He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be facebook-friends...

[mammasita]

OP - I'm kind of on the fence.

 

You say he seems a bit jealous but hides it well, so I tend to think that not adding you is his protective mechanism. At the same time you've said he's younger so I'm hard pressed to be convinced that he's that self aware that he wouldn't add you because he knows he'll react negatively based on what he thinks he'll see.

 

Is he the type to be that self aware? I think if it were me I'd ask him if that was his reason.

[lamaga]

How old are you guys?

I got offended that my ex boyfriend took 6 months to change his relationship status. I knew he was lazy with FB so it didn't bug me too much.

 

But not even FB friends?? That's just strange - FB only causes dramas if he's up to something..it's almost saying like you're not even good enough to be his friend, let alone his GF.

 

I know people say he is right that it does cause drama but the fact he won't even accept you is a huge red flag for me.

 

I was hooking up with a guy once and I added him on FB - He never accepted me.. this was when FB was kinda new and myspace was still cool so I didn't really think much of it.. found out a few weeks later that he had a GF for four years.

 

How do you know he doesn't have another girl who he's doing the exact same thing with. FB is an easy way to get caught out.

 

Well, I am almost 100% sure he doesn't have another girl. We see each other almost every day, live a street apart, and we go to the same school and everybody knows we are together - his friends, his roommates, my friends... We have a lot of mutual friends in real life and since we started dating they even mix more. He was by my side at my birthday party, he baked me a cake, he got me my favourite board game, he always takes me out to fancy bars and restaurants even though he is a poor student, and he seems to be such a loyal and honest guy - at least he hasn't lied to my face yet, from what I can tell... He is always open and honest about everything, and I think he is that way especially because from the beginning on I have shown that I am a laid back, mature, confident young woman who he can have a relaxed and yet meaningful relationship with.

 

How old are we... Well, yes, I am much older. 5 years older. I just turned 27 and he is turning 22 in two weeks. However, he is highly intelligent and on a lot of levels more mature than most guys his age. I would say we meet somewhere in the middle, since I can be a little immature sometimes as well, and the age different hasn't bothered him much, he said, and I am mostly ok with it as well.

 

So of course, because things are going quite great, I still wonder why he can't add me on Facebook.

If i bring it up he always changes the subject. It's not like I bring it up constantly, maybe once or twice since we had that talk 2 months ago. And he just never takes me for full when I bring it up, as if he didn't know how important this issue is to me, and especially resolving the issue.

Edited February 24, 2014 by lamaga

[lamaga]

OP - I'm kind of on the fence.

 

You say he seems a bit jealous but hides it well, so I tend to think that not adding you is his protective mechanism. At the same time you've said he's younger so I'm hard pressed to be convinced that he's that self aware that he wouldn't add you because he knows he'll react negatively based on what he thinks he'll see.

 

Is he the type to be that self aware? I think if it were me I'd ask him if that was his reason.

 

 

Yes he is only turning 22 next month, and I am 27.

But he seems quite self aware. He is a bit more mature than most guys his age, everyone always thinks we are the same age or that he even is older than me, just by his looks and the way he articulates himself.

 

I would love to have another conversation with him about it, a conversation not just while standing in the doorway, but with sitting down and pressing the issue, but to be honest, I have no clue how to do that, how to approach the situation!

[Eggplant]

Lamaga, you're going to get hurt. He isn't obsessed with you to the same degree. He's not ready to even add you as a Facebook friend, or call you his girlfriend.

 

I'd back waaay off. Let him initiate, and mirror his behavior.

 

And the FB thing is a red flag -- and if I've learned anything from my mistakes, it's to take red flags extremely seriously, which is impossible probably since you're so happy with him.

 

Don't count your eggs until they're hatched. It's probably too late, though. I really hope for you it works out.

[lamaga]

Lamaga, you're going to get hurt. He isn't obsessed with you to the same degree. He's not ready to even add you as a Facebook friend, or call you his girlfriend.

 

I'd back waaay off. Let him initiate, and mirror his behavior.

 

And the FB thing is a red flag -- and if I've learned anything from my mistakes, it's to take red flags extremely seriously, which is impossible probably since you're so happy with him.

 

Don't count your eggs until they're hatched. It's probably too late, though. I really hope for you it works out.

 

eggplant, so you are under the impression i am in love and he isn't and that's the end of it?

[StanMusial]

Is this the 22 year old guy that won't call you his gf?

 

To be frank, I feel sorry for that guy. I hope you are getting your grievances out of your system on here and not nit-picking the guy to death.

[lamaga]

Is this the 22 year old guy that won't call you his gf?

 

To be frank, I feel sorry for that guy. I hope you are getting your grievances out of your system on here and not nit-picking the guy to death.

 

Please don't be pre-assumptious, I am well aware of how to scare away a guy, and I am putting a lot of effort into keeping this one. The reason I am on this forum is exactly that - so I don't need to bitch at him about everything that bothers me. He considers me to be a pretty amazing girlfriend, so I must do some things right.

[isisisweeping]

If he didn't want to list you as in a relationship yet and wanted to keep it private until there was some sort of permanence to it- I'd get that... but not even add you as a friend when he uses Facebook? When you requested it, so it clearly matters to you? That's weird.

[Tayken]

And the FB thing is a red flag -- and if I've learned anything from my mistakes, it's to take red flags extremely seriously,

 

Although am not on FB and don't plan to be anytime soon....all I can say to this is AMEN.

RED FLAGS

[SoonMyFriend]

Ugh Facebook...

 

Here's my take, and yes it's biased after an experience with my ex.

 

Last year, I began dating a guy after being in a serious relationship. He claimed he was never a big Facebook user, and rarely logged in. About two months in, I started joking about becoming Facebook friends. I joked I just wanted to creep his photos. He said he didn't want to become Facebook friends so he didn't have to look at old photos of me and my ex. (Fair point).

 

About two and a half months into our relationship I purged my Facebook of all photos of myself & my ex, and I even deleted photos from our trips that didn't even have the two of us in it. If you now look at my photos, you'd just think I've been single since the day I joined Facebook. I told this to my then-boyfriend so he'd know my Facebook was free of ex photos.

 

 

So again I joked about Facebook friends but he never wanted to be friends. He was adamant.

 

Slowly, other signs he was not ready to commit to me stated to surface. Other signs that he was a total relationship-phobe started to come out. (He would always joke about being "in like" and always talked about how marriage scares the hell out of him).

 

We broke up eight months in because he decided he preferred to be a selfish bachelor than to be in a relationship with me. He said he didn't have it in him to love someone and can never sustain a relationship.

 

 

My advice: this could be nothing, or it could be something. I know that's not definitive, but for me, the Facebook issue turned out to be indicative of something deeper with my ex. But if he shows other signs of not wanting to fully commit to you or open up, and you want commitment, you're going to have to walk.

[lamaga]

Ugh Facebook...

 

Here's my take, and yes it's biased after an experience with my ex.

 

Last year, I began dating a guy after being in a serious relationship. He claimed he was never a big Facebook user, and rarely logged in. About two months in, I started joking about becoming Facebook friends. I joked I just wanted to creep his photos. He said he didn't want to become Facebook friends so he didn't have to look at old photos of me and my ex. (Fair point).

 

About two and a half months into our relationship I purged my Facebook of all photos of myself & my ex, and I even deleted photos from our trips that didn't even have the two of us in it. If you now look at my photos, you'd just think I've been single since the day I joined Facebook. I told this to my then-boyfriend so he'd know my Facebook was free of ex photos.

 

 

So again I joked about Facebook friends but he never wanted to be friends. He was adamant.

 

Slowly, other signs he was not ready to commit to me stated to surface. Other signs that he was a total relationship-phobe started to come out. (He would always joke about being "in like" and always talked about how marriage scares the hell out of him).

 

We broke up eight months in because he decided he preferred to be a selfish bachelor than to be in a relationship with me. He said he didn't have it in him to love someone and can never sustain a relationship.

 

 

My advice: this could be nothing, or it could be something. I know that's not definitive, but for me, the Facebook issue turned out to be indicative of something deeper with my ex. But if he shows other signs of not wanting to fully commit to you or open up, and you want commitment, you're going to have to walk.

 

I am sorry to hear you were with such a douche, I have been with commitment-phobes in the past.

Even though my boyfriend has shown weird behaviour at times, I don't think he is scared of commitment, rather he is one of those guys who are in it for real or not at all, and I HOPE that for us this means we will eventually be very close and very happy together.. and that he just needs time to slowly build something with me. He was raised pretty conservative (in a European sense) and shares family values quite a lot. He talks a lot about "if i get married" or "if i had kids" or jokes about what car his wife should drive (in this case me). He is a bit macho but at the same time seems to value loyalty quite a lot.

So I doubt that this is going to happen to us.

[Eggplant]

eggplant, so you are under the impression i am in love and he isn't and that's the end of it?

I can't tell, and I wouldn't say that's the end of it. I think your feelings have progressed faster than his. This is common. Guys often take longer to get there emotionally. If he's going to get to where you are, he needs the space and freedom to do it at his pace, on his terms. Just remember that you two as a couple aren't there yet, and don't try to speed it up -- that will drive him away.

[Conners]

There is an underlying issue here no doubt. Just tell him it upsets you that he can't even accept you on FB as a friend.. because it clearly is upsetting you.

 

If he doesn't care enough to accept a bloody friend request to keep you happy what's the point.

 

If it was me, I wouldn't trust him.

[Conners]

Also I generally accept most friend requests on FB providing that i've met them before and I don't hate them.

 

The reason I would decline a person is

a) No idea who they are

b) Do not like the person

c) Girls who knew my ex boyfriend trying to lurk my profile

 

I would actually be so offended that he can't even acknowledge you as a friend on the site.

 

Also these days a lot of birthday/events/groups are organised on the site. Sadly enough it's one of the main forms of communication within friend groups.. sad but true. I would feel excluded if he can accept all his friends but not you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Most people are missing the point..as in "it's just Facebook". It's not really about Facebook, it's about the underlying issue behind this.

[Andy_K]

He's Just Not That Into You.

[Noproblem]

Facebook ruins things.

But the real reason

He doesn't want to add is because he's not sure yet

If you r the real deal or not.

[gaius]

I actually had a girl who would blow me but wouldn't add me to facebook. Go figure. I could never decide whether to be offended or not.

[SJC2008]

He was ambiguous when it came to being exclusive and now this. He may not be cheating but he's not nearly as invested as you are. IMO he sees you as his GF and you see him as your lover. You seem like a chaser and this is like crack for you.

[ChessPieceFace]

OP, stop obsessing over Facebook. Just take it as a small bit of circumstantial evidence and move on.

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bene]

It does seem strange because usually Facebook is not some exclusive small circle of selected friends. We are not talking about announcing relationship status on Facebook but simply adding a contact that can be unfriended any time when things go south. People have hundreds of Facebook friends, many of those they barely know (this is of course a whole another discussion).

 

It looks like he does not want to share some part of his life if he downright refuses the friend request. I find it odd considering that Facebook profile is a public persona not some deep dark inner secrets.

[irc333]

Wow, there are some people that actively shout from the rooftops their relationship status on Facebook, while others, surprisingly, have nothing to do with it.

 

It does look a bit embarrassing when someone , say after going from one year to the next boyfriend to boyfriend.

 

There's this one woman, that I know of that dated 2 men that changed her relationship status back and forth again. Each whom she dated per year for a year.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, he doesn't want to put his NOW gf on his profile. Can you imagine the discomfort, embarrassment if things don't work out with you? You are not a certainty and you represent someone(thing) that is much more private to him. I completely understand what he's saying.

 

I have a FB account and don't visit it often. I finally put a SINGLE pic of my gf on there even though we are soon to engaged. A single pic. Is this a sign that I have little confidence in my relationship? No. It's b/c I don't mix my important personal life with the day to day goings-on that I may share with my family and "friends" online.

 

The reality is that the ONLY reason why I even added that single picture was to let everyone know that I was dating and b/c I was ready for people to "see" who she is. Now everyone who visits my page knows, what she looks like and that's it. Otherwise, we are reasonably private about out relationship and only the people who need to know are more aware of our relationship and not via social media.

[Emilia]

You have 27 mutual friends, everyone knows you are dating, I don't think it's about hiding stuff, after all you would hear about it from the others. I think it's about your nitpicking everything to death. He doesn't want another source of grief.

[lamaga]

You have 27 mutual friends, everyone knows you are dating, I don't think it's about hiding stuff, after all you would hear about it from the others. I think it's about your nitpicking everything to death. He doesn't want another source of grief.

 

How do you know I nitpick things to death? I have been absolutely laid back with this guy and especially in the beginning I was more than reluctant to show that I am in this for the long term. He thought I didn't want to be 'serious' for a long while, until he told me so. I was not acting as if I am progressing faster than him at any point. The Facebook thing came up when we weren't even serious yet. So I doubt that your suggestion is the problem here.

[Emilia]

How do you know I nitpick things to death? I have been absolutely laid back with this guy and especially in the beginning I was more than reluctant to show that I am in this for the long term. He thought I didn't want to be 'serious' for a long while, until he told me so. I was not acting as if I am progressing faster than him at any point. The Facebook thing came up when we weren't even serious yet. So I doubt that your suggestion is the problem here.

From your posts here. I don't know why people think they come across differently in real life than they do here. You question everything all the time. I'm pretty sure he isn't blind to notice.