Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Please help me. This is a long post, but is the most important thing I have ever written on here. I am majorly attached to a person who I do not think is truly in love with me. He is also JUST as attached to me, and actually thinks I am the love of his life. He does not even believe me when I tell him he loves me, but is not IN LOVE with me. My bf and I love each other a great deal. I have been the closest person to him since his mother passed away recently. He was extremely close to his mother, and since meeting me, I have become his new " safe place". He has strongly latched on to me since her passing. He cannot even sleep unless I am hugging him as he goes to sleep. He is that attached. If it were not for a poster on loveshack, I would not be writing this! Before I had this posters point of view, I could see a very happy future with Andrew. We had a rough start, largely because I had anorexia and had been socially isolated for years without being around ANY people (besides my parents). Add to this, that Andrew had never been in a mature relationship before; just a string of girls in his teens that he was not even into enough to introduce to his friends. He has only been into TWO girls in his adult life, enough to date. I no longer have any issue with my body (besides from feeling better when I work out and deat right) and I am now fine around people. I have really changed and recovered from a lot of my mental issues since meeting Andrew. I would not even eat out of the same plates as other people when I met him, as I was a clean eater and too scared to touch anything that sugar had been on (aka, other peoples plates and cuttlery). I literally brought my own plastic plates around with me.... Now I am totally normal in regards to food, and am not longer an ultra weirdo when I am around people; in fact, I am extremely SOCIAL and do well around people now! The best thing he has done for me, is turned me into a far more positive person! He is like that himself, and being with him made me want to be a better person. I worked hard for it, but I now enjoy the benefits of being a very positive and up beat person. ..Now for part two of the post! So as to not overwhelm you all with a sea of writing.... For the few who will bother reading this, that is....
ScienceGal Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Hooray for double negatives! How about "My boyfriend thinks he's in love with me, but I don't think he is". I wouldn't waste time with the "love" versus "in love" debate. Also, how about a little trust and letting him feel however he says he feels? Lighten up! 2
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Oh god, Leigh..... not again..... :rolleyes::rolleyes: 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Despite the difficult start, we are very happy together and it is very stable. We were both looking forward to many more years together. ...........However:I am not sure that he is in love with me. The ONLY reason I question this, is because of what a very wise poster on here talked to me about. A LOT. Before this poster communicated with me a lot via private pms, I HONESTLY thought I would marry Andrew and be with him for the rest of my life, or at least many happy years. Reasons why I think we should move on Andrew saw a few hookers during our time together: most WITH me there, but on time without me there. He believes that he can truly love a girl, and also be able to have meaningless sex with hookers. Interestingly - he is NOT ABLE to hook up with non hookers, and go through the process of kissing and foreplay - he is good looking, hs had plenty of chances, and I truly believe him (my gut instinct is never wrong) Andrew had always seen hookers before me. He had money growing up, and was able to afford hookers. He was also a boy that prefered to have fun with his mates than chase girls, so he partied with his mates and opted to get hookers instead of bothering with girls. He has decided that meaningless sex is not for him anymore. He wants to only be with me sexually. He honestly does not have an issue with it, and is very satisfied with the notion of the one women. Andrew 100% believes that even with women he truly loves, he would be able to have meaningless sex with women. Not new women all the time of course! I mean, the occasional threesome or hooker. He was REALLY into the girl before me too, and he wanted to have a threesome with her, too (not that they found a girl for it). I KNOW Andrew is/was REALLY into us both, and totally adored us both! So he IS capable of having meaningless sex with others while he loves women... ....but loving and being IN love are different, apparently! A poster on here, who I have talked to EXTENSIVELY on the matter, has told me that: Andrew may THINK he is totally in love with me, but if he met a girl he was truly in love with, he would not be able to have sex with others, in any context. ......... SO is there really a magical " in love" feeling, that Andew will feel one day, whereby he suddenly changes who he is? Where his dreams of threesomes goes out the window, and he suddenly realizes " wow, I 100 thought I could love a women and have a threesome with them, but man, I cannot be do this now, not with THIS women.... LEIGH WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( haha ! ) " .
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Oh god, Leigh..... not again..... :rolleyes::rolleyes: But what if there IS that magical " in love" feeling, whereby Andrew and guys like Andrew suddenly realize "wow, I like threesomes, but I am not able to do them with THAT girl" Andrew 100% disagrees with me on this. He thinks he knows how he feels, and is correct on it.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I am not actually going to leave him at this stage. We are not ready for it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I hate to change the subject … well, maybe not, really: Have you started working? Are you working FULL TIME? How's it going?
KatZee Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I am not actually going to leave him at this stage. We are not ready for it. So what was the point of this thread? As if there is a "right" time to break up with someone? Rarely are both people "ready" for a breakup.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Seriously, Leigh. If you can't or won't believe what your boyfriend tells you, you DO NOT BELONG IN A RELATIONSHIP. Whether he loves you, is in love with you, idolizes you, thinks of you like a mommy, or whatever - it makes no difference, because you just keep on following the stories you tell yourself in your head instead of dealing with real life. 7
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I hate to change the subject … well, maybe not, really: Have you started working? Are you working FULL TIME? How's it going? I work part time, in a job that finishes the day before X mas.... I am going to study part time next year (I enrolled) in the hope I can work full time. If I do not get full time work by second semester (July), I will just study full time and accept part time work that comes along. I have not looked hard for more work lately, I bet I will get a job once I start looking daily again.
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 seriously, leigh. If you can't or won't believe what your boyfriend tells you, you do not belong in a relationship. whether he loves you, is in love with you, idolizes you, thinks of you like a mommy, or whatever - it makes no difference, because you just keep on following the stories you tell yourself in your head instead of dealing with real life. ^^^^^ this ^^^^^^
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Seriously, Leigh. If you can't or won't believe what your boyfriend tells you, you DO NOT BELONG IN A RELATIONSHIP. Whether he loves you, is in love with you, idolizes you, thinks of you like a mommy, or whatever - it makes no difference, because you just keep on following the stories you tell yourself in your head instead of dealing with real life. He truly believes he is as in love as you CAN be. I do believe he THINKS he loves me. And he does indeed love me a GREAT deal. But that is not the same as being " in love" Furthermore, he is not a deap thinker, and the poster who I have communicated with at length IS: I feel that there is a chance that Andrew could meet a girl, whereby he will realize " wow, I was not truly in love with Leigh, because I was able to have sex with hookers, where as I could not go through with that with ThiS girl"
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 So what was the point of this thread? As if there is a "right" time to break up with someone? Rarely are both people "ready" for a breakup. Just before Christmas? When I have NO ONE to spend Christmas day with:sick: Would you want to spend X mas day comletely alone, no presents, no people? I would much rather spend it with my beloved dogs (his dogs that have became mine.. I am the BIGGEST dog lover and love them incredibly) I know what it is: I will always KNOW I am with a guy who is not in love with me truly, but that is fine, he still adores me and would never hurt me. We have a lot of laughs together every day. No need to break up NOW. ....... Besides, Andrew does not BELIEVE what I am saying. Andrew thinks I am utterly ridiculous to believe any one else, he cannot BELIEVE I would doubt what HE thinks. He honestly thinks he is in love with me, and would be how he is with EVERY GIRL he fell in love with. He loved one other girl, I could TELL he was very much into her, too; yet He wanted a threesome with her also. .....I guess the two girls he has been really into, he was still able to entertain the idea of meaningless sex/ threeosmes.... He was really into us both, but obviously it was love and not " in love". It has really decieved him, as he truly WAS super into that girl, and me, it would be SO EASY to mistake it for true love; he does not have the capacity to explore love, and he feels for me sstrongly enough to believe it just IS true love.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Well, this deep thinking poster hasn't been doing you any favors. There are billions of people who can have sex with hookers or whomever when they are "IN LOVE" with somebody. Not everyone is 100% sexually monogamous. Like all the polygamous and open relationship folks. And all the cheaters who have a sexual compulsion - this would still be at play whether they were "IN LOVE" or not. Which you basically were, no matter how many rambling paragraphs you unwind here telling us that you were never. Anyway, YOU, Leigh, are not "IN LOVE." Being in love is all about giving and receiving trust, and truly knowing your partner while allowing yourself to be known. Being "IN LOVE" has nothing to do with this ridiculous nonsense. You really need to develop your life. 2
Citizen Erased Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 You think you can tell people how they're feeling? Why would you know better than the actual person? "I'm a little under the weather today" "No honey, you just THINK you are". Not making much sense. 1
CptSaveAho Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 A lot of people can tell how others are feeling She's just projecting.... her posts have an insane amount of "self talk"
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 You think you can tell people how they're feeling? Why would you know better than the actual person? "I'm a little under the weather today" "No honey, you just THINK you are". Not making much sense. Oh, I know that HE truly believes that he is in love with me. I am just unsure about things, since I got talking to this poster, who I have talked to at great lengths with about this issue. This poster swears that a guy cannot be truly in love, and have meaningless sex with a hooker the way my partner did.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Well, this deep thinking poster hasn't been doing you any favors. There are billions of people who can have sex with hookers or whomever when they are "IN LOVE" with somebody. Not everyone is 100% sexually monogamous. Like all the polygamous and open relationship folks. And all the cheaters who have a sexual compulsion - this would still be at play whether they were "IN LOVE" or not. Which you basically were, no matter how many rambling paragraphs you unwind here telling us that you were never. Anyway, YOU, Leigh, are not "IN LOVE." Being in love is all about giving and receiving trust, and truly knowing your partner while allowing yourself to be known. Being "IN LOVE" has nothing to do with this ridiculous nonsense. You really need to develop your life. I do love Andrew. I am just utterly confused, after talking with that poster, about that being IN love really means. I would do anything for Andrew, and do love him as much as my own parents. And I know I love him on a deaper level than platonic.... I am just very confused about the whole hooker debarcle. Although it does not happen now and Andrew never even brings it up, I cannot help but wonder: would he totally change who he is, if he met the right girl? (and not be able to have had threesomes with this girl he is " in love" with)
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 (edited) Oh, I know that HE truly believes that he is in love with me. I am just unsure about things, since I got talking to this poster, who I have talked to at great lengths with about this issue. This poster swears that a guy cannot be truly in love, and have meaningless sex with a hooker the way my partner did. Explain please 1) WHY you subject your relationship (which you claim is serious and important to you) to dissection with an unknown person on the Internet, and 2) WHY what this stranger tells you is more "true" than what your own boyfriend tells you. What about YOU? I guess you don't know what love is either, if you need a random "poster" to lay it all out for you. Edited November 21, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 And yes, I do need to develop my own life more, but that takes time. Self development will only occur once I start studying, working more often, and meeting new people. For now I just learn Spanish from a book Andrew gave me. And I cook, and enjoy learning new things to cook. I do have a two good friends, and a few people that I just "talk to" occasionally, on facebook ( as I have Andrew and seldom see other people) I think when I start studying and finding more work I will feel a lot better. I have far too much time on my hands to think, I really HATE it, I am a person that needs to be full and busy in my life.
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Oh - And Chaucer, We know each other in the sense that we KNOW we can trust each other... We both know we would not cheat or hurt one another in a deceptive way. My instinct and gut feeling just dictate that we both feel loved and adored enough to KNOW we do not have eyes for others. The fact you have disagreed with that guy, ninjainpyjamas was the poster I have talked extensively to on the matter, makes me hear you and listen to your view. Both of you are people I respect and believe are knowlageble enough to know more than I do on the matter of love, It is hard to pick which of you are right about what true love is. He is adamant that true love is when a guy can absolutely NOT be able to do what Andrew did. Where as Andrew makes me feel SO loved every day, so it is SO hard to.. Hear what Ninja had to say.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Oh for the love of........... Leigh, I have no idea why you keep trying to knock the teeth out of your relationship over and over again in so many self-destructive ways. You basically told your bf to do the hooker thing. You staunchly defended it for years. Decided it wasn't the best idea. Andrew says, "oh hey great, I love you more than dreamingoftigers loves tacos, so it all works out." But now the guy who just wants to be with you and puts of with these highly insecure from the getgo behaviors is "not really in love" with you've side he did the stuff you encouraged him to do, due to your own issues, and then stopped, due to your resulting issues and now he isn't able to understand and communicate his own feelings because someone on loveshack said so. OMFG Leigh. Counseling! That is all.... 3
Author Leigh 87 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Oh for the love of........... Leigh, I have no idea why you keep trying to knock the teeth out of your relationship over and over again in so many self-destructive ways. You basically told your bf to do the hooker thing. You staunchly defended it for years. Decided it wasn't the best idea. Andrew says, "oh hey great, I love you more than dreamingoftigers loves tacos, so it all works out." But now the guy who just wants to be with you and puts of with these highly insecure from the getgo behaviors is "not really in love" with you've side he did the stuff you encouraged him to do, due to your own issues, and then stopped, due to your resulting issues and now he isn't able to understand and communicate his own feelings because someone on loveshack said so. OMFG Leigh. Counseling! That is all.... I am getting counseling. I do not discuss my relationship often with her, though. And I do not think he did what he did, because he was not into me; he clearly IS very much into me. In fact, he thinks about me all day, and makes his love very clear without having to tell me all the time verbally. That is what I defended here; against many people who assume that guy slike him simply are not into their partners, and would cheat for sure. ...Andrew would not cheat, only has eyes for me, and adores me. I pointed out that there was a different type of man who DOES do the threesome thing. What I am unsure of, is if he can truly love me; I know he LOVES me on one level, just perhaps not that all consuming IN love... Look, the poster who I communicated with is simply a person of influence. He is a person you listen to. I am not even going to break up with Andrew, as he treats me so well and adores me, and we laugh a great deal every day. Andrew has happily stopped the hooker thing, and has no issue with it at all, and is very happy just having me. The underlying thing I am unsure about is: the capacity of a guy who is truly in love, to be ABLE to have meaningless sex in some way, with another women. I never THOUGHT all men or women were totally monogomus! Until I talked to Ninja, on this website, I was certain Andrew was in love with me.
JamesM Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Believe Andrew and not some faceless Ninja here on LS. I have read most of your threads but have not posted. I think you are allowing someone to put doubt in your head when in reality Andrew DOES love you. I think that you have doubts that someone can truly love you, so you see this as validation of your inner self-doubt. IMO Andrew loves you and is in love with you. The hooker idea was yours if I remember correctly. He (being inexperienced) felt that he needed to make you happy. Please enjoy life with Andrew and quit believing faceless posters here who may actually have an agenda...such as seeing you break up for some twisted thrill. 2
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