He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be facebook-friends...

[lamaga]

He was ambiguous when it came to being exclusive and now this. He may not be cheating but he's not nearly as invested as you are. IMO he sees you as his GF and you see him as your lover. You seem like a chaser and this is like crack for you.

 

I am not a chaser. I am a real normal person when it comes to what I want in a relationship. And I want to be on the same page. That's all I am asking for.

[lamaga]

From your posts here. I don't know why people think they come across differently in real life than they do here. You question everything all the time. I'm pretty sure he isn't blind to notice.

 

 

I do question things a lot, but not only in my relationship. I am a bit of a worrier, but I am genuinely looking for peace. I am on this forum to vent and get advice so I don't have to bother my boyfriend with this stuff to the extend where it would drive him away.

[Emilia]

I do question things a lot, but not only in my relationship. I am a bit of a worrier, but I am genuinely looking for peace. I am on this forum to vent and get advice so I don't have to bother my boyfriend with this stuff to the extend where it would drive him away.

Not saying you shouldn't post. I'm saying it's more likely to be transparent than you think. Don't underestimate him, he is watching you as much as you are watching him.

[lamaga]

Not saying you shouldn't post. I'm saying it's more likely to be transparent than you think. Don't underestimate him, he is watching you as much as you are watching him.

 

Yeah perhaps, but at the same time he often tells me I worry too much. He is way less complicated than I make him out to be. So I doubt that he often even realises that I am concerned about something or that I am unhappy about something... He can be a bit, how do you say, empathetically blind. I mean, he is sweet, for example recently my grandma was really sick and had to do a risky operation in which she could have died - I was really sad about it and cried and he almost cried too, comforting me, telling me he is there for me, ditched his friend for the evening to be with me.

But there it was obvious I was sad.

When I am internally crying, he won't notice.

[Emilia]

Yeah perhaps, but at the same time he often tells me I worry too much. He is way less complicated than I make him out to be. So I doubt that he often even realises that I am concerned about something or that I am unhappy about something... He can be a bit, how do you say, empathetically blind. I mean, he is sweet, for example recently my grandma was really sick and had to do a risky operation in which she could have died - I was really sad about it and cried and he almost cried too, comforting me, telling me he is there for me, ditched his friend for the evening to be with me.

But there it was obvious I was sad.

When I am internally crying, he won't notice.

Those two sentences are contradicting. He tells you you worry too much but you think he doesn't realise you are concerned about something? He does realise.

 

Hate to get down to generalising but men are often more pragmatic and less sensitive than women. This is because this sort of thing was beaten into them as kids, they are socialised differently. He notices things more than you think he just isn't showing it. Or trying to encourage you to be less sensitive and less of a worrier.

 

I'm pretty sure he notices when you are 'internally crying'. People think their emotions and anxieties aren't obvious but they usually are.

[lamaga]

Those two sentences are contradicting. He tells you you worry too much but you think he doesn't realise you are concerned about something? He does realise.

 

Hate to get down to generalising but men are often more pragmatic and less sensitive than women. This is because this sort of thing was beaten into them as kids, they are socialised differently. He notices things more than you think he just isn't showing it. Or trying to encourage you to be less sensitive and less of a worrier.

 

I'm pretty sure he notices when you are 'internally crying'. People think their emotions and anxieties aren't obvious but they usually are.

 

Well, there were a few instances where I voiced my worry, and that's when he says I worry too much. When I am 'internally crying', he usually doesn't notice. A few times I later would voice a concern and then he said he didn't realise, and that I should just talk to him about everything.

But then when I DO talk to him about my issues, such as the facbeook thing, ... he talks it down as if it was nothing... perhaps it is really nothing to him.. but the fact that it means something to me, and he doesn't acknowledge that, is perhaps the biggest issue I have at this point.

[Emilia]

Well, there were a few instances where I voiced my worry, and that's when he says I worry too much. When I am 'internally crying', he usually doesn't notice. A few times I later would voice a concern and then he said he didn't realise, and that I should just talk to him about everything.

But then when I DO talk to him about my issues, such as the facbeook thing, ... he talks it down as if it was nothing... perhaps it is really nothing to him.. but the fact that it means something to me, and he doesn't acknowledge that, is perhaps the biggest issue I have at this point.

Ok. It sounds similar to a girl in the office. She is dating someone who is definitely too different from her, their communication is terrible. Maybe he is too insensitive for you.

[Grumpybutfun]

If you are internally crying after three months of dating a 22 year old, you need to slow things down. He may have the maturity level of your grandpa, but he is still very young. At 27, you are probably looking forward to the future, and honestly, if he is, it is a little premature. Usually, we as people figure out who we are and what we want in our early twenties. FB discussions are innocuous to me....however, if you don't have complete transparency, I have to question if you two are on the same page. He may see FB as another way for you to nitpick him or maybe he doesn't want to share it because he thinks you won't last long. You said he doesn't want to call you his gf. Do you think maybe you are rushing things to your timetable and so you might think you are in an exclusive relationship, but he isn't sure of what he wants yet? Do you think he might want to just date casually and see where it goes and you are on a mission for exclusivity and LTR status?

Is it possible?

Grumps

Edited February 24, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Art_Critic]

I have 2 thoughts on this, one being he doesn't want his worlds to collide.. and I get that one and the other is that he is friends with some girls that he has back burnered and or ex's on his FB and that is the drama he doesn't want to ensue.

[lamaga]

If you are internally crying after three months of dating a 22 year old, you need to slow things down. He may have the maturity level of your grandpa, but he is still very young. At 27, you are probably looking forward to the future, and honestly, if he is, it is a little premature. Usually, we as people figure out who we are and what we want in our early twenties. FB discussions are innocuous to me....however, if you don't have complete transparency, I have to question if you two are on the same page. He may see FB as another way for you to nitpick him or maybe he doesn't want to share it because he thinks you won't last long. You said he doesn't want to call you his gf. Do you think maybe you are rushing things to your timetable and so you might think you are in an exclusive relationship, but he isn't sure of what he wants yet? Do you think he might want to just date casually and see where it goes and you are on a mission for exclusivity and LTR status?

Is it possible?

Grumps

 

 

Grumps,

we are boyfriend and girlfriend in an exclusive relationship. He is comfortable with being my boyfriend and open about it within our circle of friends, in school, with his family, and everything.

I don't think he is much of a casual dater. He has been in longterm relationships before, is very loyal and not one to do half-good-things.

I agree that I might progress a bit faster in this relationship, and yes, that might have to do with my age.

But this relationship is pretty great despite the problems I mention on LS, and I believe it has a lot of potential...

 

When I said that we should probably figure out/talk about our discrepancies he said "We don't have discrepancies. The only issue there is is that you sometimes want a bit more texting communication than I do, and that's ok, I am trying to fulfil that need of yours, and I think I am doing a good job. I think we are doing great."

He really doesn't know what's going on in my head most of the time. I think I might not be voicing most of my issues, and instead I come here to LS to see what my best next step could be.

I tend to overanalyse but I don't think that this guy and me are doomed to fail, we have a really great time together apart from the stuff I mention on here.

[lamaga]

I have 2 thoughts on this, one being he doesn't want his worlds to collide.. and I get that one and the other is that he is friends with some girls that he has back burnered and or ex's on his FB and that is the drama he doesn't want to ensue.

 

What do you mean with his world colliding?

[clia]

I think you need to take a step back and try to look objectively at your relationship, because the two of you are not on the same page based on your posts. You are off in one corner thinking about exclusivity, boyfriend/girlfriend labels, falling in love, declaring your love, etc. Meanwhile, he is in the other corner declining to even be friends with you on Facebook and refusing to put a label on your relationship. (Or is he now okay with you calling him your boyfriend? When did that change?)

 

I'm not a big Facebook person, but even I think this is not a good sign as to how he views your relationship. He is definitely not in love with you yet, so again -- do not start declaring your love for him because you will be disappointed.

 

Why do you think he doesn't want to be Facebook friends with you? I can't think of any logical reason that does not reflect poorly about how he feels about you. Here are some of the reasons I can come up with:

 

1. He does not yet know how long he wants you to be in his life, so keeping you off his Facebook is easier.

2. He doesn't want you tagging him or posting on his wall for any variety of reasons (such as, he is friends with other girls who he might be interested in and doesn't want to foreclose a relationship with them in the future).

3. He is not ready to let his whole Facebook world know about you.

4. He thinks you might freak out about some of his Facebook activity (i.e., jealousy reasons?)

5. He knows if he becomes friends with you, then you will start bothering him to change his relationship status and he doesn't want to do that yet.

6. He is not ready to be an official "couple" with you. This is consistent with his refusal to put a label on your relationship.

7. He is not serious about you and does not see a long term future with you.

 

That's off the top of my head.

 

I don't blame you for thinking it's weird and or being upset. I think it's weird, too. I would be unbelievably hurt if guy I was dating and having sex with refused to be my friend on Facebook, especially with all of the mutual friends and his activeness on the site. This is doubly so since he knows it's important to you. But, he doesn't care. Yeah...tread with caution, lamaga.

[MidwestUSA]

If I didn't know your history, I'd say yes, it's odd that he won't befriend you.

 

However, you pushed him about his communication style. Frequency of texting. Exclusivity. Boyfriend/girlfriend label. Guys don't like these talks. He's young and you haven't been together that long.

 

I think this is one thing he's holding onto stubbornly. He's picked a battle that he can win. He knows that the next issue will be declaring your relationship status on Facebook. Several people here have said you're going to drive this relationship into the ground with your constant need for the 'next thing'. I'd let him have this battle.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have to agree with Andy K - he's just not that into you.

 

Look at some of your thread titles from the past few months:

 

• He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be facebook-friends...
  
• I brought up the boyfriend issue... and he was REALLY weird!
  
• Best way to determine the relationship without scaring him away?
  
• he's been silent for two days - should i get in touch or wait?
  

 

Four months ago, I ended a relationship with a man I was over the moon about, who simply wasn't as into me as I was him. Always having to wonder how he felt, and maneuver things to get more affection, attention, and love from him was draining and insulting. That's why I ended it.

 

I've been on dates with two different guys since then, and each one of them has made it abundantly clear that they are into me, after just a few dates. I haven't had to worry about that for a moment. What a difference!! I went to an open mic with a new romantic prospect last night, and as soon as we got there, he took me around the pub and introduced me proudly to everybody there. He told me again, directly and clearly, that he's very attracted to me, he really enjoys my company, and he loves my singing voice. This cute old man came up and asked if we're married - my date is already giving off that protective, proud vibe of a guy who's crazy about his girl.

 

If a man really likes you and sees serious potential with you, he'll want to lock it down. Period. He won't want to leave a shadow of a doubt in your mind that he's serious and invested. If he's an active FB user, he will invite you to be FB friends. He will ask you to be his girlfriend and be proud to introduce you as such. You won't have to worry about scaring him away - on the contrary, you'd have to screw up big time to keep him away from you. He won't go silent on you - he'll never want you to feel neglected or lonely and risk some other guy stealing you away with his attention. There are lots of guys out there who would feel lucky to be with you, and would never leave you to wonder about that.

 

If you have to chase a man in any kind of way, if you want something serious with a guy who treasures you, you're wasting your time and energy. You have two choices in relationships - chase a man who isn't as excited about you as you are him, or be treasured by a man who is.

 

If a man isn't into you pretty early on, he never will be.

 

This relationship is going nowhere. Sorry.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[tlegend]

The last person that refused to make me facebook friends was using facebook and other online dating tools while in a relationship with me.

 

Anyone who doesn't want you to see what his social media says is doing it for a reason.

 

In your case, you've been together for a while and have many mutual friends.

 

Even if he didn't want to post anything regarding your relationship (status, pics of you, etc), he could still accept your friend request.

 

I just don't see any reason for him not to accept the request, truthfully.

[lamaga]

I have to agree with Andy K - he's just not that into you.

 

Look at some of your thread titles from the past few months:

 

• He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be facebook-friends...
  
• I brought up the boyfriend issue... and he was REALLY weird!
  
• Best way to determine the relationship without scaring him away?
  
• he's been silent for two days - should i get in touch or wait?
  

 

Four months ago, I ended a relationship with a man I was over the moon about, who simply wasn't as into me as I was him. Always having to wonder how he felt, and maneuver things to get more affection, attention, and love from him was draining and insulting. That's why I ended it.

 

I've been on dates with two different guys since then, and each one of them has made it abundantly clear that they are into me, after just a few dates. I haven't had to worry about that for a moment. What a difference!! I went to an open mic with a new romantic prospect last night, and as soon as we got there, he took me around the pub and introduced me proudly to everybody there. He told me again, directly and clearly, that he's very attracted to me, he really enjoys my company, and he loves my singing voice. This cute old man came up and asked if we're married - my date is already giving off that protective, proud vibe of a guy who's crazy about his girl.

 

If a man really likes you and sees serious potential with you, he'll want to lock it down. Period. He won't want to leave a shadow of a doubt in your mind that he's serious and invested. If he's an active FB user, he will invite you to be FB friends. He will ask you to be his girlfriend and be proud to introduce you as such. You won't have to worry about scaring him away - on the contrary, you'd have to screw up big time to keep him away from you. He won't go silent on you - he'll never want you to feel neglected or lonely and risk some other guy stealing you away with his attention. There are lots of guys out there who would feel lucky to be with you, and would never leave you to wonder about that.

 

If you have to chase a man in any kind of way, if you want something serious with a guy who treasures you, you're wasting your time and energy. You have two choices in relationships - chase a man who isn't as excited about you as you are him, or be treasured by a man who is.

 

If a man isn't into you pretty early on, he never will be.

 

This relationship is going nowhere. Sorry.

 

I can't apply most of what you said to my relationship. He is very open about being with me in the public. When we go out together he holds my hand, he kisses me, he puts his arm around me, he is openly affectionate on campus and around his friends as well as my friends, he puts effort into making dates with me, he sleeps over about 3 nights a week (my place is much nicer than his, but sometimes i also stay at his house), for my birthday he baked me a gluten free cake (knowing i have gluten intolerance), he also got me my favourite board game (risk) and for valentines day he insisted we spend it together, we cooked a meal and watched a rom-com - i was surprised he wanted to do all of that.

 

that's cool you went to an open mic with your beau. i am also a singer and am taking him to an open mic this week - he has been excited to see me sing on stage, so i am excited for that!

 

he has stated that he assumed i wasn't looking for anything serious and that this was the reason why we weren't getting closer on an emotional level - he said that he wanted to know me well and get closer, so here we are. he makes comments about the future- for example about how in the summer we are going to this and that, etc. when i asked him about how he feels talking about the future he said i shouldn't hold back and just talk to him about everything that is on my mind, and that i should never assume that he will not understand before having tried to talk to him about something. he keeps telling me i am the most amazing woman he has ever met. he gets along great with my roommate and her boyfriend and we double date a lot. we do a lot of double dating lately with friends who are also couples... so yeah, the past few weeks we have progressed a lot and i have felt more comfortable with him, being myself and saying things that i wouldnt have dared to say a month ago, because i know how guys can be. this is why i still am so bothered about the whole Facebook issue. everything else is going so well..

[Ruby Slippers]

I did the exact same thing in my last relationship. But he does THIS, and THAT. So I guess I shouldn't care that he doesn't do these other things that seem off, and make me feel sad and unappreciated.

 

My house has a great floor and solid windows. Who cares that there's no roof? I'm not getting rained on now - I'll worry about that when the next storm comes.

 

It's your call if you can live with these doubts and structural deficiencies. Many people settle for far less.

 

Personally, I'll never again be in a relationship with a guy who makes me wonder how he really feels about me.

[clia]

I can't apply most of what you said to my relationship. He is very open about being with me in the public. When we go out together he holds my hand, he kisses me, he puts his arm around me, he is openly affectionate on campus and around his friends as well as my friends, he puts effort into making dates with me, he sleeps over about 3 nights a week (my place is much nicer than his, but sometimes i also stay at his house), for my birthday he baked me a gluten free cake (knowing i have gluten intolerance), he also got me my favourite board game (risk) and for valentines day he insisted we spend it together, we cooked a meal and watched a rom-com - i was surprised he wanted to do all of that.

 

that's cool you went to an open mic with your beau. i am also a singer and am taking him to an open mic this week - he has been excited to see me sing on stage, so i am excited for that!

 

he has stated that he assumed i wasn't looking for anything serious and that this was the reason why we weren't getting closer on an emotional level - he said that he wanted to know me well and get closer, so here we are. he makes comments about the future- for example about how in the summer we are going to this and that, etc. when i asked him about how he feels talking about the future he said i shouldn't hold back and just talk to him about everything that is on my mind, and that i should never assume that he will not understand before having tried to talk to him about something. he keeps telling me i am the most amazing woman he has ever met. he gets along great with my roommate and her boyfriend and we double date a lot. we do a lot of double dating lately with friends who are also couples... so yeah, the past few weeks we have progressed a lot and i have felt more comfortable with him, being myself and saying things that i wouldnt have dared to say a month ago, because i know how guys can be. this is why i still am so bothered about the whole Facebook issue. everything else is going so well..

 

All of this...and yet he won't do something as simple as accept your friend request on Facebook. That should be an absolute no brainer for a guy who cares about you and wants a future with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the same guy who hesitated to call you his girlfriend, correct? With the other things you have posted about him, I think it's fair to say that you are really not on the same page in this relationship. Normally, I'd agree with many others that FB can be a source of unnecessary drama but given the history I have to say it's deeper than that here.

 

He said before he didn't think you were as into him as he was into you...so he refuses to accept a friend request sent by you? That makes no sense. He's contradicting himself. He's keeping you away for a reason. I don't necessarily think he's hiding something, but he wants to keep you at more of a distance. If you have plenty of mutual friends and they all know you're dating anyway, I simply can't see why he wouldn't accept a request from you. There's something more going on.

 

In my frank opinion, he isn't looking for something so serious yet. He wants his space and this is his way of doing it. Sure, he likes you and likes having you in his life right now. But I don't think he's as invested in you as you are in him. Sorry, OP. Re-read your posting history - there shouldn't be so much strife so early on.

[StanMusial]

The guy was too cheap and poor to put gluten in your cake. Next!

[Mrlonelyone]

Personally I think people put way to much into what they see on FB. FB is a communications tool, nothing more. It is a blog, with a private messaging app, and a photoalbum, + you can control who sees it. They choose to call it "friends".

 

It is not the solid record of anyone's full life, it is only what they want you to see of them. SO. Relationship status on FB is a total BS. I have never changed it from single and I don't even have it visible to anyone but friends so close they would know if I am in an R anyway.

 

Furthermore even blocking on FB is meaningless. My oldest sister blocked me because she did not like my post about genealogy. Yet we see each other every day in real life.

 

My last ex. I got to the point of meeting her whole family. We did all the things a couple does, while we were not friends on facebook.

 

Good God it is as if people have forgotten that relationships used to be private. Everyone and their uncle didn't need to know about a relationship until wedding bells rang.

 

All of that said.

 

 

Ugh Facebook...

 

Here's my take, and yes it's biased after an experience with my ex.

 

Last year, I began dating a guy after being in a serious relationship. He claimed he was never a big Facebook user, and rarely logged in. About two months in, I started joking about becoming Facebook friends. I joked I just wanted to creep his photos. He said he didn't want to become Facebook friends so he didn't have to look at old photos of me and my ex. (Fair point).

 

About two and a half months into our relationship I purged my Facebook of all photos of myself & my ex, and I even deleted photos from our trips that didn't even have the two of us in it. If you now look at my photos, you'd just think I've been single since the day I joined Facebook. I told this to my then-boyfriend so he'd know my Facebook was free of ex photos.

 

 

So again I joked about Facebook friends but he never wanted to be friends. He was adamant.

 

Slowly, other signs he was not ready to commit to me stated to surface. Other signs that he was a total relationship-phobe started to come out. (He would always joke about being "in like" and always talked about how marriage scares the hell out of him).

 

We broke up eight months in because he decided he preferred to be a selfish bachelor than to be in a relationship with me. He said he didn't have it in him to love someone and can never sustain a relationship.

 

 

My advice: this could be nothing, or it could be something. I know that's not definitive, but for me, the Facebook issue turned out to be indicative of something deeper with my ex. But if he shows other signs of not wanting to fully commit to you or open up, and you want commitment, you're going to have to walk.

 

 

 

When someone uses facebook but is that evasive about putting a significant other on there it is a bad omen. By it self it might not mean much. How they treat you and respect you or disrespect you is what matters in real life.

 

Like the above in the end we didn't work out and both started seeing others. I am at a place in life where I should want something long term, meaning for decades, while her idea of long term was making plans six months out. (Looking back if I did anything that pushed them away it was the mere suggestion that we would have the rest of our lives to figure this out.)

[FitChick]

I think he wants to be sure you are a solid couple. I recall you saying he was inexperienced and insecure so that may be it. DROP IT for now. Wait six months and ask again.

 

Are you a Virgo, by the way? They analyze things to death and are worriers by nature.

[lamaga]

I think he wants to be sure you are a solid couple. I recall you saying he was inexperienced and insecure so that may be it. DROP IT for now. Wait six months and ask again.

 

Are you a Virgo, by the way? They analyze things to death and are worriers by nature.

 

Hey FitChick, thanks for the input. I am actually a Pisces, and so is he.

[Chocolat]

I have to agree with Andy K - he's just not that into you.

 

Look at some of your thread titles from the past few months:

 

• He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be facebook-friends...
  
• I brought up the boyfriend issue... and he was REALLY weird!
  
• Best way to determine the relationship without scaring him away?
  
• he's been silent for two days - should i get in touch or wait?
  

 

 

Lamaga, in addition to what Ruby mentioned in her post, it seems that you repeat a cycle that goes like this:

 

You notice something is wrong in the r/s

You post about it

Others confirm that there is, indeed, something wrong or "off"

You refute their observations

 

Lather, rinse, repeat with the next thread.

 

Why?

[Ruby Slippers]

Lamaga, in addition to what Ruby mentioned in her post, it seems that you repeat a cycle that goes like this:

 

You notice something is wrong in the r/s

You post about it

Others confirm that there is, indeed, something wrong or "off"

You refute their observations

 

Lather, rinse, repeat with the next thread.

 

Why?

I did the same thing. Most people do.

 

You know something is wrong, you want to confirm you're not crazy for thinking something's wrong, and then when people confirm something is definitely wrong, you defend the infraction over and over again and insist that nothing's wrong.

 

I guess it's denial and false hope.