2 months in.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Honestly this feels dumb. Here I am, same as every day, talking myself out of contacting my ex to keep the no contact thing going. Constantly weighing the pros and cons, with the ending of every day being "it's for the best" and then sticking to no contact. Is it though? Really?

 

In certain situations, maybe it is. Cheated on etc, you don't want any part of that person any longer. If you are contacting them but your ex is ignoring you on the other end then you really have no choice. But a relationship that just ended because one wasn't feeling it as much...is cutting them out completely the best way? Why can you not just continue talking, know in your head that **** may not work, but slowly ease off? That's honestly what happened in my last "relationship" and it wasn't nearly as hard as this. Like not even close. She eventually dated another guy and I moved on. Sure it was still tough, but **** doesn't even compare at all.

 

This ongoing battle has been happening every day straight for the past 3 months. No joke. I'm emotionally exhausted, I can't even think straight anymore. Seems every one of us is like this, going through all these threads of 3/6/12 months no contact etc etc and every person is the same...dying on the inside.

 

Not to mention the whole post-break up "game" that seems to occur here/"bread crumbs"/"he liked blahblah on facebook what does that mean"/ "I feel like I have won"/"made him/her jealous"/"i cant acknowledge him/her because I need to act like I've moved on when really I haven't". Trying to pretend like they don't exist when really they have never left your mind. I can't stand it, **** seems so childish. And yet that is exactly what it is. A game. Why?

 

There is an on-going misconception on No Contact that some people don't seem to grasp or cannot see at this early stage.

 

No contact is for you to heal and move on. When a relationship ends, it ENDS. No matter the reason. Maybe they cheated, maybe they were not feeling it anymore (or feeling it as much like you said), etc. The reasons don't really matter. No Contact is used for you to HEAL, properly back away from the situation, and reassess the situation. It isn't meant for the other person to miss you, think about you, talk to you...it's meant to heal.

 

No contact isn't a game or some tactic. It's exactly what it states: Just don't to them lol. What good is going to consistently talking to them? You are going to do many of things, but none of them are productive. You are going to make them angry (talking too much), going to look weak, friendzone, clingy...whatever the case is. If you are there like a fly on trash, then how is anything you are doing productive?

 

In terms of the post breakup "games" you are describing, it's all usually self-induced. The facebook situation I've seen on here is because they arent doing NC properly. THIS INCLUDES BLOCKING SOCIAL MEDIA. So, if they are hearing from their ex there, they arent doing it properly. Breadcrumbs are just the ex usually releasing guilt or second guessing. The moment they realize you are still there, they will back off again. The other situations you mentioned like revenge and acting one way is all again self-induced.

 

It sounds like you are having a hard time, and for that, I apologize. In the end of everything, it gets SO much better, you just don't see it yet. I didn't either and many others don't as well. One day you will. NC is the right way to go.

 

Not plugging my own s*** lol, but I wrote this last month as a guide for what I've noticed on here and how to react. Maybe it will be a decent read I dont know. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/458160-new-user-just-got-dumped-sad-depressed-read

Edited March 4, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[disclosure]

been 2.5 mo since BU, NC from day 1. I did that for me. It is not a game or a way to get her back. It is for me and me only, to heal/move forward.

 

She ended it, it was a sad but friendly BU, no fighting and no begging. I left calmly.

 

I have not heard from her either so that silence says alot imo, but it is really for the best. if she does not want to be with me, then leave me be. if she really wanted to be with me, she would let me know. she is a big girl and knows where to find me.

 

one of the last things she said as I was heading out, "I hope I dont regret this". I replied, "you know where to find me".

 

There is nothing else to say for now.

 

See but that's what I'm getting at. It seems situational. No contact worked for you, and 2.5 months out of it you were good to go. Not throwing shots at you, or making light of your break up, but just from this post alone you are either stronger or the relationship was going south before or it just ended on good terms.

 

But is it right to say because it worked for some people straight off the bat, and of course eventually that is what is going to happen, that the best way to do it is no contact straight from the beginning without hesitation?

 

Look at smoking/drug addicts etc. Some people can quit straight up and never look back. Others need to ween themselves off, throw on a patch. Some are so far into it they need therapy/rehab etc. Eventually it all has the same outcome, but to say that one of these is the best way to go about it for ALL types of people is false IMO.

[pickflicker]

See but that's what I'm getting at. It seems situational. No contact worked for you, and 2.5 months out of it you were good to go. Not throwing shots at you, or making light of your break up, but just from this post alone you are either stronger or the relationship was going south before or it just ended on good terms.

 

But is it right to say because it worked for some people straight off the bat, and of course eventually that is what is going to happen, that the best way to do it is no contact straight from the beginning without hesitation?

 

Look at smoking/drug addicts etc. Some people can quit straight up and never look back. Others need to ween themselves off, throw on a patch. Some are so far into it they need therapy/rehab etc. Eventually it all has the same outcome, but to say that one of these is the best way to go about it for ALL types of people is false IMO.

 

You left the relationship? You want to "wean" off? And what about what they want?

 

NC isn't a game. It's the direct path to healing. Leave your ex alone. If you really care for them, you won't confuse them by contacting them with friendly overtures.

[jphcbpa]

See but that's what I'm getting at. It seems situational. No contact worked for you, and 2.5 months out of it you were good to go. Not throwing shots at you, or making light of your break up, but just from this post alone you are either stronger or the relationship was going south before or it just ended on good terms.

.

 

I would not call me "good to go". I still am tender. Please know that I have done a $hit ton of work on me every single day and have an amazing support group of men in my life. They have literally carried me. I am strong because I follow the NC guide and went to work on me ASAP.

 

This has been the hardest thing for me to quit and that includes drugs and smoking.

 

That is why I needed to go NC...for me. Once she said it is over, what else is there to do but heal up.

[Never Again]

See but that's what I'm getting at. It seems situational. No contact worked for you, and 2.5 months out of it you were good to go. Not throwing shots at you, or making light of your break up, but just from this post alone you are either stronger or the relationship was going south before or it just ended on good terms.

 

But is it right to say because it worked for some people straight off the bat, and of course eventually that is what is going to happen, that the best way to do it is no contact straight from the beginning without hesitation?

 

Look at smoking/drug addicts etc. Some people can quit straight up and never look back. Others need to ween themselves off, throw on a patch. Some are so far into it they need therapy/rehab etc. Eventually it all has the same outcome, but to say that one of these is the best way to go about it for ALL types of people is false IMO.

 

There's no methadone clinic for breakups, nor is there a 12-step.

 

It's best to go cold-turkey because ANY contact is bad contact. It's not "easing off" really, not if feelings are still involved. It's a full fledged, readdicting, drug-hit.

 

That's why there is a "one size fits all" solution. It's unproductive and unhelpful to stay attached to the past like that. It hurts. I went through 2 months of absolute emotional HELL because I allowed myself to.

 

Contact is NEVER worth it. NEVER.

[disclosure]

Lol my bad to whoever keeps merging my threads. Thanks for doing that, I'll try and keep on top of it from now on.

 

 

And really I guess I'm just looking for any excuse to break no contact. Sometimes I wish my own mind games would work on me and I would succeed in convincing myself..

 

This ****ing sucks.

[fireman81]

Breaking up is for the best. You've already taken it back once and ended it again. Have the courage to know you're doing the right thing and move on. If you have explained your reasons, she will have to let it sink in and work on those things that didn't sit right with you. This doesn't mean that you should be waiting around to see if to happens. Using alcohol and weed to cope is unhealthy.

 

You've both got some growing to do. Part of growing is learning about yourself in the context of different relationships. This was the first lengthy relationship you've had and likely won't be the last.

 

You're hurting 2 months later because you cared for her but also because you don't know that you will eventually get over her. You will. You'll find someone who has traits you don't like too.. But ones that you will know you can work with and don't involve trust.

 

Trust in the process, keep NC, keep going.

 

I agreed with all of this

[Never Again]

It happens, but if you're DONE with the relationship, you need to be done with your ex.

 

It's that simple. It NEEDS to be. Everything else about a breakup is awful, painful and confusing...so the steps to approaching it end up being easy enough for anyone to follow. It's rare that anyone does, but that's besides the point.

 

You left the relationship? You want to "wean" off? And what about what they want?

 

NC isn't a game. It's the direct path to healing. Leave your ex alone. If you really care for them, you won't confuse them by contacting them with friendly overtures.

 

THIS is something you need to listen to.

 

My breakup was also sad but calm, until I agreed to a "closure talk" a few days later, and my ex and I cried together for hours. Not only was that unattractive and embarrassing as hell, but it made her feel BETTER while I felt even WORSE.

 

I went through 2 months of absolute HELL because I didn't go NC soon enough. My ex second guessed herself the whole way, but because I was weak and responded to her...she "weaned" herself off me while I was left in the dirt, as hurt on day 60 as I was on day 1.

 

Don't do that to anyone.

 

That's all "weaning" does. It uses the dumpee as an emotional crutch so the dumper can move on with no guilt.

[disclosure]

It happens, but if you're DONE with the relationship, you need to be done with your ex.

 

It's that simple. It NEEDS to be. Everything else about a breakup is awful, painful and confusing...so the steps to approaching it end up being easy enough for anyone to follow. It's rare that anyone does, but that's besides the point.

 

 

 

THIS is something you need to listen to.

 

My breakup was also sad but calm, until I agreed to a "closure talk" a few days later, and my ex and I cried together for hours. Not only was that unattractive and embarrassing as hell, but it made her feel BETTER while I felt even WORSE.

 

I went through 2 months of absolute HELL because I didn't go NC soon enough. My ex second guessed herself the whole way, but because I was weak and responded to her...she "weaned" herself off me while I was left in the dirt, as hurt on day 60 as I was on day 1.

 

Don't do that to anyone.

 

That's all "weaning" does. It uses the dumpee as an emotional crutch so the dumper can move on with no guilt.

 

Makes it hard when you have these constant feelings of uncertainty on whether or not you are "DONE".

 

The worst part of not contacting her, is that she is sitting at home thinking that all this time I never cared about her, that she meant nothing to me and that I am feeling no remorse. Yes, I know that is the best thing for her to help her move on, but it does not make me feel good. It just sucks knowing the resentment she will eventually have for me, and how big of a hit her ego/self esteem has probably taken when that is the last thing she needed.

 

 

Work is killing me right now. Work 16/17 hours away from home on a 2 week on/2 week off rotation. I dread coming back to work, because my job involves me working on my own not doing a whole lot to be honest. 2 weeks of nothing but constant thoughts about her/the break up, watching the time tick away so I can go to bed and be that much closer to coming home. Today was awful. This next week+ is going to be awful. Really looking forward to probably another 6 months of this. Lol **** me.

Edited March 6, 2014 by disclosure

[DontBreakEven]

Makes it hard when you have these constant feelings of uncertainty on whether or not you are "DONE".

 

The worst part of not contacting her, is that she is sitting at home thinking that all this time I never cared about her, that she meant nothing to me and that I am feeling no remorse. Yes, I know that is the best thing for her to help her move on, but it does not make me feel good. It just sucks knowing the resentment she will eventually have for me, and how big of a hit her ego/self esteem has probably taken when that is the last thing she needed.

 

 

Work is killing me right now. Work 16/17 hours away from home on a 2 week on/2 week off rotation. I dread coming back to work, because my job involves me working on my own not doing a whole lot to be honest. 2 weeks of nothing but constant thoughts about her/the break up, watching the time tick away so I can go to bed and be that much closer to coming home. Today was awful. This next week+ is going to be awful. Really looking forward to probably another 6 months of this. Lol **** me.

 

I am sorry but, all you seem to care about here is yourself. You broke her heart and walked away from the relationship she so clearly was into, and you told her you didn't feel the same way. No Contact is not for you, buddy .. it's for her .. to heal. And yes, in order to heal she probably IS convincing herself that you never cared and you are feeling no remorse. That is what she will need to tell herself in order to move on from you.

 

I mean what are you really wanting here? Because not once have you really said "I want her back". You just want parts of her, and you also seem to want to ease your guilt over the hurt you caused her.

 

Sorry, but the right thing to do, unless you are 100% certain you made a ginormous mistake and want nothing more than to be back with her, is to LEAVE HER ALONE. Sorry that means that you get none of her .. but relationships are all or nothing. You can't just take what you want and leave the rest. If you don't want all of her, let her go. Of course it's going to hurt you, but don't you think you are being entirely selfish here?

 

I mean just try to flip the situation ... if someone broke your heart in a million little pieces and you were pining for them so bad, and they were feeling, "well ... I'm about 60% sure I love Disclosure .. but this other 40% really feels like maybe there's someone better out there for me .. and I'm not sure I really like much of Disclosure's personality .. actually he kinda embarrasses me in front of family and friends .. I mean maybe it could work out, but last time I tried, I realized I still really wasn't all that into him. Hmmm. But life sure is lonely now on my own. Work sucks, Disclosure could be cool at times, it'd be nice to be able to hear his voice once in a while .. maybe I should call him".

 

I mean really. How selfish can one be. You're either in or you're out buddy. Love is about accepting someone fully. You don't do it half-a*sed. Until you post on here that you are in love with your ex and you made a huge mistake and you need her back .. don't ask why you can't stay NC. She deserves to heal and find someone who loves every part of her personality .. even the part that says inappropriate things at times, because that guy realizes she's human and no girl is perfect and she rocks his world anyway. NC is not for you. It's for her.

[disclosure]

I am sorry but, all you seem to care about here is yourself. You broke her heart and walked away from the relationship she so clearly was into, and you told her you didn't feel the same way. No Contact is not for you, buddy .. it's for her .. to heal. And yes, in order to heal she probably IS convincing herself that you never cared and you are feeling no remorse. That is what she will need to tell herself in order to move on from you.

 

I mean what are you really wanting here? Because not once have you really said "I want her back". You just want parts of her, and you also seem to want to ease your guilt over the hurt you caused her.

 

Sorry, but the right thing to do, unless you are 100% certain you made a ginormous mistake and want nothing more than to be back with her, is to LEAVE HER ALONE. Sorry that means that you get none of her .. but relationships are all or nothing. You can't just take what you want and leave the rest. If you don't want all of her, let her go. Of course it's going to hurt you, but don't you think you are being entirely selfish here?

 

I mean just try to flip the situation ... if someone broke your heart in a million little pieces and you were pining for them so bad, and they were feeling, "well ... I'm about 60% sure I love Disclosure .. but this other 40% really feels like maybe there's someone better out there for me .. and I'm not sure I really like much of Disclosure's personality .. actually he kinda embarrasses me in front of family and friends .. I mean maybe it could work out, but last time I tried, I realized I still really wasn't all that into him. Hmmm. But life sure is lonely now on my own. Work sucks, Disclosure could be cool at times, it'd be nice to be able to hear his voice once in a while .. maybe I should call him".

 

I mean really. How selfish can one be. You're either in or you're out buddy. Love is about accepting someone fully. You don't do it half-a*sed. Until you post on here that you are in love with your ex and you made a huge mistake and you need her back .. don't ask why you can't stay NC. She deserves to heal and find someone who loves every part of her personality .. even the part that says inappropriate things at times, because that guy realizes she's human and no girl is perfect and she rocks his world anyway. NC is not for you. It's for her.

 

I have definitely been selfish, especially recently. My latest thread (moved to here) about contacting her was pretty bad.. I am hurting though. But to say all I care about is myself is false. So very false. It is ultimately my life though.

 

When you flip the situation, yes I can totally understand that. Hurts reading it, too. But is that not normal to go through those feelings when you are in a relationship. To question whether or not they are in fact the right person for you? To question whether or not you are 100% sure you want to spend the rest of your life with that one single person? I don't think it is abnormal to express doubts, and I think it is healthy to do so, which I have learned. I guarantee you she did the same thing multiple times throughout the relationship. I guarantee everyone does. I was with her for a year, but the first 5 months it was long distance, I was working 3/4 weeks on with sometimes driving 12 hours so I could see her for 1 day off in between. So these feelings came up later. Unfortunately, I acted prematurely on those feelings. And that's not to say there was no communication in the relationship, we did express our concerns. But I never truly sat down and had a long heart to heart with her before this. That is what I regret. I have not expressed any of this to her. Sure I have wanted to, but I haven't and I know I won't unless it's to get back together. I am venting when I post on here, last line of defence really. I know I am feeling lonely, I know I am feeling guilty. These all contribute to why I haven't contacted her because I need these to pass to see which feeling is strongest so I don't just hurt her again.

 

 

Of course love is definitely about accepting one fully. But that doesn't just happen. Like you said, no one is perfect. You weigh the pros and cons. I am doing that more so after the fact when I should have spent more time with it before breaking up. And a site geared toward break ups, the cons are going to be asked/talked about a little more IMO. I loved her more than anyone I have ever loved (tbh she has probably been the only girl I have ever truly loved), cared about her more than anyone I have ever cared about. I could go on and on about her positives. But the fact is, there are negatives (with everyone, of course). My lack of experience though is where I am having trouble because I cannot figure out how significant they really are in the grand scheme of things.

 

But I will agree with you, sure sucks looking back on it and seeing how much I was truly at fault.

 

 

Really appreciate the advice though, to everyone.

Edited March 6, 2014 by disclosure

[DontBreakEven]

I appreciate your honesty, Disclosure.

 

You are correct, there are numerous times both parties in a relationship question if they are 100%. Hell, I proposed to my ex and I wasn't even 100% when I did that ... but I have also been in numerous relationships and have come to realize that my life is not a Hollywood movie. 100% is unfortunately what society drills into our head. Daily life is hard. Everyone is different. People are CRAZY. Just to find someone who you can trust not to cheat on you these days is a feat in itself.

 

That's why I have learned to prioritize what are the most important things to me in a partner, and what negative things I can live with should my partner possess those traits (even if it's not ideal .. I can still live with and be content). In my mind, at the time, my partner heavily weighed in all the most important aspects to me (trust, honesty, spent time with me, had fun together, etc), and the other things (bickering, dramatic) were present, but I could learn to live with them and deal. The positive aspects totally overruled the negative. There were no bottom line inexcusable behaviors (cheating, lying, physical abuse). .. just the normal human, every day "stuff". I could live with it. (Until she walked out on me ... that's my inexcusable behavior .. hence why I have NC with her - but that's another story).

 

You have to figure out what matters most to you and do an honest relationship inventory. It is good that you are thinking of her feelings and realize that if you try and go back, you better be 100% committed -- maybe not always 100% about the relationship, but 100% about working for it. Relationships are work. People who search for the ideal "Sleepless in Seattle" situation are always going to end up disappointed. Just ask my ex-fiance who left me 5 years ago. He's still alone and miserable over it .. but good for him in holding out that hope that he will find his "ideal love". He could have had a hell of a great life with me .. but, I digress. (Looking back, I'm actually glad he let me go ... he's quite pathetic once my rose-colored glasses came off)

 

Anyway, figure your sh*t out. If you find that you keep coming back to her in your heart and your mind, go for it. But only do it if you are 100% at WORKING at it. And this isn't to say she won't tell you to pound sand. Be ready for that too. She might have decided at this point that she just cannot be with someone as fickle as Disclosure, and she wants to find a guy who knows that the sun shines out of her a**. That's the risk you would be taking, and if you find that's how she feels, take it as a lesson learned. Lust is a feeling. Love is a choice. A choice you make every day to wake up and kiss that morning-breathed mouth next to you, to endure the 5 or so days out of the month when she is hormonal, to know that sometimes she can be insecure and not always say the "right" things in a public setting - to accept that your partner is human and choose to love her anyway, because the things that make you smile outweigh the things that irritate you. Maybe you do need to date around and found out for yourself what traits are most important to you. I don't know you, or what you need to do, but it sounds like you get it.

 

And it's nice to see someone who can take an honest inventory of a potential mistake they may have made. It shows emotional maturity, and I think no matter what happens, you have certainly grown for the better from all of this, whether it is to be with her in the end or not. Any relationship you have in the future will fare better having figured all this out. I think you will be okay. And of course I hope for the most happy ending for everyone involved.

Edited March 7, 2014 by DontBreakEven

[disclosure]

I appreciate your honesty, Disclosure.

 

You are correct, there are numerous times both parties in a relationship question if they are 100%. Hell, I proposed to my ex and I wasn't even 100% when I did that ... but I have also been in numerous relationships and have come to realize that my life is not a Hollywood movie. 100% is unfortunately what society drills into our head. Daily life is hard. Everyone is different. People are CRAZY. Just to find someone who you can trust not to cheat on you these days is a feat in itself.

 

That's why I have learned to prioritize what are the most important things to me in a partner, and what negative things I can live with should my partner possess those traits (even if it's not ideal .. I can still live with and be content). In my mind, at the time, my partner heavily weighed in all the most important aspects to me (trust, honesty, spent time with me, had fun together, etc), and the other things (bickering, dramatic) were present, but I could learn to live with them and deal. The positive aspects totally overruled the negative. There were no bottom line inexcusable behaviors (cheating, lying, physical abuse). .. just the normal human, every day "stuff". I could live with it. (Until she walked out on me ... that's my inexcusable behavior .. hence why I have NC with her - but that's another story).

 

You have to figure out what matters most to you and do an honest relationship inventory. It is good that you are thinking of her feelings and realize that if you try and go back, you better be 100% committed -- maybe not always 100% about the relationship, but 100% about working for it. Relationships are work. People who search for the ideal "Sleepless in Seattle" situation are always going to end up disappointed. Just ask my ex-fiance who left me 5 years ago. He's still alone and miserable over it .. but good for him in holding out that hope that he will find his "ideal love". He could have had a hell of a great life with me .. but, I digress. (Looking back, I'm actually glad he let me go ... he's quite pathetic once my rose-colored glasses came off)

 

Biggest fear...haha..

 

I just feel that if I stay in this relationship, 5 or so years down the line I will come to regret committing to the first LTR relationship I have ever been in..Yet 5 years down the line I could also be like your Ex and that scares the **** out of me. But I don't know what I want to do, she doesn't know what she wants to do, planning on going back to school...just don't think it makes sense to commit when I'm just so unsure on every other aspect of life, her included.

 

But I just know she definitely has qualities that I would value the most in the long run..her actually being head over heals for me being the biggest one. And she is extremely thoughtful, put thought into every single thing she did for me/others...aksjdfak.

 

I haven't really been sticking to no contact these last 3 months anyways, since I check her blog daily. Honestly her telling me she has one was the worst thing. Seeing posts about "drinking the pain away" and being drunk during the day, and how heartbroken she was. I became worried/full of guilt. Now it has become a habit. I don't know why I still check it, I can't make her feel better anymore and it just ends up making me feel like ****. I guess I just wanted so badly to be the one to help her through her depression, and instead I ended up making it worse than ever before.

 

 

Anyways, have definitely learnt a ton from this, especially in the empathy department. Sucks that she will never know that...but I doubt it would even matter to her at this point. Need to just take away what I have gained from here now (which is a lot, so thank you) and move on, because returning to this now will just bring back the same feelings. I hope I am doing the right thing here and doesn't come back to bite me in the ass haha...

[disclosure]

I'm pretty confident this has permanently ****ed me up. I literally can't be alone anymore without feeling lonely/depressed. Even when I am with friends and completely immersed in what we are doing, there is still 20% of me that is thinking about her. I miss her. I miss the intimacy. I miss having someone to care about. I miss my best friend. I don't even enjoy half of the **** I used to anymore. I always try to keep myself busy during the worst times by picking up my guitar or something and it's like I get no amusement out of it. Even my love for music which was my favourite thing/my go to when things were tough and I needed a pick me up, has completely diminished. I no longer care about finding new music to listen to, and honestly barely even care if I plug my ipod in when I get in the car. I've been working out way more/focusing on getting body fat % to a minimum/gaining muscle. Have a friend that is making a meal plan for me to follow. Becoming obsessed with being in the best shape possible is the only thing keeping my even remotely sane, and even then it does not make me feel better in the ways that I want to. I know it is just masking everything else. I hate my job, it requires me to spend weeks away from home, most of the time working by myself/staring at a clock for 12 hours. But the money is good and that is the only thing that will get me out of it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I have hit rock bottom and I am forever struggling with ways to try and dig myself out.

[DontBreakEven]

I'm pretty confident this has permanently ****ed me up. I literally can't be alone anymore without feeling lonely/depressed. Even when I am with friends and completely immersed in what we are doing, there is still 20% of me that is thinking about her. I miss her. I miss the intimacy. I miss having someone to care about. I miss my best friend. I don't even enjoy half of the **** I used to anymore. I always try to keep myself busy during the worst times by picking up my guitar or something and it's like I get no amusement out of it. Even my love for music which was my favourite thing/my go to when things were tough and I needed a pick me up, has completely diminished. I no longer care about finding new music to listen to, and honestly barely even care if I plug my ipod in when I get in the car. I've been working out way more/focusing on getting body fat % to a minimum/gaining muscle. Have a friend that is making a meal plan for me to follow. Becoming obsessed with being in the best shape possible is the only thing keeping my even remotely sane, and even then it does not make me feel better in the ways that I want to. I know it is just masking everything else. I hate my job, it requires me to spend weeks away from home, most of the time working by myself/staring at a clock for 12 hours. But the money is good and that is the only thing that will get me out of it.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I have hit rock bottom and I am forever struggling with ways to try and dig myself out.

 

Disclosure, you are a sweet, very open and honest "dumper". It seems that you have broken your own heart by leaving and breaking hers as well.

Have you thought about trying to reconcile? Or are you still feeling like the break up was probably for the best? You do realize that as the dumper, the power is (unfortunately) pretty much in your hands (for at least the first few months .. wait much longer, your chances get slimmer and slimmer for forgiveness and that she hasn't moved on). What are you wanting?

[disclosure]

Disclosure, you are a sweet, very open and honest "dumper". It seems that you have broken your own heart by leaving and breaking hers as well.

Have you thought about trying to reconcile? Or are you still feeling like the break up was probably for the best? You do realize that as the dumper, the power is (unfortunately) pretty much in your hands (for at least the first few months .. wait much longer, your chances get slimmer and slimmer for forgiveness and that she hasn't moved on). What are you wanting?

 

I think about it all the time. Part of me really wants to contact her and try again. But I broke up with her once for a week, got back together. Then a month later I broke up with her permanently. These were all due to feelings that there is someone else out there who is better for me. The weed smoking bothered me, drinking bothered me (although she was no alcoholic or anything, but due to her depression the way she handled it by having a drink/smoking weed it becomes a bit of a worry/flag). But honestly the only thing I really don't like about her is that she can be really rude. Like her insecurities when we go out turn her into kind of a bitch (and honestly those are even her words), and then she defends herself by saying "you should know I can be a bitch sometimes, that's who I am". This is not someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I feel like I am overreacting and focusing on that one aspect and honestly she doesn't see it and it makes me feel like an ******* when I bring it up. But my family has mentioned it to me, and my friends have also mentioned they think she is fake and that I can do better. I try not to let this factor into it, but obviously I want my family/friends to like who I am dating.

 

But when we're together by ourselves I see all of her amazing qualities and part of me knows that the reason she is like that is because she is hurt and has been struggling with depression. She has low self esteem, is very insecure and has a lot of anger because of it. I wanted so badly to be the person that made her trust again. But it never happened because whenever we would spend time together things would be great, but as soon as we went out with friends (drinking enhanced this) her insecurities would come out and she always just became so defensive and snappy. She has gotten into little arguments with my friends at things that started out as jokes. Which drove me further away, causing her to become more unsure of herself and where she stood with me. I would be frustrated, she never understood why, and 6/10 times on nights we went out we would go to bed unhappy. What makes matters worse is I am very insecure myself. I struggled with opening up to her which made everything worse for her as well. I wanted to be the person she could finally trust, and in a way I was. She opened up to me and instead of just being supportive, I would often try and "fix" her, telling her what she needs to do to try and "get over this". My intentions were always good, but I went about it the wrong way. And now I've only hurt her worse than ever before. And yet I expected her to talk to me about things, but I would never reciprocate. No wonder she felt insecure, I never truly let her in.

 

Even writing all this I feel like I am completely picking her apart and over analyzing ****. But the last thing I want to do is jump back into it and both of us have to go through this all over again.

 

So basically part of me just wants to initiate contact, start talking slowly and eventually bring all of this up. But then I also don't want to open old wounds for her. I know what I need to do in order to make the relationship work, but she doesn't because I didn't really explain what truly bothered me. I did it subtly throughout the relationship, but when we broke up I used the "I just need to be single right now" line in order to spare her feelings. Which was honestly 100% true in a way, but not the whole truth. I know for a fact she is still hurting, due to reading her blog. Part of me thinks she knows I know about it, and is playing mind games posting things hoping that I read it and I will come back to her. And I also worry that either her or myself down the line when we figure out what we want to do/head back to school or whatever are going to go through the whole G.I.G.S thing. Like we're only band aids for each other.

 

But I can't deny that the level of caring I have for her rivals that of my own family. And I don't know why or how that happened. It's ****ed. So to answer your question, I know what I want, but unfortunately I can't figure out if that = what is the best choice.

[DontWorryBHappy]

In your case, I think if you feel this much doubt and if there really are things left unsaid that are important enough to you, maybe you should say them. I know my opinion is not the most popular here, but I really truly believe that these situations are not black and white. Sure, it's possible that someone (or both) people could get hurt by you resuming contact. BUT it's also possible that each of you could come away from it with a renewed understanding. If I were you I wouldn't want to play the "what if" game every single day. I say, be who you are and do what you feel is in your gut, regardless of what anyone on here says. Also - did you ever actually talk to her seriously about changing the rude behavior? As in, letting her know just how much it bothers you and asking her if she would work on a solution?

Edited March 26, 2014 by DontWorryBHappy

[somegoodman]

 

When we go out on the other hand, with friends or family even. It's like she is a different person. She is insecure, which I can understand and feel as though I can show her more attention to help with that. But the way she deals with it, it's like she puts others down to build herself up. She tends to speak her mind, but it's like she lacks empathy and some of the things she says are pretty cruel. Often times I can't really believe that the same person who is so thoughtful in getting my family gifts etc upon visits, is the same person who will talk about a girl being a slut who I personally knew and she had never met and was sitting right across from her.

 

Friends seem to think she is fake, as in she seems nice on the exterior but once she starts drinking or when we go out she becomes very snappy. If I do something to make her upset, she seems to handle it by "getting back at me" ("you don't want to come with me to my friend's birthday with a bunch of girls that you don't know? I'm not going to go to your family dinner tomorrow"). Lacks motivation, partly I'm sure due to her depression, but how does one know? She is very dependant on weed, she drinks a lot...uses them both as ways to cope. Our relationship was kind of long distance for the first couple months, and will be now if we were to get back together. Because of how she acts when she drinks (becomes very "sexual") I have a difficult time trusting her when I'm not around...

 

Huge red flags. Make no mistake, this is the real "her". Used to date one just like it. Run like the goddamned wind. She's probably BPD.

[disclosure]

In your case, I think if you feel this much doubt and if there really are things left unsaid that are important enough to you, maybe you should say them. I know my opinion is not the most popular here, but I really truly believe that these situations are not black and white. Sure, it's possible that someone (or both) people could get hurt by you resuming contact. BUT it's also possible that each of you could come away from it with a renewed understanding. If I were you I wouldn't want to play the "what if" game every single day. I say, be who you are and do what you feel is in your gut, regardless of what anyone on here says. Also - did you ever actually talk to her seriously about changing the rude behavior? As in, letting her know just how much it bothers you and asking her if she would work on a solution?

 

I remember once I did. We had gone out to a club and all night she was talking about how all the girls in there looked slutty etc and then this girl I went to school with came up stairs and was hanging out with our group and I had told her that I knew her, and she started going off on how they looked etc. Later I told her how I hate how she acts like a bitch (again, she even admits it) sometimes and almost seems proud of it. I said that if that were the case I would not have dated her in the first place. But I honestly can't remember where it went from there, I think that was toward the end of the relationship.

 

Am I overreacting though? Is this common for girls to be insecure like that?

 

Huge red flags. Make no mistake, this is the real "her". Used to date one just like it. Run like the goddamned wind. She's probably BPD.

 

Well she has been diagnosed with depression. But I've been exposed to the good side of her and that's what makes it hard. Not to say that depression is the "bad side" of her, because I don't think that at all. But the things I talked about. Part of me truly believes (or wants to believe) that that isn't really who she is and it's a defence.

 

 

 

But yeah, after all of this, she actually texted me tonight. I replied, keeping it casual. Terrified, relieved, curious, anxious.

Edited March 26, 2014 by disclosure

[DontWorryBHappy]

To answer your question, yeah, most girls around that age (and I'm a girl too, early twenties myself) can be a little insecure around other women. It's just instilled into society for women to be a little competitive with each other. HOWEVER, not all of us voice it the way your ex does. I wouldn't be one to make those type of comments, and especially not about people who the person I'm with knows. That's just crossing a line. You aren't overreacting to that one. That being said, I think it was worth sitting her down and laying out how it made you feel in a more direct way (as in, not while actually AT the club but in a more normal situation) so that she'd understand you weren't just passively annoyed, but instead, very concerned.

Edited March 26, 2014 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontBreakEven]

Huge red flags. Make no mistake, this is the real "her". Used to date one just like it. Run like the goddamned wind. She's probably BPD.

 

This is absolutely no indication of BPD whatsoever. Most ridiculous post I've ever seen on here, and that's saying a lot.

[DontBreakEven]

But yeah, after all of this, she actually texted me tonight. I replied, keeping it casual. Terrified, relieved, curious, anxious.

 

Wow. Well that's interesting she reached out to you.

[disclosure]

Texted me drunk last night asking me what I was up to, then when I responded casually and asked her the same thing she says "hoping we can hook up tonight". Didn't really know what to say, so ignored it. Then she called me, I answered and she was clearly drunk, asking if she could see me. Told her I couldn't because I was spending the night out with friends at a club (which was the truth, even if I wanted to). Then she texts me some other number, twice...told her I didn't know who's number it was. Then later on at like 3am she texts me sorry about last night and tells me how she has been thinking about me and wants to see me.

 

Called that other number this morning and it's some random guy.

 

 

Tbh, **** ruined my night. Thought about her all night and I just couldn't enjoy myself. Don't really know how to respond tho..kind of want to lash out and text her some passive aggressive **** like "It's cool. Hope you got a hold of that other guy! :)". But I can't because I broke up with her so I just have to sit here and take it. Our breakup was 5 months ago, and it was extremely difficult for both of us...tbh I still think about her daily and now this **** has set me back and it's so ****ing frustrating.

[STM206]

It's nice to see a dumper actually have feelings.

 

I'm sorry that you had a rough night. I think the best thing would to not give him a response.

[disclosure]

Now she wants to go for coffee sometime...

 

 

Trying to think of how this turns out either way in her eyes. Tbh I really want to go and I would have said yes...but now it seems I may know her intentions (after last night) and I'm not sure if mine are the same at this point tbh.

 

But it's been like 4-5 months no contact...part of me thinks I should go and give it a shot because I still miss her myself and have really wanted to see her. I feel like I owe it to her and to myself. The other part of me doesn't want to go and give her false hope only to have her put her feelings out there right away and be rejected again because I know after one coffee date I can't just jump straight back into it right now.

 

 

Advice? Pretty torn...like I said had this incident last night not occurred I would have said yes in a heartbeat...but now that this confusing **** happened it seems she might think differently now if I say yes.

 

Debating on straight up being honest with her since that was my biggest regret since breaking up with her. Telling her that I would like to go, but I don't know what my intentions are at this point other than to just catch up, so I don't know if it's a good idea given last night's situation..