"You need to have fun on your own" they say

[MrTurk]

I like going for bike rides, going to museums, going to car shows, sitting at a coffee shop doing nothing, etc, etc.....

 

BUT....I do not like doing things alone. Yet women keep telling me "You need to be happy alone before you can find a date to be happy with. That advice just doesnt make sense to me. If I met a woman, and we both were into bike riding, I'd go buy a bike and would love to go with her all the time. But being single, why do people think I need to go do that without a woman?

 

I understand the whole be happy with yourself first situation. But I am just the type of person that does better with a partner. The same as many people like to have someone with them when they workout.

[mea_M]

But, you can have a partner and still be happy with yourself during your alone time as long as you really feel that. You clearly get it. So no doubt you will enter into a relationship with a great perspective!

 

Mea

[mammasita]

I don't think people are saying you need to have fun on your own......it's more you need to be happy being alone/with yourself or content being single. Two different things.

 

I'm not happy going to the movies alone. I'd rather go with someone.

 

But to your point, why do you have to do these things with a woman? Do you have like minded friends that you can go biking, to car shows, to museums with?

[MrTurk]

I don't think people are saying you need to have fun on your own......it's more you need to be happy being alone/with yourself or content being single. Two different things.

 

Yes, they are saying that exactly. I had on my profile once that I'd like to bike ride more if I met a woman that was also interested in it. And I got criticized for it.....I was told I need to go out and DO things not want to do them. Many women would see that as a sign of weakness in a guy. They like to see a guy that is out running around living life and jumping in head first. Theres a lot of women that are attracted to men that they perceive as go-getters.

 

I'm not happy going to the movies alone. I'd rather go with someone.

 

Another great example! I havent been to a movie in almost 10 years for that very reason.

 

 

But to your point, why do you have to do these things with a woman? Do you have like minded friends that you can go biking, to car shows, to museums with?

 

I dont really have any friends. I may go to the car show with a guy I know once in awhile, but thats pretty rare. And none of the guys I know would go to a museum, even if someone paid them. Nobody I know is interested in the things I am interested in.

[Silly_Girl]

You need to feel 'whole' on your own. To be happy with your life. To have interests, friendships, passions. Some direction. A zest for life and a contentment, whether alone or in a group.

 

Achieving that feels great. It's as though you are on top of the world. It's truly something...

 

When you have that you will be a magnet for like-minded people. People (friends or prospective partners) who also lead fulfilling lives and make great company. People who serve to enhance an already enjoyable life. People without emptiness and desperation, people who do not automatically look to others to provide their happiness or solve their problems.

 

I'm not saying you do that, just trying to illustrate my point.

 

This is how I interpret the advice you received. I am a very couple-centric person. I love to love, to share my life. I love the togetherness and reliability of a relationship. But if I hadn't learned to be happy alone I probably would never have broken the negative relationship cycle I was in and bagged myself the absolute perfect partner for me.

 

I would suggest you give it a go... Get a bike, get some favourite routes on your own. Go to a car show. Date yourself for a bit - you're worth it! What have you got to lose?

[skydiveaddict]

BUT....I do not like doing things alone. Yet women keep telling me "You need to be happy alone before you can find a date to be happy with.

 

They are right. I would advise you to start jumping out of airplanes.

[MrTurk]

They are right. I would advise you to start jumping out of airplanes.

 

I'm already enjoying what I do now. The thing is, I like to experience and share situations with a woman that I like being with, the same connection isn't there with just a friend.

 

It's the mutual experience/growing/learning that I enjoy.

 

Imagine if you went to some exotic place for the first time… Wouldnt you want to share that experience with your SO? It's not the same going there your self or with somebody else… And then going back a second time with your new S0.

[Silly_Girl]

Beautiful places are beautiful whether you go alone or not.

 

There are so many breathtaking sights in the world you can go to new ones with a special someone, you don't need to put your life on hold whilst you search.

[Targetlock]

have the same issue and i believe everything is better with company well that's' what I've learned anyway.

[SadNLonley]

 

Another great example! I havent been to a movie in almost 10 years for that very reason.

 

There are things I just cannot do alone. It is just me I know that, but I feel as though people see me alone and feel sorry for me. One of those things is dining. I will not go to a restaurant alone, nor will I go to a bar to hang out all night alone, but I had a coworker tell me that its easy to get over. She says in situations like dining, she take a tablet or a book and just reads. She says that when you travel for your job you learn to be ok with it. She says she has even had people invite her to join them.

 

In the event of a movie, I can see where I wouldn't want to go alone, but the nice thing about a movie is that its dark, no one talks anyway, and no one will really notice or care. I see people do it all the time. With that being said, I have not gone alone, but it is on my list to do to get me out of the house and enjoy my own company

[MrTurk]

One of those things is dining. I will not go to a restaurant alone, nor will I go to a bar to hang out all night alone, but I had a coworker tell me that its easy to get over. She says in situations like dining, she take a tablet or a book and just reads.

 

She is going alone because her purpose is to feed herself… She's not going for the reasons I go out to dinner, which is to enjoy the company of the person across the table.

[GoreSP]

This is not what it means. You don't have to do stuff by yourself to be happy by yourself.

 

Actually, I believe that the only way you can be sure you are 'happy by yourself' is by spending time alone at home. Do anything - clean up, watch TV, do crafts, I don't care - as long as you are alone.

 

If you can't stand to be by yourself for at least one evening, how can you expect another to want to spend one evening with you?

[Silly_Girl]

This is not what it means. You don't have to do stuff by yourself to be happy by yourself.

 

Actually, I believe that the only way you can be sure you are 'happy by yourself' is by spending time alone at home. Do anything - clean up, watch TV, do crafts, I don't care - as long as you are alone.

 

If you can't stand to be by yourself for at least one evening, how can you expect another to want to spend one evening with you?

 

I disagree. There are certain times we expect to be alone, maybe even crave it, but if you can get out and experience things you might like to do with another person, but partner-less, without feeling 'less than' then I think you have reached a certain peace that is to be recommended.

 

Doing housechores alone is no form of progress, in my eyes.

[Shepp]

If you depend on a partner for you fun your relationship will be too depended...independence is attractive.

 

 

 

What if your girl doesn't like biking but likes......gymnastics? Will you still not take up biking and instead throw yourself into gymnastics?

 

If that's the case then, what are you passionate about? What do you do cause you love it, and you care about it, and won't give up for anyone?

 

Again, passion is attractive.

[Shepp]

Yes, they are saying that exactly. I had on my profile once that I'd like to bike ride more if I met a woman that was also interested in it. And I got criticized for it.....I was told I need to go out and DO things not want to do them. Many women would see that as a sign of weakness in a guy. They like to see a guy that is out running around living life and jumping in head first. Theres a lot of women that are attracted to men that they perceive as go-getters.

Exactly! That's the answer to your own question!

 

I dont really have any friends. I may go to the car show with a guy I know once in awhile, but thats pretty rare. And none of the guys I know would go to a museum, even if someone paid them. Nobody I know is interested in the things I am interested in.

So maybe grab some more guy friends who share some of your interests?

[GoreSP]

I disagree. There are certain times we expect to be alone, maybe even crave it, but if you can get out and experience things you might like to do with another person, but partner-less, without feeling 'less than' then I think you have reached a certain peace that is to be recommended.

 

Doing housechores alone is no form of progress, in my eyes.

 

I think you've missed my point.

[Silly_Girl]

I think you've missed my point.

 

Enlighten me?

[MrTurk]

Exactly! That's the answer to your own question!

 

 

So maybe grab some more guy friends who share some of your interests?

 

My main hobby is drag racing. I dont know about other areas of the country, but there are pretty much no women whatsoever at the track where I race at. Once in awhile you will see some other racers wife with him, or some 19 yr old girl with her 20 yr old boyfriend when he brings his car out....thats it.

 

When I am not racing, I work on the inside or outside of my house, the yard and the landscaping, or I'm tinkering on my car in the garage. I try to go to the gym a few times a week, and thats basically my weekly routine in a nutshell.

 

Adding MORE GUYS to my interests doesnt solve anything.

 

And telling me to become a go-getter just to attract women is useless advice.

[Shepp]

My main hobby is drag racing. I dont know about other areas of the country, but there are pretty much no women whatsoever at the track where I race at. Once in awhile you will see some other racers wife with him, or some 19 yr old girl with her 20 yr old boyfriend when he brings his car out....thats it.

 

Right, but its not about going there to meet women or being able to take your girlfriend there.

 

Its about having something a hobby you can talk passionately about to someone, and show people that you are capable of and demonstrating certain qualities like commitment, determination, ambition, maybe teamwork, decisiveness, whatever...

 

 

And also as it happens id say probably a good 70% of the girls I've met since I left school I've met through guys I know. You can never have too many friends.

[Emilia]

And also as it happens id say probably a good 70% of the girls I've met since I left school I've met through guys I know. You can never have too many friends.

Social capital. The importance of this, over and over again.

[Allumere]

MrTurk I get you 100 %. One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie Into the Wild: "Happiness is only real when shared". I have heard ad nauseam to be happy in and with yourself. Embrace your singleness...blah, blah. blah. Well ya know what...been there, done that and sorry, life is sweeter when the experiences are shared and even more so when it is with that special someone. I have spent most of the past 20 years alone. In fact I will wager that in terms of time spent alone, very few of the people on here could spend as much time as I do alone. Trust me, I am fine with my own company.

 

I will say one thing I learned to do years ago was to just go, with or without partner. I realized life was way too short to miss out on things just because at that moment I didn't have a running partner. I don't think twice about going to the movies alone or skiing or dining or flying to another state to catch a great horse race or to catch music....as these are things I really enjoy. And yes, I do get that is very tough for some folks....it was for me initially in some instances. Are there times I can't go it alone...sure, like now because I was dumped a few months ago and it still hurts and I miss having that running partner. Everything seems daunting. Going to a movie seems blah and lonely as I miss holding that hand in the dark. Traveling anywhere in the car too quiet as I miss all the conversations. So, I don't do those things right now and focus on things I have always done alone, working and caring for my horses or rescue work or home repairs. Maybe that's it...have things that are and always will be yours, things that give you peace while looking forward to the time you have someone to share adventures with.

[Shepp]

Social capital. The importance of this, over and over again.

 

And not just for potential girlfriends!

If you nail through a cable () your gonna wish you was friends with a guy who's wife's brother happens to be the best electrician in town, right?

 

I'm not suggesting you go round befriending people to use them for stuff but it's never a bad thing to know more people! Friends help each other out right!

[melell]

As far as activities go it is great to have a partner to share in all of those things.

Given the choice while single I would much rather watch a movie at home alone than watch a movie at a theater alone. When you have a partner there are so many more things you can do together- it is easier than with friends too.

Especially if you are living with your partner, it is just activity after activity together, it is company and fun.

 

This has been 100% my experience.

I kind of feel as though it is important to be 'ok/happy enough' with being alone- whatever it is you would prefer to spend your alone time doing.

 

I think most people are fine alone, and wanting to have someone close to you around to do things with doesn't mean a person can't function or have fun alone, it just means they would enjoy that sort of company. -I wouldn't listen to people saying you need to have fun alone first, people shouldn't assume you are unable to cope on your own.

[MrTurk]

And not just for potential girlfriends!

If you nail through a cable () your gonna wish you was friends with a guy who's wife's brother happens to be the best electrician in town, right?

 

I'm not suggesting you go round befriending people to use them for stuff but it's never a bad thing to know more people! Friends help each other out right!

 

Not where I live. Nobody gives a f*ck when I need a favor. Thats why I've grown up being my own electrician, my own plumber, my own everything.

 

You all sit here typing advice, acting like its just soooo easy to go out and be social, and if only I would walk out my front door, I could triple my social network in a month.

 

I have never met a woman where I live that gives a f*ck about drag racing or cars. A woman sure as hell isnt going to want to listen to me talk about how much I enjoy racing when we first meet.

 

I have seen COUNTLESS profiles of women specifically stating that they dont want a guy that loves his car/bike/boat....etc. Women jump to conclusions very easily....they like to instantly assume I'm "one of those guys" that will like my wife but love my car.

[MrTurk]

I will say one thing I learned to do years ago was to just go, with or without partner. I realized life was way too short to miss out on things just because at that moment I didn't have a running partner. I don't think twice about going to the movies alone or skiing or dining or flying to another state to catch a great horse race or to catch music....as these are things I really enjoy.

 

I dont have any "passions". I enjoy drag racing, science, and astronomy. Thats about it. 3 things that most women could care less about.

 

Last year I did take a trip to a museum alone. And when anyone asked me where I went on vacation....I told them, and EVERYONE instantly asked "You went alone?" NOBODY had any interest in hearing about my experience there.....all they cared about is that I went alone, and acted like they felt sorry for me.

 

I am thinking of maybe going to visit Death Vally this year. Lots of great sites to see out there. Or maybe I am just drawn to the desert, where I can wander alone and not have to come back.