gettin' fired. self destructive behavior.

[blind_otter]

Feeling better today, much....honestly my massive depressive episode was probably related to withdrawals because I abruptly stopped a week long binge and laid in bed for 2 days out of sheer willpower, avoiding those who were enabling me because they themselves are addicts.

 

My bestfriend still cracks up at me when I get down....I mean, he's supportive, but even when I'm down I can usually stuff it and I actually kind of like the feeling. I "pretend" I'm ok....when I meet new people they don't know how awful the last few months have been for me, so.....I like acting, I guess. It's a form of escape. Pretend to be ok, feel ok for a while.

 

As depressed and in withdrawals as I was I went out for coffee with an older man, a lawyer, he was nice, I was cracking up because he's so straight-laced and I am such a nutjob that he was amused but overwhelmed by my demeanor. I got a weird "high" just hanging out and flirting for an hour or so.

 

Last night I ran into the guy who was trying to cheat on his "ex" with me. We made up. I said, I don't like to be mad, he said, well that's nice of you. It was a little awkward, but in the end it was nice to have an actual conversation of closure for once, even though it was a brief and highly sexual affair.

 

So I am weaning myself off pot again. Man it totally screws with my appetite. I mean, it's cool I've lost weight and am looking even svelter than before (thus I suppose, the stripper offer, since I was still a bit chunk right after my miscarriage), but I just don't seem to want to eat. Of course, that's probably also related somewhat to the clinical depression. My clothes are all baggy on me now, 'cept the skinny jeans are still too skinny for my big ass.

 

Pot is awful nice, though. I am missing it!

[katie79]

I am truly sorry about all this. It sounds as though you've been through quite a lot.

It's good you come here to talk, sometimes annoymous help is better than therapy! I really do sypathize for you, you've coped with a number of negative events.

But, as far as work goes, you have to "get yourself together" in that area. Work is probably the best thing for you actually. Its a window of opportunity for you to put your problems aside and concentrate on work only. I know how it feels when something personal that is extremely negative gets overtakes your life, and there you are at work, around people, having to focus on getting your job done, but there you are...at work! It sux royally. But whenever that happens to me, I allow myself to grieve for a few days, whether I call in sick or just be a little "slower" than usual to calm myself down. But after that "few days'' are gone, I have to get back to functioning at work. By that point, I have grieved enough, and work soon becomes a time for me to only focus on work and nothing more. In a sense, that's therapy. It's not good for your mental health to think about all negative factors in your life all day, b/c eventually you will get stuck in an emotional rut, which is a cycle of worries escalating into depression.

Don't move or become a stripper. Being a stripper will only make you feel worse about yourself in the long run. You'll get drunken losers groping you on stage while you're practically nude, get no respect, and you also run the risk of bumping into another nut who could bring on a bad event. As for grad school, just write you had a personal problem down. No one will ask. You can also put down "family emergency required my full-time attention. Make up a lie if at all possible. But like I said, I doubt anyone will ask since that stuff is personal. Good luck!

[blind_otter]

I've talked a lot with my therapist, as well as with friends, about the fact that I NEED to stay single for a few months. I haven't really done that before. My bestfriend told me to just stay single and if I needed to cuddle or whatever to just call him (course he is a playa so there's always a 50/50 chance he's with a chicky depending on what time of night, though the other night he kicked his date out so I could come over because I called him crying about my ex again).

 

I need this. I really want to get better, to be able to have healthy relationships for once in my life, to stop hating myself so much and abusing myself so much....

[Barby]

I need this. I really want to get better, to be able to have healthy relationships for once in my life, to stop hating myself so much and abusing myself so much....

 

 

I KNOW you can do it, you are a strong woman to have overcome soooo much in such a short lifetime! Since you know you need this, I believe that (no KNOW) that you'll be able to do it! Keep your head up, you can do it and you'll feel better and know it was worth all the pain once things begin to get better/healthier! You know we're here for ya!