Survivor12 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 What does it matter if he had sex with her? He has admitted that he was/is in love with her, he carried on an emotional as well as physical affair with her, he lied to you, he lied about her, he set you up to make a fool of yourself and risk being arrested...what more do you need to hear? It doesn't matter who pursued whom. Even he admitted that SHE called it off when she found out that you were pregnant--not HIM. This isn't in the past. He was still closely interacting with her prior to the altercation. If he had "made a mistake" prior to your pregnancy and had any regret, he wouldn't still be so friendly with her. It is up to you whether or not you choose to forgive him, but stop looking for ways to excuse his actions. There is no good excuse. Not only did he betray you, he betrayed her as well by lying about HER being obsessed! Rather than protecting you from being in a room with her surrounded by people who know about his affair and acknowledging that it would be "awkward", he led you into it and then let you make a complete fool of yourself. The affair is the least of your problems--his ego, arrogance and lies are what you should be concerned about. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to be talking to a professional, not the OW. She is but a symptom of what is really wrong with him and your relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Who is running from or passing anything? I want her to tell me if what he's said is true Good for you. You should just ask her yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Bonnie, if you do contact her, do NOT let him know first. He will only forewarn her and you'll have a much harder time discerning the truth. Don't let her know what he's told you; simply tell her you'd like to hear her version of this. Be prepared for the possibility that she may not want to talk to you. If she does, be prepared to hear a lot of things he hasn't told you. A close friend of mine went through a rather similar experience. When she finally talked to the OW, it was a major, shocking eye-opener. She too was convinced her boyfriend had indeed come clean but that was just not the case. People who are skilled manipulators and liars (and your boyfriend is one of them) will sink much lower than you can imagine to cover their tracks and shift blame. I'd be done with him, regardless of what actually transpired between the two of them. He's a selfish liar and doesn't have your or your family's best interests at heart. He doesn't respect you or your relationship and he's obviously a complete wimp for not coming to you like a man and admitting he's not in love with you any more. Can you imagine how long he'd let this charade continue if the confrontation had never happened? What a loser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I can't sleep, still trying to digest it all. After having a proper conversation about it I do actually believe that thats all that happened, he was far too pathetic to be lying. I know he wanted more to happen, though and that kills me. I've been thinking about it since he went to bed ans I think I'm going to risk contacting the woman Apologize for smacking her. Let her know that you know 'something' has happened, that your partner has lied to you and made it seem like she was stalking him - but now recanted his story and has admitted an emotional affair but denied it being physical. Let her know you just are interested in the truth and not wanting to mess her up (touch her again). She may or may not want to talk to you since that incident. Rightfully so unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 What does it matter if he had sex with her? He has admitted that he was/is in love with her, he carried on an emotional as well as physical affair with her, he lied to you, he lied about her, he set you up to make a fool of yourself and risk being arrested...what more do you need to hear? It doesn't matter who pursued whom. Even he admitted that SHE called it off when she found out that you were pregnant--not HIM. This isn't in the past. He was still closely interacting with her prior to the altercation. If he had "made a mistake" prior to your pregnancy and had any regret, he wouldn't still be so friendly with her. It is up to you whether or not you choose to forgive him, but stop looking for ways to excuse his actions. There is no good excuse. Not only did he betray you, he betrayed her as well by lying about HER being obsessed! Rather than protecting you from being in a room with her surrounded by people who know about his affair and acknowledging that it would be "awkward", he led you into it and then let you make a complete fool of yourself. The affair is the least of your problems--his ego, arrogance and lies are what you should be concerned about. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to be talking to a professional, not the OW. She is but a symptom of what is really wrong with him and your relationship. Great advice and point. I was trying to convey that in a paragraph. OP you are worried about the wrong person. It doesn't matter what she says. You're dealing with a guy who lies, loves another, and made you look quite silly in public. Now she will probably have you arrested if she deems what you want to do as harrasment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't think you should contact her. If she has proof of you calling her after she's already complained about you poking her and harassing her, your partner could be fired. No company wants to deal with this crap. And yes, definitely leave her alone. She hasn't done anything wrong, technically speaking. Decide what you want to do with the information you have, and definitely get tested for STDs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Well I sent her a text and she replied saying she didn't want anything to do with either of us and wouldn't speak to me in person but would speak to me on the phone to tell me what happened and then to stay away from her. She said that they never slept together, but he was affectionate to her, touching her hair/her all the time, showing genuine interest in her life, would talk and he told her how beautiful she was, and how being with her made him happy and he looked forward to seeing her and even mentioned the L word and she was so sure of him as he was so blatant. He would stand and stroke her neck in public, she even knows his card's pin number. When I came in in the summer time he told her I was pregnant but didn't sound happy about it and that after the lying work wise she told him to stay away. He kept trying to talk and then had that argument where he said how awkward it is that she wasn't acknowledging him when he tried to acknowledge her and she told him she had nothing to say to him and at work she would be professional but beyond that wanted nothing to do with him. Then when the job brought them into contact again he started being nice like he used to be when they were alone, but didn't acknowledge her in front of people but sometimes if he caught her in the car park he'd rant to her about stuff like he used to or ask about her. She said she gave him something in September time that she won but that he'd like and he accepted it excitedly. Shealso said there was that familiarity but with an awkward element in the mix now They talk normally at work and everything was 'fine', he attempted to call her a nickname he used to call her and she told him not to. I also found out that he knew she'd been to this club before. In August she'd left a note for her boss (not him) saying she was booking off X date as she was going to this event...she'd left the note under her handbag and he'd moved it, read it and then about 20 mins later brought up that she was going and they had a chat about it In October she sent him that message asking if she could meet him for a coffee away from work as she didn't want to start any more rumours off. She told my friend the reason she'd done it was because she had heard more rumours about him and her and she wanted to know if he knew where it had come from away from walls with ears. When she brought up the fact he 'blocked' her he told her I'd gone mental and when she explained what it was about his reply was 'ohh right' quite casually and that she told him that he knows she cares about him and she'd never do anything on purpose to cause trouble for him. When he asked what the rumour was she didn't want to say at work but told him that he knew she was attracted to him so it didn't take a genuis to work what it was out and that he didn't follow and laughed saying he was happy with me and she told him that she wasn't propositioning him and he walked off grinning. Then a month or so later she reminded him about shadowing him (which they'd talked about the month prior) as he is a manager (as well as two other people) and he agreed, so the only text she sent were saying a few days she could do and questioning him when he didn't turn up, and one christmas/NY text that she'd hit send all on Then this month in early Jan she'd spoken to him about last night's event and about tickets being sold out and he looked online for tickets for her and confirmed they were sold out and looked at the line up together having a nice chat She said they'd spoken last week about a personal matter and he told her he would ask me for my professional opinion and let her know what I said for her. All this last week she said he's been avoiding her and not looking at her or physically looking down when she's around. Then the other night happened...I don't know how all of this has happened. I believe her, she sounded very upset Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Well I sent her a text and she replied saying she didn't want anything to do with either of us and wouldn't speak to me in person but would speak to me on the phone to tell me what happened and then to stay away from her. She said that they never slept together, but he was affectionate to her, touching her hair/her all the time, showing genuine interest in her life, would talk and he told her how beautiful she was, and how being with her made him happy and he looked forward to seeing her and even mentioned the L word and she was so sure of him as he was so blatant. He would stand and stroke her neck in public, she even knows his card's pin number. When I came in in the summer time he told her I was pregnant but didn't sound happy about it and that after the lying work wise she told him to stay away. He kept trying to talk and then had that argument where he said how awkward it is that she wasn't acknowledging him when he tried to acknowledge her and she told him she had nothing to say to him and at work she would be professional but beyond that wanted nothing to do with him. Then when the job brought them into contact again he started being nice like he used to be when they were alone, but didn't acknowledge her in front of people but sometimes if he caught her in the car park he'd rant to her about stuff like he used to or ask about her. She said she gave him something in September time that she won but that he'd like and he accepted it excitedly. Shealso said there was that familiarity but with an awkward element in the mix now They talk normally at work and everything was 'fine', he attempted to call her a nickname he used to call her and she told him not to. I also found out that he knew she'd been to this club before. In August she'd left a note for her boss (not him) saying she was booking off X date as she was going to this event...she'd left the note under her handbag and he'd moved it, read it and then about 20 mins later brought up that she was going and they had a chat about it In October she sent him that message asking if she could meet him for a coffee away from work as she didn't want to start any more rumours off. She told my friend the reason she'd done it was because she had heard more rumours about him and her and she wanted to know if he knew where it had come from away from walls with ears. When she brought up the fact he 'blocked' her he told her I'd gone mental and when she explained what it was about his reply was 'ohh right' quite casually and that she told him that he knows she cares about him and she'd never do anything on purpose to cause trouble for him. When he asked what the rumour was she didn't want to say at work but told him that he knew she was attracted to him so it didn't take a genuis to work what it was out and that he didn't follow and laughed saying he was happy with me and she told him that she wasn't propositioning him and he walked off grinning. Then a month or so later she reminded him about shadowing him (which they'd talked about the month prior) as he is a manager (as well as two other people) and he agreed, so the only text she sent were saying a few days she could do and questioning him when he didn't turn up, and one christmas/NY text that she'd hit send all on Then this month in early Jan she'd spoken to him about last night's event and about tickets being sold out and he looked online for tickets for her and confirmed they were sold out and looked at the line up together having a nice chat She said they'd spoken last week about a personal matter and he told her he would ask me for my professional opinion and let her know what I said for her. All this last week she said he's been avoiding her and not looking at her or physically looking down when she's around. Then the other night happened...I don't know how all of this has happened. I believe her, she sounded very upset So they were hanging out outside of work? Whatever doesn't even matter. Really sorry you are being put through this. I know he just turned your world upside down! How do you feel Bonnie? What are you going to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Sorry, no I typed that out in a bit of hysteria and some of it came out wrong. They haven't been seeing each other outside work, but he'd stay longer hours to see her etc. He told her that I saw the message and blocked her She also told me she has a text from last year offering to get my parents to babysit so he can come see her at work for an 'hour or two' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't know how I'm feeling beyond confused. If nothing has happened for months why would he have said she was obsessed or whatever with him still, I don't understand She said nothing has happened in that long so thats why she was so confused Link to post Share on other sites
RinLavi Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I think that he was embarrassed because of the confrontation but he might have had something with her or maybe he pas playing with her and he took it too far he might be embarrassed because of that but if you think that he was or is cheating on you with her you should ask him directly just tell him whats bothering you not asking might turn out worst than him confessing that he slept with her. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't know how I'm feeling beyond confused. If nothing has happened for months why would he have said she was obsessed or whatever with him still, I don't understand She said nothing has happened in that long so thats why she was so confused Either because he's still in love with her, or because one or both of them are lying to you about the timeline of events or exactly what those events were/are 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Expat, I don't know if my brain has just gone to mush (entirely possible after all this!), but how does nothing happening in x amount of months and him being in love with her still go together as reasoning? Not disagreeing, just don't understand (anything anymore...) Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Expat, I don't know if my brain has just gone to mush (entirely possible after all this!), but how does nothing happening in x amount of months and him being in love with her still go together as reasoning? Not disagreeing, just don't understand (anything anymore...) He could still be holding out hope to re-ignite something with her. The asinine "obsessed" story would therefore have covered him if and when something had happened between them again. (Or so he had believed) I would also not necessarily assume that you're getting the whole truth from her, either. She's looking out for her best interests and likely would want to protect her own arse, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 After speaking with her I'm resigned to believe her when she said she wanted nothing to do with either of us. I also think if she had anything to hide, she wouldn't have gone to the manager and the manager support her. The manager actually asked him what the history was with them and when he said no she asked if the woman had anything on him which would prove otherwise...the fact she even asked him that makes me think she believes this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Yep dude is in love with another. Or highly infatuated 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 You think so, for the same reasons Keke? Assuming that nothing happening for 7 months is true, i mean, which I do andher saying that she thought everything was 'okay' now and it wasn't easy to get to a point where she could talk to him and be friendly after wanting nothing to do with him...she said thats why his **** offs were so WTF Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 You think so, for the same reasons Keke? Assuming that nothing happening for 7 months is true, i mean, which I do andher saying that she thought everything was 'okay' now and it wasn't easy to get to a point where she could talk to him and be friendly after wanting nothing to do with him...she said thats why his **** offs were so WTF I would hope it isn't. No one wants to put all of them in a relationship but the other person is half in. I wish you good luck. Talk to him more see if you can get to the root of his problem. It may be fixable Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Hope what isn't? My question was do you think he's in love with her still for the same reasons as Expat? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Hope what isn't? My question was do you think he's in love with her still for the same reasons as Expat? Isn't true that he loves someone else. He sees her probably everyday right? Those feelings just don't go away unless something drastic happens. He probably kinda hates her now since she went to HR tho. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I don't know how I'm feeling beyond confused. If nothing has happened for months why would he have said she was obsessed or whatever with him still, I don't understand She said nothing has happened in that long so thats why she was so confused Point is, he HAS cheated on you. Maybe not recently but he has. And, he likes her a lot, she seems to have backed off and he is now the one reaching out to her. Now the issue is just about him. Forget her, she told you her side of things and honestly, it makes more sense than anything that he's told you. You need to decide if you can trust him again and if your relationship is worth fighting for...Is he worthy of another chance. They work together, so can you trust that his 'in love' feelings for her are going to go away on their own when he interacts with her daily? That is a distraction from you and what he feels for you as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Do you know...no, I don't think I can forgive that. If he'd have been honoest maybe, but even then... Am I being naive thinking/hoping that if he was in love with her and they've not had much interaction over all that time though she's been 'around' most days...that his feelings could have gone away? I know how I'd feel as a woman (don't think they would've gone away, especially with nothing bad happening between us), but for a man?? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Do you know...no, I don't think I can forgive that. If he'd have been honoest maybe, but even then... Am I being naive thinking/hoping that if he was in love with her and they've not had much interaction over all that time though she's been 'around' most days...that his feelings could have gone away? I know how I'd feel as a woman (don't think they would've gone away, especially with nothing bad happening between us), but for a man?? Honestly, yes. I think that's naive. He went to great lengths to lie to you and cover up his part in this mess, and he made a complete fool out of you. His feelings obviously have not just gone away or he wouldn't still have been trying to convince you that she's the obsessed one. Why is heaven's name would you believe a word he says now? He's lied to you and manipulated you for a long, long time. Now that he's suddenly been caught, he claims he is not in love with her any more? Please. He's still playing you for a fool. Also, whether or not these feelings have gone away is rather beside the point. He was emotionally (and I still believe physically) cheating on you. He lied over and over again. He made you look like a lunatic. He allowed all of this to happen; what does that tell you about how much he values you? How much does he value the relationship? Not very much at all if he was willing to put you in this position and actually admit he's in love with someone who is not you. I think you'd best take a look at the bigger picture here and stop focusing on details: your boyfriend checked out of the relationship and did so in a very weak and conniving way. He isn't a man who will fight for you or his family. Edited February 20, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Bonnie123, might I ask, why aren't you two M'd? I mean 6 years and 2 children and all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 It wasn't something that wasa HUGE deal to either of us, I thought, but with children I would prefer to be. That'ssomething else my friend's brother said. He's heard him talking to other guys at work while looking at rings in his office on the computer but in the next breath says he doesn't want to get married. He says he's done this for the last two years...Wth Link to post Share on other sites
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