Scotia Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Hi. I posted my story the other day on the infidelity board. (here, if you're interested), so don't want to bore you if you've already read it. Basically, I am married and had an affair last summer/fall with a friend who I've had feelings for for years. We talked about making it permanent, and leaving our spouses for each other, but in the end, it wouldn't have worked (geography, young children...). My husband has no idea. I know I need to deal with this, and deal with what I've done to my marriage, but my entire head space is still consumed right now with this other person. It's been over for months, but we've still been talking pretty much every day (mainly over email). We've gotten right up to the point of declaring NC so so many times, but in the end, neither of us has the strength/nerve to actually follow through. I know we need to, but it feels so sad. It's so sad to feel like I'm losing a friend (which he was, for a very long time), it's so sad to admit that the dream I had for so many years of being with him is officially gone, and it's so so sad to sit here alone and realize what a mess I've made of my entire life. We declared NC again two days ago, but then it (again) didn't stick. Today was awful. We've just gone round and round, both knowing what needs to happen. My head hurts from crying so much. I know I need to do this. It will get easier, right?
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 You have to walk through it and, no, it is not easy. The withdrawal is hell. There is no other way than to, day by day, determine you will not contact them. This is the only way. Whether your marriage recovers or not, this is the only way through it all. I am sorry for your pain. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 This is why you need to confess now. Nothing like seeing the raw pain of what your actions are actually doing to get your head out of the cloud and your feet back on earth. I'm sad to see your still thinking like a MW.
Author Scotia Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 This is why you need to confess now. Nothing like seeing the raw pain of what your actions are actually doing to get your head out of the cloud and your feet back on earth. I'm sad to see your still thinking like a MW. Trust me... I am too. And I'm not kidding myself about the pain this will cause. (Logistically, my husband is away for a while, so I have some time to work up to confessing. I don't know if that's good or bad.) 1
herself Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My heart goes out to you. Nc with an emotional affair partner who was a platonic friend for more than ten yrs. first. It destroyed our friendship. Its been about a month almost since we spoke. Nearly broke me completely. No d day just guilt caused it to unravel. Its aweful but time is helping. Once you do it, the healing begins. I feel a teeny tiny bit better each day but nit gonna lie, heartbreak has been unreal. Its the price we pay. Here for you, Im sorry, your right its losing the dream...and the friendship. It will be ok but it will take several months maybe years. I dont know yet but I am making it stick 2
wasntlooking Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Scotia No sugar coating it, going NC is the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. Its been four months and i do feel better than i did in the beginning. I do still think of him everyday...not sure if that will ever go away. Be prepared for a rollercoaster ride of emotions and takr one day at a time. I broke it off with my MM because we lived far apart and neithrr was hoing to leave our families. I was falling for him fast and knew i had to go. Youll always wonder ehat could have been but need to keep moving forward. So yes you must go NC. And yes it will be hell but in the long run its for the best. Four months in, im better and take one day at a time. Let yourself grieve your loss...its ok. But go NC. Youll thank yourself later. Hugs. 1
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Scotia: You need to go 100% NC. This is not right for you, for him, for everyone. 1) Get yourself a new cell phone number. Delete all of his phone numbers from your phone and every trace of him. 2) Get a new email address. Block him from sending you emails to your new address. 3) Send him a NC letter. Best to do it in hand writing. Make sure it is delivered to him personally (certified return receipt). Make it brief. Google no contact letters for some ideas. If you really want him to not contact you in the future, then simply tell his BW what is going on. She will ensure that NC is enforced.
Berkley Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 My heart goes out to you. Nc with an emotional affair partner who was a platonic friend for more than ten yrs. first. It destroyed our friendship. Its been about a month almost since we spoke. Nearly broke me completely. No d day just guilt caused it to unravel. Its aweful but time is helping. Once you do it, the healing begins. I feel a teeny tiny bit better each day but nit gonna lie, heartbreak has been unreal. Its the price we pay. I so relate to this ! We started out as friends but ended up crossing emotional and physical lines and we destroyed a friendship and work relationship all in one. I haven't seen him since November and have been complete NC since mid- December. After talking to him and spending the day with him every day for three years....this is killing me. I am not as broken as I was two months ago....I'm not crying all day and unable to even eat. But I still think about him all the time. I still grieve the loss of the friendship. I miss seeing him every morning at work and spending time with him. I still cry when I think too much...just a few tears, but still...it hurts more than they can imagine.
tchrgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I am only 12 days NC, a month since we have seen each other and it's barely getting better. I'm sorry for your pain and had a similar situation. I am married with young kids, he has no kids and wants to be married to his wife, start his own family. We met at work and started A for different reasons. I was very lonely, he wanted sex on the side. I fell very hard, we talked everyday, night. He switched jobs last Fall (I was crushed but what a blessing I don't have to see him daily). We compromised so that we could continue but I hated how it made me feel. At this point, I was so addicted to him/or the A, I couldn't walk away. I would still be in it most likely but he said it needed to end, he couldn't keep up the double life. I feel like he just went back to his great life and I'm attempting to recover from the worst break up with a husband who has no idea and 3 kids who need me to be present for them. Some days it feels like it will always be this hard.....good luck to you 1
Scott Thomas Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I think its fair to presume that, on your own, NC can't be maintained and the affair might even be re-kindled if he expressed his interest. Unfortunately, you'll need a confession and your husband's watchful eyes to ensure that this doesn't happen. Lat time I checked, you were leaning this way. What happened? Ad it does get easier, after you maintain NC for at least a year-my personal experience as a BH and a M-OM.
Author Scotia Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I think its fair to presume that, on your own, NC can't be maintained and the affair might even be re-kindled if he expressed his interest. Unfortunately, you'll need a confession and your husband's watchful eyes to ensure that this doesn't happen. Lat time I checked, you were leaning this way. What happened? Ad it does get easier, after you maintain NC for at least a year-my personal experience as a BH and a M-OM. No, I can do it. I have to. My husband's been away for work, which has been a good delay tactic for me, for better or worse.
Scott Thomas Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Will he come back soon? And please read about 'trickle/truth'. Don't do that.
Author Scotia Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Yes, he'll be back this weekend. It was brought up in another thread, but it's not that I'm debating whether or not he deserves to know. It's more that I don't know how to frame it, you know? I don't mean how to mitigate it -- I obviously can't -- but I'm trying to think about the questions he'll inevitably ask me, and I'm honestly not sure that I've sorted out all of the answers for myself yet, if that makes sense. I don't mean "trickle truth"; I just mean my motivations in having the A, why I did it, etc.
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