2yrs of life invested for nothing. Where to go from here?

[drmrconfused]

There is also one more thing. She told me that her H before leaving bought himself apartment and ordered furniture and everything and put some friends in charge of handling things so that place is ready for him to move in when he returns in April.

[drmrconfused]

Hello everybody. Here is update on my story. I am sitting at home crying and so empty. It seems that it is finally over and this time for real. Month ago she filed for divorce and court set the date of hearing for May. I saw all papers. In the meantime I speeded up all things with my divorce, sorted out remaining financial issues so I can file for divorce by the end of this month. She was informed about all developments.

 

After getting back together it did not take long for things to return to the way they were before. It was same pattern. I would ask for something, e.g. two of us going together somewhere and she would reject. I would then try to discuss it and before you know it she would explode and things would turn into fight.

 

Last week we finally agreed to leave town for two days on Friday. Thursday night she says that she does not want to go. I just said ok and wished her good night. On Friday and Saturday I was so hurt and could not talk to her. She was calling and texting with sweet messages. When I answered and told her that I am not ready to talk at the moment and need to calm down as I do not want another fight she bursted in rage telling me that I will remember the day and all sorts of other things. Nevertheless, I met her on Sunday, said that I love her and that I am finally financially ready to leave my marriage. We sort of got back together after that.

 

Things were going smooth until last night. We talked and in half joke after she turned one of my ideas down I said "you can sometimes say yes". This triggered the fight after which she said never to contact her again, that she had enough of fights, discussions and problems. I tried to calm her down but without success.

 

This morning I stopped by her office as I know she works until late today and brought her some food and little present. She thanked me but said that we are definitely over and to let her go. We talked for few hours but she just repeated that it is over for her. On top of that, I noticed she no longer wears a ring that I gave her some time ago. During all of our fights she kept that ring on her finger but now tells me she will never put it on again. While sitting there she was playing songs on her PC, mostly songs implying that she has to leave me but loves me still.

 

Over last month I was very cautious but nevertheless, all I wanted during this time was for us to spend a bit more time together and strengthen our relationship. Things are not easy for me as until few weeks ago I was not able to divorce due to financial reasons. I am now sitting at home and thinking was all the pain and struggle during last two and half years really for nothing and she will be the one to walk out on me after all I put up with. Do you think this is really over or is it just anger due to fight talking out from her?

[Snipercatt]

Things were going smooth

 

That simply isn't true. From the little that you have posted here, nothing has gone smoothly between you two. Can you imagine how things would be once real world issues would come to play between the two of you?

 

I post the following as gently as I know how. Both of you are acting emotionally immature. IF you were emotionally mature you would not continue to want to be with her considering her shenanigans. Figure out what it is that attracts you to her, so deeply, because it is your weakness. No one should tolerate what you have. There's nothing about a person that is sooooo special that this kind of behavior should be tolerated.

[drmrconfused]

That simply isn't true. From the little that you have posted here, nothing has gone smoothly between you two. Can you imagine how things would be once real world issues would come to play between the two of you?

 

I post the following as gently as I know how. Both of you are acting emotionally immature. IF you were emotionally mature you would not continue to want to be with her considering her shenanigans. Figure out what it is that attracts you to her, so deeply, because it is your weakness. No one should tolerate what you have. There's nothing about a person that is sooooo special that this kind of behavior should be tolerated.

 

Well I also had my moments. Her remark is that I used to object a lot and accuse her if something was wrong. To some extent this is true. At first (first months maybe whole year of our relationship) I was patient and understanding when she would turn me down on idea of doing something together but with time I just could not take it so I said at first that this is not right. Then after some time I raised topic again. I did not insult her or anything its just that when these discusssion would start I would not stop. Lately though I stopped at first hint that this can turn into argument.

 

But I never started discussion or fight without reason. It would always come as consequence of her ignoring my question, plea or request for weeks sometimes even months. Many people told me before to forget this woman and move on. I sticked with her because I thought that all of this is because of situation we are going through.

[XenoMouse]

dude i did the same exact thing. I dealt with a girl that was obviously off her rocker and put up with it ALL because i thought well its cause the situation we're involved in is so crazy maybe thats why shes acting this way. Many ppl told me hey she's got a lot of issues and you should be thankful shes gone and i didnt listen...what was a real wake up call for me was when the supporters here who have gone thru the same situation easily and instantly called her out on her issues.

 

So im telling you, you sound like a good guy and you've put up with a lot but she's out there...like out there out there and if you ended up with her man god knows what else she would put you thru. Im not married so i cant really give a good analogy as to what a real life partner would be but i would imagine that one of the attributes is that they are somebody you'd want in the foxhole with you or who is always in your corner no matter how crazy s*** gets, and if this is how she deals with a crazy situation, by going crazy herself, then thats not somebody thats gonna tough it out with you no matter what.

 

So....let her go and HEAL HEAL HEAL she's put you thru SO much you might need a long time to just untangle your brain from all of her nonsense and your heart from all of her games (whether intentional or not). hopefully you'll get to a place where when you re-read this thread you won't make it thru what you've wrote because you won't believe how much you put up with. Right now you sound like a shell shocked soldier thats just been pulled out of vietnam, and believe me i know the feeling, take some time...STAY AWAY FROM HER, heal and thank your lucky stars that you dodged this bullet.

[jellybean89]

Let her go.

 

I think she only "filed" for show -- and when her husband gets home, she will tell him she did it in a moment of weakness because she was tired of him traveling for long lengths of time. I also don't believe he has an apartment -- if that were true, she would have filed without your encouragement.

 

I don't think she has any plans to actually be with her. She wants you to chase her, declare your love for her, etc.

 

Stop participating in the games.

 

Let her go and begin a new journey on your own.

[rumbleseat]

( a) this girl sounds like she has some sort of mental health issue. Either that, or she is a serious drama queen who is also extremely immature. Playing song that relate to the two of you, sending text after text, etc. what is this? High school?

 

( b ) no offence here, but given how she has been treating her H, what did you really expect ? She's probably doing the same thing to him, stringing him along and enjoying every minute of the attention it's getting her.

 

( c) you may well not be her first affair and you probably won't be her last. Even if she does leave to be with you, this need for attention will surface again, unless she gets some therapy to become a different sort of person.

[Speakingofwhich]

I, too, believe this woman has some sort of mental health issue(s). Possibly bipolar? Plus, psychological issues, also.

 

You're very fortunate to have the opportunity to move on from her. Take this opportunity to heal and don't look her way again. Because I believe she'll be back after you professing what a mistake she made and this time she's serious about divorcing her H and being with you. Imho, it's just a matter of time until this happens.

[drmrconfused]

Let her go.

 

I think she only "filed" for show -- and when her husband gets home, she will tell him she did it in a moment of weakness because she was tired of him traveling for long lengths of time. I also don't believe he has an apartment -- if that were true, she would have filed without your encouragement.

 

I don't think she has any plans to actually be with her. She wants you to chase her, declare your love for her, etc.

 

Stop participating in the games.

 

Let her go and begin a new journey on your own.

 

He did indeed buy new apartment I saw contract and place is being renowated to be ready when he returns home. She is handling payments for this. This thing of "filing for show" never crossed my mind. She was unusually calm and determinate when she did it although in the past she was so scared of it. Also, none of her family knows that they are divorcing. His parents know because documents from court came to address where they live and his mother opened document.

[Survivor12]

He did indeed buy new apartment I saw contract and place is being renowated to be ready when he returns home. She is handling payments for this. This thing of "filing for show" never crossed my mind. She was unusually calm and determinate when she did it although in the past she was so scared of it. Also, none of her family knows that they are divorcing. His parents know because documents from court came to address where they live and his mother opened document.

 

SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! Even IF she divorces her husband & you divorce your wife, she's still going to be bat**** crazy and your life will be miserable. You may as well put a revolving door in your new home because she will be coming and going just as much as she is now.

 

Wake up! How do you KNOW that her mil opened divorce papers??? Has her mil told you directly? Or did your mistress--who has proven again and again what a liar she is? You're also a sucker to believe that she will have the money to furnish your place after her divorce. For all you know, they are in debt up to their eyeballs and there IS no money to be divided and since she's employed (I assume no kids), there is no guarantee she'll even get alimony, particularly since she would be the one seeking the divorce.

 

Stop being a fool. She is either a ruthless, conniving b*tch or has a borderline personality disorder. She has already proven that she is a cheater and a liar (of course, you have too) so what makes you think that she would be any different if she were divorced? Sorry to be so harsh but you aren't that special--she's played you, lied to you, manipulated you and emotionally & mentally abused you. Why in the hell would you want such a person in your life?

 

You need to stop listening to her and start using your head (the one on your shoulders) before its too late (if it's not already). If you don't, you're going to find yourself without a wife, a home, or a job. You need to face reality.

 

Reading through your story is like witnessing someone wearing headphones walking in front of a speeding semi. Take off the damned headphones and LISTEN to what everyone is trying to tell you!

Edited March 7, 2014 by Survivor12

[Downtown]

DrMr, I agree with Rumble and Speaking that you're describing a woman who is immature and emotionally unstable. I also agree with Survivor that the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, temper tantrums that are triggered in seconds, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), instability, impulsiveness, repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, and her always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I therefore suggest you read about these warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is my description of BPD red flags in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings several bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And I would suggest that, if you are ever tempted to take her back, you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, DrMr.

[drmrconfused]

DrMr, I agree with Rumble and Speaking that you're describing a woman who is immature and emotionally unstable. I also agree with Survivor that the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, temper tantrums that are triggered in seconds, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), instability, impulsiveness, repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, and her always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I therefore suggest you read about these warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is my description of BPD red flags in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings several bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And I would suggest that, if you are ever tempted to take her back, you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, DrMr.

 

I never thought of her in context of BPD but after reading many posts here some of her actions do match the profile. As some of you predicted she broke silence several times over past two days with I love you, you are special, sending me texts for sweet dreams etc. Today again silence. I did not react to any of these and tried to end all conversations after one or two lines exchanged briefly and cordially. After all ups and downs there is something inside of me that is preventing me from saying words like "I love you to her" even though I still have feelings.

[Popsicle]

If I'm not mistaken, neither one of you have actually left, even though there's been lots of talk, so you're even.

[Wambo]

If I'm not mistaken, neither one of you have actually left, even though there's been lots of talk, so you're even.

 

 

Sadly I have to agree with Popsicle. From my own experience as long both of you are working in the same environment and leaving the door open for each other then you're not out of the firing line.

[Lady2163]

Whew! So many people on here think she has psychological problems and I often jump to that conclusion, but I think this women is a sociopath. I don't thnk she has any feelings for anyone. People are just playthings to her. When you reject her, you provide a lovely challenge of what method should she use to reel you back into her web.

 

You won't be happy with her. Ever.

[drmrconfused]

It seems that all the people here were right. After three days of professing her love and me being brief last night an invitation came to meet today for a coffee. As my schedule today is full I politely said that I can't. Few hours later attack starts with same old story that it does not work that we can't go on like this etc etc and she wants to be left alone. As if I was holding her back. After I said that I agree with her a real attack started asking how can I say something like that and various other things. All of this seemed as if she wants me to chase her. Although a part of me still wonders whether I am doing something wrong I am starting to see wider picture of who she really is.

[whichwayisup]

It seems that all the people here were right. After three days of professing her love and me being brief last night an invitation came to meet today for a coffee. As my schedule today is full I politely said that I can't. Few hours later attack starts with same old story that it does not work that we can't go on like this etc etc and she wants to be left alone. As if I was holding her back. After I said that I agree with her a real attack started asking how can I say something like that and various other things. All of this seemed as if she wants me to chase her. Although a part of me still wonders whether I am doing something wrong I am starting to see wider picture of who she really is.

 

She threw a hissy fit because you said 'no' to her. She 'assumed' you'd drop everything and come running to her. She has lost control, she's not calling the shots anymore and she's pissed off about that, hence her attacks and playing games with you.

[Downtown]

After three days of professing her love ...attack starts with same old story that it does not work that we can't go on like this.

DrMr, if she has strong BPD traits, that cycle of pull-you-back and push-you-away is what you should expect. A BPDer (i.e., person with strong traits) typically will "split you white" (adoring you) for a while and then, in ten seconds, will be triggered by a minor comment into "splitting you black" (devaluing or hating you). The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum.

 

This means that, as you move close to her to reassure her of your love and to comfort her, you will trigger her engulfment fear (a frightening feeling of being controlled and suffocated). She therefore will create an argument -- over nothing at all -- to push you away. Yet, as you back off to give a BPDer breathing room, you inevitably will trigger her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no safe midpoints position where you can safely stand without triggering one fear or the other. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years hunting for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist. If you are interested, I discuss this problem is greater detail at the link I provided above.

Edited March 11, 2014 by Downtown

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow, at this point it seems both of you are enjoying the drama since you both keep going back for more. Her temper tantrums will continue and I guarantee you will get sick of her behavior if you end up in a full on relationship with her. Unless you enjoy dealing with her petulance and emotionally unstable behavior, you need to walk away for good.

 

How much longer will you allow yourself to be emotionally drained bc of this dysfunctional relationship?

 

Let her go and let your wife go. This entire situation is unfair and toxic for all involved.

 

 

It seems that all the people here were right. After three days of professing her love and me being brief last night an invitation came to meet today for a coffee. As my schedule today is full I politely said that I can't. Few hours later attack starts with same old story that it does not work that we can't go on like this etc etc and she wants to be left alone. As if I was holding her back. After I said that I agree with her a real attack started asking how can I say something like that and various other things. All of this seemed as if she wants me to chase her. Although a part of me still wonders whether I am doing something wrong I am starting to see wider picture of who she really is.

[rumbleseat]

Am I correct that you two work together? This may sound a bit over the top, but if you do, you may want to review your company's HR policies re: employee fraternization, and if her pattern continues, a preemptive talk with them may be in order so they get the truth from you first.

[drmrconfused]

Haven't posted here for some time. It seems many of your predictions turned out to be true in the end. Two weeks ago I went for a 10 days trip. That morning while I was packing she called, made fight out of nothing and told me to leave her alone. I was completely puzzled as I did not say anything. Six hours later as I was waiting for next flight she calls for 10 like 10 times. As I was furious and did not want to answer she sent text acting as all is normal and wishing me safe trip.

 

Since then she tried to communicate several times. The pattern is always the same. She is either distant or starts saying that I have to accept we are over and cant continue like this. When I say that I completely agree and just want her to leave me alone she changes story and starts being polite saying she loves me. I tried to initiate conversation about issues related to joint future few times out of curiosity to see her reaction. It was as if she had panic attack, within minutes she would look for something to build argument over it and to avoid topic.

 

I never had such emotionally draining experience. I am not sure what is eating me now inside. Is it sadness over realisation that this is history or the fact that I was so foolish not to see who she really is for such a long time. How could I have been so blind?

[AlwaysGrowing]

For most people this dynamic would get real old...real quick.

 

What keeps you engaged?

 

Everyone has been wrong about someone...EVERYONE.

 

Most, realize that that is a part of life. That once you know better...you make better choices/decisions. And cutting someone out...is really not that hard. For me, I feel the immediate calmness in my life. The silence/peace is like a warm breeze.

 

Reflect on the signs that you let slip...remember them. Incorporate them into how you view others . In the future, you should be able to spot these traits a mile out. And do not allow them a toe-hold into your life.

[Wambo]

How could I have been so blind?

 

It's very easy to answer because you were trapped in what known as affair FOG. Anotherword you were blinded by your own emotional attachment to your affair partner and was unable to see the reality of the situation.

 

I hate to say this to you but your situation will likely to get worst before it will get better. If you think you are struggling now with your emotions, it's only going to get worst everytime she contact you for the sake of it. You will need to find a way of putting a wedge between you two and go full NC asap. It's the only way to recover fast and not get onto the emotional rollercoaster.

 

The first thing you will need to do is either block her number or get yourself a new number. Also keep in mind the hell you had to put up with if both of you moved in together and having to tolerate her behaviour.

[drmrconfused]

Here is update. Last several days were hectic for me. I tried to talk with her on several occassions but without any progress. During this time my health started to deteriorate, my blood pressure jumped extremely high and I ended in ER few nights ago.

 

Yesterday, I tried to talk to her as calmly as possible. I said that I cant go on like this, that we have to sort things out and that I want us to be together forever. I mentioned that I feel exhausted and hollow because of this situation. She ignored it all and said that I am too sensitive.

 

Last night I ended again in ER with blood pressure of 180/110. They gave me some pills to lower it. Sitting there in the waiting room I started asking myself what is the point. Over past two years I devoted my life completely to this women, I gave up on friends, family, to large extent my career as well. Over last year I worked like crazy to earn enough to provide normal start for the two of us. And during this time all I got in return was nothing.

 

This morning I asked her for five minutes of time. I said what happened to me last night. She started attacking immediately asking 'are you saying that this is my fault, that I am guilty for our problems'. As I already made my decision I said calmly that I waited long enough for her to start behaving normally and that I cant take it anymore. I added that I dont think everything is her fault but I do blame her for not trying to fix things that were her fault. In the end I said 'I do not care whether you will say I am sensitive or something similar. I have enough experience to know that real relationship does not look like this. For past two years all I did was just for the two of us. Now I want to start thinking about myself.'

 

After saying this I opened the door of room and walked out. She went out as well walking in front of me. When I entered my office a message came saying 'Listen!'. I just ended it there and said 'please stop, there was enough of lies, manipulation and waiting, just respect what I said. Anything you say or do now does not mean anything to me. Just go.'.

 

Later, we had staff meeting during which we sit next to each other for years. When I entered I noticed that she sat on other side, right opposite to where I usually sit. I just walked to another side of table where my back is turned to her. When it ended she was first to leave the room with furious walk.

 

Although sad I feel relieved. I know that I have to move on and who she really is. She will never change, even if I wait for another 100 years. This thing with health scared me and opened my eyes.

[Downtown]

This thing with health scared me and opened my eyes.

Thank goodness, then, for your health scare, DrMr. You now realize how physically damaging it is to live with an emotionally unstable individual. You are fortunate that the physical stress manifested in such a visible way. In my case, living with the constant stress resulted in stage 4 cancer -- something that sneaks up on a person until the growth is big enough to cause a noticeable problem. I survived the cancer only due to a combination of plain luck and a very aggressive, 8-month treatment program (i.e., surgery, radiation, and chemo). Thanks so much for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you were doing.