off to the doctor to seek treatment.

[napy666]

I've applied to retail, fast food places, etc. They don't call me back or they want people with experience and plus graveyard? 711? Me as a girl my parents would say no.

 

And I already have a website with a ton of stuff on it, a portfolio too, and I write for magazines online just don't get paid. I won't get paid without a degree at most places.

 

I suffer from the mental illness's anxiety, depression ok.

 

I don't got pride or self esteem.

 

I do work hard, I work hard on my site, posting news, writing reviews, interviewing bands etc. I do work hard around the house too. I do other stuff for my parents too.

 

I've tried the driving school, instructor, parents, etc. Still unable to pass those tests and I don't like studying. Every time I study I never pass.

[pickflicker]

I've applied to retail, fast food places, etc. They don't call me back or they want people with experience and plus graveyard? 711? Me as a girl my parents would say no.

 

And I already have a website with a ton of stuff on it, a portfolio too, and I write for magazines online just don't get paid. I won't get paid without a degree at most places.

 

I suffer from the mental illness's anxiety, depression ok.

 

I don't got pride or self esteem.

 

I do work hard, I work hard on my site, posting news, writing reviews, interviewing bands etc. I do work hard around the house too. I do other stuff for my parents too.

 

I've tried the driving school, instructor, parents, etc. Still unable to pass those tests and I don't like studying. Every time I study I never pass.

 

If you want the licence, you're going to have to study for it. There's no two ways about it.

 

If you want the retail/fast food job - don't call just once. Keep calling them until they give ou the job. How do you think anyone else gets one?

 

You're 27, not 16. Night work might be part of the package. If you want to be an adult, you have to start making adult decisions. That means graveyard shift if you have to.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I don't got pride or self esteem.

 

 

Can you just take some English Comp courses at a junior college to improve your writing? And maybe have an instructor or two critique your work?

[preraph]

Not to rub salt in the wound, but you'll never BE grown up if you don't do what it takes to get your own place and make your own living.

[whichwayisup]

I don't wanna do anything I have given up.

 

You sound depressed and unmotivated, as well low self confidence.

 

Start small, get out there rebuild yourself up. Why not volunteer one day a week somewhere?

 

This is your life unless you do something to change it. Living at home and you're 27, your mom feels like she still has to 'parent' you, which is why she's telling you off and making comments about not being an adult.

[napy666]

I am just done end of discussion.

[pickflicker]

I am just done end of discussion.

 

Not sure what the point of this thread was...

[lollipopspot]

OP is clearly very depressed, may have some other mental health issues, and some learning issues. She's not a standard poster on here who is basically functioning in life but is having a relationship problem or something.

 

We don't all start out in life equal. Some of us have more natural gifts, and some have more gifts in the way of environment and parenting. We can't always judge others by what we have been able to do with our resources.

 

It sounds that OP needs some help in getting her life together. For whatever reason she wasn't able to do that and her parents don't seem able to get that to happen either.

 

OP, you really need to sit and think about how you want your life to go, and try something different.

 

First, you really need to see a doctor/counselor about your mental health issues, if you're not already. You need help to deal with the mental issues.

 

I understand you have issues with volunteering, but in my mind that is the most important way to help give your life meaning and put you in a different space. Do you like animals? Volunteer at an animal shelter, or help trap and alter feral cats and feed the colonies, or find another way to help. Do you feel for people who are homeless? Try volunteering at a mission. Do you feel for rape victims? Try volunteering at a crisis line. So many ways to help. I think people who help those animals and humans who are disadvantaged do far more good in the world and I'd rather know them than someone who is the CEO of a large company.

 

Community college courses are usually not very expensive. Think about learning a trade. You don't need a degree. You need skills.

 

It's going to be very hard to get your self esteem together when you're not doing anything very worthwhile with your life. One step at a time. If you don't do anything different, you will be in this exact place in 10 years, and I don't think you want that.

Edited February 25, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Lixxy]

You don't need to tell me about the unique problems by people suffering from depression. That's why my post is broken into tasks that can be done one by one.

 

Step one - off to the doctor to seek treatment.

 

?

 

The fact that your post was broken into choppy answers was the reason I elaborated the way I did: You didn't show any compassion or understanding to the OP, just *bam*, do this... Lol no. My whole standpoint is that it isn't so simplistic, and that if someone with depression feels like there's just someone barking out orders to them, (much as her mother is), that might not be the most useful way to help.

[Lixxy]

Not sure what the point of this thread was...

 

For a bunch of perfect strangers to tell a sufferer of depression and anxiety that they're lazy and a child, apparently...

[MidwestUSA]

For a bunch of perfect strangers to tell a sufferer of depression and anxiety that they're lazy and a child, apparently...

 

She's not too depressed and anxious to be communicating with guys all over the country via dating sites, and has put herself in a position to be taken advantage of by catfish/scammers more than once. I've personally talked her away from one, and I don't see the problem with suggesting what it's going to take to get her on the right track.

[Lixxy]

She's not too depressed and anxious to be communicating with guys all over the country via dating sites, and has put herself in a position to be taken advantage of by catfish/scammers more than once. I've personally talked her away from one, and I don't see the problem with suggesting what it's going to take to get her on the right track.

 

I'm thinking she's spending so much time trying to find a partner because she's depressed, though.

 

People with depression can engage in certain things as symptomatic of depression.

 

That isn't to say that looking for a partner is symptomatic of depression, but it seems clear to me at least that she's trying to find some love and understanding where she may not have that much at home if she's fighting relentless battles with her mother.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting what it's going to take to get someone on the right tracks.

[Keenly]

For a bunch of perfect strangers to tell a sufferer of depression and anxiety that they're lazy and a child, apparently...

 

So how many years to you get to hide behind anxiety and depression for being an adult child?

 

when I was 18, all I wanted to do was smoke pot and play video games 12 hours a day, and eat and sleep for the other twelve.

 

 

My mom kicked my ass until I got a job and moved out. It took forever , but I didn't give up. But here I am. 24, on my own, with my own apartment, I got offered another job with 50% more pay, that I'll be switching to over the next couple weeks.

 

 

I didn't make excuses. I went out and did it. No one is going to make it happen for you.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Keenly

[Lixxy]

So how many years to you get to hide behind anxiety and depression for being an adult child?

 

when I was 18, all I wanted to do was smoke pot and play video games 12 hours a day, and eat and sleep for the other twelve.

 

 

My mom kicked my ass until I got a job and moved out. It took forever , but I didn't give up. But here I am. 24, on my own, with my own apartment, I got offered another job with 50% more pay, that I'll be switching to over the next couple weeks.

 

 

I didn't make excuses. I went out and did it. No one is going to make it happen for you.

 

I don't get why so many people get so high-and-mighty towards people in this situation, like what has she done to anyone here to deserve being called an "adult child" and whatnot? It's disgraceful. If calling her crap like that helped her, she'd be perfectly recovered by now, being as it seems like she's had it long enough from her mother.

 

I'm tempted to blame her mother actually, rather than the OP, for the reason that the mother as a parent is supposed to educate her child on how to be a self-sufficient individual. If the mother has not brought her child up to foster ambitions, life goals and basic self-sufficiency, and yet is happy to whine about how her daughter still lives at home, well frankly, what on Earth does she expect? If she hasn't taught her those basic tools, she has failed her role as a parent.

 

You can't just kick someone suffering from depression out on the street, thinking "Oh, they'll just support themselves" or whatever. Maybe it worked for you, but generally booting an ill person out of their only existing support system (family home) could have disastrous effects if they don't have the first clue how to cope.

 

Again, she needs to get herself to a doctor, find a good therapist, and start from there.

[pickflicker]

 

You can't just kick someone suffering from depression out on the street, thinking "Oh, they'll just support themselves" or whatever. Maybe it worked for you, but generally booting an ill person out of their only existing support system (family home) could have disastrous effects if they don't have the first clue how to cope.

 

But you also cannot enable them. If a parent has provided all the support (financial, emotional, etc etc), to try and get a child to stand on their own two feet, and they don't try to use those resources to help themselves, what do you do then?

 

It's a problem facing my sister-in-law's parents right now. Their youngest son is extremely intelligent (Asperger's sufferer) , but refuses to contribute to the house, stopped going to school and was kicked out, does not want to work (stopped going), and recently ran away from home for a month. They've done everything. Does it not get to a point where they have to consider what is best for everyone? He can't sit around being a drain on their finances and their life, because he is thoroughly unmotivated. They can't make him go to therapy. They can't force-feed him the meds (they've tried). He's 18. Where do you draw the line? Do they just leave him to treat them as a bank account and a place to live? Or do they get a say in how your own life turns out?

 

My parents adore me. But there is no way they would have tolerated this behaviour. I would have been asked to leave. And they would have done that, precisely because they do love me. They can't be my enabler. They are only my supporter.

 

So if and when the OP wants to go to a doctor, then advice can be properly tailored to her. But if she refuses to do even that, her options are limited.

Edited February 26, 2014 by pickflicker

[napy666]

I really don't get my mom. She goes and complains about EVERYTHING.

 

Yeah I get mad and do talk back to her. Refusing to do chores or do anything. But she's the one that gets on my nerves too. She always has her smarty pants remarks like

 

"Don't forget to feed the animals and take our the trash" or "I don't wanna hear you bitch but I want you to do this or that" or "Wow your up early you must want something" or "why don't you go out and look for work, your cousin, friend, family, has a job, place of their own, degree, boyfriend etc. why don't you?" "why don't you go out and do something you're 26" "when I retire at 62 I don't want you here and don't think I won't kick you out because I will"

 

OR even if I say I will go out to the mall or go out in general right away my mom says "Oh you want a ride? I don't mind giving you a ride" then hours later or the next day "you see I go and do something for you and you treat me like crap" or "why don't you go out you don't do anything but stay in your room" "you need to go out you're 26 you're already acting like an old lady"

 

Well I would go out and live my life BUT I don't have a car or license to do so and plus my mom would again COMPLAIN about having those things.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I could just shut up and do everything she says and yet it's still not good enough for her. I just don't know anymore but her and I keep butting heads.

 

I know I could easily just leave and go stay in a hotel or at the park and be a bum/hobo but then my mom will again COMPLAIN "No you don't have to leave just stay" blah blah blah.

[CC12]

Let's just get this out of the way: Why are you still living at your mom's house?

[napy666]

Don't have a job to buy my own place and living with friends or family would cause the same drama.

[CC12]

Don't have a job to buy my own place and living with friends or family would cause the same drama.

 

Thanks for answering. You can solve many family problems by getting a job, then moving out of your mom's house and becoming an adult by paying all your own bills and cooking your own meals.