New User? Just Got Dumped? Sad? Depressed? Read this

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Hey everyone new and old. I hope this new year has brought some better times. I've seen many of threads like this on this site (ex Oracle's one pinned here), and they helped me when my breakup happened over a year and a half ago. I feel maybe my spin can help some others on this, my 1,000 post!

I know a lot of you (especially the new users) are having a really rough time. Breakups are probably one of the hardest things to deal with in our lifetimes. You knew the person SO well, you spent so many memories with a person, and you always thought they would be there. In a quick instance, life can change. POOF. They are gone.

Many of us wonder what the hell actually happened? "They were so loving and caring. Where did it all go wrong?" Many sleepless nights, thoughts running rampant, emotions going bezerk. We talk to all of our friends and family, and then they get sick of you talking about it lol. It takes over your mind....but ALL you want to do is talk to your ex. Let them know you still care. IF you could just talk to them that one more time...you go "no one knows him/her like I do" or "He/She isn't like that" and you battle with yourself. It's an endless cycle.

All of these things are VERY normal. It's okay to be upset. BREAKUPS SUCK! With that said, there are some things you have to understand and go though. This section is what I've dealt with and seen on here THOUSANDS of times on this site.

Step 1: The Breakup

Bam. It hits. He/She wants the relationship to be done. The feelings for you are VERY low and sometimes even FULLY gone. There are many reason why. They could have not liked how you have been acting. They could have found someone else. They could have just grown apart from you. No matter the reason, they are done. Many of us are blind sighted by it. How could they just change like that?!?! Here are some things to keep in mind:

-A LARGE amount of dumpers have thought about this for awhile. It's never usually a spur of the moment decision. They have thought a while about this. They have weighted out their own feelings in their head for a bit. (without you knowing) and they came to the decision to be done. Once they get it through their mind, there isn't much stopping them.

-As mentioned, there are lots of reasons why someone wants to break up. Found a different partner they want to pursue/are perusing. Grown apart from you...dont see a future with you anymore, etc. If you get a specific reason why, count yourself lucky lol. Most dumpers have a hard time really telling you the truth because they are coming to terms with it as well.

Step 2: Aftermath

Once it happens, 1,000 questions fill your mind. It's a snowball of emotions and inquires. "What happened? What did I do? What did you do?....all of these. Your world has just crumbled around you. This isnt the same person you knew and loved. This is where your emotions FULLY overpower your mind. You can't get a clear thought in your head. This stage is where dumpees make the worst mistakes and regret a LOT after. I've done it, seen it, and read 100000 stories on here. Thats why you are here right? To ask questions and make sense of it all. These are important and probably the most important part of this post (NEW USERS PAY ATTENTION).

It's very normal for someone to want to fix what is broken. When the relationship ends, many of us want to do WHATEVER it takes to get this person back. This includes:

-Begging -heartfelt expressions of love -Heartfelt letters/emails -gifts

-phonecalls -late night knocks on doors -Apology e-mails about how you'll do better -etc

Everything I mentioned above...DO NOT DO! When someone dumps you, again, they thought about it for awhile and they wanted to be done. Any of these items I listed WILL make you look needy/clingy/desperate/creepy/etc. It sounds like SUCH a good idea I know. "Oh no one knows him/her like I do. I KNOW this will change their mind" I did it too....This is where I (and many others) disagree FULLY. Yes, every situation is "different", but human emotions are the same. As a dumper, they made this decision. What's worse than someone begging for them to come back and pretty much saying you made the wrong decision? It's a terrible look for you. This will NOT make them realize their "mistake" or take you back. Think about the one time you dated someone that was begging you to date them and looked so helpless in the process? I can bet there isnt many stories of that, if at all. Going gracefully is the BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you. You WILL regret this later if you don't.

-Do NOT hound the dumper about the reasons. It's at LEAST fair for you to understand why this is happening, but if you press the issue, all you are going to do is make them incredibly angry at you. Hounding someone is also a terrible idea, not just in breakups but life as well. Many dumpers don't want you to know the real reasons because it: A. Makes them look bad B. They dont want to hurt you C.They want to possibly keep you as a "backup" plan. There are many more, but just some I've seen.

Step 3: The After

So, you guys are broken up. Boy, does it suck. Those thoughts are just going a mile a minute. You can stop thinking about it. You feel sick to your stomach. All the memories keep flooding in. And the biggest: " I WANT to reach out to this person. I want them to see that I've changed and I've realized my mistakes. I want THEM to want ME again." This is also where people get in trouble because, well lets face it, you arent in the right mind to do anything. Examples are:

-Being "friends" after a breakup. NO NO NO. You know damn good and well you dont want to be friends, at least that soon after. You STILL care/love this person. You think "Well, having them as a friend is better than not havin them at all." Is that so? Does hearing about your "friend" and who they are into now appeal to you? Heaing about their dates? Hearing about their sexual partners? New loves? This is what FRIENDS do. If those things will crush you to hear, you DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS. Plus, it also makes you a doormat. You are cool with being "demoted" to friend? You are hurt and using the friend angle to try and get back with them. NO NO NO NO. The ONLY way you can be friends is if a LOT of time has passed and both parties are indifferent towards eachother. If not, it WILL lead to more heartbreak.

-You want to stay in their lives so they can see you have changed. Again, NO NO NO. Look, they broke up with YOU! It is not your responsibility to make someone see this. You cannot make someone care about you again. It doesnt work like that. It's going to be SO obvious to them and again, you will look so foolish and more hurt.

-You hear this a lot on this site, and I know it angers a lot of new users because it's something they dont want to hear. but DO NOT CONTACT THEM. That's what NC stands for. Anything you do after the breakup is wasted time/energy/emotions. If you get shot in the chest in the street, do you want to keep laying there and taking more bullets or do you want to get the hell out of there? If you keep contact with the ex, that's what you are doing. You are prologing the pain. According to a study, emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes, anything longer than that is considered to be self-inflicted. By talking to an ex, you are doing just that. I see many users go "Oh, I can't do that. Its too hard so stop telling me to not contact them." Yeah, it's probably hard, but knowing what they are doing in their life is SO much worse when you arent apart of it. Do you REALLY want to know that your ex went on a new date? haha I think not. Which brings me to...

-Social Media: BLOCK THEM. DO NOT STAY IN CONTACT OR FRIENDS WITH AN EX ON SOCIAL MEDIA. This question and issue gets brought up a BUNCH. Most threads here is like "Oh, I saw my ex posted a picture of him/her with this person. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN" or "Oh, my ex liked my status WHAT DOES THIS MEAN." Look, a large amount of the time, IT MEANS NOTHING. Take the step and block them/delete them/whatever. Your head will SPIN if you keep them around I promise you. Why keep doing that to youself? Yes, it keeps him/her in the front of your mind, but it just makes things SOOOO much worse.

-You will see the word "breadcrumbs" thrown around on this site a lot. After a breakup, sometimes an ex will send a text or call saying stuff like "Hey, hope you're doing okay" or "I miss you" or "Remember when...." There are many forms of it, but these are called breadcrumbs. Just like everything else, ignore them. You might think "OH THIS IS A SIGN THEY WANT ME BACK!" It sucks, but that is HARDLY ever the case. IF they truely wanted you back, they would do a LOT more than that, I assure you. Very rarely is that ever the case.

-You are going to have times where you want to STILL reach out. It's normal. With that said, what good is it going to do? They are moving on, THAT was their goal in the breakup right? Like I said, contacting them is only going to make matters worse. They will remember these things..

Step 4: Coping

Now that you have fully come to terms with the breakup, its time to do you. These sound SO cliche, but you need to work on you. Go do some things that make YOU happy. Whether thats playing sports, hanging with friends, shopping, working out...whatever the case may be, do things that make YOU happy. It's going to be tough, but push through it. Quit moping around. Life is WAY too short to be dwelling on one person. You will regret the time you wasted worrying about what your ex is thinking about. He/She obviously didnt think enough of you, so why waste your time thinking of them? Slowly, it will get better. The phrase "time heals all wounds" is a godsent. It doesnt feel like it, but you will heal, but ONLY if you apply yourself to WANT to heal. I've seen people on here that REFUSE to heal and they keep stabbing themselves with a knife over and over again. You have to WANT to stop feeling like crap all the time and WANT to do something. Once you make the pledge to do that, things get better. In addition, EVERYONE heals differently. Some people get over a relationship in a couple weeks, months, and extreme cases years. There is no timetable for recovery, but I can assure you that the WANT to feel better will skyrocket you there quicker.

-If problems still presist, it's okay to ask for help. Going to see a professional about these things are very normal. I did for a little bit, and I've ALWAYS been someone who doesnt need help from anyone. It's okay to realize that your emotions can get the best of you.

-When feeling down, come to this site. That's why loveshack exist. Vent your frustrations, tell us why you are sad, whatever! No one is going to chastise you for saying how you feel. We're all on the same team.

Step 5: Acceptance/Indifference

One day, you will hit this stage. Many of you are thinking "Wow, there is NO way I'll ever get to just not caring." I promise each and every one of you, if you work hard, you WILL get here.

Again, you have to want to be better. Yes, losing someone so close to you sucks. This was something I was NOT ready for and I lost a LOT because of it. A job, career, living...everything. I hated myself and my life. With time, and a will to do better, I survived. After a year and a half, I'm in a new city, with a new job, new life, and a new girlfriend who DESTROYS every quality my ex had. I'm happy again. It took some time, but I came back from the dead, and so can you.

I dont know if any of these will help, but they did for me. Keep your head up.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Thank you so much ConfusedHumanbeing! I needed this. I really did. I have bookmarked your thread. I am going through a bad LTR breakup and copying up with it is tough. Thank you for showing that there is still hope.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

"If you get shot in the chest in the street, do you want to keep laying there and taking more bullets or do you want to get the hell out of there?"

Amen, brother.

I will also add that, for me, NC has gradually evolved from a dungeon to a safe cocoon. A few days ago I saw my ex for the first time since the breakup (8 months ago) and followed my instinct to avoid him. NC helped me detach by reinforcing that we no longer are in each other's lives. It's sad, but it's also reality. Sometimes I get wistful, but I know the alternative (contact) would be the emotional equivalent of laying in the street saying "shoot me again, please!" No thanks. I'll keep moving forward, slowly but surely.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Thanks Confused, you have summed it up very well.

So do you still miss her? the ex. Do you have any contact with her?

Did you only really heal when you met the new one or were you 100% healed before you entered your new relationship?

Do you find yourself being more mindful of being dumped in your new relationship? More careful not to make mistakes?

Personally I'm 4 months post BU and I can't wait to see my ex again. I know I will one day.. it's the only thought that keeps me going. Like you say you have to want to heal. I think being stuck in the pain is the way we cling on to the dead relationship. I think I will just wallow in this phase a little longer..

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Ah, wise wise advice. I wish I listened to ALL of it 10 months ago, but hey we all learn something new every day (;

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Thank you for sharing. All very true. NC is the start of healing. This is a MUST. Your serenity is your priority.

I started reading, "Getting Past Your Break Up" - Susan Elliott. Highly recommend it!!!

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Thanks for the great 1000 post OP!

Thank you for sharing. All very true. NC is the start of healing. This is a MUST. Your serenity is your priority.

I started reading, "Getting Past Your Break Up" - Susan Elliott. Highly recommend it!!!

Did that book help you out?

Today marks 2 weeks since she made up her decision and told me she was firm with wanting to separate.

Right now I am on that emotional roller coaster. I will be good for a day then be sad for a few more. Wash rinse and repeat.

Today is day 10 NC since the last text I sent her. And that was just a simple text telling her that the movers were still set to come on the day I planned.

I still have moments were I have a STRONG urge to contact her or her mom (me and her mom grew close). I still miss her tremendously, and I still am struggling with accepting she is gone

Truth be told, one of my flaws while trying to follow throughout this breakup process is accepting the true meaning of NC. I REALLY want it to be for ME, but I have to be honest.. I am also clinging on hopes that she will throw out a breadcrumb.. Terrible.. I know.. I honestly think she wont, but why do I keep telling myself that after a few weeks she will send me something? False hope SUCKS. I need to find a way to conquer it.

We also lived together which added another dimension to the break up. I almost wonder if it would be significantly easier if we hadn't lived together??

Either way, I am in the same boat as everyone else on this site. Broken hearts suck. So does NC - but it's the most effective tool to battle a BH. Gotta keep strong, I guess.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Thanks for the great 1000 post OP!

Did that book help you out?

Yes!!! Can't put it down. Great advice and perspective. It is like reading LS, but in a book form in regards to step by step suggestions.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Thank you for sharing. All very true. NC is the start of healing. This is a MUST. Your serenity is your priority.

I started reading, "Getting Past Your Break Up" - Susan Elliott. Highly recommend it!!!

I am going to pickup that book today to read. I need anything to help me move on.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

This is "Sticky" worthy.

Posted January 30, 2014 · January 30, 2014

Listen to this friends. `Pinned please`

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Thanks Confused, you have summed it up very well.

So do you still miss her? the ex. Do you have any contact with her?

Did you only really heal when you met the new one or were you 100% healed before you entered your new relationship?

Do you find yourself being more mindful of being dumped in your new relationship? More careful not to make mistakes?

Personally I'm 4 months post BU and I can't wait to see my ex again. I know I will one day.. it's the only thought that keeps me going. Like you say you have to want to heal. I think being stuck in the pain is the way we cling on to the dead relationship. I think I will just wallow in this phase a little longer..

First, thanks everyone. Saw a lot of new users, thought this site might help.

Dawg, as I mentioned, people heal at different speeds. When my BU happened, I did everything wrong. Called, texted, wrote letters, etc. After two months of this, I reliazed it was making me look awful and wasnt even close to working and even made it worse. So I went NC and kept my sanity.

I havent spoken to her in about 14 months. Do I miss her? No...I miss some of the.memories sure, but that's normal. I realized, over time, that I relied on her to make me "happy" again. I wanted her back to just stop feeling sad. That's not right.

I worked on myself. I didn't want to date anyone else. I slowly started to go out with other girls, but I want healed. When you are fully over it, or at least ready, you will know. It took Mena full year. I met a girl who was insanely awesome. She was funny, smart, and attractive I was into her because I fully moved on. I was indifferent to my ex. We took things slow and now we've been together for like three or four months. Im l scared it will happen again? A little more nervous than usual haha but you gotta put yourself back out there.

You are still pretty early on and yes, missing your ex WILL happen. With that said, does she miss you as much? Does she pine over you like you do her? I'm going out on the limb and saying no so why should you with her? If she doesn't want that, it's time to move forward one step at a time.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Thanks for this. I am so sad 6 months post BU but this makes it seem like it will be okay

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Thanks for this. I am so sad 6 months post BU but this makes it seem like it will be okay

It will be. You just have to work towards it.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Did all these as well Confused. New users take note. It will spare you a lot of grief. (God i feel so old Confused)

First, thanks everyone. Saw a lot of new users, thought this site might help.

Dawg, as I mentioned, people heal at different speeds. When my BU happened, I did everything wrong. Called, texted, wrote letters, etc. After two months of this, I reliazed it was making me look awful and wasnt even close to working and even made it worse. So I went NC and kept my sanity.

I havent spoken to her in about 14 months. Do I miss her? No...I miss some of the.memories sure, but that's normal. I realized, over time, that I relied on her to make me "happy" again. I wanted her back to just stop feeling sad. That's not right.

I worked on myself. I didn't want to date anyone else. I slowly started to go out with other girls, but I want healed. When you are fully over it, or at least ready, you will know. It took Mena full year. I met a girl who was insanely awesome. She was funny, smart, and attractive I was into her because I fully moved on. I was indifferent to my ex. We took things slow and now we've been together for like three or four months. Im l scared it will happen again? A little more nervous than usual haha but you gotta put yourself back out there.

You are still pretty early on and yes, missing your ex WILL happen. With that said, does she miss you as much? Does she pine over you like you do her? I'm going out on the limb and saying no so why should you with her? If she doesn't want that, it's time to move forward one step at a time.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Did all these as well Confused. New users take note. It will spare you a lot of grief. (God i feel so old Confused)

Hahaha welcome to the club.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Hahaha welcome to the club.

I wrote this long email that detailed all that went wrong and how we could fix it. He wrote back one sentence, "thank you for these thoughts." It's embarrassing now but a lesson learned.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

I got down on my knees and wrapped my arms around her leg to try and prevent her leaving.. she was like kicking/ shaking her leg to get me off. Hilarious.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Hey everyone new and old. I hope this new year has brought some better times. I've seen many of threads like this on this site (ex Oracle's one pinned here), and they helped me when my breakup happened over a year and a half ago. I feel maybe my spin can help some others on this, my 1,000 post!

I know a lot of you (especially the new users) are having a really rough time. Breakups are probably one of the hardest things to deal with in our lifetimes. You knew the person SO well, you spent so many memories with a person, and you always thought they would be there. In a quick instance, life can change. POOF. They are gone.

Many of us wonder what the hell actually happened? "They were so loving and caring. Where did it all go wrong?" Many sleepless nights, thoughts running rampant, emotions going bezerk. We talk to all of our friends and family, and then they get sick of you talking about it lol. It takes over your mind....but ALL you want to do is talk to your ex. Let them know you still care. IF you could just talk to them that one more time...you go "no one knows him/her like I do" or "He/She isn't like that" and you battle with yourself. It's an endless cycle.

All of these things are VERY normal. It's okay to be upset. BREAKUPS SUCK! With that said, there are some things you have to understand and go though. This section is what I've dealt with and seen on here THOUSANDS of times on this site.

Step 1: The Breakup
Bam. It hits. He/She wants the relationship to be done. The feelings for you are VERY low and sometimes even FULLY gone. There are many reason why. They could have not liked how you have been acting. They could have found someone else. They could have just grown apart from you. No matter the reason, they are done. Many of us are blind sighted by it. How could they just change like that?!?! Here are some things to keep in mind:

-A LARGE amount of dumpers have thought about this for awhile. It's never usually a spur of the moment decision. They have thought a while about this. They have weighted out their own feelings in their head for a bit. (without you knowing) and they came to the decision to be done. Once they get it through their mind, there isn't much stopping them.

-As mentioned, there are lots of reasons why someone wants to break up. Found a different partner they want to pursue/are perusing. Grown apart from you...dont see a future with you anymore, etc. If you get a specific reason why, count yourself lucky lol. Most dumpers have a hard time really telling you the truth because they are coming to terms with it as well.

Step 2: Aftermath
Once it happens, 1,000 questions fill your mind. It's a snowball of emotions and inquires. "What happened? What did I do? What did you do?....all of these. Your world has just crumbled around you. This isnt the same person you knew and loved. This is where your emotions FULLY overpower your mind. You can't get a clear thought in your head. This stage is where dumpees make the worst mistakes and regret a LOT after. I've done it, seen it, and read 100000 stories on here. Thats why you are here right? To ask questions and make sense of it all. These are important and probably the most important part of this post (NEW USERS PAY ATTENTION).

It's very normal for someone to want to fix what is broken. When the relationship ends, many of us want to do WHATEVER it takes to get this person back. This includes:

-Begging -heartfelt expressions of love -Heartfelt letters/emails -gifts

-phonecalls -late night knocks on doors -Apology e-mails about how you'll do better -etc

Everything I mentioned above...DO NOT DO! When someone dumps you, again, they thought about it for awhile and they wanted to be done. Any of these items I listed WILL make you look needy/clingy/desperate/creepy/etc. It sounds like SUCH a good idea I know. "Oh no one knows him/her like I do. I KNOW this will change their mind" I did it too....This is where I (and many others) disagree FULLY. Yes, every situation is "different", but human emotions are the same. As a dumper, they made this decision. What's worse than someone begging for them to come back and pretty much saying you made the wrong decision? It's a terrible look for you. This will NOT make them realize their "mistake" or take you back. Think about the one time you dated someone that was begging you to date them and looked so helpless in the process? I can bet there isnt many stories of that, if at all. Going gracefully is the BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you. You WILL regret this later if you don't.

-Do NOT hound the dumper about the reasons. It's at LEAST fair for you to understand why this is happening, but if you press the issue, all you are going to do is make them incredibly angry at you. Hounding someone is also a terrible idea, not just in breakups but life as well. Many dumpers don't want you to know the real reasons because it: A. Makes them look bad B. They dont want to hurt you C.They want to possibly keep you as a "backup" plan. There are many more, but just some I've seen.

Step 3: The After
So, you guys are broken up. Boy, does it suck. Those thoughts are just going a mile a minute. You can stop thinking about it. You feel sick to your stomach. All the memories keep flooding in. And the biggest: " I WANT to reach out to this person. I want them to see that I've changed and I've realized my mistakes. I want THEM to want ME again." This is also where people get in trouble because, well lets face it, you arent in the right mind to do anything. Examples are:

-Being "friends" after a breakup. NO NO NO. You know damn good and well you dont want to be friends, at least that soon after. You STILL care/love this person. You think "Well, having them as a friend is better than not havin them at all." Is that so? Does hearing about your "friend" and who they are into now appeal to you? Heaing about their dates? Hearing about their sexual partners? New loves? This is what FRIENDS do. If those things will crush you to hear, you DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS. Plus, it also makes you a doormat. You are cool with being "demoted" to friend? You are hurt and using the friend angle to try and get back with them. NO NO NO NO. The ONLY way you can be friends is if a LOT of time has passed and both parties are indifferent towards eachother. If not, it WILL lead to more heartbreak.

-You want to stay in their lives so they can see you have changed. Again, NO NO NO. Look, they broke up with YOU! It is not your responsibility to make someone see this. You cannot make someone care about you again. It doesnt work like that. It's going to be SO obvious to them and again, you will look so foolish and more hurt.

-You hear this a lot on this site, and I know it angers a lot of new users because it's something they dont want to hear. but DO NOT CONTACT THEM. That's what NC stands for. Anything you do after the breakup is wasted time/energy/emotions. If you get shot in the chest in the street, do you want to keep laying there and taking more bullets or do you want to get the hell out of there? If you keep contact with the ex, that's what you are doing. You are prologing the pain. According to a study, emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes, anything longer than that is considered to be self-inflicted. By talking to an ex, you are doing just that. I see many users go "Oh, I can't do that. Its too hard so stop telling me to not contact them." Yeah, it's probably hard, but knowing what they are doing in their life is SO much worse when you arent apart of it. Do you REALLY want to know that your ex went on a new date? haha I think not. Which brings me to...

-Social Media: BLOCK THEM. DO NOT STAY IN CONTACT OR FRIENDS WITH AN EX ON SOCIAL MEDIA. This question and issue gets brought up a BUNCH. Most threads here is like "Oh, I saw my ex posted a picture of him/her with this person. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN" or "Oh, my ex liked my status WHAT DOES THIS MEAN." Look, a large amount of the time, IT MEANS NOTHING. Take the step and block them/delete them/whatever. Your head will SPIN if you keep them around I promise you. Why keep doing that to youself? Yes, it keeps him/her in the front of your mind, but it just makes things SOOOO much worse.

-You will see the word "breadcrumbs" thrown around on this site a lot. After a breakup, sometimes an ex will send a text or call saying stuff like "Hey, hope you're doing okay" or "I miss you" or "Remember when...." There are many forms of it, but these are called breadcrumbs. Just like everything else, ignore them. You might think "OH THIS IS A SIGN THEY WANT ME BACK!" It sucks, but that is HARDLY ever the case. IF they truely wanted you back, they would do a LOT more than that, I assure you. Very rarely is that ever the case.

-You are going to have times where you want to STILL reach out. It's normal. With that said, what good is it going to do? They are moving on, THAT was their goal in the breakup right? Like I said, contacting them is only going to make matters worse. They will remember these things..

Step 4: Coping
Now that you have fully come to terms with the breakup, its time to do you. These sound SO cliche, but you need to work on you. Go do some things that make YOU happy. Whether thats playing sports, hanging with friends, shopping, working out...whatever the case may be, do things that make YOU happy. It's going to be tough, but push through it. Quit moping around. Life is WAY too short to be dwelling on one person. You will regret the time you wasted worrying about what your ex is thinking about. He/She obviously didnt think enough of you, so why waste your time thinking of them? Slowly, it will get better. The phrase "time heals all wounds" is a godsent. It doesnt feel like it, but you will heal, but ONLY if you apply yourself to WANT to heal. I've seen people on here that REFUSE to heal and they keep stabbing themselves with a knife over and over again. You have to WANT to stop feeling like crap all the time and WANT to do something. Once you make the pledge to do that, things get better. In addition, EVERYONE heals differently. Some people get over a relationship in a couple weeks, months, and extreme cases years. There is no timetable for recovery, but I can assure you that the WANT to feel better will skyrocket you there quicker.

-If problems still presist, it's okay to ask for help. Going to see a professional about these things are very normal. I did for a little bit, and I've ALWAYS been someone who doesnt need help from anyone. It's okay to realize that your emotions can get the best of you.

-When feeling down, come to this site. That's why loveshack exist. Vent your frustrations, tell us why you are sad, whatever! No one is going to chastise you for saying how you feel. We're all on the same team.

Step 5: Acceptance/Indifference
One day, you will hit this stage. Many of you are thinking "Wow, there is NO way I'll ever get to just not caring." I promise each and every one of you, if you work hard, you WILL get here.

Again, you have to want to be better. Yes, losing someone so close to you sucks. This was something I was NOT ready for and I lost a LOT because of it. A job, career, living...everything. I hated myself and my life. With time, and a will to do better, I survived. After a year and a half, I'm in a new city, with a new job, new life, and a new girlfriend who DESTROYS every quality my ex had. I'm happy again. It took some time, but I came back from the dead, and so can you.

I dont know if any of these will help, but they did for me. Keep your head up.

NC hardway

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

great post. i wonder if there could be a step 6 in which after being 100% cured you then logicaly thinking see the ex dumper as a person you would like to be with.

Hey everyone new and old. I hope this new year has brought some better times. I've seen many of threads like this on this site (ex Oracle's one pinned here), and they helped me when my breakup happened over a year and a half ago. I feel maybe my spin can help some others on this, my 1,000 post!

I know a lot of you (especially the new users) are having a really rough time. Breakups are probably one of the hardest things to deal with in our lifetimes. You knew the person SO well, you spent so many memories with a person, and you always thought they would be there. In a quick instance, life can change. POOF. They are gone.

Many of us wonder what the hell actually happened? "They were so loving and caring. Where did it all go wrong?" Many sleepless nights, thoughts running rampant, emotions going bezerk. We talk to all of our friends and family, and then they get sick of you talking about it lol. It takes over your mind....but ALL you want to do is talk to your ex. Let them know you still care. IF you could just talk to them that one more time...you go "no one knows him/her like I do" or "He/She isn't like that" and you battle with yourself. It's an endless cycle.

All of these things are VERY normal. It's okay to be upset. BREAKUPS SUCK! With that said, there are some things you have to understand and go though. This section is what I've dealt with and seen on here THOUSANDS of times on this site.

Step 1: The Breakup
Bam. It hits. He/She wants the relationship to be done. The feelings for you are VERY low and sometimes even FULLY gone. There are many reason why. They could have not liked how you have been acting. They could have found someone else. They could have just grown apart from you. No matter the reason, they are done. Many of us are blind sighted by it. How could they just change like that?!?! Here are some things to keep in mind:

-A LARGE amount of dumpers have thought about this for awhile. It's never usually a spur of the moment decision. They have thought a while about this. They have weighted out their own feelings in their head for a bit. (without you knowing) and they came to the decision to be done. Once they get it through their mind, there isn't much stopping them.

-As mentioned, there are lots of reasons why someone wants to break up. Found a different partner they want to pursue/are perusing. Grown apart from you...dont see a future with you anymore, etc. If you get a specific reason why, count yourself lucky lol. Most dumpers have a hard time really telling you the truth because they are coming to terms with it as well.

Step 2: Aftermath
Once it happens, 1,000 questions fill your mind. It's a snowball of emotions and inquires. "What happened? What did I do? What did you do?....all of these. Your world has just crumbled around you. This isnt the same person you knew and loved. This is where your emotions FULLY overpower your mind. You can't get a clear thought in your head. This stage is where dumpees make the worst mistakes and regret a LOT after. I've done it, seen it, and read 100000 stories on here. Thats why you are here right? To ask questions and make sense of it all. These are important and probably the most important part of this post (NEW USERS PAY ATTENTION).

It's very normal for someone to want to fix what is broken. When the relationship ends, many of us want to do WHATEVER it takes to get this person back. This includes:

-Begging -heartfelt expressions of love -Heartfelt letters/emails -gifts

-phonecalls -late night knocks on doors -Apology e-mails about how you'll do better -etc

Everything I mentioned above...DO NOT DO! When someone dumps you, again, they thought about it for awhile and they wanted to be done. Any of these items I listed WILL make you look needy/clingy/desperate/creepy/etc. It sounds like SUCH a good idea I know. "Oh no one knows him/her like I do. I KNOW this will change their mind" I did it too....This is where I (and many others) disagree FULLY. Yes, every situation is "different", but human emotions are the same. As a dumper, they made this decision. What's worse than someone begging for them to come back and pretty much saying you made the wrong decision? It's a terrible look for you. This will NOT make them realize their "mistake" or take you back. Think about the one time you dated someone that was begging you to date them and looked so helpless in the process? I can bet there isnt many stories of that, if at all. Going gracefully is the BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you. You WILL regret this later if you don't.

-Do NOT hound the dumper about the reasons. It's at LEAST fair for you to understand why this is happening, but if you press the issue, all you are going to do is make them incredibly angry at you. Hounding someone is also a terrible idea, not just in breakups but life as well. Many dumpers don't want you to know the real reasons because it: A. Makes them look bad B. They dont want to hurt you C.They want to possibly keep you as a "backup" plan. There are many more, but just some I've seen.

Step 3: The After
So, you guys are broken up. Boy, does it suck. Those thoughts are just going a mile a minute. You can stop thinking about it. You feel sick to your stomach. All the memories keep flooding in. And the biggest: " I WANT to reach out to this person. I want them to see that I've changed and I've realized my mistakes. I want THEM to want ME again." This is also where people get in trouble because, well lets face it, you arent in the right mind to do anything. Examples are:

-Being "friends" after a breakup. NO NO NO. You know damn good and well you dont want to be friends, at least that soon after. You STILL care/love this person. You think "Well, having them as a friend is better than not havin them at all." Is that so? Does hearing about your "friend" and who they are into now appeal to you? Heaing about their dates? Hearing about their sexual partners? New loves? This is what FRIENDS do. If those things will crush you to hear, you DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS. Plus, it also makes you a doormat. You are cool with being "demoted" to friend? You are hurt and using the friend angle to try and get back with them. NO NO NO NO. The ONLY way you can be friends is if a LOT of time has passed and both parties are indifferent towards eachother. If not, it WILL lead to more heartbreak.

-You want to stay in their lives so they can see you have changed. Again, NO NO NO. Look, they broke up with YOU! It is not your responsibility to make someone see this. You cannot make someone care about you again. It doesnt work like that. It's going to be SO obvious to them and again, you will look so foolish and more hurt.

-You hear this a lot on this site, and I know it angers a lot of new users because it's something they dont want to hear. but DO NOT CONTACT THEM. That's what NC stands for. Anything you do after the breakup is wasted time/energy/emotions. If you get shot in the chest in the street, do you want to keep laying there and taking more bullets or do you want to get the hell out of there? If you keep contact with the ex, that's what you are doing. You are prologing the pain. According to a study, emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes, anything longer than that is considered to be self-inflicted. By talking to an ex, you are doing just that. I see many users go "Oh, I can't do that. Its too hard so stop telling me to not contact them." Yeah, it's probably hard, but knowing what they are doing in their life is SO much worse when you arent apart of it. Do you REALLY want to know that your ex went on a new date? haha I think not. Which brings me to...

-Social Media: BLOCK THEM. DO NOT STAY IN CONTACT OR FRIENDS WITH AN EX ON SOCIAL MEDIA. This question and issue gets brought up a BUNCH. Most threads here is like "Oh, I saw my ex posted a picture of him/her with this person. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN" or "Oh, my ex liked my status WHAT DOES THIS MEAN." Look, a large amount of the time, IT MEANS NOTHING. Take the step and block them/delete them/whatever. Your head will SPIN if you keep them around I promise you. Why keep doing that to youself? Yes, it keeps him/her in the front of your mind, but it just makes things SOOOO much worse.

-You will see the word "breadcrumbs" thrown around on this site a lot. After a breakup, sometimes an ex will send a text or call saying stuff like "Hey, hope you're doing okay" or "I miss you" or "Remember when...." There are many forms of it, but these are called breadcrumbs. Just like everything else, ignore them. You might think "OH THIS IS A SIGN THEY WANT ME BACK!" It sucks, but that is HARDLY ever the case. IF they truely wanted you back, they would do a LOT more than that, I assure you. Very rarely is that ever the case.

-You are going to have times where you want to STILL reach out. It's normal. With that said, what good is it going to do? They are moving on, THAT was their goal in the breakup right? Like I said, contacting them is only going to make matters worse. They will remember these things..

Step 4: Coping
Now that you have fully come to terms with the breakup, its time to do you. These sound SO cliche, but you need to work on you. Go do some things that make YOU happy. Whether thats playing sports, hanging with friends, shopping, working out...whatever the case may be, do things that make YOU happy. It's going to be tough, but push through it. Quit moping around. Life is WAY too short to be dwelling on one person. You will regret the time you wasted worrying about what your ex is thinking about. He/She obviously didnt think enough of you, so why waste your time thinking of them? Slowly, it will get better. The phrase "time heals all wounds" is a godsent. It doesnt feel like it, but you will heal, but ONLY if you apply yourself to WANT to heal. I've seen people on here that REFUSE to heal and they keep stabbing themselves with a knife over and over again. You have to WANT to stop feeling like crap all the time and WANT to do something. Once you make the pledge to do that, things get better. In addition, EVERYONE heals differently. Some people get over a relationship in a couple weeks, months, and extreme cases years. There is no timetable for recovery, but I can assure you that the WANT to feel better will skyrocket you there quicker.

-If problems still presist, it's okay to ask for help. Going to see a professional about these things are very normal. I did for a little bit, and I've ALWAYS been someone who doesnt need help from anyone. It's okay to realize that your emotions can get the best of you.

-When feeling down, come to this site. That's why loveshack exist. Vent your frustrations, tell us why you are sad, whatever! No one is going to chastise you for saying how you feel. We're all on the same team.

Step 5: Acceptance/Indifference
One day, you will hit this stage. Many of you are thinking "Wow, there is NO way I'll ever get to just not caring." I promise each and every one of you, if you work hard, you WILL get here.

Again, you have to want to be better. Yes, losing someone so close to you sucks. This was something I was NOT ready for and I lost a LOT because of it. A job, career, living...everything. I hated myself and my life. With time, and a will to do better, I survived. After a year and a half, I'm in a new city, with a new job, new life, and a new girlfriend who DESTROYS every quality my ex had. I'm happy again. It took some time, but I came back from the dead, and so can you.

I dont know if any of these will help, but they did for me. Keep your head up.

Posted January 31, 2014 · January 31, 2014

Great post. I wish I had known all this when I went through my first breakup 3 years ago.

Posted February 1, 2014 · February 1, 2014

Bravo ConfusedHumanBeing, this should be a sticky so all newcomers can read it and digest the valuable information within. Great stuff.

Posted February 7, 2014 · February 7, 2014

Bravo ConfusedHumanBeing, this should be a sticky so all newcomers can read it and digest the valuable information within. Great stuff.

Appreciate that man. And everyone else on here.

Posted February 7, 2014 · February 7, 2014

I really needed to read this right now. I screwed up and basically did all of that today and now feel like a major doofus. The difference with my BU is that he's the one disappeared. I'm the one didn't go pining for him nor initiate any contact the entire time he was gone because I took as that was his escape. He's blaming me for the breakup and being an ******* while I'm blaming it all on him running away. It's just a big ass mess right now. I'm going to read this everyday that I start to feel like I want to contact him, over and over until I've almost memorized it.

Posted February 10, 2014 · February 10, 2014

I really needed to read this right now. I screwed up and basically did all of that today and now feel like a major doofus. The difference with my BU is that he's the one disappeared. I'm the one didn't go pining for him nor initiate any contact the entire time he was gone because I took as that was his escape. He's blaming me for the breakup and being an ******* while I'm blaming it all on him running away. It's just a big ass mess right now. I'm going to read this everyday that I start to feel like I want to contact him, over and over until I've almost memorized it.

The first initial thing to want to do after a BU is contact and fix the problem. We all make mistakes. You are strong enough to get over this, it just takes time.

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