I Hate My Ring

[Janesays]

No because that plan is built on deception. You're encouraging her to lie to him. Why start a marriage on deceit?

 

 

How is it a lie? White gold is her taste, so I assume it matches her other jewelry. And I, a real living person, just advised her to reset it so it won't get scratched or ruined.

 

A marriage needs honesty....but it also needs kindness too. In fact, I think a lot of people get so hung up on the 'honest' part that they forget that there is always a kinder, gentler way to do things. And, out of all the people in the world who deserve it, I think our spouses deserve kindness most of all.

 

Or she can be a brat and just say, "I HATE THIS THING!" 100% harshly honest, but who would want to be married to someone like that? I know I wouldn't.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Janesays

[TaraMaiden]

Why would it be so wrong for the OP to just speak with her BF? She certainly wouldn't be a bitch about it...

[whichwayisup]

I'm engaged! My bf surprised me last night! It was perfect! :love:

 

Except that I despise the ring. It's hideous. Not my style AT ALL. Luckily, it's too big and I can't wear it right now anyway.

 

Ladies, what would you do? Guys, would it hurt your feelings if your fiancé said she'd rather have a different ring?

 

Be honest. It's a total waste of money to keep the ring that you don't like and won't want to wear. Adore him and thank him for the ring but just gently say, I love that you got me a ring but I'd like to pick out one that I'll love to wear all the time. If it hurts his feelings, he'll deal with it. He's a grown man, an adult who chose to pick a ring out for you without your input. If he had bounced that idea off of someone, chances are they would have advised him against it. He took a gamble by doing that.

 

This doesn't have to be the end of the world, just handle it with care and respect.

[amaysngrace]

I think it's like when my kids were learning to make the beds for themselves. Sure it wasn't done the best in the beginning and I had a big temptation to go and fix them properly but it just wasn't worth hurting their feelings by making them feel inadequate.

 

Instead I was just appreciative.

 

Although it didn't do a damn bit of good since they hardly make them anymore at all.

 

So okay...maybe just tell him gently...he's not a child....he's a man and I'm sure he wants to see you happy as much as you don't want to hurt his feelings...but I think your happiness will be a whole lot greater than any hurt he'd feel for you not loving the ring

 

It's your ring....you should definitely love it and if getting it from him isn't enough to make you love it and in fact "hate" it then it's probably best that his feelings come in last anyway...

[Janesays]

Why would it be so wrong for the OP to just speak with her BF? She certainly wouldn't be a bitch about it...

 

Ummm, are you talking to me? Because I DID advise her to speak to her boyfriend.

 

I am just not going to tell her the way to go about it is to be harsh and mean in the name of 'honesty.' Like I said, there is a kinder, gentler way to phrase things outside of, "Ewww, I hate it. It's ugly!"

 

I mean, one day she might wonder aloud if he has noticed all the baby weight she's gained. And he might say, "You're just as beautiful as the day I met you!"

 

And I hope she should be grateful for that instead of wishing he would have said, "Yeah, you're definitely fatter now but I guess it's cool with me." And I hope no one here crucifies him for 'lying' and 'basing their marriage on deceit.'

[TaraMaiden]

I am just not going to tell her the way to go about it is to be harsh and mean in the name of 'honesty.' Like I said, there is a kinder, gentler way to phrase things outside of, "Ewww, I hate it. It's ugly!"

I don't think anyone anywhere has suggested she should or would use that approach.....

I mean, one day she might wonder aloud if he has noticed all the baby weight she's gained. And he might say, "You're just as beautiful as the day I met you!"

Why would he be lying?

[Under The Radar]

Exactly ...... He's a mature man who loves you. He WILL understand and wants to see you happy. As others have said: Honesty is the best policy ...... and again, as others have said, the key is in how it's delivered.

[Janesays]

I don't think anyone anywhere has suggested she should or would use that approach.....

 

Why would he be lying?

 

That's exactly my point. He's not. He's just saying it nicer. instead of focusing on her weight and whether or not he's noticed, he's focusing on his love for her and her beauty.

 

And what I suggested the OP say is not a lie, either. It's just her saying it nicer. Instead of focusing on it just being ugly, she is focusing on practical reasons for getting it reset.

 

*shrugs. I generally live in my marriage like this, if there is another way to get something done ethically WITHOUT hurting the person I love most in the world, I will take that avenue every single time. If that requires me to change my focus in the name of niceness, then I will.

 

I will never say to the person that I love most, "These are my unfiltered honest opinions and if they hurt you, deal with it and quit being so sensitive."

 

Why would I do that? After all, if HE'S hurt, then *I* am hurt. I don't like to see the people I love in pain if it can be helped.

[MissBee]

I'm engaged! My bf surprised me last night! It was perfect! :love:

 

Except that I despise the ring. It's hideous. Not my style AT ALL. Luckily, it's too big and I can't wear it right now anyway.

 

Ladies, what would you do? Guys, would it hurt your feelings if your fiancé said she'd rather have a different ring?

 

I would hope my future fiance would do a bit of research into what I like. In any case, I don't believe in being totally surprised in terms of an engagement, that is, we should have discussed marriage and agreed on it and maybe even went to look at rings together, then he can come back and get it some other day and surprise me with the actual official proposal. That is what's smart. Rings are expensive, I'm supposed to wear it for life, it only makes sense that you figure out what I like, it's not that hard. You can take me ring shopping, or ask me to tell you which rings I like and I can show them to you on Pinterest or something or even ask my friends or sister to somehow get the info, but to just up and buy a ring with no prior knowledge of my preferences is a bit odd.

 

In any case, if someone did do that, aside from me questioning their judgment and how well they know me, I would just be honest and say I love that they thought of it and got it and choose it for me but can we pick one together that is more my style. I don't think a mature man who wants you to be happy will be that upset about it. He picked it out yes but you have to wear it so he should want you to wear something you like.

[MissBee]

Honestly, I would be hurt if I gave an engagement ring to a woman and she wasn't happy with it and wanted to return it.

 

I didn't know that something as small as a ring would clash with anything you wore. If it was me and you told me that it wasn't your style because it's yellow gold, I would have some serious reservations about what else you wont be satisfied with.

 

Try to consider that he put a lot of time and effort in this. I could understand if he bought you a complete wardrobe of clothes but it's a ring and a symbol that he loves you and wants you in his life forever.

 

Remember, it's the thought that counts.

 

This is crazy to me.

 

If I'm marrying you the fact that you don't even know what I like is reservation enough.

 

If you have NEVER seen me wear yellow gold why would you get me something like that?!

 

The type of gift someone gives you tells a lot about how much they pay attention and how well they know you.

 

Getting someone stuff they don't like or is totally counter to anything they've ever worn/said they liked/did etc says more about the cluelessness of the gift giver. And also giving someone a gift IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I mean...yes my feelings may be a little hurt but first off, I pay attention so all gifts I give are based on what I know about someone especially a significant other and if it is gonna be expensive I'm smart enough to find some way of finding out beforehand what they would potentially like, I don't just randomly buy anything and then expect them to like it and then get all butt hurt because they don't, like it's about me. If someone doesn't like a gift I am happy for them to return it and get something they do like instead of moping about they didn't like it...esp something like an engagement or wedding band. It's not about you. It's not your hand it's on. You should WANT your SO to like it and should be fine to change it if they don't.

 

But as I said, any man I would marry would already know this and would have done his research and would know what I like from don't and wouldn't just run off and buy me something totally random.

[Tayla]

Short and sweet, keep the ring til its time to pick out your wedding rings, then kindly suggest a matching ring that is more in tune to BOTH your tastes and respresentation of the love you are about to commit to.

 

My grandpa used to give me the rings off his Old cigars, and to me it still brings tears that I cherished that more then a diamond or such. Reckon its because he loved to see my happiness bonded with his pride in a family member. Funny how the gesture can be taken in a different light....

[bubbaganoosh]

This is crazy to me.

 

If I'm marrying you the fact that you don't even know what I like is reservation enough.

 

If you have NEVER seen me wear yellow gold why would you get me something like that?!

 

The type of gift someone gives you tells a lot about how much they pay attention and how well they know you.

.

 

I'm flattered that were getting married MissBee but I'm a bit too old for you but thank you anyhow.

 

Yes you have a point and I have no problem taking a step back but please try to remember that a lot of guys don't pay too much attention to if his girlfriend is wearing white or yellow gold. I guess it's not in our genes. I mean you have to admit that women are far more fashion conscience then men. Ladies always notice the little things like "Oh my God, she's wearing brown shoes with that purse"

 

Guys don't notice that. No doubt he went to the store, saw a ring that he thought looked good and said "I'll take it."

 

So to anyone who thinks my comments were wrong, I'll concede my comment that I made.

 

But you got to admit, that telling him that the ring stinks and you want something less gaudy isn't going to be easy.

[Elias33]

Wow some of the men here are so sensitive over something that isn't that big of a deal. Be honest. Don't start off your marriage with dishonesty. I would rather know if my fiancé liked something different rather than resent the ring I got them out of some sort of fear of hurting my girly feelings.

 

Or, you turn this around and say, why get hurt about a ring you don't like? Just a ring right? It really shows that it is about the ring, and not the engagement. Maybe he should just give a wedding band and get it over with.

 

It is not the woman paying 3000 or more to something that get's looked at with the wrong intent. Maybe just skipping the ring part if it is such a big deal. If a ring is so personal, why don't the ladies buy their own? With their own money? Disgusting.

[MissBee]

I'm flattered that were getting married MissBee but I'm a bit too old for you but thank you anyhow.

 

Yes you have a point and I have no problem taking a step back but please try to remember that a lot of guys don't pay too much attention to if his girlfriend is wearing white or yellow gold. I guess it's not in our genes. I mean you have to admit that women are far more fashion conscience then men. Ladies always notice the little things like "Oh my God, she's wearing brown shoes with that purse"

Guys don't notice that. No doubt he went to the store, saw a ring that he thought looked good and said "I'll take it."

 

So to anyone who thinks my comments were wrong, I'll concede my comment that I made.

But you got to admit, that telling him that the ring stinks and you want something less gaudy isn't going to be easy.

 

She doesn't have to say it like that now does she?

 

And clearly you was plural and impersonal and not specifically you.

 

As for it being a rule that guys don't notice...that isn't true. But as I said, a man who is SMART, who is going to shell out potentially thousands of dollars on something would do his research. It's not rocket science to think hmmm before I buy an engagement ring maybe I should figure out what my gf likes...I mean this is common sense. But as I said, for me, the type of man I would marry would most likely be someone who thinks along these very rational, common sense lines and not some dude who just randomly does stuff and is just clueless.

[Elias33]

Short and sweet, keep the ring til its time to pick out your wedding rings, then kindly suggest a matching ring that is more in tune to BOTH your tastes and respresentation of the love you are about to commit to.

 

My grandpa used to give me the rings off his Old cigars, and to me it still brings tears that I cherished that more then a diamond or such. Reckon its because he loved to see my happiness bonded with his pride in a family member. Funny how the gesture can be taken in a different light....

 

Well said

[MissBee]

Or, you turn this around and say, why get hurt about a ring you don't like? Just a ring right? It really shows that it is about the ring, and not the engagement. Maybe he should just give a wedding band and get it over with.

 

It is not the woman paying 3000 or more to something that get's looked at with the wrong intent. Maybe just skipping the ring part if it is such a big deal. If a ring is so personal, why don't the ladies buy their own? With their own money? Disgusting.

 

Whaaat????

 

What does this really mean?

 

So the only options are: women buy their own ring OR accept any ring a man buys without forethought to her taste???

 

How about: don't buy people gifts if you aren't sure what they like esp something expensive???? How about figure it out first before buying it? Or is that a ridiculous notion?

 

Look this is nuts. Like I am truly floored that this is an argument. You can be happy about your engagement and dislike your ring. You can be happy at the thought of something and still dislike the thing itself. I dislike cherry pie...hate it. A friend of mine bought me one once, I appreciated the gesture but IT'S OKAY to still not like cherry pie. It seems those in arms about this are actually self-centered and when they buy a gift it's really about them and they don't give any fricks about if the person they supposedly bought it for like it. If you really got it for them because you love them you'd 1. Find out what they like so you get it right 2.You'd have no issues changing it if they don't like it. But to be all upset is mind-boggling to me. I have NEVER reacted this way. Well mostly I give people stuff they actually like because I pay attention and if I don't, I feel absolutely no way about them getting something they want, as I got it FOR THEM not for me to feel good about myself and pat my self on the back. I think probably only a very insecure person who needs constant validation that he is right would really be so upset about this whereas a secure man who loves a woman would be able to not take it personally and understand she can love him, love the gesture but just not like gold and want something different.

[bubbaganoosh]

She doesn't have to say it like that now does she?

 

And clearly you was plural and impersonal and not specifically you.

 

As for it being a rule that guys don't notice...that isn't true. But as I said, a man who is SMART, who is going to shell out potentially thousands of dollars on something would do his research. It's not rocket science to think hmmm before I buy an engagement ring maybe I should figure out what my gf likes...I mean this is common sense. But as I said, for me, the type of man I would marry would most likely be someone who thinks along these very rational, common sense lines and not some dude who just randomly does stuff and is just clueless.

 

 

I don't know. When I got engaged to my first wife, I surprised her with a very nice ring and she had no problem with it and loved it. She had an engagement ring and was happy.

 

After we were married she kind of became a pain in the ass and I bought her enough real good rings to choke a horse and she loved every one of them.

 

But for the sake of the conversation, let's turn the tables and say that you bought me a real expensive piece of jewelry like a watch or a ring, (plural of course and impersonal) as a surprise and say you shelled out some mighty big bucks for it and I said that the ring or the watch makes my ass look big and want to return it. Wouldn't your feelings be hurt? And like I said, it was a surprise. Bet you a dollar to doughnuts you would. Just saying of course.

[Under The Radar]

Hey MissBee, did Mercedes dude have a promise ring in the glove compartment of that luxurious vehicle?

 

 

Ten bucks says you reject that ****

[MissBee]

I don't know. When I got engaged to my first wife, I surprised her with a very nice ring and she had no problem with it and loved it. She had an engagement ring and was happy.

 

After we were married she kind of became a pain in the ass and I bought her enough real good rings to choke a horse and she loved every one of them.

 

But for the sake of the conversation, let's turn the tables and say that you bought me a real expensive piece of jewelry like a watch or a ring, (plural of course and impersonal) as a surprise and say you shelled out some mighty big bucks for it and I said that the ring or the watch makes my ass look big and want to return it. Wouldn't your feelings be hurt? And like I said, it was a surprise. Bet you a dollar to doughnuts you would. Just saying of course.

 

I would never do that. If I am shelling out thousands on ANYTHING I do my research first cause I wanna make darn sure you like it. That's the first thing. I have common sense.

 

Even if my feelings were slightly hurt I'd get over it and further you keep making it seem like if you don't like something you are required to be an ASS about it, when there are very tactful ways to convey the sentiment.

 

I am not stupid. I would not surprise someone with an expensive gift without knowing beforehand if they'd like it. That saves me time and money and them the awkwardness of having to say they don't like it or worse pretend. If for some reason I did though, unless they acted rudely and threw a tantrum and threw the jewelry at me and said "what kind of ugly shyt is this?!" I'd not feel too bad. Maybe disappointed a tad but them liking the gift is more important and I'd have no problems getting something they like. Gift giving for me is about the recipient and their enjoyment. I would hate to think they only pretended for my sake. It's not about me. It's about them so I would get over whatever ego blow at my bad taste or whatever it is.

 

I find it very telling and strange that someone buys a gift for someone and is only worried about their own feelings and seems to not care at all whether the person likes it.... That is so frickin odd to me. Like how is it about your feelings? Again it's one thing if the person acts rude or ungratefully, that would make ANYONE feel bad, but adults understand that people have preferences and someone can love you/appreciate a gesture and dislike the thing without it being personal. You're not a child who should be coddled and where your mom pretends to like something to make you feel good. Kids are self-centered as a rule so them taking your dislike personally is one thing, but if you're an adult giving a gift, it shouldn't be about you and you shouldn't require the same sort of "Yes dear, I love it" if someone doesn't. If they suggest nicely they exchange it for something else while thanking you for the gift, then I think one very immature to take this as a personal offense.

[MissBee]

Hey MissBee, did Mercedes dude have a promise ring in the glove compartment of that luxurious vehicle?

 

 

Ten bucks says you reject that ****

 

 

I will never know as I'd never go anywhere with someone like him.

[lollipopspot]

Guys don't notice that. No doubt he went to the store, saw a ring that he thought looked good and said "I'll take it."

 

If he put that little thought into it, he's got little business being offended if it isn't her style and doesn't fit.

[Under The Radar]

 

I will never know as I'd never go anywhere with someone like him.

 

 

 

I know, I know ...... just cutting up as usual.

 

 

If anything, I like to make myself laugh out loud, while perusing the LS forums, from time to time.

 

 

Clowning around is in my DNA and almost as important for me as Vitamin D.

[tbf]

Congratulations!

 

Not sure how to approach your problem since I wasn't crazy about mine since my preference leans simple. But I've grown to love it since it's a symbol of his love and commitment so if you decide to keep it, it's possible the same might happen.

[Phoe]

If you have NEVER seen me wear yellow gold why would you get me something like that?!

 

Slightly off topic, but the above is my dad's strategy for all the jewelry he buys my mom.

 

 

Looks for something she doesn't already have or wear, and buys it.

 

 

She doesn't have anything with amethysts on it? Getting her amethysts.

 

 

She doesn't have a gold necklace? Getting her a gold necklace.

 

 

She doesn't have anything heart shaped? Now she does.

 

 

He looks for things that are unique and different from what she already has.

 

 

It works out well for him, as my mom is surprised and delighted every time she gets something new.

 

 

Perhaps the OP's boyfriend had a similar idea. Probably not the best choice for an engagement ring, maybe a tactic used for future jewelry, but no doubt he had wonderful intentions.

[iris219]

I found out that a ring was bought before the one he gave me. My bf didn't walk into one store and randomly pick something. He agonized over the decision before buying and went to 5 different stores.

 

Then, a couple weeks ago, one of my friends got engaged and texted me a pic of her ring. I showed him and he was a little weird about it; I should have known something was up! Apparently, her ring was very similar to the one he had already bought me and he was upset about it. I liked her ring and said so, but he didn't think I'd want a ring so similar to hers, so he took it back and got the one he gave me. He wanted me to have something unique.

 

The more I look at the more I could like it IF it wasn't yellow gold. We talked about this and he said, "Yeah, I wouldn't want my wedding band to be yellow gold." I told him we needed matching rings and his had to be yellow gold too and he said no way to that!

 

We are going to the jewelry store today to get it sized since it's too big. He told me pick out another ring. He doesn't care if I get something else.

 

I made sure to tell him that I loved the surprise element. So many couples don't have that. I knew we'd get married at some point, but I had no idea he was going to propose!