Difficulty in Dealing with the Sex Issue

[SD1000]

I have been in a relation with a woman that I loved very much for nearly two years. This past new year's eve, we officially got engaged and I was very happy. When we first met in April 2012, we spent a couple of weeks together, then I had to leave for four months and we continued long distance.

 

 

After getting engaged, I saw an old text message on her phone. She did not remember it was still there because she had given me her phone to use for a day. In the text messages, I learned that she was also involved with a much older man (age 57 and 17 years older than her) during those first four months. She actually met him a couple of weeks before she met me and he happened to be away on business when I was with her. After those first four months, she has been loyal to me.

 

 

I could forgive her for those first four months because we were apart and had not known each other very long. However the problem that I don't think I can get over is that she was a very different person with him. I discovered through text messages that he was a man who was sexually aggressive and just helped himself without caring about what she wanted. After their 2nd dinner and first sexual encounter, he did not remember her name, but mentioned that he hoped he was not "too big" for her.

 

 

Her replies showed her attraction by telling him that he is a very big man, he is very manly, and that she very much enjoyed making love with him. He even told her that he was not ready for a long-term relationship in the middle of their relationship, but she kept going back to see him. After two months of sex, he still did not remember her name. However, that experience seems to be the best sex of her life.

 

 

Unfortunately, I had never seen that side of her with me. She tells me that those words to him were not meaningful and that she never said such words to me because I was more honorable and a gentleman. I always cared about making sex pleasurable for her and trying to learn how to make her satisfied. However, even though I am her age, in good shape, and love her, I doubt if I can get passed this and ever enjoy making love again with her because it seems like she enjoyed sex much more with this man. And yes, I'll say it, it seems like he was very well endowed. I am exactly average in that area, even though I am taller and bigger than him. She told me that sex was uncomfortable with this man, but her replies to him back then indicate to me that she did enjoy it very much.

 

 

Am I over reacting and is this something that people can get passed? I would like input from both men and women.

Edited February 15, 2014 by SD1000
Added last sentence

[Fluttershy]

Well, you don't mentioned if you guys were exclusive in those for months. And i can be far more forgiving to people who cheat in the start of a DATING relationship provided they pull up there socks and Commit. You were gone and she got smitten with this guy. That i a bad sign for her personality and she probably needs to do some soul searching.

 

As far as what she said. She was smitten and very possibly said what she felt he wanted to hear. It sounds more like ego strokijg and desperation than actual truth. So if you are willing to forgive her I don't think you have to worry so muc about what she said. Sounds like a lot of exageration to me.

 

But we are talking 2 year old messages? That she still had them is kinda weird. Really weird.

[road]

I doubt that you will on past this so best to ditch her. Were you exclusive when you started dating her? Normal to think that she would also be. Though she was not.

 

 

When you went away for those four months did you date any one else?

 

 

I understand why you are bothered. It is one thing to be aware that you were not her first BF. Though having no knowledge of her past it is easy to not be haunted by it.

 

 

However you found out that she was dating you and the OM at the same time frame. And guys do not like to share there women.

 

 

When you came back did your GF continue to see the OM?

[lolablue17]

You got a glimpse to her sex life before you. (lets skip the exact situation and assume its not cheating)

 

Its bad! No one wants to be compared to someone else - performance, size, etc... That is the only wrong issue here. After all, she had also sexual encounters with other men years before you.

 

So you should take those messages like the life she had before you.

She loves you, she chose you, she wants you! dont be jealous about her past. its pointless.

[SD1000]

Well, you don't mentioned if you guys were exclusive in those for months. And i can be far more forgiving to people who cheat in the start of a DATING relationship provided they pull up there socks and Commit. You were gone and she got smitten with this guy. That i a bad sign for her personality and she probably needs to do some soul searching.

 

As far as what she said. She was smitten and very possibly said what she felt he wanted to hear. It sounds more like ego strokijg and desperation than actual truth. So if you are willing to forgive her I don't think you have to worry so muc about what she said. Sounds like a lot of exageration to me.

 

But we are talking 2 year old messages? That she still had them is kinda weird. Really weird.

 

 

 

I thought we were exclusive during those first four months and that is what we lead each other to believe. Yes, she was not honest during those first four months. A few weeks before we could be together again, she sent the other man a message that said while he is very attractive and handsome, she knows that he is not ready for a relationship now, so it is time to part. After that point, it strongly seems that she was loyal to me.

 

 

About the sex, with me, she had always been much more reserved and never said sexy things to me. I was not so aggressive, but I told her that I would have been more aggressive if she had given me the same encouragement that she gave him. However, in general, I am more of a "classic stupid nice guy" and always showed my respect and care for her.

[SD1000]

I doubt that you will on past this so best to ditch her. Were you exclusive when you started dating her? Normal to think that she would also be. Though she was not.

 

 

When you went away for those four months did you date any one else?

 

However you found out that she was dating you and the OM at the same time frame. And guys do not like to share there women.

 

When you came back did your GF continue to see the OM?

 

 

 

I thought we were exclusive, but that may have been naïve on my part to expect that so soon. I did not date anyone else because I really liked her a lot. When we were together again, she did not continue to see the OM.

[peruano99]

Well get more aggressive with her during sex then OP.

 

After reading your thread more, I think you should let her go and find a woman who you truly are compatible in your love life with.

[SD1000]

She loves you, she chose you, she wants you! dont be jealous about her past. its pointless.

 

 

 

I feel that she chose me only because this other man was not looking for a long-term relationship with her. She has always told me that she loves me because I make her feel safe and comfortable. I just assumed it was her personality, and it hit me hard to see that she could be very expressive with the OM. For example, she told him that he was a very good lover. She has never said anything like that to me. I am afraid that she just doesn't have that sexual passion with me like she did with him. Our sex life did improve a lot for about a month before I saw her text messages. Since then we have been apart again for the past five weeks (for other reasons). It gives me time to really think if I can and should move past this. It may seem shallow on the surface, but it is very important to me.

[radman]

You will hear varying responses to your question, and I suspect they will be broken down along gender lines: there are men who will totally understand what you are saying (even though they may tell you to deal with it somehow) and women who will tell you "She chose you, get over it" and cannot understand your angst (by in large). But you've touched on a nerve that many men are sensitive about.

 

What many people (particularly women) don't understand is that "being the one she chose to be with" is sometimes little consolation. Yes, she chose him, but did she do so because he was better long-term husband material even though she feels he is a sub optimal lover and doesn't excite her the way the other guy does? I know its a juvenile paradigm, but is he the "beta" that she settles down with once she's done having fun with the "alpha"?

 

Many many men would rather be the hot stud that women lustily recall years later than the 'nice dependable great father' type that women want to commit to. Ideally, we'd like to be all things to our wives/girlfriends.

 

Is it all male ego? Perhaps. Remember women aren't judged as harshly in their sexual abilities as men (they are more judged on looks); a woman has to try really really really hard to be so bad in bed that a guy will say "wow, she was not the best sex I ever had". Thank the relatively reliability of the male orgasm. Men? Not so much.

 

Being the "nice guy with great long term qualities" but a dud in bed that a woman "chooses to be with" is still incredibly emasculating and I just wish I could articulate a similar distressing situation to women. Perhaps if a man "chooses to be with a woman" that he admits is definitely not attractive compared to prior girlfriends but has "other great qualities" but I'm not sure if that conveys it well.

[SD1000]

Well get more aggressive with her during sex then OP.

 

After reading your thread more, I think you should let her go and find a woman who you truly are compatible in your love life with.

 

 

 

I had always thought we were compatible and I would have no problem being more aggressive during sex, I just didn't know that was what she wanted.

[peruano99]

I feel that she chose me only because this other man was not looking for a long-term relationship with her. She has always told me that she loves me because I make her feel safe and comfortable. I just assumed it was her personality, and it hit me hard to see that she could be very expressive with the OM. For example, she told him that he was a very good lover. She has never said anything like that to me. I am afraid that she just doesn't have that sexual passion with me like she did with him. Our sex life did improve a lot for about a month before I saw her text messages. Since then we have been apart again for the past five weeks (for other reasons). It gives me time to really think if I can and should move past this. It may seem shallow on the surface, but it is very important to me.

 

If you feel like you two have no sexual chemistry, then I think you should have a talk with her about it.

 

Dude in order to know what your partner wants, you have to TALK to her about her needs.

 

 

Also size doesn't matter much...I am above average yet I can't enjoy sex as much because I worry about hurting my partner.

 

You have to know how to pleasure her in other ways, talk to her about what she wants, and be the best man you can during sex to make it passionate, wild, and that she wil never forget.

Edited February 15, 2014 by peruano99

[radman]

But some practical advice to the OP:

 

Despite not being the best she's ever had, you can take this as an opportunity to work yourself up to that level. Honest communication, finding out what floats her boat, etc. etc.

 

You may be starting off on the ground floor, but that doesn't mean you can't end up with the penthouse corner office. Comparing the sex my wife and I had in the beginning of our marriage to now, some 11 yrs later, is night and day. NEITHER of us knew what the hell we were doing back then; nowadays we are pretty much experts at each others turn ons and off and although we are learning something new about each other almost every time, we have an extremely enjoyable (and according to our friends, enviably) sex life.

[SD1000]

You will hear varying responses to your question, and I suspect they will be broken down along gender lines: there are men who will totally understand what you are saying (even though they may tell you to deal with it somehow) and women who will tell you "She chose you, get over it" and cannot understand your angst (by in large). But you've touched on a nerve that many men are sensitive about.

 

What many people (particularly women) don't understand is that "being the one she chose to be with" is sometimes little consolation. Yes, she chose him, but did she do so because he was better long-term husband material even though she feels he is a sub optimal lover and doesn't excite her the way the other guy does? I know its a juvenile paradigm, but is he the "beta" that she settles down with once she's done having fun with the "alpha"?

 

Many many men would rather be the hot stud that women lustily recall years later than the 'nice dependable great father' type that women want to commit to. Ideally, we'd like to be all things to our wives/girlfriends.

 

 

 

You have explained exactly how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

[peruano99]

But some practical advice to the OP:

 

Despite not being the best she's ever had, you can take this as an opportunity to work yourself up to that level. Honest communication, finding out what floats her boat, etc. etc.

 

You may be starting off on the ground floor, but that doesn't mean you can't end up with the penthouse corner office. Comparing the sex my wife and I had in the beginning of our marriage to now, some 11 yrs later, is night and day. NEITHER of us knew what the hell we were doing back then; nowadays we are pretty much experts at each others turn ons and off and although we are learning something new about each other almost every time, we have an extremely enjoyable (and according to our friends, enviably) sex life.

 

 

Also this, make her feel you are the best lover she ever had.

[SD1000]

If you feel like you two have no sexual chemistry, then I think you should have a talk with her about it.

 

Dude in order to know what your partner wants, you have to TALK to her about her needs.

 

 

Also size doesn't matter much...I am above average yet I can't enjoy sex as much because I worry about hurting my partner.

 

You have to know how to pleasure her in other ways, talk to her about what she wants, and be the best man you can during sex to make it passionate, wild, and that she wil never forget.

 

 

 

Dude, I have always been the one who tried to talk with her and learn her needs. She was always reserved and did not know what her needs were. She told me recently that I am the first man who started to get her to think about what is good for her. I have communicated with her and showed her that I like wild sex too. She seemed to enjoy it, but was never able to talk to me about it much and never was sexual to try to seduce me. Again I believed her that it was her personality and that she just did not have much experience with sex.

[SD1000]

But some practical advice to the OP:

 

Despite not being the best she's ever had, you can take this as an opportunity to work yourself up to that level. Honest communication, finding out what floats her boat, etc. etc.

 

............ Comparing the sex my wife and I had in the beginning of our marriage to now, some 11 yrs later, is night and day.

 

 

 

Among my previous three girlfriends (I am 45 after all), two of them we very happy with our sex life and they communicated with me about why they enjoyed it so much. I'm glad to hear that sex with your wife has improved during the years and is now wonderful for you. However, may I ask, did your wife at first seem to have that strong sexual attraction to you?

[radman]

Among my previous three girlfriends (I am 45 after all), two of them we very happy with our sex life and they communicated with me about why they enjoyed it so much. I'm glad to hear that sex with your wife has improved during the years and is now wonderful for you. However, may I ask, did your wife at first seem to have that strong sexual attraction to you?

 

We are somewhat unique. Due to our respective religious backgrounds, we were actually both virgins when we met and got married (in our late 20's). Shocking to most around here, I know.

 

To answer your question, she was very sexually attracted to me. Actually she was more attracted to me than I was to her; she was very much the 'per-surer'.

In addition, we didn't have sex until we were engaged so we had no prior sexual history (well, my wife did have someone perform oral sex on her once, but the guy ended up having a case of erectile dysfunction when she attempted to reciprocate fellatio on him. Not sure that counts).

 

Although I'm not in your shoes exactly, I have enough male empathy to understand what you are feeling. The boyfriend with the ED was bigger than I am (I'm borderline small) so I did have some jealousy.

[peruano99]

Dude, I have always been the one who tried to talk with her and learn her needs. She was always reserved and did not know what her needs were. She told me recently that I am the first man who started to get her to think about what is good for her. I have communicated with her and showed her that I like wild sex too. She seemed to enjoy it, but was never able to talk to me about it much and never was sexual to try to seduce me. Again I believed her that it was her personality and that she just did not have much experience with sex.

 

Okay, but you said she enjoys this "wild" sex with the older man before she met you...so I don't see what the problem is.

 

Also what is big to you and average?

 

Average is like 6 inches and bigger is anything from 7+

[SD1000]

Okay, but you said she enjoys this "wild" sex with the older man before she met you...so I don't see what the problem is.

 

 

 

 

 

Also what is big to you and average?

 

 

 

 

 

The problem is that she was very sexually expressive to this man and showed him encouragement and some sexual excitement that she has never expressed to me. I can't be angry at her for that, but if she can't have the same feelings for me, I should know. She also gave him oral sex, but never showed interest to do that with me. I asked her why and she said that he required her to do that.

 

 

Now she says that she will be more sexually expressive to me, but I don't want her to if she does it only because she feels she now has to.

Common knowledge about average seems to be between 5 and 7, but girth is probably more significant.

[Bryanp]

Sounds like she is in a type of damage control of sorts. It also seems that she simply is not that into you sex wise. She is sayings things to you to appease you. I would think long and hard if you truly wish to marry someone like this who it seems is not that compatible with you sexually. In the long run this will lead to long term problems.

[peruano99]

The problem is that she was very sexually expressive to this man and showed him encouragement and some sexual excitement that she has never expressed to me. I can't be angry at her for that, but if she can't have the same feelings for me, I should know. She also gave him oral sex, but never showed interest to do that with me. I asked her why and she said that he required her to do that.

 

 

Now she says that she will be more sexually expressive to me, but I don't want her to if she does it only because she feels she now has to.

Common knowledge about average seems to be between 5 and 7, but girth is probably more significant.

 

 

Okay now it's clear that she doesn't find you as sexually compatible....Make a choice, but do you really want to be with someone who you think doesn't enjoy sex with you?

[Allumere]

I'm a chick and I can even understand some of the confusion on your part. Now being a chick I can say that the best sex did not equal best relationship, love or any of that. I can also say that awful sex and/or low attraction would probably be something that would make me think twice if I was developing strong feelings for someone...BUT I know damn sure I wouldn't toss out the baby with the bathwater. There would be some dialog, directions etc. to see if the sex and attraction improved.

 

I can say the person I have loved the most I ultimately enjoyed being with the most....sex had more meaning and passion and tenderness! And yes, feeling safe added to that. Feeling confident, not afraid to express myself, knowing I was beautiful in his eyes despite all the things I pick on myself about...yeah, 10000x better then just great sex.

 

As far as her conversations with the dude, think about what everything was based on...his dick. Of course the conversations went that way. I doubt that is her norm. However, she may found that she liked that kind of flirting etc. so seems to me these are things you can talk about.

[SD1000]

Sounds like she is in a type of damage control of sorts. It also seems that she simply is not that into you sex wise. She is sayings things to you to appease you. I would think long and hard if you truly wish to marry someone like this who it seems is not that compatible with you sexually. In the long run this will lead to long term problems.

 

 

 

I agree that this is important to figure before being together again and continue with the marriage. In case it helps, the following is an email that she sent me last week about her thoughts.

 

 

I realize one issue when we make love. You always asked me what I want, and I always felt difficult to answer. The reason is not that I do not want to share with you, but becasue I do not know what I want. Only one thing I know very clearly, when I see you feel happy, I feel very happy and satisfied instantly. The happiness is something like golden sunshine filled into my heart and then flow into to each cell, my whole body feels very contented,relaxed and comfortable. I never thought much about my phyical need, actually no one asked me before. I thought women need to be a good ' follower' and neglect her own wants. This a what I learned growing up. It was my true thinking and behavior. Thanks for bringing me many new experiences , especially enlightening my thinking. No one ever gave me a chance to see and learn about myself as you did. I do appreciate you to help me to grow.

[Fluttershy]

What was her reaction when you confronted her?

 

The two personalities is disturbing. I think you should worry less about your penis size and ability in bed and more about the fact that she became so "pathetic" behaviour. It sounds like she was a love sick puppy willing to donand say anything to keep him and that is not an admirable trait. The question is... Has she gained sel respect and confidence or will someone come along and spark those feelings again. She will no she loves you but her undealt wirh weakness make her suseptiable.

 

You aren't married yet. Take some time and weigh the risks and what you want. I think focusing on the other guy bein better in bed and his penis size is not going to help you. Because honestly... Women lie all te time. When they are desperate and clingy... She obviously never felt desperate and cligy with you. That is the difference. But do you like desperate and clingly behaviour?

 

And again... 2 year old text messages? Still seems off... Like she was attatched or something.

[peruano99]

I agree that this is important to figure before being together again and continue with the marriage. In case it helps, the following is an email that she sent me last week about her thoughts.

 

 

I realize one issue when we make love. You always asked me what I want, and I always felt difficult to answer. The reason is not that I do not want to share with you, but becasue I do not know what I want. Only one thing I know very clearly, when I see you feel happy, I feel very happy and satisfied instantly. The happiness is something like golden sunshine filled into my heart and then flow into to each cell, my whole body feels very contented,relaxed and comfortable. I never thought much about my phyical need, actually no one asked me before. I thought women need to be a good ' follower' and neglect her own wants. This a what I learned growing up. It was my true thinking and behavior. Thanks for bringing me many new experiences , especially enlightening my thinking. No one ever gave me a chance to see and learn about myself as you did. I do appreciate you to help me to grow.

 

 

 

Something about your opening post I didn't understand, did she cheat on you with the older man or did she meet the older man before she met you?