Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I am still left with a huge dent in my pride. I just need to vent. I will feel better after. A lot of you ladies probably relate to this. Being with the guy who isn't that into you, isn't truly attracted to you and treats you like crap, only to go onto meet a beautiful woman whom he is crazy about and treats like a queen. I am over my ex in a romantic sense. I miss him immensely as a best friend but that is it. I feel so ashamed that all his friends probably saw that I was only ever a convenient girl he kept around. I was that girl who was with a guy who wasn't into her yet loved her as a person. Gee like that is a fcking consolation, "but he did love me as a person at least:sick:" It is embarrassing to know that I was the girl he used to pass time and who he LOVED to hang with yet wasn't in love with. He cheated on me hundreds of time online and he screwed hookers in real life a few times. He never went down on me in bed, besides when I asked him to, he happily did it but he didn't get turned on by it. Then he meets a 19 yr old supermodel (he is 27 like me), and I am sure he is head over heels for her, would never cheat on her, and he is obviously hyper attracted to her. He was never attracted to me. I had a nice body at the time and he liked banging me but that is it. Yep. He never lusted for me yet he is probably totally crazy about her in bed. She is a young model. I am a much older average/cute chick. UGH. I feel so STUPID for being the girl who dated a guy who never had romantic feelings for her, who just wasn't into, and who then goes onto meet the "hot girl" he truly desires and treats her like a queen (when he did NOTHING nice for me). I just feel ashamed I let myself be subject to a relationship where the guy wasn't even sexually into me. Why did I let myself? Many guys tell me I am stunning (to them, I realise I am not universally attractive or conventionally beautiful). Anyways. The good news is, since this ex, I have managed to mostly find guys who are truly sexually charged towards me and who think I am gorgeous. Some wanted just sex, others wanted more. I seem to have a no tolerance policy for guys who aren't totally into me thee days. PLUS my good friend met a guy who was head over heels for her from date one, so I now recognise the signs a guy is truly into me. I wanted to let that out. I feel better now. I NEVER want to let myself be the girl who dates the guy who isn't into her and cheats on her until he finds the girl of his dreams ever again.
gothicrose Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Good on you. You know that when she gets a bit older and another, younger model looks his way, he will cheat on her too. Or hopefully, as he ages, she will find a better looking and younger model Guys like that are never satisfied. 2
RDawg Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 That instant chemistry is no guarantee of long term compatibility. Although I do agree that one really shouldn't have to ask for oral sex.. that's a red flag. 1
JourneyLady Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 pffft... I'll echo the sentiments and add a quote.... ""The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated." - Eliza Doolittle, "My Fair Lady" If I ever figure this one out, I'll let you know. I treated one lousy, he treated me well until I started to turn my behavior around not liking myself and he left me. The other I treated well from the beginning and he too, never was "into" me. But look, so many people come from families of divorce these days and were raised on stupid romance movies. It's no wonder society is screwed up. The girl he's into? You don't know what's on the inside of that, nor whether she's that into him. You can't see down the road and best not to try. While there's time left live it! I have similar emotions and feelings, but I'll never let them take me down - at least not permanently!
Mr Scorpio Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I have been there. I was a place holder up until the day my ex met her husband. She distanced herself from me prior to meeting him, lied about his existence, and then poof. These things happen.
central Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 It's easy to blame the guy, but you knew he wasn't into you, and you put up with that. Hopefully you will see the signs and never settle for that again, unless it's something you mutually agree to and want (as in FWB) in order to pass the time until someone(s) more compatible comes along for either or both of you.
radiodarcy Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I have totally been there - - including the bedroom stuff and he never did that for me even when I asked . I too am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be treated that way and it lasted for 2.5 years! To boot, this guy was my first everything: kiss, love, sexual experience. Which is why it was so hard for me to let go. I am thankfully long since out of that whole situation. But I have had instances where I was still used. Thankfully, I saw the warning signs and got out those situations much much sooner than the one in stayed in before. Now I am in therapy and learning why I get into these situations and how to building up my self-esteem so it doesn't happen again. I've also refrained from dating and am simply concentrating on the relationships I have with my friends and family and building new platonic friendships with others. I'm learning that the key to staying out of those situations is by appreciating *me* and surrounding myself with people who appreciate me as well. Not just one aspect of me. 2
SadNLonley Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Look at it this way, at least now you know you don't have to settle for a man like that. Each bad experience makes us smarter. Makes us realize what we want out of a relationship. What we dont want. Dont feel down on yourself about him not being physically into you. Thats his issue. I bet you rock someone elses world. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Don't beat yourself up about it. Life is a learning process. Even now, you are doing stupid things that you'll laugh and possibly cry about someday. So am I. That's life But yeah, I won't ever again bother with a man who isn't sweet, attentive, and romantic. I'm just getting to know a new guy now, and when it comes to this stuff, he's the polar opposite of my ex. Very sweet and romantic, already trying to figure out my favorite flowers for Valentine's Day 4
Fivekaday Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Don't you have a new boyfriend? If so why do you care what an ex is up to? People happy in their lives and happy in their relationships really couldn't care less about an ex... 1
Philosoraptor Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Don't you have a new boyfriend? If so why do you care what an ex is up to? People happy in their lives and happy in their relationships really couldn't care less about an ex... Yea. They have a word for people who haven't let the past go but continue to pursue new relationships. 2
mercuryshadow Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I understand, but i think it can go both ways. My previous bf of 5 years was extremely attracted to me, in an almost animalistic way. At first, i was very attracted to him as well, but the kind of chemistry that makes for a lasting, trusting relationship just wasn't there, and it took me far too long to let go. Over the course of the years, his actions proved that he had no respect for me as a person, yet i was blinded by the fact that he was so attracted to me. Sad! There was a huge void in that relationship, and it ended in a huge mess of lies and betrayal. It was such a horrific relationship that i believe it stunted my personal growth in so many ways. However, it was so difficult to become detached, even when i knew i needed to. When i finally severed all ties and collected my last few items from his house, his parting words to me were: "i should have raped you while i had the chance." I had not been intimate with him for about two months prior to the final severance. That's a scary kind of attraction. I think it is best to find a good balance of attraction, chemistry and matching values. Clearly, my last relationship was missing huge parts of that balance. The relationship with my FI is very balanced, which at first was so different to me! There is very little "passion driven" drama, which was a big adjustment for me at first. However, it feels far better to walk around knowing that i am loved and respected, than to be in a constant ball of anxiety, wondering what's going to happen next. That's not to say that we don't have some conflict here and there, but it's never about lies, betrayal or cheating. Thank goodness for the lesson i learned. I am a far healthier person now. 3
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 It's easy to blame the guy, but you knew he wasn't into you, and you put up with that. Hopefully you will see the signs and never settle for that again, unless it's something you mutually agree to and want (as in FWB) in order to pass the time until someone(s) more compatible comes along for either or both of you. It was not as simply as thinking " well he just isn't that into me". Honestly, he did feel a special " jolt" when he met me - he AND I both felt something very peculiar from the moment we met. Not chemistry - but just ... we basically both feel like we were meant to meet. We were "best friends" and we loved spending all out time together, and hence he really DID love me as a person so it was not that apparent that he wasn't that into me. He DID act like he was into me in a lot of key ways. He WAS really, super into ME as a PERSON - he just wasn't into me in a romantic way, he didn't have that spark towards me that drives guys to want to please a girl. Lastly - we were very close. Extremely close. He may not have been into me in a romantic or sexual sense, yet he was 100% himself around me and he had never previously felt THAT comfortable around another person. I always had a hunch that he wasn't in love with me. I just wasn't 100% sure of it... Even after he met his new stunning model who is MUCH younger than me, he told me " you know I felt something more special when I met YOU initially, you know that strange feeling we had. He isn't bullsh*tting, as we both had a very peculiar feeling when we first met. His mum had just passed away (he was super close to his mum), and I was trying to overcome a mental illness. I believe we were supposed to meet in order to help each other. I gained weight and I have not been ill since meeting Andrew. As for his grief? Well, I was there when he broke down and needed someone there. His new gf works with the disabled and so I am very happy that he is obviously with a caring person now:)
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Yea. They have a word for people who haven't let the past go but continue to pursue new relationships. Excuse me? I do not have romantic feelings for me ex. I would not take him back even if I was SINGLE and he begged me:lmao: I seldom think of him now. Writing this thread about my ex does not show in any way that I am not into my current guy. I am head over heels for current guy, and I am shocked that I met the "real deal" so soon after my ex dumped me last May 2013. I made this topic because I am still emotionally scared due to my ex - due to being the lovely, funny and fun girl to have around who you LOVE hanging with, but who you aren't in love with - kind of girl. Being that kind of girl in the past^^^ has caused issues in my current R.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 I understand, but i think it can go both ways. My previous bf of 5 years was extremely attracted to me, in an almost animalistic way. At first, i was very attracted to him as well, but the kind of chemistry that makes for a lasting, trusting relationship just wasn't there, and it took me far too long to let go. Over the course of the years, his actions proved that he had no respect for me as a person, yet i was blinded by the fact that he was so attracted to me. Sad! There was a huge void in that relationship, and it ended in a huge mess of lies and betrayal. It was such a horrific relationship that i believe it stunted my personal growth in so many ways. However, it was so difficult to become detached, even when i knew i needed to. When i finally severed all ties and collected my last few items from his house, his parting words to me were: "i should have raped you while i had the chance." I had not been intimate with him for about two months prior to the final severance. That's a scary kind of attraction. I think it is best to find a good balance of attraction, chemistry and matching values. Clearly, my last relationship was missing huge parts of that balance. The relationship with my FI is very balanced, which at first was so different to me! There is very little "passion driven" drama, which was a big adjustment for me at first. However, it feels far better to walk around knowing that i am loved and respected, than to be in a constant ball of anxiety, wondering what's going to happen next. That's not to say that we don't have some conflict here and there, but it's never about lies, betrayal or cheating. Thank goodness for the lesson i learned. I am a far healthier person now. Well do on your progress! Your ex sounds like a creep:sick: You can have animalistic attract towards someone without wanting to RAPE them:sick: About chemistry - I always wished at the time that my ex was more into me in a sexual way:( He wasn't NOT into me at all, he did get very turned on during sex and held me tightly and he enjoyed using sex as a means to be close to me as well as get his rocks off. So it was still not just pure sex for him, it was something he enjoyed as a means of getting close to a person who is your "companion" so to speak. I had that animalistic attracted to the biggest prick back last year in September. We couldn't last more than 30 mins together without wanting to fool around. I know he felt this too. Unfortunately, he was a prick and he didn't like me enough as a person to want to be with me, so he disappeared after a month.
Fivekaday Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) Leigh you have posted over 7000 posts and god knows how many threads. God knows how many guys were involved in those 7000 posts. You are with this new guy what 3 months? Yet you carry on as if he is 'the one' and you know each other for years. You (according to your recent threads) have a million questions scrambling around in your head. Not only that you have let an ex affect you who YOU are despite having moved on...... There is ZERO percent chance of your new relationship working out and you have NO idea as to 'why'. Now you will just get defensive like you always do. No shock there. Thats what emotionally immature people do. It's in the handbook. You asked in another thread what u are doing wrong. In truth there are too many things to even start with. But here's a few pointers.. 1) Forget an ex's opinion (good or bad) or what they are doing it's irrevelant.. 2) SLLLOWWWW down with mr new guy. What is the rush to get to A-Z so fast? If I want to know something about a new partner, guess what? I don't post it on an internet forum. I have enough confidence in myself and trust my judgement. Plus (more importantly) I simply enjoy the start! The best part. Do you think you come across as a person in control and 'enjoying' the ride? Leigh I am not saying this to be nasty, but you need to be spend years in therapy and be single until you know who you are. If you don't slow down and truly evaluate and learn, the mess u have made in your 20's will continue into your 30's and 40's and you will be totally oblivious as to 'why'..A point that has been made MANY times to you before, but you simply choose to ignore. Want a glimpse of the future? 20,000 posts on Loveshack and 4 or 5 more failed relationships with guys you were 'crazy' about unless u do something NOW...Will you? Nope..Time to get defensive again..So predictable. Edited February 6, 2014 by Fivekaday
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 It is absurd that you think I have NO chance with the new guy. I have regular therapy and I am just fine. There is no need to turn away love because " I need to spend YEARS single". YEARS single? You have absolutely no idea if that is the best thing for me. You're not me, nor any of my close friends or family. OR my therapist. It is totally ridiculous that you ASSUME I have a zero % chance with the current guy. We are a great fit.
guest572 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 That was a bit harsh. Am I missing something? I have been there too.. I sux. I think I was just so in love with him that I ignored the fact that he wasnt anywhere near as interested or invested in the relationship as me. I really wanted it to work and ignored my insecurities and uncertainties. Still, I have no regrets and feel no shame. It is what it is. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 That was a bit harsh. Am I missing something? I have been there too.. I sux. I think I was just so in love with him that I ignored the fact that he wasnt anywhere near as interested or invested in the relationship as me. I really wanted it to work and ignored my insecurities and uncertainties. Still, I have no regrets and feel no shame. It is what it is. Yeah you are missing years of my stupid threads. I used to be totally inept at relationships. I would do everything you're not supposed to do. Now though I am at a stage where I know how to go about dating guys. I don't do anything to scare them off:lmao: I have spent years here listening to smart people who are much wiser than me. They were ALL RIGHT about my ex and now I can see it too. Geez it was harsh - since I DID take everyone's advice on here, and I am in regular therapy and I don't realty do anything wrong when it comes to dating. Anyways. Thanks for making me feel better. It is very comforting to know that I am not the only woman who has been with a guy who wasn't as invested as I was...... You feel like an idiot afterwards but hey, at least we know better for next time:lmao: I can safely say the current guy is completely on the same page as me. I know we may not work out, there is no guarantees in life. However, at least I have experienced a relationship the kind of love from a man that I DESERVE, instead of clinging to a guy who isn't as into me as I am into him. I hope you have learnt your lesson too, I wish you the best of luck. Thans for sharing:)
Fivekaday Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) Ok the years of therapy is an exaggeration and I shouldn't have put that in there, as it took away from the effectiveness of my post. Just read all your threads Leigh that you have started since you have been here. You are all over the place. This is why a relationship can't work with you right now. The dynamics are all wrong. The big problem here is you simply can't grasp that fact. Show me ONE person that reads through your threads/posts and would call you an emotionally healthy woman in control of her life. The things you worry about are actually the things you shouldn't be worried about. An ex has moved on and wasn't overly attracted to you, yet somehow this still effects you? Your boyfriend and his past relationships and how he acted previously effects you, even though he has shown nothing but love and affection to you. You have no real sense of self Leigh. How do I know this? Over 200 threads (as a guess) you have started on LS. A million questions, a million different problems. How can anyone possibly have a healthy relationship when they behave and act as you do? It's impossible Leigh, hence my confident zero percent chance of this new relationship working. You constantly look for reassurance on this site. The photo's in your profile why add those? I mean what is that about? You constantly defend yourself against other posters. Everything from your looks to decisions you made in the past. When someone disagrees with you the self defenses come up and the message people are trying to get across gets lost. Healthy guys what a confident girl in control of her life. Who has direction and knows what she wants. Leigh do you really consider yourself that person from reading your own threads? I am a guy. If I was your boyfriend and I came across this profile on LS I would run and never look back. 'When', there is no IF here your relationship breaks up, I hope you come back to this thread and then I hope you start to worry and act on the things that you should. Otherwise you are doomed to repeat and doomed to fail without ever knowing why. Do you want to know the difference (from he outside) between this guy -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/358320-boyfriend-does-not-believe-he-not-love-me and your new boyfriend? NOTHING...More threads, more questions, same patterns, same conclusion. Harsh? Of course it is, but that is the reality facing you. You just choose to ignore it.. Edited February 6, 2014 by Fivekaday
Fivekaday Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I think the photo's are quite nice actually. That's neither here nor there....
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 I think the photo's are quite nice actually. Me too. Thanks !
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Ok the years of therapy is an exaggeration and I shouldn't have put that in there, as it took away from the effectiveness of my post. Just read all your threads Leigh that you have started since you have been here. You are all over the place. This is why a relationship can't work with you right now. The dynamics are all wrong. The big problem here is you simply can't grasp that fact. Show me ONE person that reads through your threads/posts and would call you an emotionally healthy woman in control of her life. The things you worry about are actually the things you shouldn't be worried about. An ex has moved on and wasn't overly attracted to you, yet somehow this still effects you? Your boyfriend and his past relationships and how he acted previously effects you, even though he has shown nothing but love and affection to you. You have no real sense of self Leigh. How do I know this? Over 200 threads (as a guess) you have started on LS. A million questions, a million different problems. How can anyone possibly have a healthy relationship when they behave and act as you do? It's impossible Leigh, hence my confident zero percent chance of this new relationship working. You constantly look for reassurance on this site. The photo's in your profile why add those? I mean what is that about? You constantly defend yourself against other posters. Everything from your looks to decisions you made in the past. When someone disagrees with you the self defenses come up and the message people are trying to get across gets lost. Healthy guys what a confident girl in control of her life. Who has direction and knows what she wants. Leigh do you really consider yourself that person from reading your own threads? I am a guy. If I was your boyfriend and I came across this profile on LS I would run and never look back. 'When', there is no IF here your relationship breaks up, I hope you come back to this thread and then I hope you start to worry and act on the things that you should. Otherwise you are doomed to repeat and doomed to fail without ever knowing why. Do you want to know the difference (from he outside) between this guy -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/358320-boyfriend-does-not-believe-he-not-love-me and your new boyfriend? NOTHING...More threads, more questions, same patterns, same conclusion. Harsh? Of course it is, but that is the reality facing you. You just choose to ignore it.. Look, I don't think the same way as I did when I wrote those threads. I literally don't feel the same way about life. I know how I feel now. I am no longer the woman of my past three who doesn't believe in monogamy and who scares guys at the gym away with notes. I would never do anything remotely like what I once did in my threads. I once believed in open relationships. I was strongly against monogamy. I am the polar opposite now. The way I felt 2 years ago ain't relevant now. My boyfriend known my history. There IS a chance we will marry and stay together. It's totally crazy of Anyone to think otherwise. Also, I do have a sense lf self. I know my likes and dislike. I am very happy with the lovely and kind person I have turned into thanks. I have very strong and set political beliefs. Plus I have VERY decent friends. If I was so "unhealthy" then I would not have a bunch of very hugh quality people as good friends. Frankly, I am desirable enough to attract decent men. Hence my boyfriend. Hence the decent guys who would likely find me if I were to dump my bf. I know I'm not model material but I AM desirable enough to not just stay single for too long. My bf knows about my past and all the crazy things I've done to scare guys off. He knows that I slept around ( and frankly doesn't care. My vagina IS VERY tight and authentically pleasing to look at). He cares about whether I have can be faithful to him. Which I know I can.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 That's neither here nor there.... Well a lot of people do find me attractive thanks. Didn't your mother say if there isn't anything nice to say don't say it?. I believe I'm a pleasant looking girl to most people. Your opinion doesn't dictate how I view myself.
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