Author compulsivedancer Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I find it interesting that when I asked what to do about anniversaries/triggers last fall, people said it was important to acknowledge them, but for this specific trigger the concensus seems to be that I shouldn't've said anything. What makes this one different than another trigger? Once again, H was completely aware of the date and already knew what he wanted to do. Me bringing it up didn't make him more aware of it. Also, he said if I'd rather stay, then he can go instead for the day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I find it interesting that when I asked what to do about anniversaries/triggers last fall, people said it was important to acknowledge them, but for this specific trigger the concensus seems to be that I shouldn't've said anything. What makes this one different than another trigger? Like I said, I don't consider the "anniversary date" of the revelation to be a meaningful trigger, or I think it's unnecessarily morose and looking for pain to make it/treat it as one. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 CD, the issue that would be causing me concern, is, are we a team or does one party have the right to unilaterally make decisions with no regard to how the other feels. I get that often a BS feels they have more right to steer the ship. However, if I felt the ship was being steered into a reef, I would still feel that I have the right to make a course correction or jump ship. Please remember to never let anyone else encourage you to participate in something that you know goes against your own view of yourself. CD, believe in yourself. Believe, that all because you were once a WS, does not mean that is who you are today, that even a FWS can be right too. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I get that often a BS feels they have more right to steer the ship. However, if I felt the ship was being steered into a reef, I would still feel that I have the right to make a course correction or jump ship. Please remember to never let anyone else encourage you to participate in something that you know goes against your own view of yourself. Agreed. What if the request had been to wear a Scarlet A t-shirt for the three days to help remind you of what you've done. That probably would have been a "no!" right off the bat and then a discussion about why he would even ask you such a thing. What your husband is requesting is not that wild but I think it could be problematic. What if your three days with your dad are a PIA? He's grouchy for having his space invaded, you're bored. What if you start to resent things and start thinking "this is bullish*t being banished for 3 days" and then you come home with an attitude rather then a willingness to do something nice for the days afterwards? Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I didn't post because I thought this was a ridiculous request. It's a little different than I expected, but ultimately, if he needs ONE day away to help him heal, that is doable. Believe me, I have no difficulty "standing up for myself" when needed. I don't need this day, one way or another. It's not important to me to mark it or not mark it in some way. I am simply happy that we've almost made it a year into R. To me, that's what's important. The reason for the thread was to find out how other people handled this. I wondered whether anyone else handled it in this fashion. So don't tell me how I (or H) should handle it. Tell me how YOU handled it. (Or didn't). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 If you must leave - go someplace on your own for quiet meditation and reflection. Decide what you're grateful about and spend the day writing out a plan of action and goals for yourself. Include many useful ways to improve the trust and intimacy in your marriage by how you participate. Find ways to get connected to your husband. He's hurt right now - it's up to you to repair the damage you caused. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 So don't tell me how I (or H) should handle it. Tell me how YOU handled it. (Or didn't). Lol, you posted here long enough to know people ARE going to express their opinion on what YOU should do. Just use that report button and the moderators will clean it up and warn people to abide to your wishes:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 Lol, you posted here long enough to know people ARE going to express their opinion on what YOU should do. Just use that report button and the moderators will clean it up and warn people to abide to your wishes:) I don't like doing that. I'd rather wade through the off-topic responses. Sometimes they're interesting and sometimes they're helpful. But when they start to obscure the original question, people need a reminder. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 The reason for the thread was to find out how other people handled this. I wondered whether anyone else handled it in this fashion. So don't tell me how I (or H) should handle it. Tell me how YOU handled it. (Or didn't). The date approaching was very painful to me. When it was finally "the day" it wasn't so bad. It was the anticipation of it that was worse. We didn't do anything about it except talk about that I was hurting and why. I understood that WS had done nothing new to cause this and in fact was being very helpful to just talk about it, when it was clearly painful for WS as well to remember. I'm sure if I had asked WS to leave WS would have left. I wanted the opposite. I wanted WS to be with me as much as possible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 It's funny, I can remember the day, time, and year when it happened, but on my one year (I bailed, did not R) it was like any other day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Breathless Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 On my 1st year DDay anniversary, I spent the day in a ball of panic attacks, crying in my bedroom while my BH was at work...I actually posted about it on here. My BH was somber but other than that he did not mention the A the entire day. But being alone for the day helped me as a WW realize all that I had to be grateful for. It sort of put things into perspective on what I could have lost, how hard we BOTH were working on our M, how much I loved and appreciated my BH for standing by me when I didn't deserve it. On my 2nd year DDay anniversary, we were on vacation with our kids and spent the day laughing and smiling. My BH told me that even though he will always remember DDay, he is happy that we were making new happier memories as each year passes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted January 29, 2014 Author Share Posted January 29, 2014 H said he'd like me to stay after all. I was all set to leave. We went to dinner tonight, and he asked me to spend some time reflecting tomorrow, but I'm staying at the house. Wish us luck tomorrow. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Compulsive, you two are working so hard at your R. You deserve a lot of happy days together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Luck is random. I wish you loving communication and unity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 H said he'd like me to stay after all. I was all set to leave. We went to dinner tonight, and he asked me to spend some time reflecting tomorrow, but I'm staying at the house. Wish us luck tomorrow. Hope all went well. Do an update when you can. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Update when you can. I hope it went OK. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted February 1, 2014 Author Share Posted February 1, 2014 Confusedandhurt, see H's recent thread. I think he described it much better than I did. Everything went fairly well. I was surprised that it was very much just a day. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts