Here it goes

[smk2006]

So I've been lurking on this message board for while. I've been trying to gather advice from the various experiences people have posted. You'll forgive me if the details are mixed up. It's late and I've been self medicating.

 

Years ago I was married. We had dated in college. She was working at a bar while going to the state school and I was at the private college. I was never great with women and she was probably the most attractive one that ever talked to me. We got married soon after graduation. We even moved back to her hometown so that we could be near her family while I had to commute to my job in the city. It was my first job and between the long hours and the commute, we did not see each other as much as we used to in college, but I still felt that our relationship was solid. Meanwhile, she had started working part time for a "family friend" who's son was an ex. Then one night she left her email account open and I came across some pretty explicit messages between her and the ex who was still living in town. He was working for his parents contracting company and living with his baby moma. Pretty much still the dumb jock who was getting fat now that his playing days were over. It turned out that the two of them had started seeing each other for several months. To this day I can still remember that horrible feeling reading through emails where she said she always felt that they had a connection that couldn't be broken, how alive she felt with him, how his parents loved her and couldn't always thought they were a good match, and how he said he was impressed with her education. Reading this just brought out rage. Rage that I did not ever know I had within me. Now I have always been more of a planner. This was before the days of keylogger, but I did have her email password. Over the next couple of days I went through her account gathering evidence of their affair. And then I stumbled onto emails detailing the company's financial situation and bids for upcoming contracts. Between the rage and the pain I felt that the only solution was to retaliate. Not just against her but him as well. I wanted then to hurt as bad as I hurt and decided to scorch the earth.

 

At the same time I was referred by my boss to go see "his" divorce lawyer. He had gone through something similar before and was pretty supportive. Giving me during the day to visit the lawyer and start putting things in motion. I had already decided that I didn't want to reconcile. Not after being lied to for so long. Like I was some sort of "acceptable long term investment" while she had fun with this guy. I mean here I was living in suburbia and commuting to the city while most of my friends were living it up in the city. All so that she could be close to her family/friends. Here I was commuting almost 2 hours a day to cookie cutter suburbia.

 

We didn't have much in assets and the time. In fact I had just taken out loans for business school that was to start in the fall. I wanted a quick end to this sham of a marriage. With my bosses inspiration I started finding her company's competitors. I arranged for those emails and documents of their bids/plans. I figured that with the in a cash crunch from over expansion, the loss of the business would cause extra stress. I won't lie, the extra work during these days kept me busy as I planned how I was going to expose them all. But more than that it was a gradual process of seizin back control. It was probably one of the most difficult times for me as I had to pretend when I was around her that I wasn't disgusted by her presence. I had been played for a fool and now I had to play a fool for a little longer for my retaliation.

 

I'm not going to lie. When d-day came it was like awesome. I had her served at work in front of all her co workers. I had the emails delivered to his baby moma. Detailing all their feelings for each other. And last of all I had the financial documents delivered to their competitors. I had packed up most of my essentials and left the apartment that afternoon. One of my coworkers offered to let me stay at his place. What I would have given to see their faces when the packages were delivered. I turned my phone off knowing that it would be ringing that day. I let everything go to voice mail. I decided to let then stew in all this.

 

The next day I listened to the messages. I'd be lying if didn't admit that I felt a fair degree of satisfaction initially as I heard her sobbing apology, that finally she felt a measure of pain that I did. There were also messages from the ex begging for me to explain to his baby moma that it was all a misunderstanding. That the emails were fabricated, how he would never contact her again, and that he didn't want to lose custody or pay alimony. He threw under the bus in his confession. I'm not going to lie, after being down since discovering this affair this new power was like a drug.

 

I didn't stop. I took a record of the his confession and sent it to my wife. Showing her just how much he 'cared' for their future together. I also called him back and basically told him I didn't give a damn if he lost custody of his kid and that I would be more concerned about having income to pay alimony in the coming days. Hinting that there was more to come. With her I told her that we're through and I had no intention of ever seeing her again. I directed her talk to my attorney for any further communication. And as a final screw you I also informed her that I had mailed a copy if the emails to her parents. Actually I hadn't, but I felt like forcing her to have to break to news about why we were getting divorced.

 

Well fast forwarding through. I got the divorce I wanted. What little we had she got since I didn't want any reminders of this marriage. He and his baby moma broke up and he was on the hook for child support payments. Payments he couldn't afford because soon after the company began losing one bid after another to various competitors. Unable to get enough cashflow they were put under significant financial stress. Several years later during the crash they seccumbed to bankruptcy. It was probably the last measure of entertainment I got when I found out from some friends. As for myself, I moved on to business school. That was my therapy. It was like a 2 year party to relive those years I lost being married. Between the parties and school I was able to stay busy .

 

When I came out to work after graduation, I found that keeping busy at work was a way to deal with what had happened. I also moved across the country, then to another country, then back to this country in career. My dedication/work ethic was great for my career, not so much for the rest of my life. To a certain degree. I felt that this episode had been buried.

 

Then last week I was at a wedding of an old college friend and I ran into my now ex-wife. In fact she was seated at the same table as mine. She was a last minute substitute date with a girlfriend of hers. Initially you could have cut the tension in the too with a knife. As the night progressed things lightened and we begab reminiscing. As the others left we continued to talk. Perhaps this was the talk we Should have had years ago. But it really unlocked a lot. I never went to counciling during of after the divorce. Looking back I now wish I had. I also wish I had this message board. Looking back the divorce unleashed a side of me that I never knew existed and effect has continued on until this day. We are both living in the same city now. In fact she bartends near my office and most evenings when I work late, which is most evenings, I stop by for a drink/chat on the way home. Such as this evening. In some ways she is one of he few remaining links I have to my former self, one that I miss somedays. I'm not saying that we are reconciling. But I feel that when I am with her I can revert to the old self and occasionally both of us are who we used to be. Does this even make sense ?I'm no sure if it is the scotch or sleep deprivation talking at this hour..

[i am gutted]

Holy Cow! as they say, revenge is sweet......hope you doing better now

[BeholdtheMan]

Does this even make sense ?I'm no sure if it is the scotch or sleep deprivation talking at this hour..

 

It's the scotch and sleep deprivation talking

 

Hitting back actually gains you respect in the eyes of those who mistook you for easy prey. You were decisive, methodical, and in control. You struck hard and without mercy. It might be an unpleasant side of your personality but it's a side every man should have.

[road]

Nice fiction writing. The part where a lover sends your WW emails that contain his bid information is where you went to far and gave up your game.

[No Limit]

Personally, I'm vengeful too - but these days I try to be patient and let karma take over. What a great life your ex might have had with baby moma, well, until his true intentions would have been revealed, that is.

[Spark1111]

I think your reaction is normal; to hurt deeply those who hurt you deeply.

 

And I agree revenge is a double-edged sword; If you don't exact it, you can feel powerless and if you do, in time, it can feel cruel.

 

But you sound lonely and your life is out of balance. Unless you open up and become vulnerable again, you will continue to put all your passion into work and that's no way to live.

 

It IS time to go to IC and sort out all those feelings regarding the infidelity and divorce...so you can move onto a happy future.

 

Good luck to you.

[veritas lux mea]

how sad for the girlfriend and her child. I am glad she got to know but it made me ill to think someone could let their hurt pride and feelings destroy a child's future or at least put it at risk. If I was your ex wife and my husband had went that far there is no way in hell I'd ever talk to him again unless he did his own soul searching and changes. And checked out to see how the child was doing financially.