Bonnie123 Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Hello I’ve got an issue that’s been playing on my mind. Last week I confronted this silly woman who’s been obsessed with my partner for nearly a year. They met at work and he’s said he’s been nice to her but she’s taken it the wrong way. Last week I saw her while we were out and I couldn’t not say anything. I confronted her and told her she needed to get a life and to stay away from my partner. She’s not what I expected though, she’s younger and prettier and I expected her to at least have the decency to be ashamed of herself at seeing me and the things I was saying to her but she just sat there looking, well, confused. However that’s not the only thing that’s been playing on my mind. All this time my partner has been saying she won’t leave him alone but when I was confronting her, he did nothing. He stood behind me looking at the floor. She was looking at him and he couldn’t look at her…why would he react like that?? 1
JourneyLady Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Hello I’ve got an issue that’s been playing on my mind. Last week I confronted this silly woman who’s been obsessed with my partner for nearly a year. They met at work and he’s said he’s been nice to her but she’s taken it the wrong way. Last week I saw her while we were out and I couldn’t not say anything. I confronted her and told her she needed to get a life and to stay away from my partner. She’s not what I expected though, she’s younger and prettier and I expected her to at least have the decency to be ashamed of herself at seeing me and the things I was saying to her but she just sat there looking, well, confused. However that’s not the only thing that’s been playing on my mind. All this time my partner has been saying she won’t leave him alone but when I was confronting her, he did nothing. He stood behind me looking at the floor. She was looking at him and he couldn’t look at her…why would he react like that?? How do you know she's been obsessed with him. Because he told you? Everything you said here about the situation sounds like perhaps that is not the true scenario and he said it to explain away her interest (which is likely mutual). You don't know what he's telling >her. And then you go and make a public scene out of something when you're only believing what he's told you. The other thing is the label "silly woman"? Why is it silly to have feelings for someone? As well, you call him your "partner", so (not in *my* mind, but in some people's eyes) if you are not married, he's fair game. And the "couldn't not say anything" ? What did you hope to gain? Do you really think she was going to obey you? Seems to me you need to be taking a look at your partner more closely. Your intuition *may* be trying to tell you something. 6
dubliner Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 It's difficult without more detail to even guess. Did she defend herself or say anything to you during your 'confrontation'?
Goodbye Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 His reaction means he has a guilty conscience. 8
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 She said she hadn't done anything, I think, but I was too enraged to really listen. It annoyed me more that she looked through me behind me at him
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 JL - Yes, he told me. I've never had a reason to doubt him before, we've been together 6 years and nothing. What I hoped to gain? To put her in her place and get her to stay away from us...
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Goodbye, is there anything else you can think of? He shouted at her to leave him alone here and at work after she questioned what was going on, is that not a good thing? 1
FnlyFrei Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 I do not think it is her that should have been confronted. It seems your partner might have been embellishing about her participation and her obsession with him. It's probably him. He schmucked himself for sure....and since it seems he isn't being honest in the first place, talking to him probably wouldn't do you much good either. Do you want to stay with him? 4
dubliner Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 JL - Yes, he told me. I've never had a reason to doubt him before, we've been together 6 years and nothing. What I hoped to gain? To put her in her place and get her to stay away from us... I was with my H for 5 years and trusted him implicitly. Until he left his phone behind and I answered it believing it to be a male friend of his..... The fact that he let you confront her, couldn't look at her and she looked confused, says to me that he's using you to do his dirty work of dumping the fling that's got too serious. He has most likely lied to her about you and your R and it's come as a shock to her which is why she was looking at him in confusion.
Survivor12 Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 If what he told you were true, she wouldn't have been "looking confused" and "at him through you". If she had been making unwelcome advances, she would have been too embarrassed about what he thought of her to look at him. Instead, she was looking to him as an ally over her concern about what YOU were thinking. Either he made more of her interest than what there is or he has been nicer than he admits. Sounds as though you've only been hearing part of the story. 5
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 What makes you sure? (I'm not necessarily disagreeing, I just want to know explicitly why) Yes, I think so. We've been together 6 years with a child
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 I just don't know what to think. It only really stuck in my mind when I told a friend and she said 'he wasn't standing next to you supporting you?' and seemed surprised that he was looking at the floor. He's in his 30s so not some 20 young boy, she said, but then said maybe he was just embarassed at the confrontation
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Hello I’ve got an issue that’s been playing on my mind. Last week I confronted this silly woman who’s been obsessed with my partner for nearly a year. They met at work and he’s said he’s been nice to her but she’s taken it the wrong way. Last week I saw her while we were out and I couldn’t not say anything. I confronted her and told her she needed to get a life and to stay away from my partner. She’s not what I expected though, she’s younger and prettier and I expected her to at least have the decency to be ashamed of herself at seeing me and the things I was saying to her but she just sat there looking, well, confused. However that’s not the only thing that’s been playing on my mind. All this time my partner has been saying she won’t leave him alone but when I was confronting her, he did nothing. He stood behind me looking at the floor. She was looking at him and he couldn’t look at her…why would he react like that?? Your partner has no spine, no backbone to own up to his part in this. He threw her under the bus. Where there's smoke, there's fire and I highly doubt this is innocent. What does your gut say? 3
FnlyFrei Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 From the information you gave in your post, her confusion and him staring at the ground...seems that way to ME..but you were there, you obviously know him, and it seems like after the confrontation moment, you developed your own hypothesis...and it told you something was off...right? I think you should trust your own gut. Bottom line. If you choose to ignore all this and move on with life, that is understandable. It could be as simple as a harmless crush. But if you were bothered enough to confront another woman, and then found the reaction funky...you just need to figure out what you are and are not okay with in your relationship. No one else can, even if they know you both and witnessed the exchange. Of course, everyone's perspective is different.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 She said she hadn't done anything, I think, but I was too enraged to really listen. It annoyed me more that she looked through me behind me at him So, either she has a crush/obsession on him and can't see what she is doing is wrong, or something happened between them - And she protected him by saying she was confused and didn't admit to anything - And his reaction? Why get so upset at her? What exactly is she doing to try to ruin your R with him? Is she following and stalking him? Touching him? Harassing him? 1
RickFox Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 JL - Yes, he told me. I've never had a reason to doubt him before, we've been together 6 years and nothing. What I hoped to gain? To put her in her place and get her to stay away from us... Funny, I was withy my wife for sixteen years and then cheated on and lied to her...... oh it can be done 1
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 WWIU - I'm not necessarily disagreeing, but what makes you sure? He says she talks to him all the time at work/is always around and has asked for his help on a project she's working on. I don't know what my gut is telling me, it was only my friend's reaction that made me re think about it.
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 RF - if you were in my partner's situation and I was confronting her, what would make you look at the ground/not look at her?
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 WWIU - I'm not necessarily disagreeing, but what makes you sure? He says she talks to him all the time at work/is always around and has asked for his help on a project she's working on. I don't know what my gut is telling me, it was only my friend's reaction that made me re think about it. So if he doesn't want her talking to him at work, he should complain to his boss. If for professional reasons she needs his help with a project, then why is this such an issue? Something is off here - Either she has some serious issues with boundaries or he is hiding that maybe their friendship has crossed some lines. Could be a touch, an inappropriate flirtation, a kiss, a conversation about feelings for one another? I just find it odd too. 1
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 Well I told him he should have told her no and he said he felt he had to say yes as it would be too uncomfortable to say no... :/
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 RF - if you were in my partner's situation and I was confronting her, what would make you look at the ground/not look at her? If he has done absolutely nothing wrong here, then he should have backed you up and joined her by telling her enough already! I am with someone and you MUST leave me alone and only speak to me at work for professional reasons only. To not say a word and look at the ground - He's afraid that the truth might come out, he is a wimp for reacting that way. Or was he embarrassed to have you tell her to back off and fight his battles? (Let's say it's an obsession). You need to talk to him and demand the truth no matter what. Any lies or omissions of truth is going to make this worse. If he doesn't say much about it, time to hire a PI. 2
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Well I told him he should have told her no and he said he felt he had to say yes as it would be too uncomfortable to say no... :/ No guts/no spine/no courage to stand up to her? WTF? Is he a grown man or a man child? Or is he cheating on you? Or maybe HE is the one crushing/obsessing on her?
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 I questioned him afterwards and he said he'd done nothing wrong. I know this might sound a bit odd, but when I pictured her...iit's not what I expected, she's stunning, which is making me feel worse
Author Bonnie123 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 'Or maybe HE is the one crushing/obsessing on her?' What makes you say that? (I'm not disagreeing with anything, I just want to try and get an objective view from all angles)
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Because you say he couldn't say no to her. Because he didn't say a word and looked at the ground. I'm just guessing here too. But something is 'off' otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it. Watch him closely...Does he hide his phone? Do you have access to his emails? Does he go out a lot on his own? Work late or on weekends?
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