Oh my gawd I read the journal

[dyermaker]

Motherhood forced me to sit down and read it cover to cover.

No way.

[ImKris]

LadyJane, What a great suggestion to have Dad take the time to talk to her. He's just so nervous and doesn't have my tenacity to go at her the way I do. He's scared I 'm afraid. I've talked with him about all this , yet until he heard from HER mouth that she had been to third base, thats when he really stood in and said, "ENOUGH" He focused on the act of her being Proud. It was effective except that she needed something MORE at that moment. She needed just to be heard I believe. We're good parents, I really believe this, we're always there for her and we're always listening to her. I happen to understand that I wasn't listening as well I thought i was though a different site online. In case your wondering it is called, healthyplace.com/communities/relationships/grossman/parenting. I have since gave this site to five of my friends because I believe there is a concept to it that we can all relate to.

 

Once I read this essay I found a way inside myself to be a better listener. It actually will stay with me for ever more now. It calmed me down to effect the response I needed to see from my daughter and it allowed me to hear what she needed to say. To understand it.

 

QUOTE: It's your expectations that set the parameters for appropriate behavior.

 

I want to keep my expectations high so she will work to meet them but not to the point where she's drowning.

 

As a divine intervention, I have engaged the help of family and friends our daughter has always admired and respected.

 

The C. sisters who are 2 years older than her, her favorite cousin K., who is a yr. and 1/2 older than her and whom our daughter has always idolized, her friend, J. who is in in her everyday world. They have an idea of where our daughter is at right now in her life because they all have shared the same experiences and decision making and they all agreed to be confidant and discreet and talk to her. I am putting faith in them because she has this belief that what THESE people say is gospel truth.

I'll let you know what happens. Thanks for your support.

[einahpets]

don't forget that kids (especially her age), tend to exagerate when it comes to experience with the opposite sex. what your husband heard may very well not be the whole truth. kids say things to impress their friends all the time.

[RowanRavyn]

First of all...do something nice for yourself ASAP.

 

Being a parent involves a lot of intuition. Deep down, you know your daugther better than just about anyone. You have given her all this information about her changing body, you have given her the gift of understanding what is happening to her. It is normal for her to explore that, to be curious. Maybe she has been reading smutty novels, and she is mimicking what she read in her journal.

 

I think the advise to take her to the doctor to get on the pill is a good one. Set her up for her first pelvic. If she is ready to behave like a young woman, then its time she experiences the responsibility that goes with it. (and the discomfort) Have the doctor talk to her about STDs, birth control, etc. Let the doctor go over the risks of pregnancy as a teenager. I would even go so far as to let her speak to the doctor alone. This gives her a feeling of privacy and control, and she is hearing this from a medical professional, not her mom.

 

Make this about the lie. Not about the sex. I would ground her for lying. That is unacceptable. Are you friends with the other girls mom? Could she be an alli for you? Could you set up for her to do some community service for her lie? Like...babysitting at a DV shelter or something like that.

 

The next thing I would do, after you have disciplined her for the lie, educated her on the risks and responsibility of being sexually active, is that I would buy her a new journal, one with a lock. There is part of me that almost wonders if she left it out on purpose, perhaps to test you. Perhaps out of guilt for lying in the first place, or maybe so that she could get caught and have mom be the bad guy so she wouldn't have to be "lame" (In her friends eyes) for not participating in such things.

 

You guys need a heart to heart when the dust settles. Clearly establish some boundaries. She can't take back lying, and you can't take back snooping. All either of you can do is move forward from this point.

[ImKris]

RowanRavyn, When this all began last weekend and I confronted it, I did tell her she needed to go on the pill and that I was going to make a doctors appointment for her. This HORRIFIED her. She immediately dismissed this idea for herself. She scream how she was only 14 and too young to have sex. She swore she wasn't ready for it and that I was a awful for suggesting it.

 

I have focused on the lie and the remarkable thing is, without discussing it, she has grounded herself. She is not taking as many phone calls and she is not making any plans with anyone. She has only gone to work and come home. Things are gonna be OK. I feel strong that she did feel out of control and did need me to step in for her.

 

QUOTE: There is part of me that almost wonders if she left it out on purpose, perhaps to test you. Perhaps out of guilt for lying in the first place, or maybe so that she could get caught and have mom be the bad guy so she wouldn't have to be "lame" (In her friends eyes) for not participating in such things.

 

I really believe your right.

 

Thanks for the support! :-)

[RowanRavyn]

Remeber to do something nice for yourself, its been a stressful week.

[Solana]

It sounds like things are starting to settle down a bit, but here is my two cents anyway.

 

Your daughter's reaction to going on the pill, going to the doctor, etc. could have just been embarrassment. Or (hopefully) it could be genuine.

 

What I would do is sit down and say, "Hey, as much as I hate to admit it, I realize that when and where you decide to have sex for the first time is ultimately your decision. But there are three things I hope you will consider very seriously before taking that step. First, make sure the person you are doing it with is a person you're going to think about 20 years from now and say, "I'm so glad he was the one." Second, make sure the location is someplace respectful. Nobody wants to spend the rest of his/her life knowing that the first time they had sex was in the back seat of a car with a seatbelt buckle sticking them in the back. Finally, give her the address and phone number of the nearest Planned Parenthood and tell her that you hope when she decides to take that step, she'll do the responsible thing and put herself on a reliable method of birth control. And then remind her that if they are even doing anything *close* to sex, it is possible for her to get pregnant or get an std, so precautions are necessary.

 

Wind it up by telling her that you trust her judgement and that you know she'll make the right choice for her when the time comes. And that if she ever needs help or has a question, you'll do your best to answer her in a non-judgemental fashion.

 

S.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by ImKris

RowanRavyn, When this all began last weekend and I confronted it, I did tell her she needed to go on the pill and that I was going to make a doctors appointment for her. This HORRIFIED her. She immediately dismissed this idea for herself. She scream how she was only 14 and too young to have sex. She swore she wasn't ready for it and that I was a awful for suggesting it.

 

I have focused on the lie and the remarkable thing is, without discussing it, she has grounded herself. She is not taking as many phone calls and she is not making any plans with anyone. She has only gone to work and come home. Things are gonna be OK. I feel strong that she did feel out of control and did need me to step in for her.

 

QUOTE: There is part of me that almost wonders if she left it out on purpose, perhaps to test you. Perhaps out of guilt for lying in the first place, or maybe so that she could get caught and have mom be the bad guy so she wouldn't have to be "lame" (In her friends eyes) for not participating in such things.

 

I really believe your right.

 

Thanks for the support! :-)

 

I still think you need to put her on the pill, and you need to schedule a gynelogical exam. If she gets into the habit of doing things right now, when she DOES have sex, she'll be protected from unwanted pregnancy.

[Barby]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I still think you need to put her on the pill, and you need to schedule a gynelogical exam. If she gets into the habit of doing things right now, when she DOES have sex, she'll be protected from unwanted pregnancy.

 

 

Exactly and her being scared at the idea, maybe if you do make her go through going to the Dr and getting on the pill, it will help her to realize that in fact she is NOT ready. She is scared at the idea so maybe her actually going will re-affirm the fact that she's NOT ready and help her to stay away from sexual activity, at least for awhile.

 

 

And as Spock said if indeed she happens to do something, she will be protected from unwanted pregnancy! (and hoping she'd use a condom for std's, she'd be protected x2).

[CurlyIam]

I'm not a mom and I'm 24, but I'll tell you what I think.

 

I think you're aproching this form a wrong pov. You treat sex as a separate thing, like if she feels like smootching, she simply calls her bf. That's wrong. There are a lot of mixed up feelings, like desire and feeling scared, feeling in control and feeling like a baby in the same time. It's wrong to try to make her be or feel acountable for what she did, because she's incapable of doing so. When you're talking to her about sex she'a genuinely telling you "No way". Yet, when she's with this boy, her instincts may tell otherwise. She is confused and mixed up. The genuine definition of a teenager.

 

 

What I think you're forgetting here: explaining her the consequences of her act. Don't get into the "getting pregnant" poesie. This is the Boogie Man and you don't reason in these terms, since there's always the condom, safe period, good luck charms etc etc . The thing is you, as an adult, are separating sex from love. From a relationship. From feelings. From instinct. Teen agers don't. It's like a whole.

 

Talk to her about that, not about STDs. All teenager males (sorry for generalisation) the are mostely into sex and havin' fun, not into respecting eachothers feeling. Girls are dfferent. What if the "bf" after getting it, not only tells everyone but makes her look like a wh**re? What if once he's getting it, he's just not interested? Did she consider that while letting the boy all over herself?

 

 

These are things that a woman has to face everyday. The main diference is that when you're 20 (older) you take it differently. You are more in control. You can deal with it differently. IT's not so much the sex per se but what the sex means to your daughter and how it can affect her life.

 

 

Beside the "fun", does she trust him? Does she know him? Can she take rejection? Is she strong enough to deal with the implications of a sexual relationship - sexual relationship meaning only touching, not even sex, oral sex, etc.

 

Tell her that this has a potential to destroy her life. Getting your attention to a boy, bad grades, affecting college, long term stuff... Sorry, it may sound like an exageration, but they are all intertangled. MAke her see the big picture. What she wants to do. Where she wants to go.

 

 

 

I think and make her attend a physical exam is bad idea. At some point, Kris, you HAVE to acknowledge that she is a woman also. A little woman. With her right to her intimity. Make her talk to a gynecologist and prescribe her a receipt. So when she wants to start her sex life, she'd be able to do it. This way you let her have a say. A choice. You allow her to feel a little bit in control. I mean, if she feels like getting laid, she can tell you sh's off buying bread and it's a done deal. Literally, Kris, you CANNOT control her, make her, oblige her not to have sex.

 

Trust me, she's a good kid. Yeah, she lied. Most teenagers lie. So what? She's a kid, a teenager, she's human. She's not the first or the last to have curiosities, Kris. Don't expect wonders. Stop expecting her to be perfect. She f*cked up your trust. Ok. Bad bad girl. Ok.Worse things could have happened. Life goes on. If you keep this little police attitude, you'll totally alienate her from you. She didn't kill no one. She simply tested the waters. She failed you. most probably, she will fail you again. She's still your daughter and you still love her and want to help her.

 

 

 

Kris... forgive her and trust her again. It will change your relationship with her. Stop thinking "oh, she's 14!!!". So? Each person is different. Accept her independence. Accept her freedom so that you can have a form of control. Reason with her. Explain her why you worry. Talk to her. Be more empathetic.

 

That's how I see it, anyway.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

Curly

[Ladyjane14]

I have to disagree about the prospect of putting a fourteen year-old on birth control pills.

 

Every medication has at least some side effects. If the medication in question in unnecessary, then why risk it? Hormonal medications have the potential to produce mood swings....probably not what you need when dealing with an already hormonal, moody teenager. There also the possibility of blood pressure concerns.

 

Besides, oral medications don't offer any protection against STD's. Even without consideration to the STD's which are potentially fatal, there are soooo many others that can have long-term health consequences, some resulting in infertility.

 

I'm not certain why it's not okay to tell a child, sex is not allowed at this time.

 

I often wish that I had been provided that kind of intervention at 14. If my parents had a clue where I was half the time, there's a whole lot of things that I might have done differently.

 

You might have been referring to me as Madam President by now!

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I have to disagree about the prospect of putting a fourteen year-old on birth control pills.

 

Every medication has at least some side effects. If the medication in question in unnecessary, then why risk it? Hormonal medications have the potential to produce mood swings....probably not what you need when dealing with an already hormonal, moody teenager. There also the possibility of blood pressure concerns.

 

Besides, oral medications don't offer any protection against STD's. Even without consideration to the STD's which are potentially fatal, there are soooo many others that can have long-term health consequences, some resulting in infertility.

 

I'm not certain why it's not okay to tell a child, sex is not allowed at this time.

 

I often wish that I had been provided that kind of intervention at 14. If my parents had a clue where I was half the time, there's a whole lot of things that I might have done differently.

 

You might have been referring to me as Madam President by now!

 

Wrong. It's a perfect time to put them on B/C. The side effects of the pill are worse if you'r e mid thirties and up. It's not a permission slip for fornication if you're intelligent about it. Birth Control will regulate her period, lessen cramps (many, many teenage girls go on it soley for that reason).

 

The part about educating your children about sex needs to include condoms as well-the pill is just a basic preventative measure. And a smart one too. I often wish that more mothers would put their daughters on birth control rather than just hope they'll be smart about things.

[CurlyIam]

I've changed my bc pills three times in one year. The first one gave me huge mood swings, the second gave me the appetite of an elephant.

 

There is such a thing as a bc method for everyone.

 

If you were the government, I'd agree that a law on putting all teens on bc would prevent teenage pregnancies.

 

Each year approximately one million U.S. teenagers become pregnant — 11 percent of all women aged 15-19 and 20 percent of those who are sexually active (AGI, 1998).

 

 

About 40 percent of American women become pregnant before the age of 20 (Annie E. Casey Foundation, 1998

 

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/pp2/portal/medicalinfo/teensexualhealth/fact-pregnancy-teens-us.xml

 

If you trust your daughter, fine. If you look at the numbers... they tell another story.

[HokeyReligions]

Kris, it sounds like you are handling things well. Only you really know your daughter and what will work with her. I began talking to my kids about drugs, drinking, and sex when they were around nine years old. At age 12 I asked each of them to sign a contract with me. The contract said that if they were ever out and engaged in drug use or drinking, or they had a negative sexual experience that they needed a way out of, they would call me to come and get them and make sure they were OK. My part of the contract was that I would not blow up or be angry or condemn them, and that I would be understanding. It was a trust issue with us and it gave all of us a sense of control over our own decisions. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing to discuss at times, and we discussed everything more than once.

 

My daughter had a diary too and I promised I would never go looking for it. She left it out once, open, and I did read it. It contained some information about shop lifting that her friends were planning on. She denied it, but I think she did leave it out on purpose. She didn't want to lose face with her friends and didn't know how to handle the situation. she was 12 - it was a few months before she died. I kept her home the day that they had planned and for several shopping trips she would have taken with the girls. I also wrote a letter to a friend of ours about how I was concerned about some of her behaviors and how I wished I could tell her exactly what to say in a given situation. I left that letter out where she could find it. I don't know if she ever realized it was on purpose, but I do know she read it. It made more of an impact on her than if I had told her directly.

 

Perhaps you could construct a privacy contract with your daughter. You can agree to abide by the terms that both of you work out together. She can outline her expectations of you, and vice versa. Both keep a copy and both abide by it. If you want it to include anything about sex, it can contain things that pertain only to safe sex and not necessarily feelings, because as easy as it to say that we are in control of our own feelings -- you know there are times when we are not. It might be a way for you both to move forward building a new trust between you.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by ImKris

Just so you know, I have talked to her about sex since she was seven years old. I gave her book after book pertaining to her age. The latest book I just gave her was, "He's just not that into you" because I don't want her to think she's less than deserving of a fair shake in a relationship. I thought my last post was lengthy so I didn't go into the fact that in this journal she wrote that this boy was told by his girlfriend that she may be pregnant. THESE KIDS ARE 14!!!!! Ok, so then she writes that she asked this boy if he'd had sex with the other girl in the mall bathroom and that he replied he hadn't. She tells him how she knows otherwise and he says he's sorry! (and trust me LS advisors, when I said my girl could be a professional porn writer, I meant it. Every little thing was in there, described to the detail as though she was literally speaking to someone, and reliving every aspect of it.) Then she allows a make out session to happen in the mall at a store called Cambridge Sound Works where there's a TV and couch in the back room. I was taken back, truly.

 

I'm not ignorant, nor did I fall off a bus last Wednesday. I know full well what happens during the teen years. This isn't about her starting already, (although it hurts, especially since she knows I had a baby at 15 and that we just met her two years ago.) This about the trust that I believe I have lost because of her deceiving ways. This is about what a wonderful young woman she has the potential of becoming if she's careful and thoughtful to herself and I can't trust that she is. This is about not knowing how to forgive her friends, trust the people in her life, trusting her, etc.

 

I've known the girlfriend who went in with my daughter since they were tots. I can't believe that the two of them had so little regard for me. Especially my daughter. She did this for the selfish reason of getting what she wanted and it didn't matter what she had to do to get it.

 

I didn't read all the replys. I got this far and felt the need to reply.

 

I was 16, and wasn't allowed to talk to boys on the phone. So I'd sneak and call them when my parents were asleep. After only a month of that, I got caught, and my mom went NUTS wondering what all I'd done behind her back. She put a tape recorder on the phone to record every conversation for Goodness sakes. She went psycho on me for doing something behind her back. She didn't believe me when I told her that all I'd done with these boys was TALK to them. All two of them

 

But any ways, around the time that I turned 21 (she still hadn't let up on me) I ran off and got married...way to fast just to get the heck away from her. And now, she and I are VERY close.

 

So if all you're worried about is that you thought your little girl was 'different' than every other little girl in the world, wake up. She's exactly the same. Boys (no matter what kind of trash they are) are gold, and parents are trash.

 

When she gets older and out on her own, she'll be your loving little girl again. I did. My mom and I had a HORRIBLE relationship from the time she caught me on the phone with a boy, to the day I got married. So don't lose sleep over losing a loving relationship with your little girl. It'll be back.

 

I would take her phone priveleges, and not let her hang out with friends, until she has the means to take care of a baby. When she has a job, and a car, and can raise a baby without your help, THEN she can do what she wants, because she is going to end up pregnant at this rate.

 

Oh yeah....put her on birth control, because she's a little liar, and even if you're (forgive me) dumb enough to beleive her when she says something like this won't happen again, it will.

[FolderWife]

See! This is why I don't see the point in parenthood. I'd end up being just like every other mother, and think that MY baby is different, and then when he/she is a teenager, I'd be in for a rude awakening!

 

I mean, what age is good?

0-1 Screaming, pooping baby

1-3 Little whining brat

3-6 A new question every five minutes

6-11 It's all about me, and when I don't get my way I get pissed. Who cares if you wanna watch Soaps, I wanna watch Hey Arnold!

11-13 Boys are cute, and my mom is an idiot.

13-18 Screw what my mom thinks, she's stupid, and I'm going to do whatever I want, and she'd better not get in the way. She's too stupid to know or find out what I do behind her back.

18-23 Mom, I need money for condoms, so My drug addicted boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't give me his STD

23-45 Yeah, Mom, I would visit you, but I have a family of my own now.

45-50 *sigh* Mom's in the hospital again...guess we have to go visit her...I think it's time to put her in a home.

 

What age is GOOD!?

 

*sorry, didn't mean to go so far*

[RecordProducer]

Before I write anything, I want to say that I am a mother of two boys.

In order to win a battle, you need to know your strengths and weaknesses as well as those of the other party. Looking at any problem from only one side brings no results. Before you continue reading this post, please make a decision as a parent whether you want your kids to do it your way or their way.

They will do it their way anyway, but you - as supposedly the smarter one - should make their way be as closest to yours as possible. In other words, no matter how much you hate the thought of it, your children are physically separate individuals and they do bring decisions, although you think that they don't have the right to do it. Whatever they decide to do, they should feel like it's their own decision.

The battle atmosphere is usually created by the parents. They feel let down by their children and start the whole hysteria. Some children withdraw in front of their parents' resentment; some fight for their "rights", and some run away from home or do exactly the opposite of what they are expected to do.

You are afraid to let your child make a certain step and fall into an abyss. Therefore you should engage all your strengths and prevent them from falling.

When you start a war with your child, she or he has lost your confidence and thus everything you say is considered wrong and untrue. You are standing at different points and things look different to each of you. In order to make your child see things the way you see them, you need to move to his or her side and drag him slowly to your side, without him or her even noticing what happened.

In this particular case, the mother should have used what she discovered in order to strengthen, and not weaken, her position (which is precisely what she did, which resulted in losing her control over the child completely).

She should have never let her daughter found out that she read her diary and uncovered her lies. Instead, she could have talked to her about sex and gotten out with a compromise about her actions in the future.

My friend's father asked her to promise him that she will not lose her virginity before age 18. She kept her promise. Moreover she has had only two relationships in her life, out of which one (the first) was not very serious. However, it had a certain price. She is only 19 and she already got engaged. The lack of love (and sexual) experience made her fall in love easily and decide to marry the first guy who showed affection.

Some parents have a problem with realizing that their children are becoming sexual creatures while playing with gameboys at the same time. Blame mother nature for that, but not your children!

Dreaming and fantasizing about sex and romance is innocent. A teenager has an irresistible desire to be loved in a romantic (and erotic) way. When a parent attempts to stand in the way to his or her desires, not only the child is hit by a lightening out of the blue, but a huge distance between the parent and the child takes place right away.

Teenagers need two things that are extreme ends, but should make a balance: privacy and protection. When one of those two ends is pulled harder than the other, the balance is disturbed and the child becomes unpredictable.

The teenager's psyche is very fragile and should be treated like a soap bubble that can blow up at any moment.

Talk to your children in a friendly way! Explain to them what sex is from their point of view. They have a right to know what the people who they love most think about it. They need to feel supported, but also protected. Talk about their boyfriends or girlfriends as if you're best friends. You should be best friends!

By yelling at them, you are not protecting them. You make them vulnerable. You abandon them; that's how they see it from their point of view, although the truth is that you only want to protect them from the pain.

If a 14-year old girl's boyfriend knows that her parents disallowed her to have sex with him, but she agrees to it, it means that whatever he does to her will be a secret from the "authorities." He may well drag her into a position to do whatever he wants knowing that her parents will not find out about it. If, on the contrary, he knows that her parents are supporting her and are always on her side, he will think twice before taking advantage of her, bragging about doing her at school or treating her bad in any aspect. She has two worlds - her family's and her own. She resides in both of them. If you take your world away from her, you will leave her alone in her own world. She will feel lonely and unprotected and will be more prone to letting other people in her world. Those other people will replace your role, not by yelling at her, but by using manipulative means to make her do whatever they want her to do.

Finally, starting with sex early may bring them pain or may not, but the lost connection with their parents at such a delicate age will leave scars on their souls forever.

[ImKris]

RecordProducer,

 

It's been awhile since I looked at this post for replys. I just read your opinion and, Wow! I appreciate the insight and thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

It's April now and so far so good with my daughter.

 

We are touch and go but, for the most part I am focusing on loving her the best I can one day at a time since I discovered how sensitive she is at her age. I trust she knows the difference between right and wrong for the most part and I realized I needed to loosen the ambilical cord by a few feet, not mere inches. Yet, I always hope somewhere in her head and her heart she will know that there is no place like home and her father and I have her back like no one ever will. I think that's natural because after all, we're mom and dad forever and ever.

 

And just for the record, I learned that I am tougher on myself as a parent than I am on her as a teen.

 

I'm very proud of Sam, she is a wonderful young girl.

 

Thanks again

[A dad & husband]

Wow. I just got on the pc after one of my daughters had used it & apparently left the LS site up so I read through the replies. I was very impressed & actually moved to tears by how intelligent, articualte, strong, passionate, loving & communicative you were. I know those are in fact all qualities of many women, including my own wife. We have had these same issues to deal with concerning our daughters (H.S. - college ages) and sometimes things are the same & other times they are different like soo many other issues in life. There are many ideas on how to deal w/ various issues, including raising kids, but, there are no certainties on the outcomes. It takes intelligence (both the collectable kind & the intellectual kind), thoughtfulness, courage, strength & love. Anyway, I don't know if any of you will ever read this, but I just wanted to say I think your doing just great at wrestling w/ these issues for your kids & everyone elses best interest & I wish more people did. The world might be a better place. I will keep you in my mind & heart when I am home doing the same as you or while on patrol trying to resolve other issues as well. VERY GOOD JOB LADIES!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

 

A dad & cop.