Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'm new here. I hope it's ok to just come in and unload my story on all of you... I could really use some perspective. Here's my story. It goes back well over a decade, so bear with me. Early 20s: I had a devastating breakup. The kind that you really hope only happens once in a lifetime. Fights, cheating (not mine), drama, the whole thing. I ended up quitting my job and moving out of the country for a year, just to get a clean start. I came back, endured the epically terrible NYC dating scene for two years. Ran into an old college friend at a wedding, we drunkenly got together one night and then started dating. It was easy. A year later, I spent a summer at a graduate school program and met someone. It was one of those instant electric connections. It's never happened to me with anyone else. He made it clear that he was interested in me, but I was scared. He was a few years younger than me, and I worried that he was too young, that somehow this wouldn't work. I worried about screwing up this perfectly comfortable relationship that I'd found myself in with my college friend. So, I said no. At various points that summer, I came so close to telling him how I felt, but I always wimped out at the last minute. We remained friends, and spent all of our time together that summer, but nothing ever happened. At the end of the summer, he moved abroad for a while. We kept in touch, and I always hoped that we'd get the chance to see each other again. My feelings never changed for him, but I never said anything. I thought about him all the time, but never said anything. Things got complicated in his life, and I just assumed he was lost to me. In the meantime, my boyfriend (college friend/wedding reunion) proposed. I said yes. He was my best friend, and I figured that was all I could ask for in life. Fast forward five years, to last summer. I'm married with two kids, as is my grad school friend. We were still in touch, although we hadn't seen each other in eight years. Somehow, our conversation turned to the fact that I considered him my "what if" in life. You can probably guess where it went from there. We started talking every day, each admitting that we've been in love with the other since we first met years ago. We ended up meeting up twice this fall, where everything that you think happened happened. And then it ended. He lives 1500 miles away from me, and there's no logistical way for it to work. We both have very young kids, and neither of us can leave them, of course. So, it has to end, right? He knows that. I know it too, in an abstract way. But I'm having a terrible time dealing with it. We're still talking, although it's complete torture to hear about his life now. I'm trying to go back to my life and I have no idea how to. My husband has no idea, but he knows that something is wrong. I don't know how to let go of this idea of being with this person, even though, rationally, I know it's impossible. My life seemed fine to me before (don't get me wrong; there were issues, but I could have lived with them). Now, I just feel trapped. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, exactly. How to get over it, I suppose? I'm doing plenty of self-flagellation right now for screwing up what was a perfectly acceptable life. But at the same time, I feel like I've been in love with this person for so long -- I almost owed it to myself to see if we could make it work. I don't know.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 A few thoughts: 1 - You really don't know this guy that well. Sounds like you are projecting your own idealized version onto him. Your view of him is part reality and mostly fantasy (projection). It's not "love". Love is more than butterflies and swooning. 2 - This is why boundaries are important. You crossed the first boundary by bringing up the "what if" statement. Then you crossed a series of boundaries that led to your affair. 3- Of course there is the decision to come clean with your husband (and AP's wife). That is discussed here ad nauseum so I won't rehash it here. FWIW - I'm a strong supporter of informing all BSs. You created this mess within yourself and two marriages. Time to be a grown-up and deal with your issues instead of rug sweeping. I'm sure your husband has noticed a shift in your behavior. Maybe your AP's wife has noticed it too, and is about to bust him. You can't guarantee that neither BS will find out. It could be a STD, an email or text that is discovered, phone bills, you never know. How are you going to handle the fallout when it happens? Maybe the guilt will be too much for your AP, and he confesses. Then his wife informs your husband. Read these forums, it happens more than you want to admit. 3
Fluttershy Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Confessed affairs have a higher chance of recovery than undisclosed. Not just because it shows the betrayed spouse you want to be honest and not hang on to a future chance but also because if releases you and allows you to be an authentic person. There are even marriages that end because of undisclosed infidelity. The wayward can't live with the lie and smile sweetly at the betrayed or marital problems happen that can't really be resolved because of the fact weddig vows have been broken by one. By confessing you are giving your spouse a chance to choose his own way and show you love and forgiveness. My husband confessed and it was awful and yet so much better. He was headed downhill and i don't know if we would have made it without the truth coming out. I have never regreted his confession. Okay, you know i believe in full disclosure (no trickle truth or minimizing... Many will say those make a hard situation unforgiveable) You need to do a lot of honest soul searching. Read in this section here and at other boards dedicated to supporting betrayed spouses. Don't just go looking for people who support what you "feel". That won't help you at all. Read the post pinned at the top... What every wayward spouse needs to know. 2
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I should add: I'm not defending my actions. If anything, my biggest problem right now is how deeply ashamed I am of what's happened, and how guilty I feel for the mess that I've made. I've been in counseling for a few months trying to deal with what I've done and where to go from here.
Fluttershy Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I should add: I'm not defending my actions. If anything, my biggest problem right now is how deeply ashamed I am of what's happened, and how guilty I feel for the mess that I've made. I've been in counseling for a few months trying to deal with what I've done and where to go from here. What does your counselor say?
thummper Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Wake up, for God's sake! Ok, so you've had a "what if" fantasy with this guy, and now you've cheated on your husband. This fact alone doesn't bother you? You feel no guilt for doing this to him because of some "desperate longing" you've created out of the fog for this other guy? DROP IT!!! Rededicate yourself to your marriage and your family. This other guy is NOT your soulmate! Are you ready to throw away your family on a fantasy. You've already committed the worst possible betrayal you could have done. If you are so caught up with this other guy, then for heaven's sake, tell your husband, file for divorce, and follow your dream. Hell with hubby and kids! This guy is your destiny. (Hope you can feel the sarcasm dripping from that last comment!) Your unbelievable selfishness is about to hurt an awful lot of people. 2
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Wake up, for God's sake! Ok, so you've had a "what if" fantasy with this guy, and now you've cheated on your husband. This fact alone doesn't bother you? You feel no guilt for doing this to him because of some "desperate longing" you've created out of the fog for this other guy? DROP IT!!! Rededicate yourself to your marriage and your family. This other guy is NOT your soulmate! Are you ready to throw away your family on a fantasy. You've already committed the worst possible betrayal you could have done. If you are so caught up with this other guy, then for heaven's sake, tell your husband, file for divorce, and follow your dream. Hell with hubby and kids! This guy is your destiny. (Hope you can feel the sarcasm dripping from that last comment!) Your unbelievable selfishness is about to hurt an awful lot of people. I've already acknowledged how guilty I feel. I'm trying to wake up from my selfish fog and return to my life and fix things with my husband and kids. Trust me, I feel plenty guilty. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I've already acknowledged how guilty I feel. I'm trying to wake up from my selfish fog and return to my life and fix things with my husband and kids. Trust me, I feel plenty guilty. I'll state the obvious: you can't "fix" anything until both parties know what is broken (and what is at stake), and both are committed to "fixing" it. It can not be unilateral. 3
thummper Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I apologize for my little rant. I know you're looking for help and advice, not condemnation. I think I hear a lot of remorse in your words, and that's good. I know that most people can allow a little fantasy in their lives. Maybe that's good, too.....as far as it goes. When it crosses the line, then guilt and self-loathing come into play. Those feelings can be very hard to deal with. I wish you a lot of luck.
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 What does your counselor say? Quite a bit. We spend most of our time lately talking about what was going on in my marriage that even made me susceptible to this in the first place. I'm not going to throw around the word "soulmate" or anything like that; I'm well aware that it was my own decision that led to the affair. But I also think that if things had been stronger, I wouldn't have been as susceptible to making that decision. Don't get me wrong -- that's all on me. I'm mainly trying to figure out what it was so that I don't find myself in that situation again.
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I apologize for my little rant. I know you're looking for help and advice, not condemnation. I think I hear a lot of remorse in your words, and that's good. I know that most people can allow a little fantasy in their lives. Maybe that's good, too.....as far as it goes. When it crosses the line, then guilt and self-loathing come into play. Those feelings can be very hard to deal with. I wish you a lot of luck. Thanks. This may sound strange, but it actually meant a lot to me to read this follow-up from you. I know I've done something pretty unforgivable, and I'm spending a lot of time trying to convince myself that it's not actually the entirety of who I am. (That's another debate, I suppose....) I feel terrible for what I've done. I want to figure out how to lose what led me to it in the first place, what led me to cross that line that I knew was wrong. 2
harrybrown Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Your H is a better man than your fantasy. Your fantasy cheated on his wife and kids. The best way to handle this is to write your H a timeline. How would you feel if your H said you were his backup plan and he had an affair with someone else? You are not the one he loves, he loves his AP. Your Mr. perfect cheated on his wife. He is not perfect. Did you get tested for stds before having relations with your H? What if you gave him an std? Write the timeline of the affair and give it to your H. The affair will tear him up, but the deceit and continued lying will kill your marriage for sure. Good luck. 8
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Quite a bit. We spend most of our time lately talking about what was going on in my marriage that even made me susceptible to this in the first place. Or... you could spend time talking about what was going on inside yourself that even made you susceptible to this in the first place. Think about it. Did you cheat because of your marriage, or because of you? From your OP, it sounds to me that you were trying to test drive some alternative "what if" reality. This doesn't have much to do with your marriage. What does your husband have to do with some "what if" alternative reality? Nothing.
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Or... you could spend time talking about what was going on inside yourself that even made you susceptible to this in the first place. Think about it. Did you cheat because of your marriage, or because of you? From your OP, it sounds to me that you were trying to test drive some alternative "what if" reality. This doesn't have much to do with your marriage. What does your husband have to do with some "what if" alternative reality? Nothing. That's totally fair, and a distinction that I should have made. It's not my husband's fault -- in any way -- that I did this. There were things going on in my own head that played out in my marriage. It's not that something was missing there that made me do this -- it was that something was missing/messed in my head that made me vulnerable to making a terrible decision to try out the "what if". If that makes any sense... 1
Spark1111 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 That's totally fair, and a distinction that I should have made. It's not my husband's fault -- in any way -- that I did this. There were things going on in my own head that played out in my marriage. It's not that something was missing there that made me do this -- it was that something was missing/messed in my head that made me vulnerable to making a terrible decision to try out the "what if". If that makes any sense... There are few things more enticing than fantasizing about the one who got away. Unrequited love has a really strong allure because it IS so untested by reality. It can be anything you want it to be long distance. Your question for yourself is WHY? Why were you willing to risk all you previously held dear for fantasy man? Bored? Lonely? In need of attention? Romance? Surely you realize had you married fantasy man, had two children, grew bored with one another, it could very well be your old college BF ( now your H) you would possibly be having an affair with. And surely, you must realize that the friendship, phone calls, contact of any kind must end if your marriage is to heal. 3
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 It sounds like you would really like to explore things further with your star-crossed soulmate with whom you feel destined to be with. Are you really that full of yourself that you think your husband would want you to stay if he knew you were in love with another man? I'm betting he has more self respect than that. Meanwhile all you are doing is living a lie. Go try to work out a relationship with the other man instead of living this lie. If you're husband really loved you, he would want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy! YOUR HUSBAND deserves to br happy. He certainly deserves a lot more honesty and respect than he is getting from you. Why fight the inevitable? You were destined to be with the other man. Why be miserable like this for the rest of your life? If your husband were in this situation, wouldn't you want him to be happy?
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 It sounds like you would really like to explore things further with your star-crossed soulmate with whom you feel destined to be with. Are you really that full of yourself that you think your husband would want you to stay if he knew you were in love with another man? I'm betting he has more self respect than that. Meanwhile all you are doing is living a lie. Go try to work out a relationship with the other man instead of living this lie. If you're husband really loved you, he would want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy! YOUR HUSBAND deserves to br happy. He certainly deserves a lot more honesty and respect than he is getting from you. Why fight the inevitable? You were destined to be with the other man. Why be miserable like this for the rest of your life? If your husband were in this situation, wouldn't you want him to be happy? I'm going to ignore what I'm assuming is sarcasm. Here's the thing: I am 100% acknowledging what I'm doing/have done wrong here. Yes, I feel all those mopey-dopey things about this person, but I also completely see them for what they are, and for the fact that that is not my reality, that the fantasy is never the same when it becomes reality, that it's all skewed through this fog that I've been in, and that I've made a terrible mistake. I don't want to live a lie, and yes, my husband deserves better. I'm not kidding myself about any of that. I just need to get my head back into reality and focus on how to have this conversation with my husband, and how to handle things from here. What I did was wrong. I'm struggling to figure out how to mentally get myself straightened out enough to deal with it. That's what my original post was about, and maybe I didn't do a good job of conveying that. 2
Fluttershy Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Okay, you want to confess! Good! i am glad you are here then because a confession and behaviour have a lot to do with how things turn out. Een if yor cheating is a dealbreaker being transparen and open will make further interactions so much easier. 1. Be upfront honest. Don't beat aroud te bush. Tell him you cheated, with who, how long it lasted and how many times you had sex. Don't give sex details unless he asks. If he asks if you did anything with xOM you didn't do with him and you did... Tell him. Trickle truth or withholding truth will not help... At all. 2. Be very careful of how you word things. Your whole lacking in the marriage comment rubs betrayed people the wrong way. Your clarification was better. So be sure to tell him you were the problem, not te marrige or him. You can tell him that you rewrote history (i this is the case) to justify your actions at the time but ou now know that was wrong. 3. Show him you mean business And are truly sorry by scheduling MC and being completely honest. Actions are the test, your words have become meaningless. 4. Don't tell him you love the OM. Tell him what you told us thatyou got caught up in the fantasy and it was a grass is greener situation. If he presses you of course you have to be honest but the honest answer for you appeara to be you loved the illusion and are working oj getting back to reality. 5. Direct him to an infidelity site or support group. He will need support. 6. Hand over everything you still have that is evidence of the A. No matter how bad the emails are hand it over. Become 100% transparent in everything. 7. Respect his wishes BUT know your rights. You are never to take abuse. And while a few days apart may seem a good idea you have kids so you need to think of them. It may be est to remove them completely from the situation for the direct confrontation if you can (family, friends, ect). There is so much more but just keep asking for help and you will get thru it. 8
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Here's how you do it: After the kids are in bed, you tell your husband to shut off the tv, shut down the computer, you have someyhing important to tell him. Then you tell him the truth, like what you wrote in your first post. When you see the deep hurt and pain in his eyes, and on his face, if that doesn't straighten you out mentally, nothing will. I'm sorry, I have a low tolerance for psychobabble cheaters use to svoid telling the truth, like I just have to mentally get myself straightened out enough to deal with it. It will be difficult and unpleasant to say the least. Putting it off won't make it any easier and I doubt anyone anywhere knows any magic words to change that.
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Okay, you want to confess! Good! i am glad you are here then because a confession and behaviour have a lot to do with how things turn out. Een if yor cheating is a dealbreaker being transparen and open will make further interactions so much easier. 1. Be upfront honest. Don't beat aroud te bush. Tell him you cheated, with who, how long it lasted and how many times you had sex. Don't give sex details unless he asks. If he asks if you did anything with xOM you didn't do with him and you did... Tell him. Trickle truth or withholding truth will not help... At all. 2. Be very careful of how you word things. Your whole lacking in the marriage comment rubs betrayed people the wrong way. Your clarification was better. So be sure to tell him you were the problem, not te marrige or him. You can tell him that you rewrote history (i this is the case) to justify your actions at the time but ou now know that was wrong. 3. Show him you mean business And are truly sorry by scheduling MC and being completely honest. Actions are the test, your words have become meaningless. 4. Don't tell him you love the OM. Tell him what you told us thatyou got caught up in the fantasy and it was a grass is greener situation. If he presses you of course you have to be honest but the honest answer for you appeara to be you loved the illusion and are working oj getting back to reality. 5. Direct him to an infidelity site or support group. He will need support. 6. Hand over everything you still have that is evidence of the A. No matter how bad the emails are hand it over. Become 100% transparent in everything. 7. Respect his wishes BUT know your rights. You are never to take abuse. And while a few days apart may seem a good idea you have kids so you need to think of them. It may be est to remove them completely from the situation for the direct confrontation if you can (family, friends, ect). There is so much more but just keep asking for help and you will get thru it. Thank you.
ComingInHot Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Scotia, PRINT OUT Fluttershy's Post! Or copy and paste it where you can read it over and over again. I can read the shame and feelings of disgust you have for yourself, even in the flowery filled opening post. I'm SO sorry you allowed yourself to get into this A situation. Well. .. It's time to get out of it. You know it. We all know it. Your counselor knows it. So, it's game plan time. Put one together with your IC using Fluttershy's outline and Start the Best part of the rest of your life* 1
A.Moscote Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Glad to see you set on confessing. Believe it that this is your first step to overcome this dilemma. Don't be scared, many experience members here will surely guide you. Hopefully your H will be compassionate and truly becomes your best ally to get through this. Just let him vents off though. Anyway, this is really your chance to nurture honesty and openness into your marriage. Good luck. Be sincere and patient.
Spark1111 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 You get your head and heart in the game by FIRST following this one rule: NO MORE CONTACT STARTING TODAY and lasting FOREVER. Then print Fluttershy's post. Until you end all communication with the OM, the fantasy will live on in your head and your heart. Say goodbye, tell him why and then block him.
Author Scotia Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 You get your head and heart in the game by FIRST following this one rule: NO MORE CONTACT STARTING TODAY and lasting FOREVER. Then print Fluttershy's post. Until you end all communication with the OM, the fantasy will live on in your head and your heart. Say goodbye, tell him why and then block him. I actually emailed him earlier this afternoon and told him that we needed to stop talking, that it wasn't helping either one of us. It's something that I've been dragging my feet on doing; this was a good reality check. 1
road Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I actually emailed him earlier this afternoon and told him that we needed to stop talking, that it wasn't helping either one of us. It's something that I've been dragging my feet on doing; this was a good reality check. That is the first step going NC. The second step is you must tell your BH. Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
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