2yrs of life invested for nothing. Where to go from here?

[drmrconfused]

After several days of silence she saw me passing today on corridor. I was with some friends so I just nodded with head and passed. Few minutes later she breaks NC and comes to my office. Her first words were that we should not avoid each other and we should be able to at least talk when we see each other. To this I replied that I did say hello and that I don't think we can be friends after everything we've been through.

 

She then continued talking about things that went wrong, how she spent last night awake and how she is calm but then also misses me. She talked various other stuff about relationship. To all of this I just said that I need to move on and that it is over for me. I added in calm tone that I waited two and half years and nothing changed and I don't believe after all of our failed attempts that anything would change in another one.

 

After some half an hour she stood up and said that she loves me but thinks I am right wants me to find my peace and happiness. I just replied that I wish her same. This kind of shocked her. She continued standing there while minute ago she was walking out of my door. She repeated how much she loves me and that she will always love me but I said that it is time to put heart on side and start making decisions with brain.

 

In the end, she wanted to kiss me but I said that would not be appropriate. She then gave me long long hug to which I did not react although I could feel that she wants me to put my arms around her. She went out of my office in tears. Few minutes later phone call comes asking something totally unrelated even though she stated that she will stay out of my way.

 

I am puzzled now what was the purpose of this? To actually say goodbye or yet another fishing attempt?

[Hope Shimmers]

She wanted to see if you were still thinking about her and pining away for her.

 

When she found out that you weren't, she also lost 'control' and that upset her.

 

You can be sure that you will hear from her very frequently from here on out until she gets her 'fix' that you are still under her spell and control. (And if you do that, then she will instantly go back to ignoring you and the same abusive treatment as before).

 

You have exhibited class and respect for yourself with her in this interaction... I hope you don't change it. There is no future with this person and you are handling things correctly.

[Survivor12]

After several days of silence she saw me passing today on corridor. I was with some friends so I just nodded with head and passed. Few minutes later she breaks NC and comes to my office. Her first words were that we should not avoid each other and we should be able to at least talk when we see each other. To this I replied that I did say hello and that I don't think we can be friends after everything we've been through.

 

She then continued talking about things that went wrong, how she spent last night awake and how she is calm but then also misses me. She talked various other stuff about relationship. To all of this I just said that I need to move on and that it is over for me. I added in calm tone that I waited two and half years and nothing changed and I don't believe after all of our failed attempts that anything would change in another one.

 

After some half an hour she stood up and said that she loves me but thinks I am right wants me to find my peace and happiness. I just replied that I wish her same. This kind of shocked her. She continued standing there while minute ago she was walking out of my door. She repeated how much she loves me and that she will always love me but I said that it is time to put heart on side and start making decisions with brain.

 

In the end, she wanted to kiss me but I said that would not be appropriate. She then gave me long long hug to which I did not react although I could feel that she wants me to put my arms around her. She went out of my office in tears. Few minutes later phone call comes asking something totally unrelated even though she stated that she will stay out of my way.

 

I am puzzled now what was the purpose of this? To actually say goodbye or yet another fishing attempt?

 

Just because you aren't reciprocating her hugs, kisses and talk about love doesn't mean that you aren't still playing the game. Walking out of the room AFTER listening to her for half an hour proves that you are still willing.

 

If you were really "done", you wouldn't be so concerned with convincing HER. If you were done, you would have left the room before she even began speaking--as a matter of fact, you would have told her to leave instead of justifying yourself to her.

 

Look, the woman is toxic for you. What she thinks & what she does or why she does it, shouldn't matter.

 

All you have done is changed your game plan pretending to be stubborn and aloof. She can see right through you and is enjoying the challenge because she knows that eventually she will wear you down.

 

If you're done, there is no reason whatsoever to engage in ANY kind of conversation or interaction with her beyond what is required to maintain cordial for professional reasons.

 

You may want to believe that you've moved on, but you haven't. To do that you need to completely disengage from her. That means no more talk about your feelings or reasons/excuses or explanation of your actions. If you're done, prove it to yourself, not to her.

 

Telling her to leave you alone then allowing her to try to convince you to stay is pointless. The truth is that you are hoping (perhaps subconsiously) that your passive-aggressive act will make her so afraid of losing you that she'll change and commit. Even if it works--then what? I can tell you--you will cave, drop the act and soon learn that NOTHING will have changed.

 

Shut.the.door.

[drmrconfused]

Just because you aren't reciprocating her hugs, kisses and talk about love doesn't mean that you aren't still playing the game. Walking out of the room AFTER listening to her for half an hour proves that you are still willing.

 

If you were really "done", you wouldn't be so concerned with convincing HER. If you were done, you would have left the room before she even began speaking--as a matter of fact, you would have told her to leave instead of justifying yourself to her.

 

Look, the woman is toxic for you. What she thinks & what she does or why she does it, shouldn't matter.

 

All you have done is changed your game plan pretending to be stubborn and aloof. She can see right through you and is enjoying the challenge because she knows that eventually she will wear you down.

 

If you're done, there is no reason whatsoever to engage in ANY kind of conversation or interaction with her beyond what is required to maintain cordial for professional reasons.

 

You may want to believe that you've moved on, but you haven't. To do that you need to completely disengage from her. That means no more talk about your feelings or reasons/excuses or explanation of your actions. If you're done, prove it to yourself, not to her.

 

Telling her to leave you alone then allowing her to try to convince you to stay is pointless. The truth is that you are hoping (perhaps subconsiously) that your passive-aggressive act will make her so afraid of losing you that she'll change and commit. Even if it works--then what? I can tell you--you will cave, drop the act and soon learn that NOTHING will have changed.

 

Shut.the.door.

 

I see your point but entire scene took place in my office so there was really no point for me to leave. I was silent during much of this time trying to let her know that I am not interested in further talk about our A. It is not my intention to claim I have no more feelings or that I have completely moved on. It will take time to get there but now I know where I am going and that there is no point in going back anymore.

 

Btw, you guys were right once again. This afternoon she texted me asking if I can send her something in e-mail. Actually, it is saved log of conversation we had right after our latest reconciliation two months ago. In this conversation she promised to change and various other things which is the reason why I saved it. I did not reply to this message, of course.

[drmrconfused]

Aaaaarghhh. I thought I was doing fine and then today I saw her passing in car with her H. She turned her head trying to hide from me. Guess now it is obvious that the whole thing about divorce was lie. He is home for three days and they already are going out together. I am so angry I could bite. Only thing going through my mind now is wish for her to feel at least a bit of pain I experienced over past two years.

[Wambo]

Aaaaarghhh. I thought I was doing fine and then today I saw her passing in car with her H. She turned her head trying to hide from me. Guess now it is obvious that the whole thing about divorce was lie. He is home for three days and they already are going out together. I am so angry I could bite. Only thing going through my mind now is wish for her to feel at least a bit of pain I experienced over past two years.

 

Please don't look at this in a bad way. I know it sucks because I been through this and I couldn't eat for the whole day after learning the truth. However what just happened was a transition of power from her to you. You are now in control of the situation because you successfully exposed her lies and she is no longer in the position to play you. You are the one with the power now.

[drmrconfused]

Please don't look at this in a bad way. I know it sucks because I been through this and I couldn't eat for the whole day after learning the truth. However what just happened was a transition of power from her to you. You are now in control of the situation because you successfully exposed her lies and she is no longer in the position to play you. You are the one with the power now.

 

I know you are right. Just I did not expect it so soon. She texted me later last night saying that I am not fair, that they have only one car and she is dependant on him if she wants to go anywhere. I said again that I had enough and that I see through her games clearly now. After few hours she bursted into rage saying that we are over and never to contact her again. Then, this morning text comes asking whether I have few minutes of time. She wrote in very formal tone so I suspect she will come today to make eye to eye scene and tell me that it is over.

[drmrconfused]

I am struggling to understand how could I have been so blind and not see her selfishness for the past two years. Over past weeks my health deterriorated and I ended few more times in hospital. Doctors say that I have high blood pressure and some heart problems which may have been caused with long term exposure to stress.

 

Many of my friends called me and offered help but not her. Last night, however, she did contact me and asked about my health. She then continued asking "Can't you just control yourself and try not to get upset?". I managed to stay calm and said that I am controlling myself by removing all the things that bothered me from my life. I also added that I don't think anyone would want to hurt himself and stay in something that is causing him pain. She then asked again "Why don't you just control yourself and things could be ok?".

 

I just said that now I understand she will never realise some things and that I have to move on. I also asked not to contact me anymore as there is no point to talk like this anymore. She said "ok" but later that evening texted me "I really don't see why are you making such big deal out of this and turning things the way you are".

 

Having ended in hospital 5 times in two months and having serious health problems for the first time in my life I almost wanted to laugh when I realised what is she talking about. This is the woman to whom I gave last 2.5 years of my life and wanted to build family with and yet in only period when I really needed her she calls me to accuse me that I am exaggerating. How could I have not seen this coming?

[jellybean89]

Why do you continue to engage her? Why do you continue to respond to her texts/phone calls? If you are 'done', be DONE. Stop responding. Block her from being able to text you. Block her calls.

[drmrconfused]

Why do you continue to engage her? Why do you continue to respond to her texts/phone calls? If you are 'done', be DONE. Stop responding. Block her from being able to text you. Block her calls.

 

I still love her and am struggling to let it go. Last night I caved in and contacted her. I told her that I still love her, dont care what would others say and want to spend my life with her starting right now. She just said that she feels as if she wants to be left alone and as if she does not want anyone to talk to her. I replied that I will leave her alone to which she replied 'thank you'.

 

I am so angry at myself. I thought I was doing fine but then yesterday all feelings came back and I crushed.

[RickFox]

I still love her and am struggling to let it go. Last night I caved in and contacted her. I told her that I still love her, dont care what would others say and want to spend my life with her starting right now. She just said that she feels as if she wants to be left alone and as if she does not want anyone to talk to her. I replied that I will leave her alone to which she replied 'thank you'.

 

I am so angry at myself. I thought I was doing fine but then yesterday all feelings came back and I crushed.

 

Why do people think they are fine when it's all still fresh and new. You just showed her she runs you and can walk all over you and you'll still be there for her. You will always be her fall back plan and now she knows this one hundred percent. Hope you're ready for more mind games, they're coming

[drmrconfused]

Let her go.

 

I think she only "filed" for show -- and when her husband gets home, she will tell him she did it in a moment of weakness because she was tired of him traveling for long lengths of time. I also don't believe he has an apartment -- if that were true, she would have filed without your encouragement.

 

 

You were right. Over past weeks we were in LC mostly initiated by her. She would see me talking with some of common friends and get frustrated that I am ignoring her. Then messages would come why am I no longer speaking to her and few times that I answered she bursted into rage on me.

 

They were supposed to have court hearing this morning but last night she wrote to me saying that she thinks she will not go. In her words, she is not calm, feels nervous and this is not the state of mind for going to court. She even told me "I know you will not understand but I did not expect that you will anyway".

 

Accusations continued. She said that this is all my fault because I placed too much emphasis on trying to secure fair start for us. Mind you, for last year or so I worked like crazy and lived on 20% of what I earn trying to save as much as possible to be able to leave and to provide fair start for the two of us. She was familiar with every step. I set up milestones towards my divorce, explained everything to her at the beginning and I met every milestone so far just as I promised to her.

 

I dont know whether I am sad, angry, dissapointed, feeling stupid or whatever. It's just not fair. I am not stupid or naive person but here I was so blind and it seems I made the biggest mistake of my life.

[beach]

The first rule of engagement is DO NOT engage.

 

If she reaches out do not answer.

 

If needed - tell your boss to keep her away from you because she's stressing you out.

 

And you could always inform her husband.

 

She sounds like a narcissist. It's all about her!

 

Good riddance. Block her if necessary. Or better yet - take a new job far away - a fresh start.

 

Begin dating someone new if your divorce is final.

[sameoldthing]

I've been reading this with some interest. I felt compelled to respond because you need to see it from other side. This woman, I was A LOT like her. I toyed with my last boyfriend. Not because I'm so cruel etc but because I was ADDICTED to making sure I 'got' him' once I did, I would run, then he would get distant and then I'd rush back.

 

We did this for YEARS and there is nothing to show for it. Do you know how I decided to get help? Well, after our last "break up', I decided to start seeing other people. 6 months later I was kinda upset by something so I decided to call him for a good ego stroke. Guess what? He wouldn't HEAR of it. This was a guy I had effectively dangled around for 3 years. Yes there was a big part of me that loved him but the psychological sh*t I had going on in my head and my need to CONQUER and my absolute fear of rejection and LOVE of emotional attention kept me going.

 

He told me he was done, no amount of talk or anything would change. I was stunned and I kept calling and calling and getting crazier and threatening(rage) and then inventing illnesses, disasters...ANYTHING to get him to "ACCEPT" me again, how could he reject me?! I was a wreck. 6 months I tried and tried. He wouldn't respond. The only thing he would say is while he respects some aspects of our hsitory, he was done and he was with someone else.

 

I finally got it. Him doing that woke me up but believe me NEVER would it have even worked out because at that point anything we had was damaged and tainted beyond repair.

 

I was 23 at the time, this woman is in her 30s. This "behaviour' is NOT going to change. You are only devaluing yourself and making her view you as NOTHING. Trust me, take it from someone who was like her.

 

If you need any further outlook, I'm totally happy to

[drmrconfused]

She did not go through with D. In her words, she got scared on court and her H said to judge that they are giving up. Later that night she wrote to me saying that I am her only and true love and that she will file papers again next week. In her words, she was waiting for me to do it. when I asked why did she then insist for me not to do it until I sort all financial issues at home and repeated continuously that she understands my situation and that she supports me she just turned her head down. Yet, she repeated once again that she loves me and wants us to file together now that I sorted my issues and to be next to each other through entire process.

 

At first I almost bought it but then when I returned home I sat down and gave it a long thought. I asked her can we make a promise to each other to watch each other's back and to work on our issues. I knew that she will say no but I just wanted to see reaction. She indeed said no. Finally, I wrote her a long letter. It was probably not wisest thing to do but I wanted to take some things of my chest. Then I blocked her on everything. Here is the text of that letter:

 

For the last two days I've been going through some moments from our past. I remembered how you used to say during past two months „I understand it all, just solve your situation, don't give up on your car or house, I am handling things here and don't worry about that“. I thought about this as I could not understand your words that I did not stand by you and that I was the reason why you gave up on D on Thursday. And then it came to me. All refusals to talk, to solve our problems, all of your actions it was all planned in advance. Like many times before, the outcome was decided on long time before the court hearing but I was too blind to see it. It was stupid and naive to think that I could be more to you than somebody on the side and that you would be willing to leave safety of your life for us. Our conversations over last few days after your court hearing only confirmed it further. There is old saying that there is no point to forgive to someone who does not think he is wrong nor there is point in talking to the one that does not hear. Over past two years I dedicated my life to you, forgave everything you did, all those times when you went back to your H, your silences and walls with which you destroyed every attempt to make something bigger out of us. I tried to call you, to tell you to stop, to make some effort. I hoped that you will see on your own that it can't go on like this, that things have gone too far. Now I know that there is no point. Fighting for us is like fighting windmills.

I always wondered how could you not see the wrong in some things that you do and how these things are destroying us. I know that you will think of these words as another empty threat of leaving like many times before. This is my fault. I love you so much that I forgave many unforgivable things just to keep us together, to see that day when you'd come to me and tell me that you are ready, the day when you will keep your promise made to me. I waited for the day when you will come to me and say „let's do it“. I can't take it anymore. Everything inside of me tells me that this is the moment when only two of us should be important, not our families, people we know or anything else. I know that you will not come with me, that it is far more important for you to keep image of yourself in eyes of other people then for us to be together. I know this and I have to draw a line here and move on alone. Other day, you told me that my love for you is strong only on words. This hurts. If anything, I know very well how much of myself I gave in this, how much of my life was dedicatd to us and how hard I tried to sort everything here, to come to you and say „here I am, I am ready, come with me“.

Maybe one day you will realise how much your rejections and walls hurt me. Maybe you will realise that secret of happiness is in waking up next to someone you love and who sees his entire world in you. Maybe one day you will understand that own peace is most important. Far more important than opinions of family, neighbours and friends. Maybe one day you will understand that only two that were important in this entire mess were the two of us and that you should have fought for us…

[beach]

She made her decision so long ago - yet she's just still toying with your emotions.

 

There's not one single reason to give her any more effort or energy.

 

She used you!!! But YOU ALLOWED it. No reason to allow it any further.

 

She a mean and cruel woman who looks like she has mental issues.

[drmrconfused]

She made her decision so long ago - yet she's just still toying with your emotions.

 

There's not one single reason to give her any more effort or energy.

 

She used you!!! But YOU ALLOWED it. No reason to allow it any further.

 

She a mean and cruel woman who looks like she has mental issues.

 

Yes, sadly I know that you are right. To think that on the night before her hearing I was constantly with her online, asking her to meet and trying to be suportive in any possible way. Due to some external circumstances it really was not possible for me to leave my M until now and she knows this. She knows that I would lose everything. In fact, she was the one telling me "don't be stupid, play it smart and don't give up on things for which you worked so hard" every time that I told her I don't care for these things, I want to file for D and for the two of us to leave together. And then, in the aftermat telling me that I was not supportive enough, that she could not do it because she was waiting for me to do it first. I keep asking myself could this really be true? Would it be different if I just filed for D long time ago and did not care for finances or trying to secure home for the two of us first?

[beach]

Yes, sadly I know that you are right. To think that on the night before her hearing I was constantly with her online, asking her to meet and trying to be suportive in any possible way. Due to some external circumstances it really was not possible for me to leave my M until now and she knows this. She knows that I would lose everything. In fact, she was the one telling me "don't be stupid, play it smart and don't give up on things for which you worked so hard" every time that I told her I don't care for these things, I want to file for D and for the two of us to leave together. And then, in the aftermat telling me that I was not supportive enough, that she could not do it because she was waiting for me to do it first. I keep asking myself could this really be true? Would it be different if I just filed for D long time ago and did not care for finances or trying to secure home for the two of us first?

 

The A hasn't changed.

 

You continue doing the same thing and expect a different result. Do opposite!

 

Divorce because you haven't been a good husband.

 

Be on your own. Learn to have a boundary that looks healthy. Healthy enough not to allow narcissistic and sociopathic women to effect you in any way.

 

Your OW has serious mental problems. You still chasing her says a lot about you needing professional help too.

 

Any healthy and stable man would have told her "hell no!" A LONG time ago!

 

She is as twisted and selfish as they come. Eliminate her as fast as possible.

[drmrconfused]

The A hasn't changed.

 

You continue doing the same thing and expect a different result. Do opposite!

 

Divorce because you haven't been a good husband.

 

Be on your own. Learn to have a boundary that looks healthy. Healthy enough not to allow narcissistic and sociopathic women to effect you in any way.

 

Your OW has serious mental problems. You still chasing her says a lot about you needing professional help too.

 

Any healthy and stable man would have told her "hell no!" A LONG time ago!

 

She is as twisted and selfish as they come. Eliminate her as fast as possible.

 

Like I said I already blocked her on everything. This might get me some trouble if OW complains to my boss but I dont care. I am heading towards D and have finished majority of preparations. My BS agreed to this and even signed papers.it is funny how all I've been waiting for came together at the very same moment when my OW turned her back on me. This thing with her accusing me for her quitting on D opened my eyes although it made me wonder whether I could have done more?

[drmrconfused]

I may be exaggerating but I think mind games continue.

 

Last Tuesday we saw each other at work. She started talking once again that her giving up on D was my fault as I did not stand by her. I I told her that I would be better loving cold stone than loving her and that I think she is incapable of loving anyone else but herself. Some other things were said on both sides too but without shouting or anything similar. She was furious over my words and over the fact that I blocked her on everything. It was not best thing to do but I am really sick of her playing with me and wanted to tell her everything in her face.

 

Tonight I logged in Facebook after long long time. She does not use Facebook, thinks it is stupid and went to see it only few times when I showed her how it works. Yet, there is this friend of hers who added me several months ago as friend. I suspected that she uses this girl to see what I am posting. Anyways tonight this girl starts posting things on her wall with comment that these songs are specially for my OW. It is "Beneath Beautiful" by Emeli Sande and some other songs all of which can be related to our current situation. During one of our earlier breakups this girl also used to post pics of two of them going out, I guess to make me jealous.

 

I might be crazy and exaggerating but I think that this is another way of her mind games. Why would somebody post a song on Facebook to someone who does not have FB account at all and does not use it? Song with such subtle message? Is there any other reason instead of trying to convey message to somebody else? Anyway, this made me more furious and I also blocked her friend from FB so I don't see her posts on my wall.

 

Some of you might find my posts here boring but this is the only place where I can vent. My parents live in another city, my friends (real, old friends) are scattered across country due to work and we communicate most of time online so I can't talk with them about this either. I would like to thank all those who reply to my topic as your words help me in moments of weakness when I am close to caving in.

Edited May 24, 2014 by drmrconfused

[RickFox]

You really have got to stop worrying about what she's doing, in essence she's winning and effing with your mind perfectly

[drmrconfused]

You really have got to stop worrying about what she's doing, in essence she's winning and effing with your mind perfectly

 

I am trying to live day by day. It is tough. I blocked her on everything and avoid her. There are still some feelings despite everything she put me through. The more I read resources on internet the more I am convinced that this was indeed unhealthy relationship and that I have to move on. It hurts though knowing that I let this situation continue for so long. Everything is same as it was year and half ago and I am angry on myself and feeling so stupid for wasting such a long period of my life.

[blue963]

I think when you aren't with a person alot of the time (in affair it is limited) you dont see the true person. Go easy on yourself and move on. Could you imagine being with this person permenantly and never being able to have your own space or get away from her? It would be even more exhausting than it is right now.

[drmrconfused]

I think when you aren't with a person alot of the time (in affair it is limited) you dont see the true person. Go easy on yourself and move on. Could you imagine being with this person permenantly and never being able to have your own space or get away from her? It would be even more exhausting than it is right now.

 

I know what you are talking about. I guess I am angry on myself now for letting her play with me so long. Prior to this situation I was very succesful in job, had lots of friends and I had clear boundary what to tolerate in relationships. Looking back it seems as if I rejected all I had and all my standards just to be with this woman who, I must admit, treated me as her doormat or toy. I had my moments too, in many of our fights I tried to reason with her, show her what is wrong and I allowed these fights to drag on for days. But this came only after more than a year of her taking me for granted, countless broken promises and God knows how many lies. I raised my voice only when I could not take it anymore and it was never in form of ultimatum but rather plea for compromise. On the one hand I am angry at myself but on the other I try to understand why is it that I keep asking myself whether I contributed to this outcome as well?

[Wambo]

I know what you are talking about. I guess I am angry on myself now for letting her play with me so long. Prior to this situation I was very succesful in job, had lots of friends and I had clear boundary what to tolerate in relationships. Looking back it seems as if I rejected all I had and all my standards just to be with this woman who, I must admit, treated me as her doormat or toy. I had my moments too, in many of our fights I tried to reason with her, show her what is wrong and I allowed these fights to drag on for days. But this came only after more than a year of her taking me for granted, countless broken promises and God knows how many lies. I raised my voice only when I could not take it anymore and it was never in form of ultimatum but rather plea for compromise. On the one hand I am angry at myself but on the other I try to understand why is it that I keep asking myself whether I contributed to this outcome as well?

 

I hate to say this but you may not be posting on the right forum. What you had been typing is clear definiation of emotional abuse in the workplace and it can be very serious healthwise in the long run. I'm going through the same **** with my manager and I can't see myself staying at my current job. The reason is it making me mentally sick and I can't stand the sight of my underachieving manager. He's no tyrant but his constant wearing down and treating people like **** for reasons unknown is very problematic. I can only conclude he get kicks out of messing people around.