What does his reaction mean?

[ascendotum]

One other thing…on Saturday, I saw my partner look at her and her look back before he realised I’d seen her and it’s bothering me. I asked him about it and he said he was just surprised to see her but…I don’t know, I do genuinely believe there is nothing physical going on, but that split second they looked at each other…I don’t know, I don’t know what it was but is it possible to see a connection within less than a second of eye contact?

 

There definitely was a connection there once, so of course there will be residual feelings. From the bits I read here & there in this blockbuster thread, I doubt it lust anymore. Probably more sadness & regret, that his EA has wrecked his life with both women. I think its getting a bit crazy for you and your friend at work who spies on him, to go trying to interpret his emotions through these 1-2 second looks he does from across the room. He works with this women and crosses paths with her at this facility. Its a bit ridiculous for him to catch a split second glimpse of her and shield his eyes or walk around looking at his feet. You said she is a gorgious woman, that alone will make (all) guys notice her. You are just dwelling in misery/hate with these thoughts over a 1 second incident. Its a little bonkers.

[Bonnie27]

ascendotum, I would love to think that about regret. But if that were the case wouldn't he try and avoid her andhave nothing to do with her by choice? After 5 months of not talking at all he spoke to her again and shared personal information with her and vice versa and now he's potentially protecting her with his 'warning' about me...what do you think?

[ascendotum]

ascendotum, I would love to think that about regret. But if that were the case wouldn't he try and avoid her andhave nothing to do with her by choice? After 5 months of not talking at all he spoke to her again and shared personal information with her and vice versa and now he's potentially protecting her with his 'warning' about me...what do you think?

 

There is lots of this thread I have not read I have to admit. I had the impression he still has to cross paths with her since they both work in the same department/company. Its hard to act normal and take things back the way they were before he got attached to her, by totally avoiding her 100%....as in look at his feet and shuffle by when he walks near her or spin around and walk in another direction when he sees her walking nearby. If he is a manager there he just might have to speak to her as part of his job on occasions. Sharing of personal info...I cant comment on that as I have not read that post. Maybe its to help clear the air a little and try to get a normal platonic business relationship going again instead of the frosty avoidance one. IDK.

 

As for the facility where you go as a family (not sure if thats the same place he actually works), that just seems like unfortunate luck/circumstances she happens to be there when you are all there. I'm sure she would prefer no awkwardness, but she is not going to change her lifestyle to suit you (who she barely knows). Look it might be longing in his eyes still, it might be sadness that things cant go back to normal before he got infatuated with her, it might be regret that both you and her don't have the same feelings for him as before. IDK. Don't get your mind in a negative spin trying to interpret 1-2 second gazes when they happen to cross paths.

[Bonnie27]

He's still showing you behavior that isn't prioritizing you.

 

Zahara, do you agree with what I saidabout what he said to her about me betraying me yet again going by the above?

 

It worries me that he doesn't even see it, when I asked why he saidthat to her he said it was the truth...he can be honest with her than with me? The friend I spoke to said something I didn't like but I don't know if there's any truth in it...she said maybe he's afraid of me or losing the children?

 

I don't know if it was my change in mood but he didn't come near me when we were there on Saturday. He spoke to me while I pointed out she was there but other than that he just packed our things and spoke to me through our older child

[Zahara]

Zahara, do you agree with what I saidabout what he said to her about me betraying me yet again going by the above?

 

Bonnie, he could have just told her, "Ms. X, seeing that things are still very unsettled after everything that has transpired, it would help if we all have some space to at least allow us all to recover from what has happened. Would you be able to try and accommodate if I asked for some space between you and my family during the time we have our kids here at the pool for practise?"

 

Instead, he put it all on you. The wicked witch has a problem. The way I see it, he didn't want anything to do with your demands and by saying it was your issue, he didn't want her to think that he was requesting it because that would have hurt her feelings.

 

It worries me that he doesn't even see it, when I asked why he saidthat to her he said it was the truth...he can be honest with her than with me? The friend I spoke to said something I didn't like but I don't know if there's any truth in it...she said maybe he's afraid of me or losing the children?

 

Honestly Bonnie, what does it matter. A lot of things should have worried you enough to make you take action but the thing is no matter what happens, you will live with it and just tolerate. So does it really matter what, when, how anymore? A month from now something else will happen, then what?

 

I don't know if it was my change in mood but he didn't come near me when we were there on Saturday. He spoke to me while I pointed out she was there but other than that he just packed our things and spoke to me through our older child

 

He's struggling with this emotionally. He has feelings for her. I am sure it was hard for him to see her there. I'm sure it was hard for him to walk away. I am sure it was hard for him to go and talk to her about your demands. I am sure he didn't like it one bit. I am sure after all that he had some negative feelings towards you because he's stuck in this situation.

[Bonnie27]

I suppose I asked that as if he's scared of losing the children and that's all, then that changes things for me. I also didn't say anything to him about telling her not to be there, he did that all by himself which makes me wonder about the wording and if he's actually afraid by saying he doesn't want me losing it again...

 

And you're right, there was no need to say it like that but he said that he used those words because it was true and he didn't seem to see anything wrong with it

 

Regarding your last point, I know what I think after witnessing but do you definitely think he still has feelings for her?

[Zahara]

I suppose I asked that as if he's scared of losing the children and that's all, then that changes things for me. I also didn't say anything to him about telling her not to be there, he did that all by himself which makes me wonder about the wording and if he's actually afraid by saying he doesn't want me losing it again...

 

And you're right, there was no need to say it like that but he said that he used those words because it was true and he didn't seem to see anything wrong with it

 

Regarding your last point, I know what I think after witnessing but do you definitely think he still has feelings for her?

 

You probably didn't have to say anything but you said you were sick/angry and he caught your reaction and decided to do something about it before you reacted. It could also be why he worded it that way. It was your issue.

 

He was in love with her, Bonnie. Feelings don't just go away overnight.

[Bonnie27]

It's been a year, over a year though, shouldn't it have gone away? I don't really understand why she is entertaining him/speaking if he hurt her that much

[Zahara]

It's been a year, over a year though, shouldn't it have gone away? I don't really understand why she is entertaining him/speaking if he hurt her that much

 

I'm sure he still has unresolved emotions and thoughts about her. He fell in love with her and never got to experience it come to fruition. I'm sure the unknown still makes him wonder, think, fantasize, wish, etc. and possibly keeps him holding on some.

 

He hurt you. You're still with him. So why would you question her entertaining him even when he hurt her?

[Bonnie27]

Because we have nearly 8 years of history together, she was never even in a relationship with him

 

I'm not saying thats right, I'm saying thats why I don't understand

[Bonnie27]

When you say holding on some, do you mean holding on to actually being with her?

[Zahara]

When you say holding on some, do you mean holding on to actually being with her?

 

As in not quite/completely detached. I'm sure he thinks about what it would be like to be with her. He was in love with her.

[Zahara]

Because we have nearly 8 years of history together, she was never even in a relationship with him

 

I'm not saying thats right, I'm saying thats why I don't understand

 

I'm not sure why you're finding it so hard to understand any of this.

 

They had a thing going on. They had emotions. He said they connected instantly. He said they fell in love. Who knows what else went on between them. They may even have gotten physical. Maybe she still loved him eventhough they didn't have a relationship. It's not out of the ordinary.

 

8 years or 8 months. You can't dictate how she should feel.

[Leigh 87]

Sometimes a man can fall head over heels within months and feel more passionate and more in love than he is with his own partner of ten or twenty years.

 

Fear of the unknown is what keeps him with you plus his children. He is not with you because he is more in love with you than he was/ is with her. His love for you is NPTW why he chose to stay with you.

[BC1980]

After reading this entire thread, I think that this man never saw a future with you. I think that regardless of this other woman, he would not want to truly commit to a future with you through marriage, which is what you want. I'm sure he does love you in some way, but I'm also sure that you love him more. There are so many men out there who would jump at the chance to propose to the mother of their children. You said that you don't leave because you have so much to loose, yet he will not commit to you. So he feels that he doesn't have much to loose. He had no intention to fight for you or his family because deep down, he doesn't really want a future with you. He just doesn't.

 

Why doesn't he double down to find a new job, do any and everything to make this right, and propose to you? Why doesn't he do anything to make sure you don't leave him? Because you know that if you left him, he wouldn't stop you. You are convenient for him, and it's so easy to fall back on convenience. It would be hard to get up and leave his family, so he stays, day after day, hoping something might change. This is blunt, but it's so obvious to me.

 

People can lie and project an image very well, but there are always subtle hints. But look at what your boyfriend isn't doing. Stop looking at the things he is doing while neglecting what he isn't doing. He isn't going to the ends of the earth to make this right with you, and the biggest problem I see is that he is reluctant to marry you. If a man is sure about you, he will marry you in a second.

[Bonnie27]

What does NPTW mean?

 

I think part of me is gradually accepting you may be right. I just still can't digest it

 

He came home today and I asked if he'd seen her and he said yes and she asked him to do her a favour and also could he write a reference for her as she's applying for a new job now

 

I asked him what he said thinking he would tell her to f off, and he said he said yes to both. He should be telling her no favours no nothing right?

[ascendotum]

What does NPTW mean?

 

I think part of me is gradually accepting you may be right. I just still can't digest it

 

He came home today and I asked if he'd seen her and he said yes and she asked him to do her a favour and also could he write a reference for her as she's applying for a new job now

 

I asked him what he said thinking he would tell her to f off, and he said he said yes to both. He should be telling her no favours no nothing right?

Why would he tell her to eff off??

He brought this whole saga on himself and you. Not controlling his emotions and having an emotional affair, which from the bits & pieces I read, was instigated by him. He stepped over the mark not her. She hasn't caused him trouble at work that I read. Why should he have animosity towards her and reason to screw up her career prospects?

If she gets another job and leaves isn't that good for everyone. She'll be out of sight and out of mind (mostly) and he can go back to his normal self at work. Isn't her leaving a good thing?

[Bonnie27]

My point is more that he should have nothing to do with her, not doing her favours and not writing references for her when he's not even her manager...she said it was because he knows her a lot better

 

Also, she has caused a lot of trouble for him, she went to HR about me and me/him

[ExpatInItaly]

What does NPTW mean?

 

I think part of me is gradually accepting you may be right. I just still can't digest it

 

He came home today and I asked if he'd seen her and he said yes and she asked him to do her a favour and also could he write a reference for her as she's applying for a new job now

 

I asked him what he said thinking he would tell her to f off, and he said he said yes to both. He should be telling her no favours no nothing right?

 

Yeah, sure he will.

 

What else did you expect him to say to that? He is a self-serving liar who has no problem making you look like a fool. Of course he's going to tell you he won't do any favours for her. He's trying to throw you off his trail. But please tell me you don't honestly believe him. You aren't that naive.

 

And you do understand that she went to HR because of a problem he created, right? But they're obviously still comfortable enough that she felt fine asking him for a letter of reference. What does that tell you about their the true nature of their current relationship? He isn't going to tell her to eff off. But he'll tell you he did so he can continue this emotional affair.

[Bonnie27]

Sorry maybe I didn't write that clearly. He told me he said yes to both as in yes he'd do her a favour and yes he'd do the reference and left before he responded to my 'you should be doing NOTHING for her, wtf?!'

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry maybe I didn't write that clearly. He told me he said yes to both as in yes he'd do her a favour and yes he'd do the reference and left before he responded to my 'you should be doing NOTHING for her, wtf?!'

 

Oh, Bonnie. This is even worse. The truth of his feelings for her is staring you right in the face. He knows how you feel and continues to do whatever he wants; this shows you he doesn't really give a rat's behind about the relationship with you.

 

He's in love with her, not you. This guy checked out of your relationship ages ago. I really believe it's only a matter of time until he leaves for good.

[Bonnie27]

He didn't just leave, he was going to pick our youngest up from my parents.

 

I think he thinks as he's being open with me about it and asked her to stay away when I'm there it's ok?

 

I tried not to shout as I didn't want him proved right about me losing it again but he shouldn't do anything for her at all, right? The favour was nothingy, just check something on the computer but she could have got god knows how many others to do that

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't just leave, he was going to pick our youngest up from my parents.

 

I think he thinks as he's being open with me about it and asked her to stay away when I'm there it's ok?

 

I tried not to shout as I didn't want him proved right about me losing it again but he shouldn't do anything for her at all, right? The favour was nothingy, just check something on the computer but she could have got god knows how many others to do that

 

Uh, no, he shouldn't. Of course not. But he is. The point isn't the favour he's doing for her or whomever else she could have asked. The point is they're looking for reasons to get close again because they're still in love.

 

And who cares about proving him right by losing it? That is ass-backwards. He should be doing whatever he can to prove to you that he doesn't want to lose you. But he isn't doing that either. That should tell you everything you need to know, but it probably won't.

[Bonnie27]

I don't know if I'm being dense but I don't even know if he sees that, regarding your bottom paragraph

 

I didn't want to lose it as I wanted to stay calm so I was as rational as possible but now he's gone I'm sat here like..................???

 

Even if it's her instigating these interactions, his agreeing...even if he only says yes to her face and doesn't actually follow though, it points to what you said, doesn't it? What did you think to acedonums thoughts about sadness/regret?

[ascendotum]

I don't know if I'm being dense but I don't even know if he sees that, regarding your bottom paragraph

 

I didn't want to lose it as I wanted to stay calm so I was as rational as possible but now he's gone I'm sat here like..................???

 

Even if it's her instigating these interactions, his agreeing...even if he only says yes to her face and doesn't actually follow though, it points to what you said, doesn't it? What did you think to acedonums thoughts about sadness/regret?

 

Thay are just possible guesses of what could be happening here. IDK, and some people here are reading between the lines of what you say, and projecting his intentions & behaviors based on their experiences with being cheated on. Some of the vehement people here could be totally right, but they could also be wrong. At some point you have yo go on faith if you have forgiven him but also keep vigilant on his behavior since he has broken your trust. You need something solid to go on though rather then getting stressed out over 2 second glances between them. I know it hard when hes at work with her and you have no idea what might be happening there.

 

I dont see why he would tell you he is giving her a reference if he didn't think it was a big deal to him or to you. I doubt he He is getting his kicks out of upsetting you. It would be so easy not to mention it, if he had a guilty mind imo. Like I said I thought you would be happy if she goes. This woman knows your bf's strong feelings for her, so is being savvy in asking him for a reference. A glowing reference helps her get a new job, and no more interaction between him and her. He caused all this drama so imo its a bit of a cheek for him to tell her to eff off.