in love with om

[pteromom]

I knoe he deserves better.....my feelings were changing for my H before this guy came along. I really just want to be happy again in my M. Weve been throygh counsrling, has helped a little. This whole experience has opened my eyes to whether or not i still in love with my H. Im giving it some time to hope that my feelings for OM fade so i can focus on M. Its just hard kbowing someones out there that possibly is right for me but itll never happen.

 

Your OM is the outlet for all your fantasies. When your husband doesn't meet your expectations, your heart thinks "OM would have done it the way I wanted." When your husband hurts you, your heart retreats to OM, who is always there to dream about. There is no pain with OM, because your history is based only on the good.

 

You never had time or reason to argue or fight for your side of an issue.

 

When you feel lonely, you conjure OM in your mind. You imagine him holding you, and saying those beautiful words.

 

Your husband cannot compete with the fantasy. Because he shares a life with you, and there's work to be done and compromises to be made in order for you both to be happy.

 

You will never be able to reconnect with your husband until you leave OM behind for good. What you are feeling is the FEELING of love. But love isn't just a feeling. It's a series of actions.

 

It's making the choice, every day, to stick by this person, even when your heart isn't feeling lovey. It's making the choice to accept him as he is, even if he isn't perfect or doesn't do everything the way you wish he would.

 

Your OM isn't making this choice for you. He's with his wife, making the choice for her. He's moved on. And it is time for you to move on too. See if you can reconnect to your husband. When you are feeling lonely or romantic, instead of fantasizing about your OM, remember when you met your husband, and fantasize about THOSE romantic memories. Remember what made you fall in love with him, and what made you say YES when he proposed. Remember your wedding day and wedding night, and everything you've been through with him.

 

You can't expect him to compete with a fantasy. He can never win, since OM is mostly a figment of your imagination.

[whichwayisup]

Appreciate i am sorry that she left you. I understand you must be hurting. I know i dont want to be like that. Its like im fighting with myself everyday.my mind says no, heart says yes. I hope you are doing well now. Can i ask you some questions since you were OM at one point? Even though our situations turned out different. Honestly the hardest part in all this i think is when i sent goodby email to him he just sent back "its ok" and thats it. In general i wrote how much i enjoyed meeting him,and that i was falling for him but know that things will never really change. So i told him he was a good person and father to his boys and that if anything should happen in the future not to forget about me. So that was generally what was said . And got a " its ok" back. Thats if. What do you think he was thinking? Why wouldnt a guy write back more? Was he embarrassdd? Sad, mad? Can a guy just simply forget or does ne think of md. I know you cant read his mind..just looking for a male perspective.

 

It's ok, means just that. It it what it is. He may not be expressive or emotional (showing emotions) so like many guys, he's to the point and blunt.

[Appreciate]

Appreciate i am sorry that she left you. I understand you must be hurting. I know i dont want to be like that. Its like im fighting with myself everyday.my mind says no, heart says yes. I hope you are doing well now. Can i ask you some questions since you were OM at one point? Even though our situations turned out different. Honestly the hardest part in all this i think is when i sent goodby email to him he just sent back "its ok" and thats it. In general i wrote how much i enjoyed meeting him,and that i was falling for him but know that things will never really change. So i told him he was a good person and father to his boys and that if anything should happen in the future not to forget about me. So that was generally what was said . And got a " its ok" back. Thats if. What do you think he was thinking? Why wouldnt a guy write back more? Was he embarrassdd? Sad, mad? Can a guy just simply forget or does ne think of md. I know you cant read his mind..just looking for a male perspective.

 

 

I'm surprised by that response, to be honest.

 

I can't imagine being involved with a woman, spending countless hours chatting and gaming, making love to her and writing "its ok" in response to a clearly emotional closure letter. It baffles my mind. Honestly, it could indicate any number of things, it's only two words. Usually, people say "its ok" when someone else is offering up an apology. I don't know how you ended the email, but I would consider that response a slap in the face and neglectful of your emotions. He may be a mixture of things: sad, ashamed, in agreement, 'everything will be ok' and not knowing exactly what to say. I'm guessing the latter. But don't spin your head around it. It's probably better he wrote that instead of some fond "I'll always remember you" letter for you to read over and over and keep you from truly reconnecting to your husband (if that's what you want).

[artdet]

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I met a MM under a similar setup, but I'm ahead of you time wise. There are so many things I learn and see in hind sight. Everyone is different but I can tell you what I know about MMs I met online. These MMs have surprisingly similar traits.

 

- They are very skilled at online and offline seduction, because they practice often. They say the right thing and have all the right moves. Women who have not been wooed by a man for a while are easy targets because these women are so gullible and so ready. Your MM sounds like a smooth operator, scoring with you first time he met you, and distancing himself cleanly after that.

- They are extremely calculative. They know how to minimize their efforts(time, emails, calls, affection) to maximize their satisfaction. You think you initiated the NC? Think again. It could very well be what he want from you.

- They go after several women at the same time. They say the same things, make the same moves, have the same connection with all these other women. Men are so different. They can hold several. Meeting men online is very risky exactly for this reason. You never know what they are doing on the other side of the terminal, and I suggest you not be naive and soul-maty about it. What he is doing with you, he is most likely doing with other women now.

- Even if these MM are miserable in their marriage and decided to D, they most probably won't choose a woman they met online and have casual sex with. These men are smart and selfish, they are scums that aim high.

- They are so much less of a man than our own husbands, but they are smooth operators.

 

Love may be blind, and to get out of it you need your eyes wide open. I wish you peace and clarity.

[wasntlooking]

Hes not an emotional person, keeps everything inside. He said that to me. Hes def a strong stubborn man who wont admit hes weak...and im the oppositr and eill wesr my heart on my sleeve

[Appreciate]

Well then his and your responses sound emblematic of your relationship.

 

 

In what ways is your husband stronger than MM? Is he a better communicator?

 

Was MM more experienced in the bedroom? Did that matter to you or was it more the emotional aspect?

 

Was part of the affair the challenge of getting MM to open up?

 

Did you feel you were equal to him or did you feel like you needed to impress him?

 

Just curious..

[Appreciate]

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I met a MM under a similar setup, but I'm ahead of you time wise. There are so many things I learn and see in hind sight. Everyone is different but I can tell you what I know about MMs I met online. These MMs have surprisingly similar traits.

 

- They are very skilled at online and offline seduction, because they practice often. They say the right thing and have all the right moves. Women who have not been wooed by a man for a while are easy targets because these women are so gullible and so ready. Your MM sounds like a smooth operator, scoring with you first time he met you, and distancing himself cleanly after that.

- They are extremely calculative. They know how to minimize their efforts(time, emails, calls, affection) to maximize their satisfaction. You think you initiated the NC? Think again. It could very well be what he want from you.

- They go after several women at the same time. They say the same things, make the same moves, have the same connection with all these other women. Men are so different. They can hold several. Meeting men online is very risky exactly for this reason. You never know what they are doing on the other side of the terminal, and I suggest you not be naive and soul-maty about it. What he is doing with you, he is most likely doing with other women now.

- Even if these MM are miserable in their marriage and decided to D, they most probably won't choose a woman they met online and have casual sex with. These men are smart and selfish, they are scums that aim high.

- They are so much less of a man than our own husbands, but they are smooth operators.

 

Love may be blind, and to get out of it you need your eyes wide open. I wish you peace and clarity.

 

And this surprises you? Did you expect to find "real men" on this sites? Real men are providing for their families, helping their kids with homework, fixing things around the home and fulfilling their promise to love their women exclusively. Good men don't choose to cheat on their wives. Good women don't choose to cheat on their husbands. Online sites are conscious choices. PS - the OP met her OM through an online game, which is a share activity

Edited January 22, 2014 by Appreciate

[XenoMouse]

i was an OM in an A, however, my perspective might be different as im single and not married. From my point of view the chase of course is fun, when me and my MW were chatting all day and building emotion it was tense and interesting and all that stuff.

 

After the first time we hooked up i totally expected her to bug out,lose her mind, and confess her guilt and that we should never speak again. I was willing to accept this because i knew what we had done and how she might feel about it so if she did bug out on our next communique i would have accepted it and probably told her the same thing "its ok"as a consolation because she was reacting very strongly (and rightfully so).

 

In my case we continued to hook up and thats where the bond really solidified for me. As a single OM, despite the year of getting closer and closer, if nothing happened after that nite i probably would've just been like "eh, oh well so much for that." Also i hate to say this but the fact that you guys went all the way on your first meet up means he mightve got what he wanted and had been wondering about so all the built up tension is pretty much gone and the chase concluded. He referred to hooking up as a "bonus" which means he may have been guarding his emotions because he knew a reaction was coming and didnt want to gush over the depth of the experience or it was just simply a bonus..only you can really answer that. However, when you sent him that email it let him know that all his instincts about guarding himself or his mindset of not giving a f*** were correct and he might have got a sense of craziness too early on so he may have just thrown his hands up and moved on.

 

Whatever the case may be it is a GOOD thing that you ended it immediately so that a harder bond to break and relationship was created through multiple hook ups. The only thing i can really compare it to is using heroin, at first it might seem amazeballs but after you use and use and see what it does to you and your life you get a different perspective. What you are going thru now might suck but it is going to save you from some real live torture and pain. You were strong enough to recognize that it was a mistake that should never happen again at the outset. Tap into that and you'll be fine.

 

Im not a psychologist or as experienced as many of the people on this forum I too am struggling with my own situation im just giving you my OM point of view.

[artdet]

I married my MW. (Hers was an exit affair).

....

Some would call that karma I suppose but it was the shock of the century for me. I trusted her and loved her deeply.

 

Yes I agree with you that no good men or women ever cheat, but unfortunately we can all be elusive at times and be surprised by the obvious, sometimes even at our own self.

 

Consicous choice is a given in any affair. IMHO at any point in any form of an affair, all of us have a conscious choice to be or not to be, whether you meet online offline work school play, you can always consciously choose to not go further. That first chat, first phone call, first coffee, first kiss, whatever, you can stop it. It could be true that someone wasn't looking for an affair to begin with, but it's certainly also true that no one is held at gun point to fully execute an affair, regardless of how it started. And I said the above for the sake of discussion, with all due respect to OP.

[Appreciate]

Understood.

 

I think it is a question of boundaries.

 

Some people don't appear to recognize the signs of an emotional affair.

 

OP, did you seek marriage counseling before you met the OM online? I know you said you did before the start of the affair.. what do you consider the start of the affair? I am very curious.

 

OP, why not tell your husband about the affair? Doesn't he deserve to know so that he can decide whether to stay in the marriage or not?

[wasntlooking]

Appreciate

Ive been thinking lots over the last few days and i really dont want to get back into it. The more i think about how consumed i was with it all the more i dont want it. I always knew it was going to go no where. He said he loved where he was and didnt want to change it and the more i think about it, i dont want to leave my family for sure and lose all i have built here. So im making progress. I guess i cant wrap my head arond the fact i was used for sex, but i kind of used him too. It was fun while it happened but i never thought too much in the future, like right now. Its the fog, i know. To answer sme of your questions, my husband is not much better of a commnicator but is trying to be better. We entered conselng a month before i even met the OM. And like i said it was just a friendly chatting session for a couple weeks before it turned. It wss emotional affair to me at first. He was there for me when i wasnt getting any help at home. The OM and I always respected when we were both with our families, we did not talk. He and i talked only while he was at work on breaks or whatever, nevdr when our families were around so we both knew our fsmiloes were still important and we both respected that. Because deep down we both knew it was going to go no where. OM is much more experienced in bedroom, yes. Obviously the sexual attraction was through the roof. This is the first lull weve had in our 13 year marriage. I dont want fo give up yet. I have so much work to do. I know its over, nothing will ever change that, i guess part of me is holding on to hope and not knowing what he thought and is thinking is hard but i know i shouldnt care. I will never do this again, i wish i had thought more down the road and never met this guy. I would have been so much better off. My husband is trying to compete with a guy that i will have no future with and im trying to stop that way of thinkinv. I have a great guy right here who is tryng to make things better. I owe him a fair chance. I dont know if ill ever tell him. I know its selfish of me. One day when im stronger maybe. Sorry so long, i have been thinking a lot ladt night about this. Thanks for your help

[Appreciate]

Bravo, CL. I'm very happy to hear that you are giving your marriage another shot and I wish you well.

 

A few "harshies" I feel the need to point out.

 

1. The OM was also better in bed because he did not view you as his wife and mother of his children. You were partly a sex object and a conquest. It was new, fresh, exciting, taboo. You think he's that way with his wife? Probably not. And for you .. throw a new woman in your husband's face and his sex drive and creativity will go through the roof. Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

2. If you tell your husband years down the road, it will shock him as much as if it was just yesterday. I've seen numerous threads about this. The wife keeps her dirty little secret for years, even decades, and the husband finds out (or she confesses). The wife tries to say "but it was years ago and a huge mistake!" or downplay it in some other manner. It often leads to divorce because the BH feels like his whole marriage was a lie. So keep that risk in mind.

 

3. If you tell him now, he will ask why you confessed. In truth, you were partly dumped. I mean, if the OM had wanted you to leave your husband, you would have. So your husband, on top of feeling betrayed, will feel like the second choice. Which he was.

 

I know it feels painful and confusing, but in a way you are lucky. You still have a chance to save your intact family.

 

What you decide to do about confession is up to you, but consider his needs as well.

 

If you keep it a secret, just make sure he is your number one from now one. Give him 110% and try to make up to him everything that your robbed him of with your affair. Make him your man again and your feelings of OM will fade away. You'll see both men in a completely different light.

 

Good luck CL.

[Appreciate]

PS - Please try individual counseling if you are not in it already. Find someone who understands infidelity and will challenge you.

[Owl]

WL, I'm going to give you some advice from a different viewpoint. I've been exactly where your husband is at.

 

My wife and I used to game online a lot. She met and got involved in an EA with an OM she met online via the game. When I finally got proof, I confronted her, and she was all set to go live with OM...whom she'd never met in person.

 

People are right in telling you that you're not in love with him...you're in love with your vision of him...your fantasy of him.

 

You don't know him well enough to know what he's REALLY like...the difference between ingame/online and in person can be TREMENDOUS. Trust me, I'm not a blue owl in real life.

 

The only way you're going to "get over him" is by removing him from your life. Completely, totally, and forever.

 

Contacting him for ANY reason, whatsoever, will prevent that from happening. Continuing to game with him is the same as contact, btw.

 

And all of that will really just be a CONTINUANCE of your betrayal to your husband if you do so.

 

What all does your husband know? How honest/truthful have you been with him about the affair...both the online emotional aspects, and the in person physical aspects? Have you honestly, completely answered all of his questions?

 

What are you DOING to rebuild your marriage at this point? Marriage counseling? Quit the game? Deliberately spending more time with your husband, dating and such? Have you informed OM that its over, and there will never be contact between you again?

 

My wife and I are almost 10 years recovered at this point. Our marriage is great...but it took months/years of hard work on both of our parts to get here. How willing are you to invest in that effort with your H? How willing is he?

 

These are all things you need to be focused on. OM is the LAST thing you need to let your focus go to now.

 

Stop wondering what he's thinking. Stop hoping to hear from someone who's been on his side of things, so that you can get your 'fix' by proxy. Start focusing on "what the hell do I do now?" instead.

[wasntlooking]

I havent had any contact with OM whatsoever for four months since i broke it off. I dont game anymore and he doesnt either. We both quit after i broke it off. We dont even play it at all anymore. I broke if off cause it wasnt right obviously and didnt want to hurt my or his family anymore. The kids were a major reason why i stopped also. Didnt want to ruin their family. Trying to do right after sokething wrong. I plan on starting conselng again soon. I have good days and horrible days, its a vicious cycle. I need help still. I understand what everyone is saying about how i really didnt know him and in a way i didnt but my gut tells me that he truly is a genuine person whi felt the same as me......both did not want to leave our families and really didnt want anythinv to happen but the bond and attraction and curiousity was just too strong to bear and we made a mistake. I honestly never thought a feelinv like that exisited. Say what you wang, i knkw it was wrong, im trying to do right, helps to talk it out here. Im not ready to give up yet on my marriage......and hopd hes not......

[wasntlooking]

I think we are one of the few who truly went NC and stuck with it. I can see why people dont make it through NC. One of the hardest things ever to do in my life.

[wasntlooking]

No justification here but neither one of us talked bad about our spouses to each other. We were not in it to complain about our marriages. It started out just as friends for awhile. Which makes it harder i think because if he complained and was nasty to his wife it would have turned me off but he was always decent and never spoke bad and i knew he wasnt going to leave......curiousity got the best of us for sure

[harrybrown]

Sometime with your H, try to talk to him about spicing things up, and you can do this by initiating with him.

 

Tell him what you want and see if things do not improve.

[wasntlooking]

Harrybrown

My husband and my sex life has always been fine. He has high sex drive still and mine fairly well. We work opposite shifts so it doesnt happen as often because of that but he has no issue with his drive. I sometimes have issues connectng mentally with him during sex. And you knkw us women have to connect with our heads too

[wasntlooking]

Hes aware of that issue too

[kalimata]

What you are feeling is not really love. It is the surge of dopamine through your brain in your reward center. Once you stop contacting him the sense of withdrawal and intense emotion comes back. This is not real love. This is pure emotion from the neurotransmitters in your brain.

 

Stop contacting OM. Focus on your marriage. If your marriage doesn't work out, then end it and go seek the OM later once you D.

[Realist3]

WL, I'm going to echo much of what has already been said here, you are not in love with him. You are in love with how you imagine him to be,and how he presented himself to you. He may be the greatest guy in the world and all you imagine him to be may in fact be the real him, but you have no way of knowing that. How many arguments did you have? What types of adversity did you face together? Probably none. How many hours/days/weeks did you spend with him in real life situations? Everyone places their affair partner on a pedestal especially in the beginning. It took my about a year and a half to take my MW off of hers, and that was after seeing her nearly every day, and hundreds of dates, and thousands of hours talking. It wasn't until then that I was out of the fog and really realized that I did love her. If you had asked me if I loved her before then I would have sworn up and down, yes I love her, she is my soulmate, and on and on, but in reality I was in love with the fantasy I made of her in my mind.

 

What you had was a brief fling, nothing more. You have said several times that 'it was going nowhere' because you both wanted to stay with your respective families. That alone tells me you were never cut out to have an affair with another married person in the first place. The vast majority of affairs between married people aren't meant to go anywhere; they are meant to be supplement to your existing partnership. It requires compartmentalization and a lot of mental energy, and a lot of work making sure you don't get caught. If you are feeling this way now after this short period of time, just imagine what you would be feeling a year, two, or three into it. All for what? Something that isn't going anywhere. I don't think that type of situation is your cup of tea.

 

On to your desire to contact him to understand what he is feeling... Don't! There are really only two possibilites. The first one is that he realized it for what it was, and the most likely, a fling, and said what he needed to say to get you into bed. Wow, that sure feels good. The second is that he has been pining for you just like you have him. Where does that get you? If that is the case you will really be screwed in the head and the fantasies will become even stronger. Then what will you do? In my opinion, the fact that he hasn't tried to contact you should tell you all you need to know. It is much more difficult for married men to find an affair partner than women, and since he has already crossed that bridge with you, if he was in deep he would have already contacted you.

 

About telling your husband... Don't unless you want to blow up your marriage and your family. Again, over what; a couple of romps in the hay with someone you barely knew? How that would be worth is beyond my level of comprehension.

[Scott Thomas]

So she should continue deceiving her husband? Keep pretending and continue the 'sham of a marriage'. Gosh-that's a good way to love your spouse! A few romps in hay? You'd think differently if you were in her husband's shoes.

[Realist3]

So she should continue deceiving her husband? Keep pretending and continue the 'sham of a marriage'. Gosh-that's a good way to love your spouse! A few romps in hay? You'd think differently if you were in her husband's shoes.

 

That depends on what outcome she wants for her future. While her brief fling obviously had a great impact on her it doesn't seem very smart to break up her family over something that is over and done even though she still pines for her OM. Perspective.