Separated boyfriend lived with me and then left to go back to his wife.

[Devastated1969]

Thanks for your kind response... I just feel so desperate to know how he is feeling, to get some validation I wasn't imagining the relationship and love we shared. He asked for nc though and I replied saying I would respect his wishes, he said 'thank you xxx'. There has been nc since... I'm gutted but I know there is no point in saying anything as he is back in his M and I don't want to prevent his happiness or be the OW. Part of me dreams that they won't work out and he will come back in years to come buti know I have to move on with my life and there is every likelihood their R will be successful.

[herself]

Just sending a supportive hug & praying for your peace.

Yes, he still loves & thinks of you of course. But his wife still has his heart & you are too wonderful to have to share.

It isnt personal like shes better, she wins IMO.

Its guilt and he has love for her and had to choose and if he came back I hope you dont let him back in as a sign of your strength.

He will NOT forget you ever but u have to go your own path & know it had its time but it was not to be forever.

His W is hurting too, so you both are & he is.

No winners. Be thankful you had the time, but also be thankful you can now move on and heal and start a new chapter. Hugs.

[PurpleCardigan]

I, too, questioned the "was it real" and wanted the validation that I meant something to him. I think many OW/OM go through the same thing...you are not alone. He was married, not separated, and said he had to stay for his kid. From my point of view that was an excuse, but at this point it doesn't matter. I did seek the validation and question everything and, honestly, I've vacillated as to what I was...some days I thought he did love me and some days I was just the ego stroker who made him feel good and was willing to have sex with him. What I've come to learn is that what he felt actually doesn't matter. Only what I felt matters. I did love him and from time to time I still miss him. He'll live for awhile in my memories and then fade, like other ex-boyfriends. If I never live in his memories then that's his loss. I can't control what someone else feels, I can only control myself.

 

Come to terms with how you felt about him, and then let go. You can do it; it will be hard but you can.

[bermondsey]

I'm so sorry, that must be devastating. When you know how much you're in love, you're great together, his parents prefer you to the wife, you get on with his children and friends, you've planned a future: where you'll live, how you'll decorate, what your wedding day will be like etc ... it must feel impossible to get over. Worse than any other break-up coz it's so hard to move on - couples who are in love don't split up.

 

I really don't think I have any advice at all, other than to say I'm sorry it is so hard for you right now. (It's something I worry about myself ... he's just left and I'm worrying he'll go back)

 

Take care of yourself and keep talking. Hugs x

[Devastated1969]

Still fighting with myself daily to keep NC and been successful so far... Reading what others salon this forum helps me so much as every time I feel weak, I read the stories about how making contact just sets everything back again..

 

Still struggle so much with wanting to know how he is feeling and whether I ever meant a jot to him.. Are there any guys out there who have returned to their wife after separation/OW who can give me any further insight. It helps so much to hear from others who have gone through similar experiences

[blue963]

Very difficult to go thru. Sometimes a parent can sacrifice everything for their child. I took whatever I needed to. I thought that keeping our family in tact was important. It has been a marriage that is emotionally devoid (for 26 years) and it was killing me but I was willing for them. My goal was to reach until my last child graduates from high school in 5 years. I would have made it too because they were more important to me than myself. Only thing is, H has done something to destroy the family and I will be divorcing as soon as my financial ducks are in a row. So my point is....sometimes children do have a very strong hold on us. Please dont feel that it was all a lie....but he is confused and perhaps its time for you to find someone that is truly deserving of what you have to offer. Again, I am so very sorry. I can't imagine ow you must feel.

[FoolishOW]

In many cases, timing is everything. In your case, I think this simply moved too quickly. There is so much emotion to sort through when going from one relationship to another (in his case), and I imagine that in some ways he was convincing himself (as well as you) how happy he was when he was living with you. NOT that any of it wasn't true, just that the adjustment is very difficult and there was almost no room for him to process the adjustment. He didn't want to hurt you by failing, but clearly wasn't where he needed to be emotionally to move forward with you. That's understandable if you consider how "life changing" the new situation was for him. I can't help but think that it's actually a good thing that he chose to leave your home when he did, because he obviously has much to sort through.

I do think he feels a great deal for you and is having a difficult time as well. It's unlikely that he simply moved out and is "sailing" through life at home. It doesn't feel like it now, but sometimes these "lessons" are so important to learn. You're a single Mom, so I know you're strong! Use your strength to help you understand that this situation was simply too much, too soon, to go as smoothly as perhaps you both had hoped.

Regardless of the outcome, you're going to be fine, in time. Grieve what you have to, but don't second guess either of your feelings. I'm sure they were (are) real. You know that too, but as I said, timing is everything. You can't know what the future holds, but put your energy into your kids and yourself in the meantime. Wondering what his path will be will keep you from living in the present. Hugs to you!

[FoolishOW]

Devestated...

To be more transparent, I actually went through a very similar situation many years ago. I was a single Mom involved with a MM, and his wife had had enough of "us" (understandably). She told him it was time to go, and yes, he moved in with me from there. Oddly enough, that part of our relationship lasted just about 2 months. Living in my home was a huge change for him, as anyone can imagine. He did move back home after the 2 months, and I was beyond devastated, but not sure what I expected. It was as if we were "playing house", but it was somewhat ridiculous of us to think we could transition our lives so simply. He went home, and after much sadness, I moved on.

 

 

This is what I didn't want to say, for fear of causing you to be "stuck"... Today we've been married for almost 15 years. Funny, huh? We didn't see each other for almost 2 years after the 2 month living arrangement, but after his divorce was final, he came back around. He was in a much different place emotionally. I was still single (quite happily, btw) and within 6 months we were engaged. We married a year later.

 

 

One thing I will stress about affairs, and it's been mentioned MANY times...

you never really get to know the person for WHO they really are under those circumstances. Yes, there will be many who disagree with that, but it was my experience, for sure. We may not realize it at the time, but we seem to share our "best" self, because we can. The nitty gritty "us" doesn't necessarily end up being exposed because so much of our time together is well planned, if you know what I mean.

 

 

Anyway, that's why I mentioned that you can't really know what the future holds. I was very hurt after our 2 month living arrangement ended, but it was a necessary step, though I didn't see it that way then. I did move on completely after that... new job, new attitude, etc. and had truly let him go to handle his own business without hard feelings. I guess all I'm trying to say is... Do YOU, and let the chips fall where they may. You and your kids are all that matter now! All my best to you!

[Devastated1969]

Thank you so very much for sharing... I know you are right and I must continue to move forward on my own, stay NC, and allow him to work through things in the right way for him. I know that we truly loved each other very deeply and it is so very painful right now but I am determined to try and be strong, keep healthy, focus on kids and work and respect his decision to try and make his marriage work.

 

Very hard to do when you are awake all night, struggle to find your appetite and feel very emotional but I know I have to follow this path to keep my self respect. As you say, who knows, what the future holds but I know I can't and mustn't wait for him. I guess it's still likely they will work it out and reconcile.

 

Did you go NC after he left for the whole 2 years?

 

From your husbands pov, I would be interested to understand how he felt and coped through the period of your break up and moving back to his then wife. I know everyone is different but it helps so much to hear from those who have had similar experiences.

 

I am so happy for you that things worked out in the end.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Devastated1969

[FoolishOW]

Yes, we ended our communication after he went back home. We may have spoken a time or two shortly after he left, but he was really guilt ridden, and I needed a life without heartbreak in it. Talking wouldn't have helped either of us.

 

 

Part of what helped me move along was the new position I had taken, which required weeks of training away from home. Studying, exams, meeting new people in the company... all those things left little time to think about much else. I didn't "think" about moving forward, it was just the path my life took at the time, and it was a blessing in disguise.

 

 

As for my husband... he refinished the basement of his home. Sounds funny, but he needed a project to keep him busy, lessen the stress while being able to be at home. I can't speak to the exact in's and out's of what occurred in the marriage over that time period, except that they weren't able to create a connection that either was happy with. I think those two years ended up being a transitioning time, and they had to make that transition together, along with many other decisions specific to their divorce.

 

 

For the record, his wife remarried sooner than we did. We attend family functions together now, as there have been weddings and grandchildren since the years have past.

 

 

Hope that helps you with perspective, 'Devastated'. Every situation is different, but that was my experience. I think sometimes we have to let life happen, and not try to force certain things. By that, I don't mean your relationship, I mean getting it out of your head. We say... "get busy, join a group, go to the gym"... but sometimes we have to allow time for that sadness and recovery to occur on it's own time. We can help it along, for sure, but you can't force it away. The bright side always is... you never know what tomorrow will bring!

[nais]

I have been divorced for 4 years and live with my 2 children. I met a guy last year who told me he was separated from his wife and they had split due to growing apart and having no connection for many years. He was married about 15 years with 2 children.

 

The relationship moved fast and he moved in with me after 2 months. I can honestly say we were blissfully happy during the whole 6 months we were together, I met his parents who welcomed me to the family but not his children who he said were struggling to come to terms with him having a new relationship.

 

He told me he loved me so much every day, that he was going to marry me, we had lots of future plans. He saw his children each weekend when he took them out for the day.

 

One weekend when we had just had an amazing previous day and he told me he'd never felt as happy in his life, he went to see his children and when he returned I knew something was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it but he broke down and said he had to leave as he was hurting his children too much. He left the following day.

 

I am totally heartbroken and don't understand what happened. I thought we were going to be together forever and he was my soulmate... He since told me that his daughter said she would never see him again while he was with me and he's decided to commit to his family and wants no further contact.

 

I respect his decision and if I had thought there was anything between them at any time, I would never have got involved. I am so shocked. It's been 2 weeks of no contact now and I don't know how to cope, I feel completely broken by this but know I have to walk away and leave him to repair his marriage if he can. I just don't understand why he got involved with me in the first place or how he could switch his feelings completely around in 24 hours....

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's harsh- and very upsetting to hear. thing is what did you learn from this experience that you didn't perhaps already know? He is tied to that yoke a bit tighter than one realizes. So he can pick up and return home because the kids got upset? what did she say about him returning home? was it the kids or her? Hate he played a role for a few months, but perhaps he was trying way too hard. Also consider money- they claim its cheaper to keep her.

[Devastated1969]

Yes it sure feels harsh, I am in a roller coaster of emotions every day at the moment, mainly intense sadness at the loss of this relationship that felt so special and right.

 

I have learnt that I should not have got involved with someone so recently separated, that it went too quickly, that he wasn't done with his M despite the fact he gave me no indication of any brooding or moods to suggest this. He told me daily he was the happiest he had been for years and loved me to pieces. So confusing.

 

I have no idea what his wife said, thinks, feels or knows ( other than she definitely knew he was living with me). The times they spoke on the phone was just about the children (when I was in the room anyway).

 

He said he wanted to commit to his wife and make his marriage work so I have to let him go and respect that decision but I will never understand... He was with me all through Xmas, why do that and be away from your family if it's not where your heart is...

[nais]

That's harsh- and very upsetting to hear. thing is what did you learn from this experience that you didn't perhaps already know? He is tied to that yoke a bit tighter than one realizes. So he can pick up and return home because the kids got upset? what did she say about him returning home? was it the kids or her? Hate he played a role for a few months, but perhaps he was trying way too hard. Also consider money- they claim its cheaper to keep her.

 

 

 

 

 

i feel your pain- i am new to the group and i am considering my situation in every thread i read. i have been where you are recently, the feeling is not a good one. For whatever time you spent with him you felt something, and he did not consider how you would feel. i wonder if he felt you should be willing to accept his decision with no questions asked after that big show of support during the holidays? Whatever the case- you know what he wants for however long that works for him. In the interim, celebrate the small victory of learning in two months what others do not learn for years and years.

[Devastated1969]

Oh dear, I tried so hard to be strong but he contacted me today, missed me, loves me etc... Before I knew it we were texting each other and it felt so wonderful to know he still felt the same but I know it doesn't change anything and now I feel so empty again... Why is this so hard :-(

[ilovememore]

Hi. Sorry you are going through this. I went through the exact same thing. And it devastated me. But I was stubborn and committed to letting myself heal and grow while letting their family try to reconcile or sweep the entire sage under the carpet, whatever they chose to do. After almost one full year of tossing, turning, lamenting, dying inside, and then changing, I signed on today to see if the conversations still resonate with me.

Here's the good news: they don't. It is just a distant memory now, albeit a sad and ugly one, that I never want to relive. I do not miss him or want him in my life anymore.

Here's the bad news: time takes time. You will feel broken for awhile. You'll suffer through the missing limb syndrome. No one will seem to compare. He WILL contact you. (Mine still does and it makes me realize that a man who tries to piece his marriage/family back together while still calling me isn't a very good man at all.) You will often wonder if you'll ever get over it.

I promise you that you will. Stay strong. In fact, you will grow stronger than you ever knew possible. Just run as far as you can from him and do not bite at even one text message. No contact takes time, but it does work.

As for the why's, why does it matter? You'll never quite know. Maybe it's just easier for him. Maybe he's weak. Maybe he loves them more. At bottom, he made his choice. Now you have to make yours.

Wishing you strength and peace...xo

[CaliGypsy]

Oh dear, I tried so hard to be strong but he contacted me today, missed me, loves me etc... Before I knew it we were texting each other and it felt so wonderful to know he still felt the same but I know it doesn't change anything and now I feel so empty again... Why is this so hard :-(

 

Just words though. Words mean nothing without actions.

 

He told you he wants to make his marriage work. He can't do that if he's still contacting you.

 

You're the one ultimately that's going to keep getting hurt. He needs to let you go for YOUR sake if he really loves you.

[FoolishOW]

Oh dear, I tried so hard to be strong but he contacted me today, missed me, loves me etc... Before I knew it we were texting each other and it felt so wonderful to know he still felt the same but I know it doesn't change anything and now I feel so empty again... Why is this so hard :-(

 

 

 

What a schmuck he is to contact you and send your emotions into high gear like this. He lost his right to "whisper sweet nothings to you" the minute he decided to move home, and while it's understandable that it feels wonderful for you to hear those words from him, he deserves to be told that he made his bed... How dare he be in touch with you! It doesn't require a genius IQ for him to fully understand the crushing blow he dealt you and I sincerely hope you gain the strength/self respect/courage to tell him to take a flying leap for turning your life upside down. If he wants to try to make amends AFTER he's gotten his life in order, he has every right to try, and you can reconsider then, if you're still interested. Until then... hit the road!

[FoolishOW]

Devastated...

 

 

I'm really sorry that you're feeling such sadness. I know it must be so hard and frustrating to hear the things your AP is feeling for you while you're trying to make sense of his decision to move back home. Wish I had the ability to tell him myself to leave you alone right now. It makes me angry that he hasn't just hurt you, but that he doesn't have the stones to Man Up without making it more difficult for you.

 

 

I'll be thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon! Chin up, my friend! You deserve to be happy, and unfortunately, he deserves to have to suck it up on his own and deal with the choices he's made. I often wonder... "why do they have to screw with "our" lives in order to figure out their own?

[Devastated1969]

Right... So after a flurry of texts and loads of emotions, I have finally seen sense and told him to leave me alone and that I'm not interested, he has made his choice and he needs to focus on his marriage. God please give me the strength to move on with my life and forget this man, I know I deserve more and I do not want to be the other woman. Hurts like mad but he decided to leave and I must leave him to it. I know from all the hurting OWs and BSs on here that it is NOT the right path and will only lead to much bigger heartache. Thank you to all of you who have been so kind and supportive to me and helping me focus on the direction I need to go.

[Devastated1969]

Having sent the note stating I want complete NC and I am not regretting this but it's soooo hard and feel like I am starting all over again after doing nearly 3 weeks before he made contact...

 

I know this is what I have to do and determined to keep going but when I think of never hearing his voice and feeling his hugs ever again it just makes me cry so bad. I know from the contact I had with him this last week that he does still have very strong feelings for me so it feels raw again right now.

 

He wanted to see me as friends etc etc and i was tempted, however, it doesn't change his decision and he wants to keep his family together so I have to let him go. I am worth more than the crumbs. Been a bad day today and not even been able to function, I know it will get better in time but right now it feels impossible that I will ever get over this.

[curlygirl40]

I went through something similar to this. Even more confusing for me was that he and his wife had no kids together and had been married only 2.5 years.

 

 

He was separated, waiting to finalize the divorce. I never would have gotten involved (I thought I was smarter than that) but he was a childhood friend so I trusted him I think more than I should have. That he was being honest with me, etc.

 

 

In my story they were separated before we reconnected. He quit his job and moved to my area. We made plans to be together. Talked of where we would live, how it would look, things we would do together, on and on and on.

 

 

He drove back to their state to finalize the divorce and pack the rest of his stuff and ended up staying. I was devastated.

 

 

Just know this. He WILL be in contact with you again. He absolutely will. He left his marriage for a reason, what you had together at the time was real. And he will miss it.

 

 

So he will be in contact again. You need to be strong enough to block him.

 

 

In my situation they have now separated again. He emailed me 2 weeks ago. She got her own apartment this time. Last time she had the condo they shared and he moved out of it. I will NEVER get back together with him. He went back to her last summer and in November he desperately tried to get in touch with me and I ignored him. Then 2 weeks ago he tells me she has moved out. Too bad, so sad. I'm seeing a great guy and I told him as much. It's not an option.

 

 

The way I look at it, he had a choice to make and he made it. Now that that choice has not worked out for him, I will not be his second choice. His consolation prize because he couldn't work out his marriage.

 

 

Your situation is different in that it sounds like he went back for the kids. That's a tougher draw.

 

 

Good luck!!

[Devastated1969]

Thanks for sharing your story and so pleased you moved on, met someone new and are now happy again...

 

It gives me hope that I can recover from this... I was very strong in my message to him that I wanted no contact and had blocked him but behind that I am just a mess.

 

All sorts of emotions, disbelief, sorrow, sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy... It's all so destructive to yourself. I know I need to move forward, put it behind, etc but not easy. He did ask to see me when he was in contact last week but I've said no... Although I know it's the right decision, part of me wants to see him so bad.

 

I just don't understand how he can now be so deeply in love with someone he told me there had been no connection with for years but that was just words I guess. Am I helping their marriage flourish by leaving them alone? Who knows but I can't be his 2nd best after living with him and having such an amazing relationship during that time.

[sybo24]

I truly feel your pain, hurt and confusion. He is doing what he thinks is the best for his children and doesn't mean to hurt you or your children.

 

 

the same has sort of happened to me and I miss him like mad but even though I know we love each other completely I know that his children have to come first in his life.

 

 

Be strong, I know it is incredibly hard but you must try and put your needs and welfare first. Second relationships are so difficult xx

[Devastated1969]

Thanks for your kind words sybo, it's so very hard isn't it... I know deep down we really had something special and walking away from that to be alone again is so hard.

 

Part of me feels it would be easier to have him some of the time rather than not at all but I know I would never be happy with that...

 

I have no real idea what his relationship is like with his wife, he said he hadn't been happy for years, his family said he hadn't been happy for years and then he says he wants to reconcile and save his marriage... Its so confusing and heartbreaking but I am trying hard to walk away. Just can't bear the thought I have lost him.

[Devastated1969]

Having a bad day today, can't get him out of my head! We had a weekend away planned for this weekend and I'm sure he has taken his W instead which is probably the reason for my sadness... I've tried so hard, been keeping busy, went to gym 3 times this week but today I've crashed...

 

Why did he tell me he was separated if he was still in love with his wife?, why did he move in with me and tell me every day he was the happiest he'd ever been?, why tell me his marriage had been over for at least 5 years?, what is going on in his head if he can seem so in love with me and then leave the next day?, why spend christmas with me and tell me there was nowhere he would rather be, is he happy now he is back in his M that he told me was over? The questions just don't stop spinning and the tears won't stop and I feel so stupid...

 

We had such a great relationship (I thought)... Maybe he was pretending but if so, I was completely fooled.

 

Feeling so alone... Been divorced for 4 years after escaping from an abusive marriage and finally felt able to trust and give my full love and passion to someone and now this... Hurts so bad.

 

Sorry if I seem self pitying, it's just a really bad day