female friends

[ASG]

How do I cope with what?

 

I have a male bff and a male acquaintance.

 

.

 

A life without friends!

[hotpotato]

A life without friends!

 

I dont understand how or why I wouldn't.

[hotpotato]

I agree with this^^ as I have several female friends and I'm talking about strictly platonic, nothing more or less. Having women as friends can really give insight into the dating world I've come to realize.

 

If a man just wanted to be platonic friends with me, that would be fine. However, thats not what most male friends are looking for.

[xxoo]

Do you have any desire to be a friend? It starts there for me. I meet someone I get along with, and I want to support that person, celebrate their joys with them, help them through tough times, etc.

 

Do you have close relationships with family? I live far from family, and have long viewed good friends as "the family you choose".

[Trnamakesnse]

Um, attractive, fun, good place to learn about women without worrying if they like you or might judge you because they are friends. I've learned more about women from women than I ever have from men ha. They're people some of them will make good friends for you it's really not all that special or different from male friends. Well they CAN introduce you to women more easily usually. It's good to have female friends because they'll help you with any grooming or specific questions you might have that men would feel awkward or just laugh at you for.

[gaius]

I wouldn't recommend them if you're a woman, they're great if you're a guy though. Maybe you're just not that needy potato. Nothing wrong with that. I get by with one guy I talk to maybe every other day and a few people I exchange small talk with occasionally. And a few posts here most days.

 

Would also answer the question in your last thread. Men like a somewhat needy woman.

[hotpotato]

I wouldn't recommend them if you're a woman, they're great if you're a guy though. Maybe you're just not that needy potato. Nothing wrong with that. I get by with one guy I talk to maybe every other day and a few people I exchange small talk with occasionally. And a few posts here most days.

 

Would also answer the question in your last thread. Men like a somewhat needy woman.

 

I just dont have a lot of needs. That's how I'm fine being a one woman show. A lot of women have a problem

 

going to the movies alone

being alone friday night

going out to eat alone

traveling alone

 

I dont. This is also how I can be single and happy for years.

 

I have had guys say I wasn't demanding. I'm usually not, as I dont want drama.

 

I hinted something like that in the thread. If I want to date I'll have to learn how to "dumb" myself down. The last girl I got left for, is well, quite different from me when it comes to this!

 

The flip side is that if men want me to be needy, they'll have to stop dumping me all of a sudden.

[hotpotato]

Do you have any desire to be a friend? It starts there for me. I meet someone I get along with, and I want to support that person, celebrate their joys with them, help them through tough times, etc.

 

Do you have close relationships with family? I live far from family, and have long viewed good friends as "the family you choose".

 

I decided I'd be open to friendship or an alliance.

[Els]

I guess I want someone to show me I'm not dodging a bullet by not having female friends...

 

Btw. sleeping with the boyfriend/husband is only one thing I've observed. I've also seen:

 

*gossiping about each other, literally as the other one is walking away

*one being nice to the other because the other has Xanax, lortab, percocet, etc

*blackmail

*threatening legal action against the other

 

Are you for real??

 

Rather than asking others to 'sell you' on the virtues of having friends, perhaps it might be a good idea to ask yourself why you have such a skewed view of half of the Earth's population. I can understand not particularly desiring 'girls' nights out' or to be around girlfriends all the time, I can understand wanting some time alone, and I can even understand having more male friends than female if circumstances warrant (male dominated career, etc).

 

What I cannot understand is that you somehow perceive all women to be blackmailers, usurpers, backstabbers, etc - despite never having truly attempted to befriend anyone. And somehow the notion that the problem might lie with YOU escapes you.

[Trimmer]

I maybe could be sold on it.

First you'd have to sell me on why it would be worth my effort to sell you on why it would be worth your effort to have female friends.

[gaius]

I just dont have a lot of needs. That's how I'm fine being a one woman show. A lot of women have a problem

 

going to the movies alone

being alone friday night

going out to eat alone

traveling alone

 

I dont. This is also how I can be single and happy for years.

 

I have had guys say I wasn't demanding. I'm usually not, as I dont want drama.

 

I hinted something like that in the thread. If I want to date I'll have to learn how to "dumb" myself down. The last girl I got left for, is well, quite different from me when it comes to this!

 

The flip side is that if men want me to be needy, they'll have to stop dumping me all of a sudden.

I'm a lot like that too and it's definitely contributed to periods of singleness. Your body just doesn't adapt to meet the needs of others as well as more needy people's do. Except in rare circumstances.

Are you for real??

 

Rather than asking others to 'sell you' on the virtues of having friends, perhaps it might be a good idea to ask yourself why you have such a skewed view of half of the Earth's population. I can understand not particularly desiring 'girls' nights out' or to be around girlfriends all the time, I can understand wanting some time alone, and I can even understand having more male friends than female if circumstances warrant (male dominated career, etc).

 

What I cannot understand is that you somehow perceive all women to be blackmailers, usurpers, backstabbers, etc - despite never having truly attempted to befriend anyone. And somehow the notion that the problem might lie with YOU escapes you.

Don't want to speak for potato but I know I rag on male friends in general. I'm sure there are some actually decent guys out there that make good friends but for whatever reason I always end up with some kind of messed up dynamic whenever I do make a male friend, which is why I've dropped all mine except for one. And he's the relative who was a bit of a surrogate father to me. Even so I still have to carefully manage him as he gets competitive and tries to humiliate me if I bring a woman around. Maybe something similar happens with potato, she ends up around the women that are like what she's talking about for whatever reason. And it's better just not to deal with them for her.

[lollipopspot]

I guess I want someone to show me I'm not dodging a bullet by not having female friends...

 

Btw. sleeping with the boyfriend/husband is only one thing I've observed. I've also seen:

 

*gossiping about each other, literally as the other one is walking away

*one being nice to the other because the other has Xanax, lortab, percocet, etc

*blackmail

*threatening legal action against the other

 

I feel that you've gotten your view of women interacting from Bravo TV and Real Housewives/spin-offs.

 

My question is: are you someone who would do these things to and with your female friends, if you had them? Because if you wouldn't gossip and blackmail and be fake-nice, there must be other females who wouldn't do those things too, right? You could find those women and try to be friends with them.

[hotpotato]

Are you for real??

 

Rather than asking others to 'sell you' on the virtues of having friends, perhaps it might be a good idea to ask yourself why you have such a skewed view of half of the Earth's population. I can understand not particularly desiring 'girls' nights out' or to be around girlfriends all the time, I can understand wanting some time alone, and I can even understand having more male friends than female if circumstances warrant (male dominated career, etc).

 

What I cannot understand is that you somehow perceive all women to be blackmailers, usurpers, backstabbers, etc - despite never having truly attempted to befriend anyone. And somehow the notion that the problem might lie with YOU escapes you.

 

Yes, I'm for real.

I'm sure not *all* female friendships are like that, but this is what ive seen of female friendships. Drama!

 

Actually, the one about talking about the supposed friend when they walk away is very common.

 

 

I'm sure there are some good female friendships out there. I'm sure not all of them are like that. There are going to be unique issues with female friendships since they share so much about so much each other. It's really bad when the friendship is coming to an end.

 

I guess it's best to do a cost benefits analysis when it comes to finding female friends.

 

 

First you'd have to sell me on why it would be worth my effort to sell you on why it would be worth your effort to have female friends.

 

So you got nothing?

 

I feel that you've gotten your view of women interacting from Bravo TV and Real Housewives/spin-offs.

 

My question is: are you someone who would do these things to and with your female friends, if you had them? Because if you wouldn't gossip and blackmail and be fake-nice, there must be other females who wouldn't do those things too, right? You could find those women and try to be friends with them.

 

Nope, it's from observing reality.

 

The problem is the potential good female friends are not wearing signs that say, "I'm safe" or "I'm not a gossiper." I can't look at them at tell who's who. Even being their acquaintance you can't yet tell what's going on.

[Emilia]

My sister and my ex husband are my best friends probably, apart from one other good friend. Those three I'm closest to. There is one other woman I was close friends with when we worked together in Africa, we chat on facebook (she lives on a different continent) and I miss her. Otherwise my other friendships are more 'fair weather' ones but there are a couple of cool women I get on with well in the office. Our office manager is a no-nonsense woman, very outspoken, great fun.

 

Benefits? I see benefits in talking to people I'm very close to and having known them all my life or all my adult life (20+ years) but I'm pretty independent. Travelled on my own for 2 years. I tend to get on easier with men because I don't have the patience for female insecurities sometimes and don't care much about shopping but when it comes to actual friendships, it's 50-50. There are cool people in both sexes. On a more superficial level men tend to be more interesting because they are funnier, go out more, often have more confidence to explore the world, etc. They are also less cliquey. Friendships are looser though. A great woman makes a good close friend.

[TB Rhine]

As many threads on this very forum can attest, there are downsides to being part of a close-knit GROUP of female friends - namely that there's always a Queen Bee, and if you do anything to displease said person, you can find yourself ostracized very quickly. This is the trap I think many girls fall into when they're young, and it ends up souring them on female friendship for a lifetime.

 

As I've advised others... focus on building close, one-on-one friendships with people of EITHER gender. Make sure potential male friends aren't just guys who wanna bang you, and make sure potential female friends aren't insecure-types who will want to bang a guy just 'cause they know you're into him. Beyond that, look for folks who enjoy doing similar kinds of things, like the same kinds of movies, etc.

[ASG]

As many threads on this very forum can attest, there are downsides to being part of a close-knit GROUP of female friends - namely that there's always a Queen Bee, and if you do anything to displease said person, you can find yourself ostracized very quickly. This is the trap I think many girls fall into when they're young, and it ends up souring them on female friendship for a lifetime.

 

As I've advised others... focus on building close, one-on-one friendships with people of EITHER gender. Make sure potential male friends aren't just guys who wanna bang you, and make sure potential female friends aren't insecure-types who will want to bang a guy just 'cause they know you're into him. Beyond that, look for folks who enjoy doing similar kinds of things, like the same kinds of movies, etc.

 

I think you'll find that's wholly inaccurate.

I was part of a close knit group of female friends in uni. And we're all still friends now, but life has gotten in the way, along with several thousand miles between most of us.

We met at university and one day, almost at the end of our first year, we bonded over dinner after a professor didn't show up for class. We became inseparable. We even had a name for our group and most people referred to us by our group name! We also had 2 honourary boys that were part of it (or rather joined us for most activities).

 

There was no queen bee or clear cut leader. We didn't all converge to the one person. There were 5 of us and our friendship was and is balanced.

 

I'm also an honourary member of another close knit group of girl friends. They also have a group name and again, in that group there is no queen bee. Just a balanced friendship between girls.

[hotpotato]

I decided to i accept that having female friends isnt for me unless they are like me. Im just not going to get along with most women.

 

Imo any potential downsides are overlooked because they need to companionship. I dont. I also think its easier and more fun for other women to make friends.

[Blade96]

I guess I want someone to show me I'm not dodging a bullet by not having female friends...

 

Btw. sleeping with the boyfriend/husband is only one thing I've observed. I've also seen:

 

*gossiping about each other, literally as the other one is walking away

*one being nice to the other because the other has Xanax, lortab, percocet, etc

*blackmail

*threatening legal action against the other

 

You just met a lot of evil females.

 

That old fairy tale is true, Youdo have to meet alot of toads before you find a prince (ss)

 

That appliesto friendships too.

 

P.S. Nooffence mean to actual toads and frogs.

[Sugarkane]

Hotpotato I can relate. Having been backstabbed, bullied and ostracized on more than one occasion it has left me wondering too. I know I make a good friend because I wouldn't do these things to a friend.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I've never had more than one or two close female friends at any given time in my life, but they have always been people who, even though we've moved apart, and speak less frequently, have left great imprints in my life. Just a simple example.

 

When I was going through some of the worst times in my marriage - deep depression, working full time, going to school and caring for 4 young children, my closest friend at the time would stop by the house, do a couple loads of laundry for me, help straighten up, tuck the kids in bed, and then just sit with me in silence through my bouts of depression. She wouldn't say much. Just sit with me. And it was one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. Someone that is just there...because they care about you.

[Timshel]

I completely get where you are coming from. Truth, some women are more adept, naturally to get along with other women. Women can be really cool to hang with occasionally. Some women are the real deal but they are the diamond in the rough.

 

Women are other women's worst enemy, the way we attack each other and pick each other apart. I have seen this too many times.

There is so much to respect about women in general. We seriously are able to be so much to so many and move mountains.

 

I am always shaking my head at how callously we treat each other to compete for men's attention and literally to bond with other women by finding someone to pick on "together"... twisted. "Oh no, I don't do that!" Really? When was the last time you were in public or at a party and a very attractive woman walked in? I bet your first instinct was to say: I bet she's super cool, I'll go converse and see what's going on. Haha, Nope, first instinct was to pick her apart, find fault and deflect your SO's attention. Like she really gives a ****. All she did was walk. How many times has the topic of your "girls night out" been about putting down another woman?

 

I know, I sound bitter. I personally love people. Good people male and female. That's it. There are some really insecure, dishonest and malicious people in this world. There are some kick-ass beautiful, loving and giving human beings here too, find them.

[lollipopspot]

When was the last time you were in public or at a party and a very attractive woman walked in? I bet your first instinct was to say: I bet she's super cool, I'll go converse and see what's going on.

 

I admit that sometimes I talk more about other people than I prefer (male or female)...but if someone beautiful (also male or female) walks in, I acknowledge it without competitiveness.

 

I don't base my worth on my appearance - it's just one quality in a person - and it's no stress for me to see someone more attractive than I am. If some guy wants that more than me, o.k.

 

I think women who base their worth in large part on their appearance, or are very insecure with themselves, are probably more at risk of being competitive with other women.

[preraph]

The only couple of women I've encountered who didn't like to have girlfriends were very threatened by them to the point of being hysterical about it, or gay and wanted to be seen as manly and overtried to be one of the boys at the office.

 

Since there's literally every kind of woman out there, ones who are sporty, ones who aren't, ones who are gossipy, ones who aren't, ones of literally every type to befriend if you're specialized, there is just no rational excuse not to have girlfriends and it must be looked upon as a personal limitation, in my opinion.

[Sugarkane]

My ex female co workers all ostracized to get ahead. They only looked after themselves. They all brown nosed, physically touched, and hugged our boss, who is twice our age. To get ahead. They would all help each other out, but never with me. When I was let go without a redundancy or even a thankyou, none of them ever contacted me.

[Timshel]

I admit that sometimes I talk more about other people than I prefer (male or female)...but if someone beautiful (also male or female) walks in, I acknowledge it without competitiveness.

 

I don't base my worth on my appearance - it's just one quality in a person - and it's no stress for me to see someone more attractive than I am. If some guy wants that more than me, o.k.

 

I think women who base their worth in large part on their appearance, or are very insecure with themselves, are probably more at risk of being competitive with other women.

 

I could not agree more. There is a reality for some women and it is an intangible thing. I love to see a beautiful woman, I did not say that I felt competitive or these things are based solely on looks. They are not. There is something deeper happening. Women are so innately judgmental of other women, I'm not sure how conscience we are of it.

 

I said there are jerks and there are sweeties. This is not only about appearance.