Three Years On - Can't Forget

[LostInM]

Hello. I've been lurking here on the forums for almost two years. I've finally decided to join and participate.

 

I need help. My wife had what she described as an emotional affair three years ago. It lasted six weeks. I began to get suspicious seeing posts from a certain guy she worked with on her Facebook page and she was texting constantly. One Saturday afternoon I discovered hundreds of texts between the two and confronted her.

 

She immediately confessed but swore she never saw him or had any physical contact with him. He was fired from his job nine months before and he had contacted her again out of the blue (I confirmed this by checking phone and cell records, no contact before she says there was).

 

She said it began because she thought he was her friend (we had been having problems including almost loosing our house). She said after a few weeks he began to steer the conversations around sex and what she liked and what he liked and she would confide in him about our problems, She claims he even made suggestions to her about how to help solve some of our issues and made suggestions to what she could do to spice things up.

 

At some point about a month into the relationship he began to pressure her and finally said if she didn't have sex with him he would call me and tell me she didn't love me anymore and tell me about the affair. She says she panicked and agreed to give him a blowjob but she swears she didn't and never saw him at all the entire time they were talking. She swears the last time she saw him was when they worked together but there was no relationship at all other then talking at work or having a cigarette on her break.

 

There was no missing time or nights out with the girls during this period so I believed that there was no chance of contact......I believe differantly now but I will get to that.

 

The night before I found out about the affair she went out with her girlfriends and came home very intoxicated. I assumed she met him and he got his blowjob, probably more. She swore no, she didn't see him and she was was planning on telling me about the affair and went out with three of her girlfriends to figure out what to do.

 

At the time I had no reason to believe she wasn't being truthful about the affair. We entered into couples therapy. During this time I saw an email to her ex about a situation at work telling him "I'm not sorry for what I did but I shouldn't let it go that far." This was a differant time frame then the oringinal affair and I lost it. It appeared she had been cheating on me for almost two years with at least two differant guys. She swore to the doctor and myself during a session that this was a differant guy at work and it was only flirting at work. She never saw him and never spoke to him outside of work.

 

We stayed in therapy for 18 months. I realized a lot of what I was doing was making my wife believe I had pulled away from her. She had always placed the kids first and when they were young I resented it a little but understood the kids come first. Over the years I just turned to work and thought we were happy and this was just my role for now. We solved a lot of problems in therapy, mostly communication issues and I began to feel better about our relationship.

 

She quit her job because it was causing me huge amounts of stress. I kept asking her about other guys at work and who was flirting with her. I was a mess.

 

She became completely transparant. She texted when she was leaving the house to go shopping, texted when she got there, texted when she got home. I knew all her passwords, she left her phone out in the open and would always say who was texting her when her phone went off and would show me. She would print out the home phone and cell phone bills every month to reassure me.

 

She did everything to make me feel special, and important and loved, like I was the most important person in her life. She would not say no to sex as she had done before. There were times I knew she didn't really want to but she did, most times I stopped it and said it was ok that we can do it tomorrow and she would always intiate sex the next day and apologize for not being in the mood the afternoon or night before.

 

In March of last year we were closing our bank account and switching to a new one. My insecurity got the best of me and while she was at work I went back to the time period of the affair and the "flirting" incident.

 

I found a short stay charge on our credit card for a motel near our house in the middle of the afternoon. She said she went to met the first guy she said she had only flirted with but after renting the room she freaked out and left. She swears she never saw him and she swears she panicked and left. She has said repeatidly she will take a lie detector test about of the affairs.

 

When I found out about the first affair I never thought there was missing time for her to have a physical affair but now after seeing a short stay in the middle of the afternoon I realize she could have been ****ing either of these guys everyday of the week while telling me she was out shopping.

 

It has been 10 months now since I found the charge and after going through credit card statements and phone records and bank statements for years before the affair there is no record of anything else being on paper.

 

The motel charge was when we were having huge money issues and they began forclosure procedures on or house. We saved the house and i thought our marriage at counseling. The anger in me took weeks to subside. After briefly going to counseling again I agreed to try and move past it. Like I said before for the last three years she has been completely transparent. She goes out of her way to do things for me constantly (annoyingly sometimes).

 

My problem is having found out about the motel in the middle of the day I can't stop my brain from thinking about every little thing from three years ago that could be something or could be nothing. How do I stop?

 

I realize my wife ****ed both of these guys. I don't care if she swears she didn't and keeps asking about a lie detector test to ease my mind. She ****ed them. I don't know what the guy looks like but all I see in my mind is her ****ing him, doing things for him that she wouldn't for me.

 

I can't get over the insecurity. I feel less of a man and no matter what happens or how good things are I can't stop thinking about it and wondering. She does everything and everything I ask in bed, even things she never did before and all I can think as this beautiful woman is making sure my every need is being taken care of is, did she do this with him? Is she only doing it for me because she feels guilty?

 

We have two kids, one teen and one almost teen. We have been together 21 years and married for 19. Before this I never had a doubt in my mind about my wife. Now all I have is doubts.

 

I can't stop thinking of what I don't know, are there others? Is this going to happen again? A lot of things from her past came up with the doctor and I realized she started seeing me before she broke up with her ex. I was also seeing someone but broke it off when my wife and I started dating. A pattern. Was she looking to replace me? What stopped her? How can I know it won't happen again?

 

She has become the perfect loving, caring wife.....I joke sometimes about us being teleported back to the 50's because she is so over the top.

 

She is doing everything! Why can't I stop feeling insecure? I'm constantly waiting now for texts to appear on the bill or a charge to show up on the credit card. I can't relax. She is doing nothing to suspicious at all but all I am is suspicious now.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking of my wife ****ing this guy in a ****ty motel and I don't even know what he looks like! I can't stop thinking of her doing all things she does for me with someone else. We had no money at all at the time and she paid for the room. We didn't have sex in the middle of the afternoon for years because she said she felt uncomfortable. She rented the room in the middle of the afternoon.

 

She told me everything that (supposedly) happened with this guy. He came up behind her at work and rubbed his dick on her ass, whispering in his ear how good it would feel when he ****ed her with his big cock.

 

Now I can't stop wondering everytime I come up behind her, is she thinking of him. I can't stop thinking every time I talk dirty to her, did he say the same things I do, am I making her think of him. I can't stop thinking how much bigger he is then me.

 

She answers questions when I ask but somethings she claims not to remember like exactly what he said or how big he was or exactly what attracted her about him. I can't shut my brain off.

 

I am going to destroy this marriage with my insecurities. She says it's fine and she deserves it, she says her fault I feel like this. I know it's not attractive and I know it wears on her. She swears it will never happen again and that she has never had sex with anyone since we've been married. I can't stop thinking it's going to happen again and that she has had sex with other guys.

 

I did get an STD test after finding out about the initial affair, I didn't believe her at first so I freaked out.

 

Help.

[Zenstudent]

LostInM; I'm sorry about your pain, it's easy to see that you don't feel good about all this at all. And I understand that.

 

I think it's understandable that you doubt your wife, she trickled the truth. I also believe that there's a good chance that something physical might have happened somewhere down the line. But maybe you'll never know. I'm sure what would be the best route for you regarding this issue. Some would say, take her up on her offer to do a polygraph, others would probably say, let it go, if your happy with what you got today (you say she does everything you could ever wish for).

 

But there is one thing I'm absolutely sure about, and that's what you need to do for your self. You didn't mention if you had any individual counselling? If not, get some!

 

You sound very codependent, as if you believe you're not able to have a life without your wife. Get rid of that belief, it will destroy your marriage, and possibly you too. Everybody in this world are perfect creatures, just as they are, don't doubt yourself.

 

Get busy doing things to improve yourself and grow, physically if needed, and definitely mentally. Believe in yourself and your worth. That way you would be able to think and focus a lot more on yourself (and your wife) than other unknown dudes at work.

 

Start doing this now. Later you'll be able to decide if you can live with your wife like she is today with whatever history she may have, or if you doubt her so much, that you need to leave. She may even confess to more if you prepare to divorce her because of doubts about her affairs.

 

I don't know if this is any help to you, but what I read is, that you really, really need to do something about your insecurities and self doubt.

 

Take care.

[road]

WW lie.

 

 

They will only admit to what you can prove.

 

 

They never had sex because they never met. Then you find a hotel receipt. Then the story change to she went there but they did not go all the way.

 

 

Polygraph time.

[Lokahi117]

I'm gonna agree that you need to take her up on the offer for polygraph. But get a list of questions and go over them in detail and write down her responses in front of her. tell her you can deal with anything but you need honesty and it wool destroy everything if she is lying. now is the time to come completely clean. then go over the questions on the day of, in the parking lot.......and prepare for the truth to come rolling out.

But you need to actually do this......why haven't you started already?

[harrybrown]

Did she ever write you a timeline and a diary of the affairs?

 

She should show you a picture of the OM. She should be open and honest, not just now, but about the times of the affairs.

 

When you get the trickle truth, you start over and over. You also do not believe a word that your spouse says.

 

You also need to work on realizing that you would be fine without her. Get some exercise and start working on your self-esteem.

 

Time has not helped because you found out more information.

 

Has she been tested for stds? How would she feel if you had an affair?

[bubbaganoosh]

The thing that bothers me is when she said two things. First being blackmailed into giving a bj. That sounds like something out of a cheap dime store novel.

 

I don't think this guy would ever walk up to a husband and say, hey, I'm screwing your wife and she doesn't love you anymore. That's a good way of getting either a first class ass whipping or killed by an unstable husband.

 

The second is renting a room at the Lusty Smut pay by the hour motel and then chickening out. If you rent the room, you pretty much made up your mind that your going to get your moneys worth.

 

That's just my opinion and if this is bothering you that much, then you have the choice to either spend the rest of your life with her and get no sleep or divorce.

 

Your going to have to make your mind up if this is what you want. If you can't trust her, then you have no marriage.

[compulsivedancer]

It does sound like she lied and is still lying about what happened then. It is extremely scary as the WS to admit to what you've done, especially if it's the difference between something like "it was just an EA" and "yes, we had sex." Therefore, they try to minimize and trickle truth. But that just makes it harder for the BS.

 

The question is: can you live with this? At this point, she will probably never tell you. You can try the lie detector parking lot confession, but at this point she is so committed to her version of the truth that she may not confess. And lie detector tests are only really accurate if she passes.

 

So, can you live with it? Knowing that she did what she did and is still lying to you about it. She seems to have reformed, but it's hard to really know, since she never really came clean in the first place. It's hard to build new trust when the WS hasn't proven she can tell the truth.

 

One of the other posters asked what your connection is like. I think this is an important question. Is it worth keeping? Not for others, but for you?

 

It's a tough spot to be in. If you truly feel she's changed and you have a good marriage with a good connection, it's time to ease off. Give it some breathing room and accept that you'll never really know. It's time to let go.

 

If, however, you feel that you can't ever trust her again, and you'll be checking those phone records every month forever, it might be time to think about calling it quits. You might even explain why and see what happens. Do the 180 and see if anything changes.

 

Tough spot to be in. Best wishes.

[ZMM]

You can do a polygraph, you can extract it through torture.

 

What about truth serum?

[tired girl]

Do you feel that a lie detector test would help you? If she passed, and you had the answers you needed, or she admits to something right before the test, what then? Do you feel it is the not knowing that is holding up your healing and moving forward?

[Fluttershy]

Do you feel that a lie detector test would help you? If she passed, and you had the answers you needed, or she admits to something right before the test, what then? Do you feel it is the not knowing that is holding up your healing and moving forward?

 

The OP pretty much said that even with er passing a polygraph he believes they did it. The whole her doing things she wouldn't with him and imaging it is him, two years later, torturing himself wih stuff he basicaly doesn't know.

 

She had sex at the hotel... Very possible. If she is following thr cheaters handbook you don't confess to things that can be proven. She chickened out? Also very possible. I've read enough from the other side that crossing to sex is when it gets more real for many. She very easily could have freaked out "what the hell am I doing!". If she didn't have sex I can see why it was left out. She knew after her lies you'd never beliee she chickened out unforinatly for her she disn't have support on how to do act as a wayward wife and by hiding it just added to the lies. If she is bluffing about the polygraph call her on it... Now! Set one up. As someone mentioned parking lot confessions are often where the maguc happens.

 

A quick note on polygraphs. You seem to think she beat it. The inaccuries of polygraphs are actually not in the person taking it favour. It is far more likely to have an answer saying you are lying when you are telling the truth than for someone to be able to beat a skilled tester. So, if you are willing to believe your wide couldn't beat it and she may not have had sex what do you have to lose? Try it and see. But if you are scared of finding out you are wrong when you are so determined yoir right...

 

Can you live in the now and future with your wife having had sex woth these men?

[Buckeye2]

You have to think about the relationship you have now with your wife and decide if it’s worth the heartache.

 

A friend of mine and I both have LD wives. We joke that we have to collect “NOs.” That means that in order to have sex, we have to be told “no” a certain number of times before our wife will finally break down and give us duty sex. Our wives are otherwise pretty good.

 

If either of us were offered a deal where our wife would f**k another guy then act like your wife from then on, we would have to consider it long and hard.

 

Your deal isn't all bad.

 

She did everything to make me feel special, and important and loved, like I was the most important person in her life. She would not say no to sex as she had done before. There were times I knew she didn't really want to but she did, most times I stopped it and said it was ok that we can do it tomorrow and she would always intiate sex the next day and apologize for not being in the mood the afternoon or night before. She has become the perfect loving, caring wife.....I joke sometimes about us being teleported back to the 50's because she is so over the top. She does everything and everything I ask in bed, even things she never did before and all I can think as this beautiful woman is making sure my every need is being taken care of.

 

My buddy and I would give our left nut for that.

 

It might help if you thought of the OM as old boyfriends from years ago. Husbands don’t know what their wife’s old boyfriends looked like but know that they had sex. You have her now and they don’t.

Edited January 20, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I realize my wife ****ed both of these guys. I don't care if she swears she didn't and keeps asking about a lie detector test to ease my mind. She ****ed them. I don't know what the guy looks like but all I see in my mind is her ****ing him, doing things for him that she wouldn't for me.

 

She does everything and everything I ask in bed, even things she never did before and all I can think as this beautiful woman is making sure my every need is being taken care of is, did she do this with him? Is she only doing it for me because she feels guilty?

 

Why can't I stop feeling insecure?

 

We had no money at all at the time and she paid for the room. We didn't have sex in the middle of the afternoon for years because she said she felt uncomfortable. She rented the room in the middle of the afternoon.

 

I can't stop thinking every time I talk dirty to her, did he say the same things I do, am I making her think of him.

 

She answers questions when I ask but some things she claims not to remember like exactly what he said or how big he was or exactly what attracted her about him.

 

Help.

 

She is totally committed to you now, but she is not telling you the truth about the past.

 

She still does think about the other guys, less as time goes on, and things you do and say do still remind her of them, again, less as time passes.

 

You only look weak by bringing it up. So stop bringing it up. Your continuing to bring it up solves nothing. Exercise some self control.

 

For whatever reason, she does not want to admit to the truth. The things you are worried about, the things she did with them - how big they were, why she did it with them in the afternoon - are a bit juvenile. Those things are not important to her and probably never were. You are important to her. She has her own problems but she has made you number one for the past three years and it looks like for the foreseeable future.

 

She did not want to do anything with them that she did not want to do with you and she did not want to do it at times she didn't want to do it with you. She did things for them because she needed to in order to keep them, and she didn't need to do those things for you to keep you, not because she liked doing those things with them and not you. She didn't like it for either of you. She met with them at the hotel in the afternoon because she needed to in order to see them, not because she like doing it in the afternoon. She didn't need to do it with you in the afternoon.

 

WHY? Did she like the attention? In these types of situations, flirting at work, so-called "emotional" affairs, typically the women are in it for the attention, they enjoy feeling desired sexually by a new man, and hearing about it a lot, and they also do then develop sexual desires for the other guys, too. Surely there is some level of sexual desire even before the flirting begins, but not enough for her to act on until the other guy starts up with the dirty talk and texts. It snowballs from there, on both ends. It was important to her at the time, renting the room in the middle afternoon and paying for it even though you were hurting for money. You seem important to her now. She's not faking it with you now.

 

Yes, she had emotional, sexual conversations with a few other guys and she had sex with at least one of them. I could tell you so many other stories from so many other guys and this almost always ends up being the situation, many similar to yours. One guy, even though his wife denied it being physical, just always referred to it as a physical affair in front of her whenever it came up, which wasn't often. After a few years, after it had not come up for quite some time, she actually forgot she had never admitted the truth to him and let it slip. He 99% knew it already, but finally it felt good for him that all doubt was removed. Even though he felt better about having the truth, he felt worse about his wife being a liar. It caused a lot of problems in the marriage, which had been doing much better up until that point. Even though he had told himself it was true, and by the facts he knew it just about HAD to be true, when it finally was confirmed to be true for sure, it was a big setback in trust. That is just one case of many similar I know of.

 

The reasons they don't admit the truth are shame, not wanting others (family, friends) to know (even though you may not tell anyone, anyway, they are afraid you will if something ever goes wrong in the relationship in the future), and fear that you will treat them differently (for example, they feel everything is going well and don't want to ruin it with additional bad news) or even fear that you might leave them if you knew.

 

Based on the facts that you know, based on your knowledge of your wife, and based on her actions, what do you believe is the truth of what she did and how she feels now?

[compulsivedancer]

I don't think she's taken it yet, just offered.

 

I always worry that a polygraph will make someone appear MORE guilty because she's nervous and it's inconclusive. There was a poster a while back that had that happen. After that, her boyfriend wouldn't believe a word she said.

 

But the parking lot confessions, on the other hand...

 

I thought the hotel story was mildly plausible. The blow job story sounded ridiculous. Threatening to show her H racy texts if she didn't give him a blow job? That just doesn't add up. I think she was minimizing.

 

This is actually why a lot of BSs talk to the OMs. Sometimes they can get the truth out of the OM but not out of the WS. It just depends.

Edited January 20, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[peruano99]

Do what you have to do man. Do what you feel will make you feel better in the long run.

 

 

Also if you feel like you have to get the lie detector test, get it before you make your choice.

Edited January 20, 2014 by peruano99

[LostInM]

Thank you everyone. I will post tommorrow and reply to a lot of these. I'm having a semi bad night and I dont want to cloud my responses with an un-clear head.

 

One thing I will say is I don't want the lie detector test. She does. I don't want to know any more details then I already know. I don't care at this point. In my mind she ****ed a guy and blew another.

 

We talk about this sometimes (she brings it up) and it bothers her that I think she did. She has sobbed hysterically at times apologizing and swearing what she did was horrible but she never had sex with anyone other then me since we've been married. I don't want a lie detector test. I can't stand knowing anything else. Knowing doesn't help. She cheated.

[road]

You have to think about the relationship you have now with your wife and decide if it’s worth the heartache.

 

A friend of mine and I both have LD wives. We joke that we have to collect “NOs.” That means that in order to have sex, we have to be told “no” a certain number of times before our wife will finally break down and give us duty sex. Our wives are otherwise pretty good.

 

If either of us were offered a deal where our wife would f**k another guy then act like your wife from then on, we would have to consider it long and hard. My buddy and I would give our left nut for that.

 

 

 

 

What if your WW's did the OM for a year every way possible, ways that you can never do, some of those ways she will never do for you, even though she did them for the OM many times, with equipment and stamina that you will never match, would you still take that deal?

[Buckeye2]

What if your WW's did the OM for a year every way possible, ways that you can never do, some of those ways she will never do for you, even though she did them for the OM many times, with equipment and stamina that you will never match, would you still take that deal?

 

I said that we would have to “consider it long and hard.” No pun intended.

 

The answer to your question would be no. However, I don’t think that’s what the OP thinks went on. It was one BJ and one f**k. Also, the OP can now do anything he wants with his wife: "She does everything and everything I ask in bed, even things she never did before."

 

There was a movie called “Indecent Proposal” in 1993 where a rich guy offered a man one million dollars to spend the night with his wife.

 

I do know that I would rather have my wife acting the way the OP’s wife is acting now than have one million dollars.

Edited January 21, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

One thing I will say is I don't want the lie detector test. She does. I don't want to know any more details then I already know.

 

With a polygraph, the subject is asked a prepared list of questions and their responses are noted. Just tell the examiner not to ask questions you don’t want the answer to.

[LostInM]

With a polygraph, the subject is asked a prepared list of questions and their responses are noted. Just tell the examiner not to ask questions you don’t want the answer to.

 

I don't want to know anything else. She cheated. She was with two guys. I don't need to know more. At this point I don't think it matters if she ****ed him once or a hundred times. I might be wrong though. That's why I'm here.

Edited January 21, 2014 by LostInM

[tired girl]

What if the lie detector test shows that she didn't have sex with someone? You seem to have a need to convince yourself that she did.

[Buckeye2]

I don't want to know anything else. She cheated. She was with two guys. I don't need to know more. At this point I don't think it matters if she ****ed him once or a hundred times. I might be wrong though. That's why I'm here.

 

Your wife might be telling the truth. Do you want to keep torturing both of you if she is? Give her a chance, just have the operator ask if she gave the guy a BJ or gave the other guy a f**k. Ask nothing else. Don't ask the number of times. Simple.

 

You’re like the guy who’s so afraid of heights that he jumps off the cliff just to get it over with.

[Fluttershy]

There is a novel "he knew he was right" by david tennant. BBc has a drama of it used to be on netflix. Anyways, the premise is this guy is determined he is right, his wife cheated, and nothing will persuade him he is wrong. In the end he dies as a crazy man because he was driven nuts by his stubborness to be right. Your wife did cheat but denies intercourse. You seem so determined it did happen that even polygraph won't change your mind... So you see it as pointless despite the fact that we have told you about parking lot confessions.

 

So are you afraid to be wrong? Or do you really not beliee she had sex deep down and don't want to have your fear confirmed? Because you are not being rational. Your not fresh in DDay it is time to take action and responsibility here.

 

Just do the damn polygraph. Nobody here knows if your wife had sex in that hotel.

[LostInM]

What if the lie detector test shows that she didn't have sex with someone? You seem to have a need to convince yourself that she did.

 

I guess I do but I believe there is no way all of that happened and she didn't screw him. She's a grown women, not a scared teen. If she drove there, got out of the car, walked inside, rented a room, paid and walked out with a key then there is no way she left. Why would she leave? This other guy has obviously turned her on enough to get her to drive there and to pay for the room, she goes through the whole process and doesn't even go in the room? She turns around gives the key back and leaves? I'm sorry. Who here would believe that?

 

I believe it's damage control on her part to try and spare me some of my dignity. She trickle truthed until we were in therapy and realized I wasn't leaving. Then she basically answered everything I asked. She said she never told me about the room in therapy because she didn't have sex.

 

She admitted to some physical contact and him saying things to her I don't want to repeat again but always claimed it was flirting on her part, no sex.

 

I know that's not true. I know she slept with him that afternoon and probably many other afternoons. I don't want to know anymore then I already do. If I get a lie detector and it shows she screwed him I don't want to start obsessing all over again about everything they did.

 

I just want to feel secure again and not feel like I'm second to some younger guy. I want to believe I can be everything my wife needs. Both guys were much younger. Why cheat with younger guys? Only one reason I can think of, sex. I'm 45. I remember our sex life 15 years ago. I can't compete with some guy who is that young.

Edited January 21, 2014 by LostInM

[Fluttershy]

You are being irrational. You already are obsessing over it.

 

You don't KNOW she screwed him. You can't KNOW that as you weren't there. You only KNOW she SAYS she didn't. And you only have your own idea of what happened and how it would have happened based on your own perception, personality and what not. Call her bluff if she is bluffig and do the polygraph.

 

And it is extrememly possible she could not take thefantasy to a reality and did chicken out. Happens more than you know. Flirting and dirty talk is just that... Talk and often easy to justify away. But to actually have intercourse? To make it "really happening" for some that is a big line to cross. A lot of people even use booze to help cross it but doesn't aound like she could.

 

Take the polygraph before you lose your mind.

[Owl]

Here are my thoughts.

 

Do you want to remain married to her, or do you want to divorce her.

 

You have enough information right now to make that choice. You know enough right now to decide whether or not she's rebuilt enough trust with you, or whether she can rebuild enough trust with you, for you to choose whether or not you want to remain married to her. Is the "enough" to outweigh the 'bad'?

 

Are you going to be able to continue on with the marriage with the way things are right now?

 

She's not going to tell you the truth...and your ability to get it from her is going to be very limited. Given what you have learned...is what you believed happened 'forgiveable' for you? Something that you feel your marriage can recover from, or not?

 

I don't care either way...but frankly, that's the way you need to look at this. It's not a "you need to change"...it's not a "she needs to..." either.

 

You need to take stock of the situation, make a decision, and move forward...in whatever direction you choose.